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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm not just 'fun dad' ?

53 replies

MrGin · 23/02/2012 19:02

I'm an NRP. My dd is 3. I have dd alternate w/e and see her in the week to take her swimming.

My XP made a passing comment about me just doing the 'fun stuff' with dd and my initial response ( internal ) was a bit Hmm .

True I'm not the one taking dd to nursery 2 days a week ( despite offering to do so ) , but when dd stays ( she's been here all week ) I cook, bathe , take her swimming, for walks in the countryside, hair dressers if needed, buy her clothes, wash her clothes, get up in the night if she call etc. I'd be perfectly happy to take her to the doctor if she ever needed it.

I could understand if I just turned up and took dd to the zoo and dropped her back at mums. But I do care for and dicipline where needed.

Of course dd is at mums a lot more than with and does take her to classes ( which are quite fun when I've been to them ), I fully appreciate she has the bigger share of looking after dd ( she isn't however very agreeable when I suggest I see dd more in the week ).

AIBU to think it was an unfair comment ? What am I missing ?

( goes off to bath dd and wash up the tea stuff )

OP posts:
Pinot · 23/02/2012 19:10

Aww Gin, sounds like you're doing a grand job. Maybe she'd had a shit day and was venting? Unfair I know.

Maybe have a chat with her to ease your worries about what she said. And of course you can then address it if it turns out her opinion is correct.

My guess is she was just pissed off and you were the easy choice to have a go at.

thisisyesterday · 23/02/2012 19:16

take the opportunity to say "i'm sorry you feel like that, what else would you like me to do..."

maybe you will end up with more time with her!

i wonder if perhaps it just feels to her mum like you always do fun stuff? whereas she maybe can't do fun things on the weekends with her?
perhaps DD comes home telling her about all the great things she has done and your XP feels that she doesn't offer her so much at the weekends and she feels guilty?

that isn't to say that you should stop, you sound like a great dad :)

BupcakesandCunting · 23/02/2012 19:50

Gin, your XP is as mad as a march hare.

HTH.

Wink
Original poster
MrGin · 23/02/2012 19:51

Yeah, she had had a long day, and her mums been quite ill so prob doesn't have as much time as she'd like with dd. and I did just let it pass as we were generally talking parent stuff so I didn't want to start an uneccissary argument.

But yes, do intent to ask what else it is she'd like me to do, just wanted to test the waters here. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
MrGin · 23/02/2012 19:54

:o Bupcakes. I know, but I still have to try and keep things smooth.

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 23/02/2012 19:55

MrGin Keep doing exactly what you're doing. Your DD sounds like a lucky girl Smile

BupcakesandCunting · 23/02/2012 20:00

Gin, from what I know of you you are a brilliant dad. Fuck knows there are mothers on here who'd kill for their children to have a dad who cares so much after they've separated from the mother.

Your XP is a div and I am officially offering you my Chinning Services.

dementedma · 23/02/2012 20:03

MrGin sounds like you are doing a great job!

madonnawhore · 23/02/2012 20:04

You sound like you're doing a brilliant job OP.

Let's give your XP the benefit of the doubt that she was having a bad day. Because that really was quite a mean thing for her to say.

Waxtart · 23/02/2012 20:08

I wonder if it's not about you, but more about how she feels about her own parenting. But equally, does she have blind spots? Did she ever see how much you did in the relationship or with your dd? Maybe it's just something she will never see - perhaps you need to give yourself a pat on the back and tell yourself how good a dad you are. Because once you recognise it yourself, and truly feel it, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

hathorinareddress · 23/02/2012 20:09

MrGin I've read some of your other threads about your X and I'd like to agree with Buppers

BupcakesandCunting · 23/02/2012 20:12

"I wonder if it's not about you, but more about how she feels about her own parenting."

Yep.

starkadder · 23/02/2012 20:18

She was probably having a bad day. When DS was little, DH and I both worked part time and looked after him part time. We have a good relationship - no problems - but even so, I found myself thinking, after a day at work "Hmmph, DH has had it so easy today, playing with DS in the park all day, lucky sod". BUT on the days I had DS, I'd be all, "Grr, DH has NO idea how hard I've had it, looking after this demanding baby all day long". Clearly completely ridiculous and unfair - I did realise this!! But I still caught myself thinking it. And I am generally quite reasonable.

What I'm trying to say is - I bet it was because she'd had a bad day, and it's wrong to take the easy way out and growl at you, but kind of understandable too.

