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AIBU?

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Original poster

to hack into his facebook account

67 replies

feelingfaraway · 22/02/2012 21:17

The situation: currently living in different countries from my partner, father of my 2.5-yr-old DS. Plan always been that he comes here in June. Communication not easy, as he lives in a remote area. Relationship not fantastic anyway, possibly just been trying to keep it together for the sake of the family. Love each other, but not so much passion there these days. Have had surprisingly little communication from him in the last three weeks. Finally skyped today and it was a bit stilted, something seemed odd. Checked his emails (he doesn't know I have the password). Found a woman's phone number he's emailed himself, and a facebook notification from the a woman with the same name just saying Blahblah has sent you a message: "I miss you".

Unfortunatley, facebook doesn't keep emailing the whole conversation, so his reply and the ensuing conversation is something I'm not likely to know unless I hack into his facebook, for which I don't have the passport.

Only way I can do this is to get facebook to send him a new password to his email (which I will use once, then delete all sign of). I could then read that conversation.

However, when he tries to log in to facebook again he wouldn't be able to.

What to do :( confront him and admit I have his email password? check facebook?

Feeling... sick. actually.

OP posts:
LadySybilDeChocolate · 22/02/2012 21:20

You need to speak to him, not hack into his emails or facebook account.

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/02/2012 21:20

I'd go for it.

You've already opened pandoras box and leaving it half done and basing your suspicions on guess work will drive you mad.

However, you must be prepared to confront him with this. You cannot go back and pretend that you never found any of this. Everything will change.

Be warned though, I did this and found out that ex-DP was sleeping with prostitutes.

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 22/02/2012 21:21

You have enough 'evidence' to confront him, why go and do the Facebook thing?

Just confront him, you're in shit anyway as you've accessed his personal emails and either way you will have to admit to invading his private communications in order to tell him that you know.

YABU to access his FB account.

YWNBU to ask him outright what's going on.

HWNBU to go mad at you for going through his emails.

Who knows what's going on - if you suspect he's cheating, what is your next step?

Not a great situation to be in but please don't make it worse for yourself.

Tryharder · 22/02/2012 21:21

I would probably hack into his FB account. Although it's wrong to do so, admittedly.

Things don't look good though from what you have described.

Iggly · 22/02/2012 21:22

YABU

Ask him outright.

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/02/2012 21:22

If she does the facebook thing she may get the truth. It's rare to get that from the horse's mouth in this situation.

TheSecondComing · 22/02/2012 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon · 22/02/2012 21:25

YABU

Uncertainty is one of the hardest things we have to deal with but forcing an issue with under hand tactics is not the way forward. Try to do as you would be done by in all situations- at least you will be able to exit the relationship with dignity or continue it with integrity.

Buggerit · 22/02/2012 21:25

Ooh dear this is a slippery slope to travel. I do believe though that if you are going to make it as a couple you should be able to a) trust him, b) not have to check on him and c) if you have got a concern, be able to speak to him.

If you have no trust and are not able to talk about important things, are you sure it is right and you are ready to commit to him living with you?

As soon as you do start checking up on him you will find a whole heap of messages and conversations that were probably at the time innocent but you can so easily mis read, mis understand, not get the whole story and because it is so black and white, you may miss the humour/tone of a conversation.

be careful your next few moves could dictate your future.

INeverFinishAnythi · 22/02/2012 21:27

What ThisIsNotMyLife said. At least you'll know. If he'sinnocent deny all knowledge. You'll drive yourself nuts til you do. I also caught out my ex via facebook! (not the word ex!)
Hope it's not what you think OP, hugs if it is.

Nagoo · 22/02/2012 21:31

I wouldn't hack his account. Nothing good can come of that.

You need to think about what you want and how you feel and work from there. You need to talk to him about the lack of communication and how you feel about the relationship first.

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/02/2012 21:34

Erm no.

If he's cheated he needs to beg her to piss on him if he's on fire. No point doing the talking about it thing when one party has a wardobe full of skelatons rattling away in the background.

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 22/02/2012 21:34

My ex was so eager to prove how trustworthy he was that he gave me all his passwords (hotmail, facebook, ebay, everything!)

