not to want to shoulder the burden of care for in-laws?

[gramercy]

Pil are 89 and mil has senile dementia. They are now needing a great deal of help, in spite of having carers four times a day. Fil phones up two or three times a day and he asks for one of us to go over all the time. We live an hour away.

Now, dh commutes to work 2 hours each way every day. He rarely sees the dcs as it is. Pil have always been more than off-hand with us - when they were in good health they barely spared us the time of day. And they have always been extremely mean.

Dh has two brothers who not only live nearer the pil than us, but also both work from home. They have managed to weasel their way out of doing anything by being purposely useless.

Now this morning arrives a letter saying dh is nominated as the contact for when the pil press their personal alarm buttons. This for me is approaching the last straw and I'm already rowing with dh and saying he must force his brothers to participate.

AIBU and mean-spirited, or am I right to put my foot down about dh and me having to do everything?

I would focus on that it is not fair for your inlaws to have to wait an hour-which could be the difference between life or death, if they press their alarm.
Also if they had a fall, would you be able to get them up?
Without being rude on your strength, I know when my granddad went down, my mum couldn't get him back up on her own.

Dh is of the opinion that I'm in loco parentis or whatever the appropriate term might be because he is away from the house all day

As well as being bollocks, this doesn't solve the basic issue which is that neither of you are close enough to respond in the case of an alarm being pressed. It's completely impractical for either of you to be the contact person.

Quite true, TheIllusiveShadow - dh's brother has in fact uttered those very words. He says he's not good with dealing with it and doesn't enjoy visiting. Well, I hardly think anyone thinks "Whoopeee!" but just gets on with it out of duty. In all honesty I don't think the pil inspire a great deal of affection even in their own children. As ye sew so shall ye reap and all that.

That's an idea about the Facebook. Dh has instituted a system of texting - he lets his brothers know what's going on. The particularly errant brother mostly doesn't reply, or says something like "Well done - keep it up" Grrrrrr.

There's also something called Dropbox that you can use to share correspondence that everyone needs to see. We used that when dealing with this situation with fil; mil was being a cow and so dh and dbil took on the power of attorney stuff, but as we are abroad and dbil in UK it was hard. Dropbox solved the problem of getting documents back and forth for us.

Slight update: mil has been pounding on her alarm like crazy (surely it's ridiculous to give an alarm to a person with dementia?), and because dh's mobile was turned off the call centre phoned his brother as the next on the list. He has texted dh in high dudgeon to say that he doesn't want to be a named person. So he is 20 minutes away, and refuses to respond, but it's ok for dh to leave work and travel 2.5 hours to see what's going on. Bizarre.

Dh is of the opinion that I'm in loco parentis or whatever the appropriate term might be because he is away from the house all day

Nice. So all three of their offspring have moved the responsibility onto your shoulders.....

I think that a meeting with the IL's local care team is in order. I'd get the IL's moved to a care home and see if you can have all three of their offspring named as contacts.

Something similar happened to us when my grandmother was old. Involving my Mother, her dil, taking on the whole share of day to day responsibility while my 3 uncles and their wives wouldn't even answer the phone when my Mum called. She kept telling them her dementia was getting worse and that she was probably having ministrokes but they just didn't want any bother.
In the end she had enough and laid it on the line- she wasn't doing any more and that that if they weren't willing to shoulder any responsibility then they would have to find her a home. They did in the end and actually it was much much better for my grandmother.
I think in your situation this is the only solution- you are too far away to be there for them on a daily basis so residential care is the only answer.
The alarm thing could go on for a while and your dh will probably get sick of being phoned constantly so it may come to a head sooner rather than later.
I feel for you- it's a horrible situation and so unfair.

Pardon, I have not read the whole thread, just the OP, but your DP is made the contact for a personal alarm, when he LIVES an hour away, and works 2 hours away from home (in a different direction?) so could be up to 3 hours away if the alarm goes off - which would be because immediate help is required, one would have thought?

Sorry, have I got that wrong? Perhaps the DBros need to understand that fact alone. If they cannot react within a more immediate timeframe than 3 hours (which your post implies they could), then as a family, they will have to arrange other more suitable responders to be attached to the alarm. Which may require paying a service locally to the PILs.

