not to want to shoulder the burden of care for in-laws?

[gramercy]

Pil are 89 and mil has senile dementia. They are now needing a great deal of help, in spite of having carers four times a day. Fil phones up two or three times a day and he asks for one of us to go over all the time. We live an hour away.

Now, dh commutes to work 2 hours each way every day. He rarely sees the dcs as it is. Pil have always been more than off-hand with us - when they were in good health they barely spared us the time of day. And they have always been extremely mean.

Dh has two brothers who not only live nearer the pil than us, but also both work from home. They have managed to weasel their way out of doing anything by being purposely useless.

Now this morning arrives a letter saying dh is nominated as the contact for when the pil press their personal alarm buttons. This for me is approaching the last straw and I'm already rowing with dh and saying he must force his brothers to participate.

AIBU and mean-spirited, or am I right to put my foot down about dh and me having to do everything?

Do not worry about me! I can see we will be coming out the other side soonish. And you know, Dh only has one mother. I see holidays and carefree days out. And an annex I can turn into a study (after getting rid of the old lady smell of talc and wee). She asked me today to tell the "Kitchen" that lunch was a bit luke warm, and, in all honesty, she couldn't recommend this hotel to friends.

When she is not being a total pain in the arse, she can sit quietly for hours watching ITV3 (from which sometimes her mother sends messages from the television).

So I guess you won't be moving closer to MIL?

Oh, just wanted to make clear that, er, all her money was spent before on care, so it is our house, our money, etc, not hers. Just if you were wonnnndering...so there was no other motive than Dh's fear about her care, which, helpfully, the media feeds every second day. No wonder so many people are so negative about care homes.

We won't be moving anywhere! (Well, not near pil at any rate.)

Arf at her asking you to tell the "kitchen" that lunch was lukewarm and her mother sending messages via ITV3.

I know your dh only has one mother, but it's tough that by virtue of being at home you have to be in charge of her.

My parents are dead, and when they did die were frankly no trouble. I suppose I do feel a bit resentful that the pil - as always - are taking centre stage.

You are right to question the sanity of giving an alarm to someone with dementia. Whose silly idea was that?

Really, the only answer here for both the long term and even the short term is a care home, no matter how loud or occasionally lucid the MIL is. You should all be planning (well the DH and the brothers should) for this eventuality. She will not get better, as her Dr has pointed out to your FIL, and best to have the plans made in advance and not be caught unprepared when some crisis arises. The constant calls from your FIL indicate to me that he is actually crying out for help and knows deep down things are slipping away, that he and MIL can't handle independent life any more.

Until someone takes the emergency buttons away from them, the nearest brother should be the contact as long as he's not an international airline pilot or away a lot. Anything else is ridiculous. It's not a matter of fairness but practicality where the buttons are concerned.

Your DH and the brothers should insist that the parents let the cleaner do upstairs.

Thanks. Dh agreed at lunchtime that they really need to start looking at homes. So that's hopefully a step in the right direction.

I think the alarm has already been confiscated after mil pressed it 50 times on the first afternoon she had it! She thought it was like the buzzer she had in hospital and a poor old nurse would come running every time she pressed it. I pity the call centre. It's not long before anyone who comes into contact with mil has to be carted off with nervous exhaustion...

I think you are doing enough already and disagree that siblings can't be forced into taking responsibility. It is time for you to get together and discuss what you all feel is a reasonable solution and practical for all. If it means a residential home or unit the costs involved are the responsibility of all their children. It may seem uncaring to talk like this but imo necessary. I wish you all the best in the world at this trying time, and agree with the above. Dementia is a cruel disease. Also has anybody been made Power of Attorney, if you are unfamiliar with this you really do need to look at this as the last thing you need is the added complications that can arise from financial and personal decisions.

I agree about the power of attorney -- if the lazy brother won't do it someone else will have to. You will all face problems down the road if this isn't seen to asap. Don't stand on your dignity about this. It must be done.

Agreed. I will have to insist that dh tells his brother to do it. It's not as if his brother lacks expertise in this area or the means of accessing it - he just is trying to keep the whole business at arm's length.

The brother needs a short deadline, like ten days, to keep him focused. If it doesn't get done you will all be screwed (be prepared to have your DH end up doing it).

It might be easier if DH has power of attorney. Surely nowadays most discussions over care/money are done over the phone and letters/forms mailed or emailed. The one with power of attorney won't always be required to attend everything?

Or do I have this wrong?

But if decisions need to be made and financial arrangements set up then including a useless brother who doesn't want to be involved could be a nuisance. My eldest brother is arranged to have power of attorney for my DM when necessary but I can see he doesn't want the responsibility so it will end up him signing what I tell him to.