He was also rubbish with anything computer related. One day he asked me to go through and sort his hotmail and facebook messages out as he didn't know how to delete them and also sort out FB privacy as he hadn't realised his account was public (dipshit bitter and twisted )

So I did, and a name kept popping up over and over again. At one point he told her that he wished he was 'snuggling' with her right now. It was early on in our relationship, I'd gone on holiday.

I was very upset. I asked him who 'Joan Smith' was and he said "never heard of her, why?" at which point my entire world came crashing down drama queen I didn't need to say that I'd seen it on facebook, his answer proved that he had something to hide.

He dumped me a month later. In a fit of rage I accessed his hotmail, got his ex's email, sent her a long message detailing all the times he'd lied to her about their child/access while with me. Felt shit afterwards, revenge ain't that much to shout about Sad

THEN 'Joan Smith' contacted me via FB and to cut a long story short, we are now friends! He had actually dumped her for me and then kept her stringing along. Tosser.

So, when I say - don't make things worse for yourself. I speak from experience.

To me, you have enough evidence to confront him.

If you feel you can't confront him, as others have said, is this really a relationship you want to progress?

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 22/02/2012 21:39

Huge post, sorry Blush

troisgarcons · 22/02/2012 21:39

you dont need to "hack" .... if you dont trust him there is no relationship ...demean yourself by "spying" if you must .... but that says as much about you as him

ThisIsNotMyLife · 22/02/2012 21:41

I did it and found it incredibly liberating to find out that I'd been right all along and he had been essentially gaslighting me for a year at least. It restored my faith in my own sanity.

Good luck whatever you do, hang firm and stick to your guns. If he's cheated, your spying does not lose you the moral high ground. It's perfectly justified if he's cheated.

Original poster
feelingfaraway · 22/02/2012 21:42

Oh god, I don't know what to do.

I am scared to know that this is the end of the relationship, because if it does end, then we will continue to live in our separate far away countries and my son will not have his father.

But I can't even consider ignoring this :(

OP posts:
Nagoo · 22/02/2012 21:42

He doesn't know she has his password.

I'd still confront him about the 'distance' and not communicating. If she is not happy with the conversation then she still could 'hack' the account.

But I don't think that lowering yourself to hacking your partner's facebook is a way to start the conversation if you want to stay in the relationship.

DoMeDon · 22/02/2012 21:44

'If he's cheated he needs to beg her to piss on him if he's on fire.' Hmm

Alternatively respond appropriately and communicate like adults. People have affairs, that's life - it's not nice but not everything in life is - you can only get through happily if you manintain a level of self respect.

TheSecondComing · 22/02/2012 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 22/02/2012 21:45

What good would ignoring this do?

Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to, things that will cause us pain.

However, is this how you want your life to be for the next 40/50 years? Full of distrust and suspicion?

I know it's not easy, it is very hard but you owe it to your son to have a happy mum, not a mum who has such little faith in herself that she is willing to overlook a potential affair.

Not easy, crap situation to be in, but if you want things to improve you have to confront this.

This time next year, it won't be so hard - unless you've brushed it under the carpet were it will fester and cause much more harm.

:(

runningforthebusinheels · 22/02/2012 21:54

op I have to admit I would do it. The reason being that I would be desperate to know as much of the truth as I possibly could.

I know some people on here take a very dim view of the whole reading of e-mails/invasion of privacy thing, but, meh. I have read enough stories on the relationships board to know that the cheating partner often just denies everything, and comes up with some dubious semi-plausible story, often in the face of quite damning evidence. Once I has reasonable grounds for suspicion, I would want all the information I could get. Just so I would know what I was dealing with.

I have even heard it said on here that the checking the phone/email thing is as bad as the cheating "you are both as bad as each other" Shock I disagree with this totally.

theleanandhungrytype · 22/02/2012 22:02

how will you change the password? Send the link to his email then click it to change it, yeah? But next time he goes to login to his facebook he'll not be able to as the password he set will not work. How's he then not going to know he's been hacked? what if it is innocent?

Anyway if you are that untrusting of him, what's the point of the relatoionship regardless of what he says / doesn't say on FB?

DollyTwat · 22/02/2012 22:08

Fwiw I would do it
There's no turning back though once you have. You need to be ready to admit it if you have to in order to use the proof you obtain.
What do you have to lose?

greenbananas · 22/02/2012 22:16

I would probably hack. But that would be wrong, and I hope you are stronger than me. I know that hacking is not the best solution.

You are going through a horrible time and I feel for you so much.

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