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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have sex

58 replies

puds11 · 25/02/2012 13:36

AIBU to not have sex with DP as i feel really fat at the minute, and he told me the other day that i had got fat!
He keeps trying, but why would he if he thinks im fat?
Thinking he is gonna have to wait until im thin (could be a while)

OP posts:
2rebecca · 25/02/2012 18:31

I agree that commenting on how hot women he works with are is horrid and unnecessary. That achieves nothing.

solidgoldbrass · 25/02/2012 18:34

YANBU at all. The fundamental unkindness and contempt he displays by telling you that you are not attractive but pestering for sex as well shows that he sees you as less than a person, you're just something for him to spunk in. Which is not at all appealing. 'I want to shag you because you might not look up to much but you're there' - how would that turn anyone on?

NewGirlInTown · 25/02/2012 18:55

Whisky fudge good to see another poster appreciate the sex God that is Roger Federer! I have met him and my partner had eagle eyes on me at all times!
:-)

perceptionreality · 25/02/2012 19:05

Quite, sgb

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 19:44

Those of you who can see the DH's point about the OP being less attractive with more weight... fair enough if he does find her less attractive. But there are far more subtle ways to address that than to compare her to 'hot' women in his workplace, and then still expect sex from her. That is not respectful, it's not going to make her lose weight, and it's not loving or supportive.

DH has changed in appearance over the years, and to be fair, isn't as visually attractive as he once was. Does it matter? No. I love him, not his appearance. And I'm certainly not looking my best right now, but he loves me just as much as ever. How can you 'go off' someone you truly and deeply love because their outward appearance has changed? Sounds worryingly shallow to me.

If you are concerned about your partner's weight, you should talk to them about it, in terms of how they feel about themselves, what might be troubling them and causing them to overeat. You talk to them about health. You ask if they need anything from you to support them, even if that something is just giving them the space to work it out themselves.

What you don't do is announce that they're fat and unattractive. That's just cruel.

Mia4 · 25/02/2012 20:03

He sounds very manipulative and bad for your self esteem (IMO). Sorry but i have to be honest, your whole replied comment hit warning bells for me. Even if your spouse has put on weight and you want to try and make that clear to them there's no need to be so backhanded and nasty about it. He sounds like a douchebag tbh, lowering your self esteem by going on about how hot some women are, being surprised you get upset and then slyly saying how he'd let you know if you were hot but you aren't because you've gained weight.

Sounds like a charmer. Personally I wouldn't stay with someone who is like that but if you want to OP i'd try turnabout is fair play.

akaemmafrost · 25/02/2012 20:09

No YANBU.

F*ck him off. SGB is right as usual.

rhondajean · 25/02/2012 20:16

I salivate at the federer Lindor ad too but it's not roger making me..!

How horrible. If mt DH told me other women particularly ones he has daily contact with at work were hot and I wasn't, I wouldn't want to breathe the same air as the bastard.

Tell him you can always lose the weight but he will always be a dickhead.

WibblyBibble · 25/02/2012 20:48

FFS why are people pretending this is about whether OP's partner finds her attractive? He obviously does find her attractive if he wants to have sex with her. However he is a dickhead who thinks he is entitled to someone better than himself so is trying to put her down to 'keep her in place', it's that simple. If it was about him not finding fatties attractive then there wouldn't even be an issue because he wouldn't be asking for sex. Please try to apply basic logic?

desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 20:59

Wibbley" that is an excellent point. For those of you who say that fat is not attractive, my DP always says that skinny women age really badly and look old before their time. Just* saying I dont neccesarily agree with him but Im a big girl, and i KNOW im damned hot.

desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 20:59

oh, sorry, didnt mean for that all to be bold!

picnicbasketcase · 25/02/2012 21:04

Agree with SGB as well - does he think he's doing you a favour by remaining faithful (ie continuing to shag you) whilst eroding your self esteem by telling you he COULD do better?

What a cockend.

Original poster
puds11 · 25/02/2012 21:12

Thankyou for all your comments. I know i have some weight to loose since i had my daughter, but at the end of the day im a size 10. I just wish he could be a little more tactful in the way he says things (he is the least tactful person i know!) It does knock my confidence in general, but i honestly dont think he realises that!

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 25/02/2012 21:17

I think you need to suggest that you much prefer larger dicks Hmm In fact, an adequately sized dick would be perfectly acceptable Wink

xkittyx · 25/02/2012 21:30

You are only a size 10? And he's slagging you because of changes to your body caused by carrying his child?
He's a complete prick. It's utterly unacceptable to tell you he finds other women (that he works with!) hot, and that you're not. That is just vile.
I would bet my house he realises exactly what he is doing, too.
I genuinely wouldn't stay with someone like this.

desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 21:31

you are a size 10 and he tells you you are fat, and more to the point YOU think you are fat? REALLY??? Hmm

desperatenotstupid · 25/02/2012 21:33

see, when i met my partner, i was a size 10, now im a size 20, we still fuck like rabbits. Your husband is a twat

susiedaisy · 25/02/2012 21:35

A size ten and he doesn't find you hot? Fgs I thought you were maybe saying you'd put several stones on, not that any weight gain should matter, but a size ten!! sorry op but your husband a Pratt.

AnnieLobeseder · 25/02/2012 22:41

A size 10? FFS, this is all about control and nothing about how you look. Run, run like the wind. This man will only ever grind you down until you hate yourself as much as he hates you.

nobodyspecial · 25/02/2012 22:46

WHY on earth would he tell you he finds women he works with "hot"? and then expect sex?! What an awful man.

Yanbu.

2rebecca · 25/02/2012 22:48

You are a size 10 and feel "really fat". You both sound strange. I'd presumed you were obese. Perhaps you are only 4 foot tall though. You are both making a fuss over nothing and sound as though you have a poor relationship. Why are you together?

ChaoticAngel · 25/02/2012 22:58

A size 10!!! Shock

I thought you were about an 18 which is what I am

AnnieLobeseder has said it perfectly in her last post.

WorraLiberty · 25/02/2012 23:36

You are a size 10 and feel "really fat". You both sound strange. I'd presumed you were obese. Perhaps you are only 4 foot tall though. You are both making a fuss over nothing and sound as though you have a poor relationship. Why are you together?

I agree they have a poor relationship but I take issue with you thinking the OP sounds strange because she feels really fat at a size 10.

If for example she's always been a size 6 or 8....or if she's a 'flabby' size 10 and feels she wants a firmer body back, that doesn't make her 'strange'...nor does it mean she's 'making a fuss over nothing'.

We all feel how we feel when we look at ourselves naked in the mirror and whilst size 10 is something a lot of people would like to be, it doesn't mean that people (especially very small framed people) can't feel fat at that size.

Cherriesarelovely · 26/02/2012 01:00

Um of course YANBU. How thoughtless of DP to say how "hot" he finds women that he works with....that is really unpleasant IMHO and then to tell you that you are fat?! It is no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. Why would you want to when he makes you feel so unhappy? I'm not trying to provoke you into doing anything extreme but I really would be questioning why I was with someone at all if they spoke to me like that. I'm sure you deserve much better.

Cherriesarelovely · 26/02/2012 01:02

Oh my god, I only just read the bit about your being a size 10!!!!!! Unbelievable! He is a prize twat!