AIBU to be irritated with my MIL?

[millskii]

my in laws are from northern ireland and are coming over this weekend to visit us and our 7 month old son. in the past when they have visited, my mother in law takes over my house - does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry. At first I was grateful for the help, but now I feel as if she is trying to upstage me. I feel offended and its as if she thinks im incapeable of taking care of my family. I have voiced this to my other half, but he just says 'shes only trying to help'. my MIL is a nanny by profession and has devoted her life to bringing up her 3 sons, the other two still both live at home with her (they are 28 and 30), and she still washes their pants, cooks 3 meals a day, etc. AIBU to be irritated with her? How should I handle this situation? i can feel its starting to bug me and i dont want these feelings to develop into resentment.

Just tell her you would love for her to have a proper break and enjoy time with her Grandson and leave everything to you as you have it all in hand!

Gawd... I would love someone to come into my house, cook my meals, do my housework and let me put my feet up...

Let her get on with it, I say.
I'd think she was an arrogant cow, but I'd get over it pretty quickly if I was getting a break.

Maybe you can give her a couple of tedious but very time consuming jobs to do while you get on with other things.

She can come and stay with us, I don't mind being upstaged domestically.

My own mother does this to me!

I resign myself to the fact that she'll always do it- however much I ask her not to, and that, in the grand scheme of things, she doesn't visit very often or for very long.

I know I do a good job of looking after my family and as irritating as it is- at least I get a break!
As fabulousathome said- can you get her to clean the oven or something?

I do understand where you are coming from. There is a fine line between extreme helpfulness and being undermined and sidelined in your own house. YANBU.

She can come and stay at my house instead then!! I'd love someone to come and do all the housework for a few days.

My mil did this until I got dh to have a word with fil about it. For me it is way overstepping a huge boundary and very invasive. I know other people don't have an issue with it at all.

If its bothering you that much then it needs to be sorted.

I had this conversation with my MIL too - I just said "My house, my rules - sit down, have a cuppa and when I need some help I'll shout" and made sure to ask for help sometimes and not play the harassed martyr... she was fine with that and enjoyed the chance to have someone "do" for her for a change.

because she still does it for the other siblings I'd be inclined to say it's not a reflection on you, it's just how she sees herself within her family.

you could let her just get on with it and tell her what a star she is and how much you appreciate her help but that you don't expect it from her.

how long do they usually stay for? I can appreciate it would make you feel displaced in your own home but if you can keep it positive it could be very beneficial to you. (The help in the long run I mean).

My MIL used to bring cleaning products with her when she used to stay with my BIL and SIL, and would go round bleaching everything, even though they had cleaned the house before she arrived. She never understood why they got upset! After a huge row and not being invited to stay for a few years she has calmed down abit, although she can't help making comments about how untidy/unclean things are in their house or our house. Last time she stayed with us she told me I needed to clean my windows!

Have you ever really considered why she does this?

It seems from your post that she has always been like this. Maybe it is her way of feeling needed and wanted. If she came over and did nothing would you be on here complaining about a MIL who visits but just sits on her ass all day and lets you run after her?

I think yabu, just tell her to sit down and put her feet up, or alternatively have all your housework done before she gets a chance.

Did she start this before or after your DS was born. If it was afterwards, then all you need to do is tell her that you don't need the help any more, and that DS is now old enough to benefit from spending time with her, not from having his mother freed up to spend time with him.

Both my mother and MIL helped after DS and DD were born, but once the newborn period was over, things went back to normal. DM and DMIL now spend time with DS when they are here, as I am usually plugged into baby DD! No more house cleaning for me! but that's all right, because I get annoyed when things are put back in weird places

All depends on what kind of person she is.

Is she lovely and fluffy and complimentary to you, sees you as a daughter etc. etc., always helping EVERYONE and simply can't sit down and sit still? Cherish her and her mumsy fussing if so and make sure you maintain your 'position' by being loudly grateful for having a mum in law who loves to 'help you' so much.

Or is she controlling, judgemental, tries to undermine you, the vibes are all bad?

If so crush her like a bug

I would say no to someone doing my washing (I'm fussy about what goes at what temps with what washing powder, what gets handwashed etc my husband is now well trained but I wouldn't let anyone else near my clothes) but they are welcome to vaccuum, and very very welcome to iron. Cooking is fine as long as I get to choose the menu and they are preparing what I have chosen. She would be free and very welcome to make adhoc cakes and puddings though.

she is generally lovely and a helpful person; but she does make the odd comment...like how she would have got the washing up done by 8am with three children, knowing I leave mine build up for a day or so lol! I think I need to relax and let her get on with things, as I think the issue is really that she likes to feel like my partner still 'needs' her. I just dont want them to think I am a bad mother because my house isn't immaculate - as that seems to be how she defines what makes a good mum! Thanks for the advice ladies :-)

She sounds exactly like my mil. Pita they are

"how she would have got the washing up done by 8am with three children"

Just smirk at her neglectfulness as a mother...

My MIL is a bit like this. I don't mind her helping, I'm not precious about my kitchen, but the thing that annoys me about it is that she seems happier to be doing the washing up, cooking etc than playing with her grandchildren. I find that very sad, and also a bit annoying - as as SAHM with 3 young DCs I could really do with a break from them occasionally - cooking in peace with no one tugging at my leg is actually quite a treat for me!

The way I have tackled it is to let her do some helping, but every now and then I will say quite firmly 'the thing that would help me most right now is for you to look after the DCs while I cook lunch'. The first few times this just didn't work - I remember once saying it and not 5 mins later I found myself holding a baby while she unloaded the dishwasher - but it has started to sink in. Last time my PILs visited they spent much more time interacting with the children (after I had made this comment AGAIN) which IMO is nicer for everyone.

I'd sneak off for the weekend. Possibly nobody will notice - winner.

I wish some bugger would come round my house and interfere with the tidying up and other housework. I'd just go out.