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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask DS (4) to change out of girls clothes.

60 replies

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 13:58

How would you handle this? I'm at a bit of a loss. DS is 4.5 now and pretty much the same size as DD (5.5). More and more often lately he's been wanting to wear her clothes. I'm not one for gender stereotyping, both do football and DS wants his nails painted if DD has hers done. Generally he's naturally a very 'boyey' boy: loves cars, fire engines and boy stuff.

I don't normally bat en eyelid, assuming it's a phase. However, today, he is in DD's pink cords with hearts on the knees, and a very pink t-shirt with a pink heart on his chest. Shortly we are off to my in-laws house and I think they would be quite taken aback. DH is similarly laid back but has drawn the line taking him out like this today. How / why do I tell him he has to wear his own clothes?

OP posts:

Ephiny · 25/02/2012 15:12

I don't see how cord trousers and a T-shirt is 'girls clothes'. Is it the pink colour that bothers you, or do you not like opposite-sex children sharing clothes on principle? Not sure I get it, tbh.

Of course you're the adult so if you want him to wear/not wear a particular outfit for a particular occasion, then you should be able to insist on it. But I don't think you need to make a big issue of this - he's only 4 years old, as long as he's comfortable and warm enough, surely it's all OK? Copying his sister is probably just a phase that he'll grow out of soon enough.

Original poster

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 15:14

FWIW, DD doesn't care if he wears her clothes.

OP posts:

AKMD · 25/02/2012 15:14

Boys wear pink, yes, fine. Pink clothes with hearts and flowers on them are designed for girls. That does not make girls somehow more special than boys

I have a DS but I happen to be female. I don't feel less valued than DH because of that. And no, I would not let DS wear girls clothes.

I do think that there is a difference between boys and girls. There is nothing wrong with that in itself but I do think it is wrong when girls are all supposed to be princesses and boys are supposed to be mud-flinging warriors on diggers. I also think it's wrong when parents passively or actively use their children to fight some sort of gender war, exposing them to ridicule that they themselves are innocent and unaware of.

EdithWeston · 25/02/2012 15:18

I think in this case, I'd ask him to put on something of his own (especially if the ILs have given him something recently).

I see this as a step to a harmonious family visit, and sidestepping the possibility that your ILs would say or do something deeply unhelpful.

I'm sure he'll have plenty of other opportunities to wear exactly what he likes to other places an events, where there won't be tricky ILs.

QuacksForDoughnuts · 25/02/2012 15:23

How does his sister feel about him wearing her clothes? I'd say that was more of an issue than a boy wearing pink...

cherrytopping · 25/02/2012 15:25

cherry - assumption that he wants to be like his sister, but even if he did, why the fuck is that a problem?

I think its about encouraging to be strong enough in his own identity. Whether that be male/female or something else. If you have a situation like this in siblings I think it can help to create problems - eg shes resentful of him having her clothes or copying/following her around everywhere or he takes it even harder if she somehow rejects him/leaves him out. It is sweet, to a level. But I do think its something to watch.

And if he ultimately wants to wear girls clothes then learning to choose his own and be confident in that is important, rather than letting his sister take the lead all the time.

ljny · 25/02/2012 15:32

I'd be honest with the little lad. 'You can't wear girly clothes to (in-laws) because they don't like it'.

Children are incredibly sensitive. At some level, he'll pick up on your worries - or other children will initiate him soon enough. Better to have it out in the open. 'It's OK with me but some people don't like it'.

Do get DH to ring them ILs, maybe they actually wouldn't care.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 25/02/2012 15:34

OP I would look at 2 things:

Does your DS want to wear the clothes to your in-laws?
Are your in-laws likely say something nasty/insensitive to him if he did?

If the answer to the 1st Q is No or the answer to the 2nd question Yes then I would change his clothes.

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 15:45

it is stupid.
:( for your ds Pom

a girl was in here earlier going on about some machine that vends toys - she said that the balls coloured red, pink and purple were girls' toys and the neutral (her words) colours were for boys.
I didn't really want to engage in conversation with this girl, so i made a face.

she was about 10. that's a shame.

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 15:47

but AKMD - telling them they must dress in "boy's clothes" is subjecting them to the gender war they're unaware of!!!

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 15:50

if my parents were to think of my child any less because s/he was wearing clothes "designed" for the opposite sex, i would shoot them down in flames (in the nicest possible way), same as i do every time they come up with ridiculous ideas "changing nappies is women's work" "you can't BF beyond 6 months because they'll be 11 and still asking for BF" "you can't co-sleep because they'll never sleep on their own" among others.

DaenerysTargaryenButCallMeDany · 25/02/2012 15:54

I wouldn't let my (imaginary) ds wear girls clothes any more than I'd let his sister wear his clothes. just keep their clothes separate.

Lueji · 25/02/2012 15:56

I wouldn't be particularly happy if my DS wanted to wear a full pink outfit with hearts and flowers...
But I wouldn't be either if it was a DD.

I'm not very fond of pink myself.

