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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hack into his facebook account

67 replies

feelingfaraway · 22/02/2012 21:17

The situation: currently living in different countries from my partner, father of my 2.5-yr-old DS. Plan always been that he comes here in June. Communication not easy, as he lives in a remote area. Relationship not fantastic anyway, possibly just been trying to keep it together for the sake of the family. Love each other, but not so much passion there these days. Have had surprisingly little communication from him in the last three weeks. Finally skyped today and it was a bit stilted, something seemed odd. Checked his emails (he doesn't know I have the password). Found a woman's phone number he's emailed himself, and a facebook notification from the a woman with the same name just saying Blahblah has sent you a message: "I miss you".

Unfortunatley, facebook doesn't keep emailing the whole conversation, so his reply and the ensuing conversation is something I'm not likely to know unless I hack into his facebook, for which I don't have the passport.

Only way I can do this is to get facebook to send him a new password to his email (which I will use once, then delete all sign of). I could then read that conversation.

However, when he tries to log in to facebook again he wouldn't be able to.

What to do :( confront him and admit I have his email password? check facebook?

Feeling... sick. actually.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 22/02/2012 22:18

I would look on his fb account. If you ask him, and he is up to no good, he will lie and he will also be more careful in covering his tracks and you will never get to the bottom of this.

You need to know before you commit to living together.

troisgarcons · 22/02/2012 22:19

You'd lose your seld respect by snooping ...rather than being strong and walking because the relationship isnt working.

but! hey! This is MN and you must do what you have to do.

spiderslegs · 22/02/2012 22:22

Don't do it - DO NOT DO IT - really - sexual jealousy is a horrible & powerful motivator but if you do this you will drive him further away, & if anything is going on you will give him a perfect excuse to say you are controlling & curtailing his freedom.

It won't end well.

If you don't do it & something is amiss you will still hold the moral ground.

If you do it & find things out then what?

If you do it & it's innocent - then what?

spiderslegs · 22/02/2012 22:26

Stop torturing yourself & speak to him.

Orbinator · 22/02/2012 22:32

Don't do it. The more you know the more you will torture yourself.

Speak to him and don't let on what you know until you have to and let him explain it all.

cbem · 22/02/2012 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

Original poster
feelingfaraway · 22/02/2012 22:47

I will talk to him, tell him that something feels wrong - the distance, the lack of communication, the feeling i got from our skype conversation. Give him the chance to say if there's something he wants to tell me.

But if he just says there's nothing wrong, then what?

It's not the strongest relationship. Probably we wouldn't still be together if not for our DS. But I thought we were going to try to make it work.Maybe I should just cut the ties anway, but then I'd feel forever guilty about taking his son away from him. I don't want to feel that either.

I will try not to hack his fb. If i do it will be obvious to him. I'd prefer to see if he'll tell me about it first.

:(

Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:
GavisconJunkie · 22/02/2012 22:51

in your position I'd do it TBH. I think wondering is eating you up & finding out he is cheating will help you decide how to proceed with the relationship.

However finding out he's not will cause problems, leave you feeling guilty & all the other issues you e mentioned will remain.

Tough one, but I personally couldn't NOT check. Asking is fine if there was mutual trust & respect in the recent past, but it doesn't sound like there has been.

YANBU

spiderslegs · 22/02/2012 22:56

You're not taking his son away though are you?

You live in different countries at the moment anyway - if he wants to see him, he will.

Don't be sad - you're doing the right thing - just speak to him - any further secret squirrel behaviour won't help & you know that. I think you've actually answered most of your own questions.

If he says there's nothing wrong - well? You know there is - if it's another woman or the relationship itself - you KNOW something's wrong.

You live apart so you know you can cope by yourself - there's a whole world out there (trite but true).

spiderslegs · 22/02/2012 22:57

Keep smiling, keep sane.

Orbinator · 22/02/2012 23:02

I say don't because I did. Found another woman asking him for dinner and Xmas in separate messages - unaware he had me and DD apparently. He kept saying it was platonic...long and short it proved nothing but that I couldn't be trusted.

Use your judgement more if poss. Sounds as though he's not around much to be hugely influential for your DS either way.

cerys74 · 22/02/2012 23:02

If you are feeling doubtful about his commitment to you and DS, then I'd suggest confronting him outright. Do you really want to have the sort of relationship where you spy on each other? I don't think it is a good way to proceed.

It must be horrible for you but please do think about the kind of relationship you want to have (with ANY man, really). I'll bet this sort of behaviour won't come into it anywhere.

Jux · 22/02/2012 23:05

If you have to go to these sort of lengths, then there's no real relationship is there? Face reality, end it. It's pointless.

Orbinator · 22/02/2012 23:09

I have to agree with the last two posters - I ended it soon after I spied on him. You get into a loop of not trusting them or believing what could be the truth.

He wasn't around much for my DD either but that actually made it easier, I think.

My life is a lot simpler now Grin. You can cope, you have done thus far.

bringbacksideburns · 22/02/2012 23:39

No YABU.

I wouldn't have read his E Mails either!
I'm often surprised by how many people read their partners phones, e mails, Facebook messages etc I can understand wanting to but that's usually because they know something is wrong to start with.

Just come out and ask him what's he up to.

mirai · 22/02/2012 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perceptionreality · 22/02/2012 23:48

I think you have the moral right to do it. If you confront him he will lie as much as he feels he can get away with.

spiderslegs · 23/02/2012 00:01

I don't think You have a moral right to snoop on anyone - you have a moral right to honesty - snooping is not moral - no matter what's going on. That view is cynical & breeds mistrust.

saladsandwich · 23/02/2012 00:03

my ex had spyware on my computer, it was an awful feeling to think he was going through my private messages, emails any website i went on weird man but i had my suuspicions about him cheating so after we split and he was putting me through hell i hacked his to see what he was putting about me on fb (vile stuff tbh), i'd had the password and email a long long time before i did it, it was a goo feeling to know my suspicions where correct after all the years he accused me and i'd not done a thing he was sleeping about all over.

i wouldnt do it to confront him with it

spiderslegs · 23/02/2012 00:04

You may as well say you have a moral right to snoop in my bank accounts.

spiderslegs · 23/02/2012 00:06

You see Salad - mutual fear & suspicion breeds contempt & vile behaviour.

runningforthebusinheels · 23/02/2012 00:09

I agree with spiderslegs that there is no moral right to snoop on anybody. And I completely agree that the moral high ground is gained/retained by not snooping.

But it's not the same as op snooping on your bank accounts, unless op has a personal relationship with you, and has grounds to suspect fraud, or money laundering or something.

I don't agree with 'spying' as a rule, but in this case I would argue that there are extenuating circumstances, in that there are already grounds for suspicion.

runningforthebusinheels · 23/02/2012 00:15

I admit I am a little uncomfortable with my own assertions here, I am willing to be talked out of it.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 23/02/2012 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spiderslegs · 23/02/2012 00:43

NO, NO , NO. snooping is never good - we all have a hinterland which is ours & if we can't have that - if that is investigated & rooted around in - WHAT DO WE HAVE?

We have to be allowed volition & privacy & really - you know this - people will stray with or without that gift - but they'll love you a lot more with it.

They will.