AIBU to think I'm not just 'fun dad' ?

[MrGin]

I'm an NRP. My dd is 3. I have dd alternate w/e and see her in the week to take her swimming.

My XP made a passing comment about me just doing the 'fun stuff' with dd and my initial response ( internal ) was a bit .

True I'm not the one taking dd to nursery 2 days a week ( despite offering to do so ) , but when dd stays ( she's been here all week ) I cook, bathe , take her swimming, for walks in the countryside, hair dressers if needed, buy her clothes, wash her clothes, get up in the night if she call etc. I'd be perfectly happy to take her to the doctor if she ever needed it.

I could understand if I just turned up and took dd to the zoo and dropped her back at mums. But I do care for and dicipline where needed.

Of course dd is at mums a lot more than with and does take her to classes ( which are quite fun when I've been to them ), I fully appreciate she has the bigger share of looking after dd ( she isn't however very agreeable when I suggest I see dd more in the week ).

AIBU to think it was an unfair comment ? What am I missing ?

( goes off to bath dd and wash up the tea stuff )

Bless you Wibbly. Hope you are OK.

What a rati

What a rational post that wasn't.

Because your ex is a certain way all men are a certain way?

Male privilige is not seeing your kids much, fantastic.

OP, if it makes you feel any better, my parents are divorced and my mum had a huge rant at me once for preferring my dad as he was the fun one who treated us and she was the one who got stuck with all the shit stuff, and that my brother and I preferred our dad because we were "blinded by his money" and "all the presents" he bought us. Blah blah blah...

I might have had some sympathy except that I was 26 and had a 3 year old and a partner at the time. I hadn't lived at home since I was 18 and, whilst it was true we spent more time with my dad, that's because he wasn't a wizened old crow. He didn't/doesn't have loads of money, and certainly didn't spend it all on us! But he did chose to spend more time/money on/with us than she did.

She was just repeating what she'd heard the other single parents say about the NRP at work and hadn't realised it didn't apply to us because their children were 7 and being bought Playstations, and I wasn't!

I think that sometimes people are having a shit time and just lash out. Even if what they say doesn't make a huge amount of sense! It's just their way of saying "I'm really pissed off at the moment!" And if they can make the [perceived] cause of that shitness feel bad too, well that's just a bit cathartic.

Wibbly Lolzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Either you live in a tiny teeny house or your dc must be possesed to vomit over everything in the house.... or you're exagerating a bit.

I don't seem to be able to post anything these days without someone pratting on about my male privalage.

I'm not looking for a pat on the back. I am not yr XP.

mathanxiety no not said with venom, but there is a history of this. XP is rather competitive. She's a good mum but very controlling.

But yes, we are due for a discussion soon. I'll try and raise it in a positive way.

MrGin from the posts of yours I have read in LP, I too would have to agree with Bupcakes.

Unfortunately there is no pleasing some people, I can only guess that nothing will be good enough for your XP. FWIW, it sounds as if you do a great job!

If you want the history to continue, then raise it. If not, let it pass.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Wibbly, apologies , it sounds like you're having a shit time and I hope things get better for you. But I assure you I'm about as far away from a self entitled shitbag flexing their male entitlement as you could meet.

I respect women, treat them as equals and try and bring a critical awareness to many things in my life. I'm not a boozy football mad neandertal who looks down on people.

Wibbly, what the fuck was that all about?

I've read loads of your posts Gin.
I think you're an amazing dad.
Don't listen to your ex, concentrate on your little girl. She's the important one, and as far as she's concerned you're her dad and along with her mum, you're the most important person in her life.
Never doubt it.

I've seen your posts before too, Mr.G, and I think in the past talked to you about your Ex.

I agree with Bups and Lady.

Sigh, walk away, and Hold Head High.

Don't rise. Not worth it.

Wibbly I guess you're enraged and entitled to do so, but ummm... just because you're frustrated and angry (and probably rightly so) doesn't mean all men are twats... and certainly doesn't mean the OP is doing anything 'wrong'.

Though I do empathise somewhat. I'm a SAHM, not a lone parent, and my boys sometimes appear to favour their dad over me. I say 'appear to' because well, they see me ALL THE TIME, shit even I'd get bored with that ocassionally. They see less of their dad as he's often working away. He's not a better parent than me, nor more 'fun' its just that I'm always around so sometimes probably fade into insignificance. Something that's going to change soon...

I sort of understand you wibbly and other RP's... and understand NRP's annoyance when their contribution is thrown in their face by a tired, fed up, unappreciated RP.

However, MrGin has simply asked if he's BU in thinking it was an ufair comment, and even if its understandable WHY his ex said it, it probably WAS an U comment to make to him.

Like when I once exclaimed to DH that he gets to stay in lovely hotels and work with interesting people whilst I'm stuck at home... even though it FELT like that at the time, its wasn't fair of me to say it, because he'd much rather not have to spend so much time away from home really.

Oh gosh, that old chestnut. It's a bit disingenous for the PWC, the extremely fortunate and blessed PWC, to resent you because you do "fun" stuff with your DD in the small amount of time you get to see her. I'd like to bet you would give your eye teeth to have your DD all the time and get to do all the mundane stuff with her. Some people do not know how lucky they are.

YANBU - you sound like an equal parent (apart from time wise obvioulsy)

Having said that maybe your XP is in a catch 22 of her own making. She can't find a comfortable way to relinquish control but then feels resentful for doing 'more'. The 'more' is often the thinking part - feeling responsible - having more eyes on you. As a single mother you are often judged, harshly and unfairly. As a single father you are often idolised as some god like creature for doing the same. There is an imbalance out there although it seems to be (slightly) changing and improving.

a fun dad is someone who turns upo, takes the kids out to the zoo/park/attraction/etc, followed by a meal out and then drops back home at the mums with a bag of dirty washing and uncompleted homework.

