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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have sex

58 replies

puds11 · 25/02/2012 13:36

AIBU to not have sex with DP as i feel really fat at the minute, and he told me the other day that i had got fat!
He keeps trying, but why would he if he thinks im fat?
Thinking he is gonna have to wait until im thin (could be a while)

OP posts:

rumngingerbeer · 25/02/2012 13:39

Fat people need love too.

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2012 13:39

In what context did he tell you you've got fat?

If it was used as an insult against you then that was nasty

If it was as part of a conversation about weight gain or something, then he's just saying what you're saying yourself.

Original poster

puds11 · 25/02/2012 13:41

it was in a conversation about how he is always telling me how hot other women are ie. people he works with, and me being upset that he never says anything like that about me EVER!
He said that i had put on loads of weight, and if i did look hot he would tell me which i guess means i dont!

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 13:42

Of course, you are quite within your right to not have sex if you don't want to, no matter what the reason. But if your DH is not making you feel gorgeous and sexy, no matter what size you are, he is letting you down. You need to have a serious talk about how his comments are making you feel.

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 13:43

X-posts. Doesn't sound like he cares for you or has any respect for you. What normal loving man compares his wife unfavourably to other women?! Does he have any redeeming features at all? Does he bring anything positive to your life?

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2012 13:45

Well it's disrespectful to keep telling you how 'hot' he finds other women anyway

Weight gain or not....that's not exactly conducive to a happy sex life is it?

As an aside, if you're unhappy with your weight it's probably best to do something about it now, in case you end up gaining more.

kodachrome · 25/02/2012 13:46

Dh said that to me and he'd certainly be waiting until I was thin, and after I was thin, he'd be waiting until he had a personality transplant.

kodachrome · 25/02/2012 13:47

If dh said that me, I mean.

BananasInBloomers · 25/02/2012 13:48

he sounds like a teenager.

mummymeister · 25/02/2012 13:50

i am very fat. my dh loves me for the person that i am not because i resemble a beefsteak tomato in my swimming costume. he does comment on other women as i comment on other men but the skin you are in is just that. start doing it back to him - see how he likes it [smiley face]

abbierhodes · 25/02/2012 13:50

Wow. This is not about your weight at all OP.

In fact, I bet you could lose at least 10 stone of unnecessary flesh- just point it towards the door! (Perhaps keeping his balls as a souvenir?)

rumngingerbeer · 25/02/2012 13:56

It's not his fault if he has started to find you sexually unattractive, particularly if you have piled on the pounds. HOWEVER, he has a responsibility to talk to you maturely about it. Of course, you are never unreasonable to refuse sex, it's your human right, BUT withholding sex as a weapon will almost definitely lead you to the divorce courts, is this what you want?

abbierhodes · 25/02/2012 14:05

Wow, rumngingerbeer, what a horrible attitude! It certainly is HIS FAULT if he's so shallow that he can't love his wife for who she is. It is HIS FAULT if he is using her appearance to put her down and chip away at her self esteem.

I don't think the OP is using sex as a weapon, I think she's just gone off the idea of shagging him now it's clear he's a cunt.

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 14:06

Rum - are you a man by any chance? How dare you place the blame for this man's knobbish behaviour on the OP?!

rumngingerbeer · 25/02/2012 14:09

No, I'm a woman, and I'm honest enough to admit that when my OH put on a lot of weight I did start to find him less sexually attractive. I didn't stop loving him though, or speak to him disrespectfully. And calm down Annie love, I'm not excusing his behaviour, he was wrong to say what he did, but losing sexual attraction when someone changes physically, particularly if they become obese is NOT unusual.

Troggydoesdoggy · 25/02/2012 14:10

DH is heading for a slap.
Seriously, even if he THINKS you have put on some weight recently, a little diplomacy would help more than telling you/agreeing with you that you are 'fat'.
Yes, do without sex until he learns to appreciate you.

~ V

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2012 14:12

YANBU... When you live with someone who spends their time deliberately putting you down and knocking your self-esteem... and then wants to have sex... why would you do that? Most women prefer to have sex with men that make us feel good about ourselves. If I were you, I'd get out there and find one that makes you feel that way.... in time-honoured MN fashion therefore 'leave the bastard'

desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 14:39

Ok, there are two issues here. Had I only read your first OP i would have said that actually you are being a bit unreasonable. I am fat, my DP tells me so, well, he says i should probably lose a bit of weight. He can sort of get away with it because he is a lard arse too and he is actually right, we are not at healthy weights just now. He also gets away with because i actually like my body as it is, i am very comfortable in my own skin, and ive got great tits . I am a size 20/22 so i really am a big girl.

BUT the deal breaker for me would be him saying he found other women attractive, it would not be a case of me not having sex wiht him it would be a case of him not actually havin anything that he could have sex with, ie: i would chop his tackle off. That is absolutely not on, and the best way to undermine someone's confidence.

rum i dont think you are a man, as abberhoides says. Because a MAN would appreciate a woman for what she is, and most men actually prefer a shapely woman. The only negative comment i get about my weight have actually come from other women. Their issues not mine, i cant help if they are jealous of my 38FF boobies. To find someone less sexually attractive because they have a few love handles is a bit shallow to be honest. My DP is twice the man i was when we met, i still can't keep my hands off him. But then im a very sexual person and so is he.

mingofmongo · 25/02/2012 15:05

Its easy to keep loving a person who has put on a lot of weight, but its much harder to find them sexually attractive. Its not something he can control and the only person who can fix it is you OP.

Not a subtle man though, is he?

ViolaCrayola · 25/02/2012 15:10

That is horrible - I can't believe he tells you about other women he finds attractive. DH doesn't even do this with celebrities - I would be outraged if he started saying this about women at work. I am on your behalf.

YANBU to not want to have sex with him - not because you feel overweight, but because he is making hurtful, pointless, horrible comments to you.

JosieZ · 25/02/2012 16:13

The question is are you having lots of raging sex - and he made that comment or are you not really having as much sex as he would like, and he made that comment.

I suspect that if you were having lots of raging sex he would't care if you looked like miss piggy on a bad hair day, but correct me if I'm wrong.

I base this premise on my experience of being married to a randy git for many years.

ChaoticAngel · 25/02/2012 17:43

He's a twat. A man who loves and values his wife would not be going on about how hot women at work are, while simultaneously putting his wife down.

whiskyfudge · 25/02/2012 17:48

I have no problem that my OH practically salivates when Holly Willoughby comes on the telly, I do the same when that Federer/Lindor ad comes on, but that's because these people are fantasy figures, we're never going to meet them so they are not a threat. I assume I would NOT be happy if he was going on about hot women at work as they are a potential threat. He's being more than a bit insensitive. BUT, as someone else says, withholding sex as a punishment is not the way to go about this.

perceptionreality · 25/02/2012 17:52

Why would anyone want to have sex with a twat like him? Nobody feels attracted to a partner who makes out you are not attractive.

Get rid of him.

2rebecca · 25/02/2012 18:30

And not having sex will improve your marriage how?
If my husband got fat I wouldn't fancy him as much. I married a slim bloke and don't find fat blokes sexy. If he decided he wasn't going to have sex with me because I preferred him thin that wouldn't help things. For many people fat isn't sexy. If you still fancy and love him and want the relationship to work and the only thing affecting your relationship is your weight then shift it.
Yes he could have lied and told you you still look hot but would that really have helped. Fancying someone is very tied up with how they look, and that includes weight. The idea that your partner will keep fancying you as your weight balloons is a myth many on mumsnet want to believe.

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