To think someone needs to stop my MIL now!

[vix1980]

sorry this is a MIL thread, but im currently 23 wks pregnant, so far i've had to endure her wanting to come to both scans (i said no to both), she then demanded a picture, got one for her from the 2nd scan, she lost it within a week after taking it to the pub to show off. She says she will stop drinking and smoking, both she does to excess (she gets through 2 bottles of cider a night, then whatever else she finds). When i told her i had SPD she said theres no such thing and the baby was just lying on a nerve!

a few weeks ago she rang me up to say she had seen a cot for sale on the kiddicare website (id already showed her the cot i had picked but thought it cant hurt to look). so i look at this cot shes seen it was £29 and when i looked into it further it was only a travel cot, i rang her back to tell her this and she said "well ive already bought it now, if you dont want it ill just leave it here for the nursery". this didnt register at all until id put the phone down and started wondering why she was having a nursery??

so fast forward to Saturday and dp was on the phone talking to his friend who is also expecting, i overheard them talking about prams and he said oh send over a picture of it cos i know my mum wants to get one too, i was literally speechless at hearing this. and asked him what he was on about, he said his mum had mentioned having a pram of her own for when she has the baby.

so she now has her spare room decorated as a nursery, cot and wardrobe all put up, and now shes searching for prams.... am i alone in thinking this is weird? dp says oh let her get on with it, shes also announced to us that she will be having the baby 1 day a week and it can stay over too, how nice of her to think like that and im sure ill appreciate some quiet time but surely i say when the baby goes and stays? im wondering what the hell ive got myself into now!

The utter cow for wanting to be involved!

That said, the drinking/smoking would bother me.

No no its good! And vv normal. Of course you say where baby goes and stays, you don't have to send the baby to stay, but it's nice she wants to be involved. It'll probably save you a fortune in nursery fees as well...

My parents have a room with bunks and a cot, there is a buggy ther and and high hair and my mum permanently has car seats in her car..mil and fil have stuff too. It's nice! And normal!

Otoh they are not alcoholics and don't smoke. It wouldn't seem as nice if they did.

With the exception of drinking my MIL was pretty similar, insisting I didnt use disposable nappies went on and on about having baby when it was born, what milk I would use etc etc etc - sum total of baby sitting for both my children when they were little.... 2 days.
She pushed each of them round to her friends to show them off then BOTH times called me when they started crying! When DD was 18months she had her one afternoon as I was in hospital with my very ill nan. She told everyone for weeks and weeks how she helped me out and how I couldnt cope without her. My husband picked dd up after 3 hours - ds was with his other grandparents!!

Its likely all bluster, once she realises the impact on her social life .....

BUT -she is your babys nanna!! She is in all likelyhood excited, dont take that away from her because you dont know if you can trust her with her drinking or to not smoke around the baby. Just gently remind her no smoking in the house near baby and try to get her on board with your way of doing things. You will have to suck it up a bit, even if you dont want to or it will ruin your happiness.

...and breathe! Seriously, relax - you are only 23 wks and she is excited! Of course you will be in charge of where/when the baby visits (if at all) but for now just let her get on with it as it is not really doing any harm is it? You will be absolutely be pleased to have some help once your LO arrives and to have someone who is eager to help is a great blessing - I am sure you have read the threads bemoaning the lack of grandparental interest and help. BUT the drinking and smoking have to be dramatically curbed, natch.

My mil has a nursery for my DCs (8m and 23m). And her own double buggy. It's really handy. She has the DCs 3 days a week and also one night overnight. It makes things so much easier for both of us. My MIL does smoke which bothers me a little bit. She doesn't smoke around DCs and avoids picking them up for a while after a ciggie.

No YANBU at all. My MIL did similar and it made me uncomfortable. She kept hinting at my leaving the baby there overnight...not something I would EVER do with a new baby.

If I were you I would make it clear now that she will not be having the baby overnight and you will not be leaving the baby with her until it is at least three. If you don't want to do that then you don't have to....

I sympathise whilst its nice excitement I have had to put the comment that my mil has had her children a couple of times. I ignore most things aS was getting to stressed. My mil will be similar to above poster will be different story once baby arrives and social activities are restricted! Tbh I rarely get asked how I am doing but could recite backwards both of her pregnancies and labours to the final detail! Just breathe !

three !