Some dads have no option. DH's ex accused him of the same thing. Yet she insisted on children home by teatime and refused to allow him to be involved in their lives in any other way. He saw them every other weekend and they never ever brought their homework, despite being asked. These ex's can't have it both ways.

I'm a RP. My ex has the children (5 and nearly 2) alt w/e and one night mid week. I do have criticism of things he does when he's with the children, thought tbh, as long as I think they're happy enough, don't raise most of it (unless I have to) as it just leads to disagreements. (He does not accept criticism of any sort, in any way!)

Maybe your ex is tired, sounds like a careless, throwaway comment at the end of a hard day. Maybe she's feeling too knackered to get up and go - caring for a little one most of the week is tiring. It's not as if she's saying you never do anything or bother about your dd is it? Cut her a bit of slack! I bet she's a great mum - just gets tired and despondent at times doing it all on her own. It does sound like she needs a bit of a lift, and telling what a great job she's doing.

I don't know you - it's just that I can imagine my ex posting all sorts of rubbish about me (he's certainly told people a lot of rubbish) while trying very hard to ensure he comes across as very "sensitive" and caring! (He'd be the first to mention any ironing/ washing/ cooking he's done!) I always think there are two sides to every story, and I bet if she told her side she would attract equal sympathy and reassurance! (Unless it was a mad rant of course!)

Hi gin

Yes it was unfair and YANBU for being hurt by it. We get the same. When my DH (who has three DCs) asks his exW why he wasnt told about an important appointment at school with learning support and also was just about the last to know about his daughter breaking her arm we got a very po faced "well, you are not the resident parent" and you "dont have full time care" Like all we do is zipidee doo dah and run through corn fields in the dappled sunlight when the kids are here.

It's about control, my lovely. Try to ignore it. let it pass. Actions, its what you DO not what you SAY, that matters.

Now off to wash DSS rugby kit, find cooking stuff for DSS and work out how to have a gentle chat with my DSD about leaving wet towels on the floor..

Agree with DoMeDon r.e the double standards about single mums and dads.
I know a single dad who has brought up his child from birth (as have I ) and it's interesting how he has always been told by women that he is an amaaazing person and has done an amaaaazing thing.
Wot a hero etc. He is a good dad, but I when it comes to single mums, we are portrayed as idle slags who are fucking up our kids by depriving them of a male role model!

I don't know your history with your ex, so can be neutral about this, but she probably did get some comment from DD about you being the fun one, and is feeling peeved.
My ds sees his dad every 2 months and has fun with him, which is nice, but it still grates when he says "daddy never gets cross.
Yeah, well, Daddy is capable of looking after him when I am working to a point, but still has to be left a note to remind him of everything like Breathe in. Breathe out
I would love to have a NRP like you, but, still, one weekend every fortnight works out at one day a week (plus swimming lesson) and she probably does bear the brunt of the tantrums/vomit/ daily grind.
But, yeah, talk to her if you can and see where her complaint is coming from.

Forget the negative comments MrGin you sound a great sort.

MrGin - I have seen you around a little bit, but don't recall any of your 'history'. Is there a reason you haven't gone for 50/50 shared care? Or if you have, why didn't you get it?

Maybe you are more "fun". My husband is naturally more playful, imaginative and exciting for my daughter to be around than me. It's probably the thing I admire most about him as a parent, his ability to relate to children. He is still a very responsible parent and does his fair share of the work. Take it as a backhanded compliment.

If your ex wants you to be less of a fun Dad ask for more time with your child.

Though I don't get this fun time bit.

Who decides what's fun? Some parents hate taking their children to the zoo, park or swimming, others love it. It's all subjective.

I think you can find it all rewarding if you want to. I like taking them or picking them up from school and all that sort of stuff, it's part of being a parent.

chippingin

the 50:50 thing. There are a couple of reasons.

XP and I never lived together as such. We'd only been seeing each other for 5 months before she became preg. We were talking / looking at moving together but split before it happened, I guess luckilly.

But XP lives mortgage free in a nice area of London. I live in an area of outstanding natural beauty outside of London where I grew up.

For me it's a choice of a two bed house here ( so dd has her own room with her stuff ) or a depressing one bed / studio flat in her area. XP would love the latter because she thinks dd should never sleep anywhere else than at mums. So she'd argue I shouldn't have dd overnight. It was a three month fight to get dd coming for overnights. Her head would pop if I suggested 50:50.

But apart from my wish that dd spends time and is happy in the countryside there is a financial reality. Even working fulltime I'd struggle to find a two bed place near XP. If I cut my working hours and wages by 50% I can't see how I can do it.

I would dearly live it to be possible though. I miss dd very much when she's not here.

XP has every single mums dream life. Nice flat, mortgage free, earns £200 ph and works 6-8 hours a week, spends lots of time withh dd in the week, large savings ( and good on her, I don't resent it ).

But she does come out with comments that make me think she has no idea how the average single mum / dad struggles.

I'd just qualify that, despite not living together I was staying at her place 5 nights a week, and was hand on when dd was an infant. XP did of course do much more as I was working full time, had been promoted and had a lot of work pressure to live up to.

Ironically if I stopped £500- £600 pm in CM and recieved the same from XP I could feasibly become the RP.

You sound lovely. Keep doing what you are doing and ignore her!