Sorry, it sounds daft (and yes, I have similar issues going on with my gran and her children,,,,I try to stay out, but I recently found my name is on the emergency contacts list and I was given a key to the new locks)

If neither son wants to take responsibility and help, and all three are shifting the responsibility to you, why not consider a care home?

Because if it is to cut costs, then bear in mind that the person allowing them to save the money, in in actual fact you.....

I send you my sincere sympathies OP. I am the main carer for my MIL who has dementia and is currently going downhill at the mo. She is going through a phase of "needing a Dr" most days and I get quite worrying phone calls from her on a fairly constant basis. Luckily, if I am not at work I am 5 mins away but it is VERY hard and I agree that it is not a good idea for you to be the nominated people if you live that far away. Also your PIL might start doing this on a fairly regular basis and then you would have to decide whether you needed to attend or not.

I think you are absolutely right in wanting other family members to take a share of the burden. In our case there IS no one else so that makes it a bit simpler! I would have another meeting if I were you to reiterate your point. I hope it goes well OP.

I would be taking a hard line on this and refusing to have anything to do with it. They are not your parents and it is not on for both your husband and his brothers to dump the responsibility on to you. If you refuse to engage, then your dh will have to make his brothers step up, unless he is willing to continue driving for 2 hours every time the alarm goes off.

I would also look into care homes.

I think I might be viewing this differently if your IL's had been closer to you all when they were younger and healthier, but it seems quite often that people do their own thing and are 'hands off' when they are fit and well, then expect the world to revolve around them when that changes and they get old.

I am very much 'reap as you sow', I'm afraid.

I have a similar situation, both in laws in separate care homes, both with dementia.
We set up a dedicated email account for my DH and his siblings - 1 in USA, the other 2 a lot further away than us. It drove us nuts, as the DB in USA kept suggesting things for us to do, in addition to everything we were/are already doing for in laws.

Agree care home is the way forward, it gives great peace of mind to know that they are being cared for and caring staff are on hand to deal with falls etc.

The brothers have been more than honest with you. They don't want to look after them and they are not going to. Your only choices are to do everything yourself or use a care home.

So, this means that if your DH does not want to either, he cannot ask that YOU do something that neither he nor his brothers are willing to do.

I don't know why you hesitate over care homes or is FIL against this. Perhaps FIL would be happier with MIL in a home. My mother is in a great home (however if you asked her she would say she would love to be back in her own home - by that she means back in her home when she was capable of walking to the loo, making a cup or tea etc none of which she can do now). There are many demented inmates residents where she is and they muddle along together from what I see. Carers are cheery and chatty.

In our family it is the same - some siblings do alot, some do hardly anything and only if it suits them. Don't think BILs will change.

Have you visited any care homes? You might be pleasantly surprised.

What do social workers say - they might need to recommend a care home to get it funded by them.

I would definitely take a step back. My mother became frail at the same time as my MIL making it easy for me to leave her issues to inlaws.

My mother is also in a care home. It is a good care home. But she also wants to go home. The problem with this is that
a) she does not realize that she has dementia and is in need of care, she just cant handle life "at home".
b) "home" for her is the home she shared with her parents and siblings, and this does naturally not exist any more.

My dad is capable of living on his own now, more than a year on. (Despite being paralyzed and in a wheelchair after a stroke 10 years ago).

My mum got so bad I had to take her for sectioning. The psychiatric nurse told me that very often in elderly couples where one of them has dementia, there is a very strange symbiosis or co dependency going on. It has developed over years, where the non-demented party will play down the illness and help cover up. They stick their head in the sand and say there is really no need for help, carehomes are out of the question, etc. Once the demented party is removed from the equation, and the other spouse get a few good nights of sleep and time to reflect, they start realizing just how bad things had been. They usually regret not getting more help sooner.

That does sound like my in-laws, Quintessentailly. Fil has been caring for mil for some time and finally he couldn't cope any more and she was admitted to hospital. She is back out now but is creating merry hell.

