not to want to shoulder the burden of care for in-laws?

[gramercy]

Pil are 89 and mil has senile dementia. They are now needing a great deal of help, in spite of having carers four times a day. Fil phones up two or three times a day and he asks for one of us to go over all the time. We live an hour away.

Now, dh commutes to work 2 hours each way every day. He rarely sees the dcs as it is. Pil have always been more than off-hand with us - when they were in good health they barely spared us the time of day. And they have always been extremely mean.

Dh has two brothers who not only live nearer the pil than us, but also both work from home. They have managed to weasel their way out of doing anything by being purposely useless.

Now this morning arrives a letter saying dh is nominated as the contact for when the pil press their personal alarm buttons. This for me is approaching the last straw and I'm already rowing with dh and saying he must force his brothers to participate.

AIBU and mean-spirited, or am I right to put my foot down about dh and me having to do everything?

Hi Gramercy, time for a family meeting I think! YOu need to put some sort of formal support for PILs in place. Perhaps 3 brothers taking turns to stay over at weekends or something. If they won't man up then, as hard as it seems - I think you need to suck it up, take control and consider moving them nearer to you (yikes I'm sorry) or perhaps finding a residential hoime near you where you can visit but where they will be cared for - knowing nothing of your circumstances, do they have a house that could be sold to pay for this?
I feel your pain, my father has had a stroke and needs a lot of care but I have wonderful siblings who fall over themselves to help and we have a rota of care. We also cared for an elderly uncle who died of lung cancer - he was a difficult character, a batchelor all his life - it was an intense time but I'm so glad we did it.

If the nearer siblings aren't interested in going over, you need to look at residential care near you. Best thing my mum ever did was move her elderly parents 5 hours south to a care home on her road. Everyone told her it was selfish to move them so far from their 'home' but the reality was they went from seeing nobody but carers now and then to having a visitor every day, even if only for half an hour, and safety if she couldn't respond instantly.

The nominated contact should be a neighbour I think - someone who can get there very quickly. At least when my grandmother had an alarm like that there was more than one nominated contact and they all lived within 5 mins, as there needed to be alternatives so that somebody was able to get to her fairly rapidly in case she had fallen or similar.

In the longer term yes the brothers should play an equal role - can all 3 brothers be forced to get together and discuss it? As they have never been especially pleasant to you it is harsh that you are being expected to shoulder their care, esp if circumstances mean it is more you than your DH!

No YANBU.
It doesn't make sense for you to be the first contact if you live further away.
Care should be spilt equally between the siblings. However in my experience (in the case on my Gran and DH Nan) this doesn't happen very often.
My DM nursed her Mum at our home after a fall until she eventually died. Most of her 8 siblings did not help, but when visiting expected to waited in hand and foot!
My FIL does the majority of running around after his mother as he lives closest. His sister doesn't do as much. It causes a lot of resentment from MIL.

Would they be better off in a residential home?

No YANBU if you live an hour away and he has other siblings who live nearby!

I agree it's time for a family meeting. The responsibilty needs to be shared out more. My DH went through all this and there is always a sibling who does less than everyone else but it is very hard for everyone and will get harder.

Is there not a community service for people pressing alarms? Here the council employs people who respond to alarms. A relative 2 hours away sounds mad. You don't have to do anything as your husband is the contact. he will soon get fed up of trying to sort things out if you refuse to do all his work for him. This is an unworkable arrangement. The inlaws either move into res care, preferably nearer you or you refuse to answer call buttons. If he gets chest pain and presses his alarm button leaving it for 2 hours for your husband to get there is a mad idea.

Do not even think about moving vulnerable, fragile, elderly people with Dementia anywhere but a carehome. A move will seriously disorient them, as they rely on routine, and the familiarity of their home to cope. The Dementia will worsen after a move. And do not think about moving closer. Your inlaws have other children, and they must be responsible and share the burden.
Your dh should say no to being to contact, because he lives too far away for this to be practical.

How do you know that the other two sons have weaseled their way out and are generally useless? Who has told you this?

You need to have a family meeting where you decide who does what. I would not be surprised if the siblings who are living nearer feel the burden much harder than you, and are not coping. They might even be pissed off that they do so much, and you dont. The account from a person with dementia is not necessarily truthful, so if fil is complaining that he never sees his other sons, and they dont help, this might not be the case. He might have forgotten, or he might play down the help they give, in order to make you provide more.

Yanbu

I don't think you should focus too much on the personal alarm contact thing, but that depends on how the system works. My grans one goes contacts an ambulance and then contacts my Mum, so if something serious enough happened that would mean your PILs needed an ambulance, I assume your dh would want to know. He could always then contact his brothers himself if they would be abe to get there quicker.

YANBU about the rest of it. Your PILs could be this needy for a long time, by which time your dc's childhood could have passed him by. He does need to support his parents, but not to the detriment of his own family. And the brothers definatly need to step up and do more. Maybe other people (professionals) involved in your PILs care could talk to them?

You can't force the other brothers to participate. often families have very different ideas of how frail parents should be looked after. Some relatives will want to save money and do stuff themselves, other relatives will want to pay for services. Social work do manage when elderly people have no younger relatives. All the brothers have to decide how much they are willing to contribute and then tell this to social work so any deficit is covered by home carers. 1 brother doing more because the other 2 choose to do nothing is daft. If he did nothing as well someone would get them the services they need.
I'm not suggesting he does do nothing but he needs to have a discussion with the social worker in charge of home care for his parents.

Thanks for replies.

