AIBU to be irritated with my MIL?

[millskii]

my in laws are from northern ireland and are coming over this weekend to visit us and our 7 month old son. in the past when they have visited, my mother in law takes over my house - does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry. At first I was grateful for the help, but now I feel as if she is trying to upstage me. I feel offended and its as if she thinks im incapeable of taking care of my family. I have voiced this to my other half, but he just says 'shes only trying to help'. my MIL is a nanny by profession and has devoted her life to bringing up her 3 sons, the other two still both live at home with her (they are 28 and 30), and she still washes their pants, cooks 3 meals a day, etc. AIBU to be irritated with her? How should I handle this situation? i can feel its starting to bug me and i dont want these feelings to develop into resentment.

I used to feel this way about my mum who was constantly asking 'what can I do to get lunch ready' etc etc. When I moaned about this to my mum-less friend she said a) it made Mum happy and feel useful and it was mean to stop her and b) my house was not exactly a model of Good Housekeeping and there is always something useful to be done, I should be grateful, just have a list in your head or save stuff for her (clean oven, ironing) and when you run out get her to peel potatoes or chop onions, they will always come in handy.

In fact next time my mum comes I am going to buy a sack of onions to peel then I will freeze them. Genius!

mrspepperpotty nails it. Make it clear to her that as far as you and your DH are concerned, she and your FIL are there as your DS's grandparents.

I suggest keep saying things like this:

"No no, you mustn't do that, you're here to enjoy this special time with your grandson, not be my skivvy!"

"No no, I'll do that, it's a joy to get on with stuff without constant interruptions."

"The domestic stuff never ends, it'll make no difference what you do on that front. Just enjoy your grandson while you're here".

Make sure you say these things in front of your DH and FIL. Then disappear into the kitchen.

Also - get out of the house during the day, or send her and FIL out with your baby in the pram for a "nice walk together".

Bear in mind that some people are happier doing the domestic stuff because they're actually not that keen on kids!

She probably doesn't know any other way of behaving tbh if she has devoted her life to "her boys". Very Irish mammy (I'm Irish so I know the symptoms). It is highly unlikely that she has anything other than good intentions. If she doesn't visit too often I would be inclined to enjoy the benefits of her being around and say a big thank you when she goes which will make her feel good.

My MIL is a bit like this and it irritates the living daylights out of me. I know I should be grateful, I know I'm being a grumpy brat, but it just pisses me off, hugely. Last time she came she brought milk and soup with her - I mean WTAF!!!! I was incredibly insulted that 1) she didn't actually ask if she needed to bring anything 2) she assumed we would have nothing in for lunch, which was not the case 3) she brought something that she likes but everyone else hates - even FIL didn't eat it! DH and I had a tiny bit of soup each out of politeness but neither of us could hide the fact that we didn't like it. She knows full well that we don't drink skimmed milk and yet that's what she brought - I had to throw out practically a full carton after she left.

The thing is, I don't think I'd mind her interfering if it was meant in a genuinely helpful way, but there is an undertone of judgement all the time. Her previous visit she brought a packet of teatowels and handed them to me saying "This is your present Cailin" (she had already given DH a drill thing) "because I can never find teatowels in this house." I gave her a deathstare and she backtracked bigtime. I don't think she realises how she comes across sometimes. I would love to get along with her and I try not to let it annoy me but it's very hard to feel comfortable with someone who invades your house and points out things they're not happy with.

As others have said, I prevent her interfering somewhat by dispatching her off with DS as often as possible.

Yes yes CailinDana, my MIL brings random foodstuffs with her too! Once a bag of spinach (??) and once a whole roasted chicken!! I said 'oh, we're actually having duck' (had planned to do a special recipe) and she suggested putting the duck breasts in the freezer and eating the chicken instead - she actually used the phrase 'I'm just thinking of what would be easier for you' - ARGHH!!

I stuck to my guns and cooked the duck as planned.

My MIL is a bit like this, and I find it very annoying. But she has improved over the years (well, she no longer turns up with bread and potatoes!).

We get on a lot better when she is a guest in my house. I find as soon as she starts helping me, she starts overstepping boundaries all over the place - moving things, criticising the way we do things, that sort of thing. So I encourage her to just relax, or maybe take DD out for an outing. That way everyone is happy.

I'm from N Ireland originally. In my experience the vast majority of Irish mothers are like this. They think they are helping and giving you a rest- they really don't know how else to be. She would probably spontaneously combust if she wasn't looking after someone. I'm positive it's no criticism of you. Put your feet up and take a well earned rest

Mrspepper - I'm seriously considering turning up at my MIL's house with a swede, a yoghurt and a half empty carton of orange juice and presenting them to her in a benevolent fashion. Would that stop the campaign of random foodstuffs do you think?