I know where you are coming from. At this time, when a (especially) first pregnancy is so very exciting for you, it can seem a major downer when the MIL seemingly takes over. And she does sound quite overbearing!! I'd let it go for now, let her buy and decorate and go nuts but when the baby is born, you'll need to assert yourself and set some ground rules. Doesn't need to be harsh, but thus is your baby and how to bring it up is yours and DHs decision. Of course, later on, the baby can stay with MIL, and even overnight (but that won't be for a wee while, believe me!) and having a pushchair etc there will save time and effort.

Granny hormones seem to have got the better of her, and I don't think you are being ungrateful, it's just a clash of feelings that these are all things that you want control of. Perfectly normal!!

However, the drinking/ smoking does sound excessive. Maybe DH could have a word?

She sounds a little too enthusiastic and I completely understand your feelings.

However, my parents have a bedroom for the dcs which they decorated, got a travel cot to keep there, potty, bath toys, highchair, sippy cups and pastic plates etc. It makes it so much easier when we go stay and we can send the dcs to stay wihout us too.

MIL has done nothing. When we go stay we have to take absolutely everything with us, travel cot when they were younger, now we have to take an airbed and duvet. We have to remember to take plastic cups or hover around while the dcs use delicate glass tumblers (they use glass tumblers at home but normal ones not wafer thin ones!), we have to remember to take every little tiny thing and it is a royal pain in the arse. It is up to MIL of course, I'm not saying she has to get stuff but she expects us to stay on a very regular basis so you'd have thought the odd thing would have been bought by now given that she and her dh have 7 grandchildren between them.

The smoking would definitely bother me, you're not supposed to have regular contact with a baby up to an hour after smoking - so she'd have to not smoke all day (and drinking...presumably she doesn't do this during the day?)

Sleeping over is a personal thing, I haven't been away from DD for a night yet (she's 8 mo), but mostly that's because she's BF.

Otherwise it just sounds like you have an excited grandma to contend with - not such a bad thing at all!

Is it not your DP you need to talk to first if he's in with his mum's plans?

I mean, if he's assuming her having a nursery is normal, I'm not sure you can blame her. I think lots of excited grandparents would love to just keep buying stuff until they got the message to stop - it may be annoying but they do care!

Does your DP expect his mum will have a much more involved role than you do? Eg., do you think he's expecting she'll do some looking after the baby? Does he see her smoking/drinking as an issue that needs sorting out? I would, and then some, but he may be different and if you talk about it now, then when the baby is born you can refer back to that conversation and to what you and your DP agreed she'd do.

The smoking and drinkign would bother me.... but my muma nd MIL had things at their houses when my DCs were little (my mum still does for neice and nephew), including travel cots, prams/buggies,high chairs etc

Awww mums and MIL's eh?

IMO.... u need to be firm from the beginning. You obviously don't have to be rude about it... but if it were me I would sit her down and tell her that I appreciate the fact she wants to be involved, and that is of course fine, but that I feel like she is taking over a bit too much. I would explain that I am happy for her to have the child stay over with her providing she isn't drinking, but that I would agree when it was convenient as opposed to being told !

Is it her first grandchild? If so, she is probably just extremely excited and honestly probably don't mean to tread on ur toes.

Luckily my parents and my in-laws don't interfere but are always in regular contact with my young DD and love seeing her. They NEVER question my parenting though as they know I will ask for advice when I want it. I think my DD's GP's know that both my DH and I would not tolerate any interference though as we both say it like it is! Lol... good luck ;-)

Btw, remember you don't have to use something just because she's bought it.

Obviously if she asks you or your DP 'now shall I buy a cot/pram/whatever' and you think it's highly unlikely you'll ever want to use it, you need to say so so she doesn't have to waste her money. But once you have said so, you're not under any obligation to use the stuff she buys. If she wants to have a room of her house decorated as a nursery just in case - that's her choice. You don't need to force her to redecorate, but equally the fact she's got a nursery doesn't mean you have to use it on a regular basis.

My SIL is the queen of this one - just just calmly and politely explains what she's going to do and does it, and if it fits in with what grandparents have insisted on buying she'll go with that (and they'll be happy), but if it doesn't she simply goes her own way.

Not having the baby until at least 3 ?!

Wow. OP my parents have highchairs, a pushchair , steriliser etc etc ..,

It makes life so much easier .

As does letting grandparents have your child overnight .
Remember they all need to bond too.
And you will still need to find time to nurture your relationship with DP .

I made a point of leaving my 2 overnight before the separation anxiety kicks in at around 7 months ...

When DD was 6 months we left her with grandparents and went to Paris for the weekend .

It was great for all concerned . And it set the wheels in motion for the next few years. It becomes a lot harder to leave them if you leave it too long .