DaenerysTargaryenButCallMeDany · 25/02/2012 15:57

and you can teach your dc that men can change nappies too without letting them wear girls clothes you know.

nickelhasababy · 25/02/2012 16:01

they were examples of how stereotyping is dangerous. (and sometimes bigotted)
I did have a huge struggle convincing my mum not to take the clothes back that my sister had sent down because they were "boy's clothes"

thisisyesterday · 25/02/2012 16:03

I just asked my 7 year old DS if he thinks your son should change or not and he said a definite NO!
He thinks that other people may be wrong that pink is a girls colour anyway and that people should be allowed to wear things that they like wearing. and lots of boys clothes do come in pink or have pink on them,
plus, he likes jewellery and some people think that is just for girls but he wears it because he loves it and he feels happy.
oh and if you tell your son to change then he might feel embarassed about wearing the "wrong" things

carabos · 25/02/2012 16:40

At this age, it's unlikely that he's wearing his sister's clothes because he thinks he is or thinks he wants to be a girl. As someone said upthread, the colours and patterns have probably caught his eye.

I think it is very sad that women, for whose right to wear trousers for example, other women risked their lives, and whose right to wear what they like, where they like, when they like is challenged by every rapist, should be reinforcing dress codes on anyone, let alone small children.

woollyideas · 25/02/2012 17:52

Cannot believe anyone has a problem with a boy wearing pink and cannot believe anyone has a problem with one child wearing another's.

What Carabos says just about sums it up for me.

bobbledunk · 25/02/2012 18:01

Let him on with it, he'll change his mind when the other kid's start laughing at him.

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 18:05

Thing is though, bobbledunk, the more that parents let their DSs out in pink, flowery etc clothes and don't tell their sons that it's 'wrong', the more normal it will become and the less other kids will be laughing.

4madboys · 25/02/2012 18:09

i would leave him be, my ds3 who is 7 likes 'girly' clothes and pretty fairies etc has gone to school on a non uniform day in either his tinkerbell dress or a pink silk party dress (given to us by a friend) they are 'dressing up' clothes and he likes to wear them. he is a confident and outgoing little boy and happy to wear what he likes. he also likes football and playing in the mud and hot wheels and many 'boy' things.

if your dd doesnt mind her brother wearing her clothes then i dont see the problem, if she objected i would suggest he changed because of that they are her clothes and she may not want to share them.

my boys dont care that much about clothes, ds2 and ds3 are a fairly similar size at the moment so their clothes are interchangable and they arent bothered by this. they all have plenty of 'boys' clothes but we also have dress up stuff and they have some clothing that i guess would be considered more 'feminine' ie a pink elmo t-shirt from h&m, it was in the 'boys' section but it is bright pink! ds3 wore it and now ds4 does quite happily. i imagine if i had a girl ds3's age then he woudl quite happily wear her clothes as he likes them, as it is my dd is only 14mths so they woudl be too small, but he LOVES to choose which outfits she is going to wear :) my mil wouldnt be bothered i dont think but then she knows that ds3 likes some 'girly' things and bought him lots of schleich fairy toys for his birthday.

i dont think ds3 likes things because they are girly or because he wants to be a girl btw, he just likes the patterns and the bright colours and lets face it girls clothes do tend to be more colourful and fun than boys!

4madboys · 25/02/2012 18:13

aww pombear thats sad :( my ds3 went to a fairy bday party recenlty, invited bya girl in his class and he got a green ring made of beads with a flower on it, he LOVES it, he has a little jewellry box and keeps it in there with all his treasures, he has a few bracelets and necklaces etc, some he has made himself with beads others he has got at parties or bought with his pocket money, if he wants them i am happy for him to do so! thankfully at 7 he is now big enough to tell people what he wants if anyone says that he shouldnt have them because they are 'girly' for a while he had a tinkerbell fairy scooter and he got a few comments about it being for a 'girl' he simply said 'NO its a fairy scooter and I LIKE FAIRIES' thankfully he is a very confident outgoing little boy and not phased by people making stupid assumptions based on gender :)

bobbledunk · 25/02/2012 18:31

Annie; that's true, depends on the child really. More confident children will just laugh back and carry on as normal, making it normal in their social circle, most kid's just want to fit in though. It just depends on what is normal in the area you live.

Original poster

SanctiMOANious · 25/02/2012 18:35

Idea: I have a Boden voucher, p'raps I should sit down with the catalogue and let him choose something. May provoke a discussion. He had a lovely afternoon at the in-laws in boy clothes, but he's in girl PJ's tonight. They are red & white charlie and lola ones though so I don't know why they 'have' to be for girls.

Good point, Annie, you VERY rarely see a little boy out in fun pink clothing, perhaps if we saw it a bit more then there would be more tolerance.

OP posts:

4madboys · 25/02/2012 18:42

yes let him choose some of his own clothes :) boden clothes are lovely and you can sell them on again as well, but if he is into rough and tumble you can get him some cheaper bits as well, m&s and even next do some nice bits and pieces, oh and john lewis. you can get some lovely colourful bright stripey clothes that can be for girls or boys. but i see nothing wrong in him wearing 'girls' clothes, they are JUST clothes.

dd has blue stripey 'boys' pjs, they are just pj's imo and ds3 has some with red starts all over that were in the girls section at m&s, he likes them [shrug]

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