Mine is like this - used to really really get my back up. Now with 7 month old twins I'm incredibly grateful and let her get on with it. She even irons my bedsheets and changes the bed (shame face!).

Seriously, now I try and redirect her to things we need but today she has turned up with three giant boxes of nappies, eight bottles of infacol, and a load of food. She only lives 10 mins away but I have limited her to just coming on a friday and she spends the whole day which gives me a break.

I doubt yours is trying to undermine you but genuinely trying to help - go with it!

Marry an orphan. I did, and it totally works.

I save the ironing for my MIL to do each time she visits. In fact, the ironing pile is looking suitably enormous, might give her a ring.

Make the most of it, if it comes with odd comments about how to do stuff "properly" just nod and smile.

I think it is because she is from NI (no offence to anyone) my DH is from there and I have met a fair few women who are like this. I think she doesn't know how else to be and sees her role in life as looking after everyone. I think she is probably doing it out of love. You could always take her out for some pampering or something, she may really enjoy that.

Agree with MrsPepper - my MIL is like this too, I've learnt to deflect her into the childcare side and then she has a few things, like loading the dishwasher, that she does when she's here. She does it because, to her, it shows she cares.

Last time she came I was really unwell but only just realising it, she was an absolute godsend and prevented me from probably ending up in hospital so I see her help in a completely different way now!

My MIL is a bit like this - God - I love it

Let her get on with the ironing/hoovering if it makes her happy.

I'd probably wash up if I was at someone's house with a small baby and there was over a day's worth of washing up - especially if family. I bet its just habit on her part and her wanting to help you.

I can see how it would be irritating if she just takes over rather than asking if you would like some help.

How does she think things get done when she isn´t there

See, people saying "gosh, i'd love that" are thinking "a cleaner I don't have to pay" not "someone coming into your home, judging your level of cleanliness as substandard, making it clear they think you're a crap wife/mother but not directly saying it, and making you either run round cleaning more than you would normally choose to in order to 'get in first' or accepting the insult."

It sounds like the latter. Firstly, you and DH have to be a team on dealing with this, he has to help redirect his mother, if need be, even saying "millskill finds it a bit upsetting that you clean everything, she feels like you think she's not doing a good job of being a mum, I know that's not what you mean, but can you stop? It's not a help if it causes us to have an argument and I want the two most important woman in my life to get along." the other alternative is you limit the amount of time she visits.

If he won't do that, then I guess you'll have to do lots of distractions to get her out of the habit of cleaning at yours, lots of "what would really be a help is if you could take DS for a walk to feed the ducks for half an hour while I get dinner on/the ironing done/sit and mumsnet." say regularly (and loudly) "oh, don't do the washing up/cleaning, you're a guest here, DH, tell your mum to relax."

Why does anyone think that it´s acceptable for her to just take over the running of someone else´s house?

And those that do-do you also do it when visiting someone?

Surely if you wanted your mum/mil to cook/clean/wash for you you wouldn´t leave home or would employ them?

She's an Irish mammie.

You haven't a snowballs chance in hell of changing her.

Be thankful she's over the water and she's not coming round every other night to make sure you're feeding her wee boy properly

I would not take this as a reflection on yourself and your house keeping skills,she is obviously happy to do what she does and take care of things she see's it as a big part of her life and let her spoil you and her DS and DGC for the week-end she has probably been looking forward to it for ages.Sit back and relax.

CailinDana

You threw out a nearly-full carton of milk?!! What a waste and what a disappointment for the poor cow that had produced it. Why couldn't you have used it for baking if you didn't want to drink it on cereal or in tea/coffee? Or why couldn't you have offered it to an elderly someone who lives next door?

We used to have my mother round once a week and she would dry the dishes while I washed up after dinner. She was always telling me how to hold the knives while washing them. FGS! I'm in my 60s! Do I need to be told to hold the blade away from the wiping hand? I kept doing it because she kept telling me.

My MIL tells everyone how she looks forward to coming to our house for dinner, because she likes to have dinner prepared for her and to be waited on, I think after several years of me politely declining offers of help she's given up, she plays with dd while I get on with it.

I had this issue with my mother recently over washing and ironing. I have 22 month old twins and in the early days help was lovely but as time has moved by and I began to feel on top of things I tried to redirect her into spending time with the girls as her help was becoming irksome. For example she has accidentally shrunk/ruined clothes by tumble drying ones that shouldn't have been, re ironing already ironed clothes etc! The gentle hints didn't work so I asked her not too. She became very offended but it's all by now and I look forward to her visits rather than feeling worried about the house!