I would just let your MIL carry on being excited.
My MIL doesn't even acknowledge my DC's existence ( literally ) . It is soul destroying .
You sound lucky IMHO.

If she is still an alcoholic when the baby is born then she won't be getting the baby to stay no matter how much stuff she buys. I would tell her this. If she wants to see her grandchild in the future unsupervised when he/she is older then she needs to stop drinking. Everything else is irrelevent.
Buying lots of stuff would only annoy me if I was struggling to afford the stuff I needed, then it seems stupid for her to have stuff you can't afford.
You can't stop it though. Just reiterate the no alcohol stuff. If she sticks on 2 bottles of cider a day she's not going to see her grandkids grow into adults anyway.
Your parner is more of a problem as he seems to be in denial about his mother's alcoholism and the fact she isn't a suitable person to be supervising a child. Is he a heavy drinker who doesn't realise 2 bottles of cider + a night is a sign of dependency? You need to discuss the situation. Where is FIL?

And breathe... I admit this would have worried me while I was pregnant. Now I agree with whoever said upthread that it is really useful to have all that stuff at parents' / pils' houses because then you don't have to lug it around everywhere each time you go to visit them.

BUT... I'd be seriously worried about 'having the baby 1 day a week and it can stay over too'. When does she think this will start? I still can't be away from 6mo DS for longer than two hours (partly as I'm BFing and partly as he's my pfb) so my mil (or anyone else!) would get a straight 'no' if she suggested having DS to herself for a day, let alone a day a week. My best friend keeps offering to have him for a day so I can relax. Now I know she's trying to be helpful, but that wouldn't help me relax. Instead, she comes round here and plays with DS while I sleep or get on with household chores.

I think you (or DH) need to be straight with MIL now that DC won't be staying with her for even half an hour until you feel ready - that may be at 6 weeks old, might be 6 months old, might be when s/he's 18, but, it's up to you.

I wouldn't leave a baby with an alcoholic or a smoker and she has no right to demand that the baby stays overnight. It's nice that she's excited and if she really does stop drinking and smoking (easier said than done) that would be great, but it's up to you where the baby stays.

My mum insisted on having a highchair 'of her own' and a pram, beds etc. We lived with her. She literally set up an alternative stash of her own crap stuff she had chosen. It's a GP thing rather than a belief that they will be sole carers I think. I did lol when my sister came to stay with her little ones though because she was then obliged to used the relic pram mum scavenged from somewhere that we nicknamed 'the boneshaker'. Now we've moved out, it is useful and has meant we can have impromptu sleepovers (the whole family) because we know everything the DCs could possibly need in a lifetime is in a cupboard somewhere. Clothing, crockery, bedding, books, videos, towels, toys, you get the picture...It's a sign she cares.

MIL recently asked when the DDs would be old enough to spend the whole summer abroad with her without me or DH! Not happening.

It never ceases to amaze me here on how precious some people really are. A MIL who wants to be involved? Wants to come to scans? Wants baby equipment at her own house? How on earth is that being "overinvolved"!!! I would think it would be a different kettle of fish if it was the womans own Mother, not so many people woudl be saying its being overinvovled then!

The babys not even here yet and the impression I get is that some posters have this woman down as a trouble maker who will question the OPs decisions. Again the old stereotype of an interfering MIL raises its ugly head when as lots of posters have pointed out its perfectly normal to have a room and equipment for a baby at a Granparents home, I know my Mum did when DS1 was small.

But of course the alcohol is different and should be addressed.

vix1980, your MIL sounds like she is excited and it is good that she wants to be involved. However, can totally understand that you find it uncomfortable that she is dictating when the baby will come to stay etc.

There is a very fine line between a helpful MIL/mum and one that completely takes over. You will be pleased to have MIL looking after baby to give you a break for a couple of hours but you will not want your baby staying away overnight from the moment it is born. You and DH just need to sit down with your MIL and explain that of course she can have baby overnight eventually but not until you have established a routine/are ready to let go. Obviously this will be longer if you are breast feeding.

My mum has a travel cot and buggy for when we stay so we don't have to cart them with us, that part seems sensible.

I would worry about the smoking and excessive drinking and would not be leaving my child overnight with someone who would drink like that every night as the likelihood is they would be drinking like that whilst caring for my child.

If she is capable and doesn't drink or smoke around baby then I would probably build up from supervised visits to leaving baby for an hour or two in the day, but not until baby was much older than newborn, say 6 months plus.

She is excited and wants to be involved, which is more than some GP's, give her a chance.