Psammead · 23/02/2012 20:21

Gin, I think she just likes getting at you so one day when you've had enough she can say 'see?'. But you are a good one. She will have to admit it sooner or later.

TattyDevine · 23/02/2012 20:26

Don't take it to heart. I think as the parent who does "more" in terms of simple hours of hands on stuff it can feel this way - even when you are still together with your partner - as I am - he sort of swoops in at the weekend, organises all kinds of fun stuff like bike rides and provides food I would sneer at during the week etc etc and plays actual hide and seek whereas I just hide and hope they don't find me.

YANBU

BupcakesandCunting · 23/02/2012 20:27

"Gin, I think she just likes getting at you so one day when you've had enough she can say 'see?'. But you are a good one. She will have to admit it sooner or later."

Yep.

Sanuk · 23/02/2012 20:32

I can see how, in a self-pitying mood, someone could view weekends and swimming class as 'the fun bits' (although personally I would dance a happy jig if I was the parent getting out of doing the latter). It's a cheap shot to sling at someone though when they'd dearly love to have more time with your DD.

Asking her what you more you can do like thisis suggested is a good idea.

BupcakesandCunting · 23/02/2012 20:37

Don't ask her what more you can do ffs.

She'll never be happy, that one.

aldiwhore · 23/02/2012 20:45

Sounds like you've been at the sharp end of a mum who's been told by her child she prefers daddy because he's more 'fun', things that aren't everyday are usually perceived as more fun I suppose but don't take it to heart.

A good mate of mine is utterly depressed at the moment because she does the majority of shitty stuff, and the majority of hum drum stuff, works full time and doesn't even get many weekends with her dd. She's not depressed that her dd's dad is brilliant (she's probably grateful for that) nor is she depressed that she doesn't get to do all the 'cool' stuff.... what made her depressed was her dd's innocent declaration that 'daddy is so cool and always happy'... and really, you can't blame her for feeling a bit miffed that her efforts are completely ignored. Even though it isn't her ex's fault.

I realise its a different person and probably different circumstances.

Have a bit of pity for your ex. Nothing wrong with telling her she's doing brilliantly... because she probably is and probably doesn't hear it enough.

You're doing nothing wrong. YANBU for being peeved with the comment though.

Your ex wasn't fair for saying it (out loud) but let it go... unless this is a common statement from her, in which case, you need to talk!

Waxtart · 23/02/2012 20:45

I don't think I'd say anything either. I've found with my ex that comments like that are just baiting me to say something, so he can try all the things he used to do to wind me up. I just ignore him these days when he makes them and they fall flat.

mathanxiety · 23/02/2012 20:50

Was it just a flippant remark or did she say it with venom?
Haven't seen any other thread of yours about this XP and maybe flippant isn't her thing. Although it's a standard phrase in women's magazine articles about life with children after divorce.

'Sorry you feel like that and what would you like me to do?' gets my vote.

I personally found taking small children swimming to be the biggest pita ever and did it only when I absolutely had to

mathanxiety · 23/02/2012 20:52

If your DD is aged 3-4 then she probably thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread and getting you all to herself is a dream come true. She may have told her mother that she pales by comparison.

catgirl1976 · 23/02/2012 21:00

Sounds like you are doing a great job. Maybe she had just had a bad day and was tired. I wouldn't let it get to you. You just carry on being a great dad. If it is bothering you , ask her what she meant and what more you could do and like others have said maybe you'll get more time or maybe an apology

catgirl1976 · 23/02/2012 21:01

Oh - just read full thread- sounds like there is history so maybe don't ask her..........

WibblyBibble · 23/02/2012 21:28

I've spent the last 24 hours cleaning vomit off practicaly everything in the house. I would not even bother telling my ex he's a 'fun dad' because he'd, er, probably go on the internet and whine that I'm sooooo meaaaan and get validation from all his idiot friends who think he's amazing because he has a penis and hasn't yet committed actual homicide or bank robbery. I think what you need to do is recognise your male privilege* and stfu about your ex saying something minor that reflects her perspective unless you really do intend to do something about it (my ex would be all 'yeah shared residence' and all that until one sleepless night and then he practically can't function, so I don't buy people claiming they want that until they actually do it- and tbh even if you do it now you've missed the hardest bits of child raising unless you did shared care when she was a young baby/toddler). I realise this makes me OMG RAD FEM or whatever and I don't care. HTH.

*That thing which makes any relatively trivial achievment of a man worthy of huge congratulation but if a woman did the same it would be only what was expected of her as a bare minimum- see also: do you ever go to work without first using a hairdryer.