The social services have recommended that mil enters a home, but as mil still has her lucid moments and a very loud voice, I just can't see that happening. Sadly fil remains convinced that "she is going to get better". The GP told him quite bluntly the other day that she won't and she will only get worse. Fil has the idea that mil will revert back to her old self and that they can go off on a cruise.

They're not your parents, no way should you be picking up all the slack because their 3 actual children won't/can't look after them. Refuse. Suggest a care home. You've been more than kind and lovely. Time your DH and his brothers put proper care in place for their parents.

YANBU, but I don't think your husbands brothers are either

If the pil's have always been 'hands off' and 'extremely mean' to them too then I can sort of understand why they don't feel the need to go out of their way for them now

I think it's so hard to judge on threads like this what the right thing to do it, it depends so much on family dynamics, and I think people forget that not everyone is close to their families

I have taken on care of family members, and there are others for whom I would do anything within my power to help. There are however others who have treated me so badly that I wouldn't feel the need to lift a finger to help

I think it's understandable that your DH wants to help, but I think it's very unfair to shift the responsibility onto you, would he do the same if the roles were reversed I wonder?

Oh OP, do NOT even think about moving house to be closer! Get the appropriate authorities involved. Explain to Dh that you are too busy (if not busy enough, get busier).

Do not slowly fall into my situation.

Dh only child. My parents in NZ. His widowed mother has Alzheimers. 89 and diagnosed 3 years ago. Middle stage of the disease. He refused to put her in a home and she lives in an annex but has to come through the house to use bathroom, etc. I cook all her food, clean her clothes and carers come twice a day for hygiene. Six months ago she went into nappies. Most do. Today she stuffed two soiled nappies down behind a radiator in the loo. Can you imagine the smell as they heated up?

Have three Dcs under 10. They hate (ds10 and dd4) these strange people, the carers, walking through our home twice a day. I hate it too. Your home becomes, in official speak, the "setting" in which care is administered. Some carers are great, some competent, and some, er, not so good. Day in, day out it is a violation of our privacy as a family.

Don't try to be nice and think ahead about what you want. By the way, MIL put her own mother in a home the minute she had a minor stroke.

Three words spring to mind. They are not a policy statement, just a random thought. Logans Run. Carosel.

OP, it may sound harsh but it's not your problem. Just stop agonising about it - if you refuse to engage, you will find that your DH and his siblings will sort something out.

Kate, now that your mil has deteriorated, will your dh not consider a care home? It's really not fair on you and your kids, especially as your mil wasn't the type to make sacrifices herself, to look after her own mother.

FarSide is right - if you refuse to engage (including not answering your phone on this topic, or if you do, put it down quickly) their actual children will have to deal with it. Imagine if you were not married to your dh, they would still have to deal with it.

I cannot stress enough that if you personally do not want to be dealing with carers and discussing the finer points of how many times a day your MIL needs her bottom wiped (and with what and then how you make sure the MIL doesn't wash her face with same), how often she needs her toenails clipped (I kid you not) do not engage.

In addition, please think about the legal consequences, which passed me by until it was too late. If you start to take responsibility for a vulnerable person, in the legal and statutory sense by having your name attached to her care, who do you think might be responsible if there is some sort of accident? If you are providing care, although live out, is it sufficient to protect the vulnerable person? If not, don't. Do you want an elderly care social worker on the phone asking you to explain why your MIL is in a state? Does your Dh?

I know you are being kind (I remember vaguely being like that once..) but really its not worth it. My MIL thinks I'm staff. This morning she is trying to escape "home" to her mother (dead 25 years but she still managed to telephone and tell MIL to come home for lunch).

I think Dh will only consider a care home when she gets around to smearing faeces on the walls or loses the ability to walk. For some reason he thinks all care homes kill off old people. My view is that they are, er, old and that is what happens.

Sorry to sound harsh, but the reality is not about a little kindness.

Gosh, I feel really sorry for you kate2mum. Your situation sounds horrendous. And the point is that it is not your mum. I think if I were you I would suggest to your dh that you need a Big Talk about mil's situation and, indeed, your own and that of your dcs. I've read that the time to start looking at care homes is six months before you think you need one, as the situation can suddenly escalate.