We did have a family meeting a couple of weeks ago. Dh's elder brother has done a few things, but the other one is quite blunt and says "I don't like spending time with them - Mother's dementia is creepy." He was charged with sorting out their finances and power of attorney and attendance allowance since he didn't want to do visits, but now he has turned round and says he hasn't the time (yeah, right...) to do any of this so can dh or I do it.

The alarms, by the way, are the sort where the nominated person has to respond - that would be dh/me.

Can't you have social work responding to them? Having someone who "has" to respond based 2 hours away as your husband is is mad. This is a silly system. I would refuse to be a contact under those circumastances as it is more dangerous than not having an alarm.
Alarms for confused/frail people in our area when pressed go through to a social work ran call centre who can talk to the person pressing the alarm and find out what they need then send round carer/ambulance/GP/relative as required.

Ah I started a long post about a family meeting but see that it has not happened.

I think if you don't want to be lumbered with all the responsibility then you need to stand firm and refuse to take it on.

Social services have presumably been involved in sorting the original care package and it is clear that this now needs review.

I know many people think that residential homes are awful, but speaking as someone who works in one, I think that the right home can offer a wonderful place for someone to live. All their care and medical needs are fully met and more. But most importantly as this is not being done by family, the family have time to visit just to be with them, rather than to attend to care needs.

Good grief; personal alarms where the nominated person is over an hour away?! That isn't right, purely on a safety point of view! Something could go really quite wrong in that time. I would certainly put my foot down about that.

I also second the idea of looking into a care home; dementia patients need specialised care. My mum worked in a care home back in the 90's and I used to tag along with her quite often on baker days and whatnot. It did seem like a nice enough place, and the carers were all genuinely lovely people. I think you have to visit a fair few to find the right one, but in your case I think it's worth it.

You can always refuse to be the contact for the alarms and, if your dh's brothers are considerably nearer it would make more sense for them to be nominated.

Unfortunately, when my lovely MIL needed a personal alarm the contact had to be next of kin which was either dp or his brother - both being nearly 300 miles away. So we just coped with phone calls from the carers who couldn't get her to answer the door (usually because she was listening to the radio!) and directed them to the house manager of her retirement apartment block. But it was very frustrating to realise how powerless we were given the distance.

It's not a perfect system by any means and I'd be inclined to investigate whether a more sensible arrangement that routes calls through an agency that can actually do something quickly can be sorted.

I'm another person who thinks that you'll need a family meeting to discuss this particular issue. Your dh's brothers need to understand that they've got to take some responsibility for their parents and this is one area where proximity is important.

having had similar situation in our family although I was not directly dealing with it I would second if no one else is helping to move them to a residential home nearer to you. would also agree that you cannot rely on PIL's accounts of what is or isn't happening.

the last thing you want to commit to is being responsible for day to day and emergency care from an hour away. It won't work and will destroy all of you.

I seem to be the only one saying this, but they're not your parents. You don't seem to like them much. Why do you feel anything is your responsibility?

Don't enable the sons in their hands-off attitude. They'll leave it all to you, if you're prepared to pick up the baton here. If you do have a family meeting, you've got to be prepared to say no.

I agree that they're not my parents. I always talk to fil on the phone, and last week went and changed all the beds, cleaned, did the washing etc. (They have a cleaner but don't like to ask her to do things upstairs .)

Dh is of the opinion that I'm in loco parentis or whatever the appropriate term might be because he is away from the house all day. Well, that would be ok if his brothers/their wives did their share. Dh maintains that what his brothers do or don't do is irrelevant - we must support his parents.

What would he do if you worked as well? He should be asking you nicely to look after his parents, not expecting it. He sounds as selfish as his brothers. Caring isn't "women's work". If they have a cleaner I would insist that cleaning upstairs is part of their job. You doing it for them shouldn't be an option. You have to put your foot down over silly things like that and refuse to do household chores that can be done by someone nearer.

Gramercy I was in a similar situation caring for my Nan, she wanted to stay in her own home as she didn't have much time left and both my brother and I lived within driving distance. I felt the responsibility for her should be spilt between us but DB didn't want to do anything (other than the very occasional visit with flowers).

I didn't want to take on complete care, feeling we should share it, but in the end DB wouldn't do it so I had to, I couldn't do nothing so had to do everything.

To be honest I'm proud that I did, but she was my much loved Nan, I'm not sure how I'd have felt if was my much-unloved MIL!

YANBU You need to put your foot down with your DH. He can't demand that you do x when he's not prepared to put his foot down with his brothers when it's just as much their responsibility as his.

Scaredy I'd do it for my mum and my stepfather but I wouldn't do it for anyone else.

agree its time for a fzamily meeting THIS WEEKEND

Mother's dementia is creepy. - my Uncle said that and instead of dealing with it let the responsibility pass to others.

Dementia is a cruel disease and as witnesses we all find it creepy, exhausting, upsetting, frustrating and draining. It will, in the short term, 'tarnish your memories' so don't let any 'I prefer to remember her the way she was' crap go unchallenged, we all feel like that.

In these days of modern technology etc, so that everyone is in the loop, brothers, sister in laws etc, would a secure, dedicated facebook page work?
That way everyone can post/read what's going on , links to support sites, possible care homes etc, progress with finances etc.
Comments on how they are, how upset you were etc. so the burden is shared around.

I understand you totally. I had similar with my Grandad. My uncle who lives ages away came over and he kept ringing me all the time to help despite knowing I work full time and have young kids and a house of my own to run whilst other family members with no such comittments breezed in and out occasionally. Of course I didnt begrudged it as I loved the bones of my Grandad god rest his soul but it can get very draining and stressful.
My MIL also had similar with her elderly parents whilst there were other siblings who did the bare minimum to help. Family meeting, delegating tasks and visit times is essential.