to ask DS (4) to change out of girls clothes.

[SanctiMOANious]

How would you handle this? I'm at a bit of a loss. DS is 4.5 now and pretty much the same size as DD (5.5). More and more often lately he's been wanting to wear her clothes. I'm not one for gender stereotyping, both do football and DS wants his nails painted if DD has hers done. Generally he's naturally a very 'boyey' boy: loves cars, fire engines and boy stuff.

I don't normally bat en eyelid, assuming it's a phase. However, today, he is in DD's pink cords with hearts on the knees, and a very pink t-shirt with a pink heart on his chest. Shortly we are off to my in-laws house and I think they would be quite taken aback. DH is similarly laid back but has drawn the line taking him out like this today. How / why do I tell him he has to wear his own clothes?

Okay, so he has just said, "do I look like a girl?" So I said, "you look like a boy in very colourful clothes". Then he said, "oh, I want to look like a girl".

As this is fairly new behaviour I'm just going to observe for now. My gut says that he and DD are in the midst of a game, and that he's experimenting. We shall see..

I have a friend that insists a baby boy should wear blue and girls pink. Never neutral colours because no one would be able to tell what sex the baby is.

well he may want to look like a 'girl' right now but next week he may want to look like whatever superhero or tv charachter he likes! my ds4 is almost 4 and very into wanting to 'be' various people, as is ds3 who is 7 they will often sit and say they are 'so and so' they quite like the thundercats at the moment and ds3 likes 'cheetarah' who is a female thundercat, ds4 prefers 'liono'

i would imagine its a phase he is going through, and he is learning about who he is, who his sister is, etc nad just playing and experimenting like you say. i certainly dont think its anything to worry about :)

I think I'd probably make one comment along the lines of 'DS wouldn't you rather wear your own clothes rather than DDs?'. If the answer was a resounding no, I think I'd take him out in the pink flowery clothes.

I'd probably then put a positive slant on it with the ILs ('ah bless DS, he really loves being like his DSis'), and if they were a bit about it I'd probably get a bit stroppy with them back. He's only 4 ffs, and as with Pombears example, its not worth crushing his pleasure for the sake of judgey adults.

The main issue is that if a girl wanted to wear "boy" clothes - ie a pair of jeans and rugby top or a spiderman costume no one would blink an eye because it's ok for the "lesser" sex to emulate the "greater" sex - a girl increases her status by pretending to be a boy. However, if a boy wants to wear girl's clothes it's embarrassing and beneath his dignity because he's emulating the lesser sex, he's putting himself in a weak position not befitting his greater status. The implication is that boys things are automatically right and good and if either sex wants to use them then that's fine, but girls things are silly and frivolous, they're ok for silly girls but for boys they're not suitable. Pink is just a colour - it's only by being associated with girls that it becomes unsuitable - doesn't that tell you all you need to know about attitudes?

yes why is it ok for a girl to be a 'tomboy' which i was very much as a child, yet not ok for a boy to be more feminine :( my own ds3 is feminine at times and as i have said likes 'girly' clothes etc in our house THIS IS FINE!! and its simply not an issue, his brothers woudl never say to him that he is being girly, he is just who he is and we have always had a variety of toys etc from toy cookers and dolls to cars and toy tools, we havent said something is girly or boyish, they do know that 'pink' is seen as more for girls, no thanks to the argos catalogue for that and ditto elc with its pink pages etc but they know that they are FREE to choose whichever they like and whilst ds2 is very much a 'stereotypical boy' in all that he does etc, ds3 is not. we havent done anything different, they are just different children with different personalities and likes and dislikes, but they both respect each others choices and they dont name call or say anything about it, they just know they are each their own person regardless of gender.

there was another thread a while back about a boy of about 7? wanting to use his bday money to buy a toy pushchair for his doll and the amount of replies saying he shouldnt be allowed to or should be discouraged etc was very :(

Does DD mind DS wearing her clothes? I would've hated my sister wearing mine at that age! Perhaps time to just separate their wardrobes in general before they start fighting over who ruined which pair of trousers.

CailinDana is spot on. Well, in the example of the tomboyish girl, there might be a few people saying it's a shame she doesn't wear nice pretty dresses etc, but there definitely wouldn't be sort of moral panic and speculation over her future sexuality and gender identity that you get when a boy shows any interest in girly things.

In the end, pink is just a colour, and little kids love dressing up and pretending, and go through phases of obsessing over certain things. Who cares if other people think he looks silly or inappropriate - he's four years old, he doesn't have to care about that sort of thing!

What does he wear for school?

4madboys - I completely agree
CailinDana - very well put. I think it sums up what's been in my head
mockingjay - DD doesn't seem to mind DS raiding her clothes at all. They are very close and do EVERYTHING together when they're home. So she's always there when he's changing.
thegreylady - DS is still at pre-school, so no uniform. He generally wears his fireman sam shirt. He's not yet put on his sister's clothes for school. Not sure what I'd do then - aaak!