To think someone needs to stop my MIL now!

[vix1980]

sorry this is a MIL thread, but im currently 23 wks pregnant, so far i've had to endure her wanting to come to both scans (i said no to both), she then demanded a picture, got one for her from the 2nd scan, she lost it within a week after taking it to the pub to show off. She says she will stop drinking and smoking, both she does to excess (she gets through 2 bottles of cider a night, then whatever else she finds). When i told her i had SPD she said theres no such thing and the baby was just lying on a nerve!

a few weeks ago she rang me up to say she had seen a cot for sale on the kiddicare website (id already showed her the cot i had picked but thought it cant hurt to look). so i look at this cot shes seen it was £29 and when i looked into it further it was only a travel cot, i rang her back to tell her this and she said "well ive already bought it now, if you dont want it ill just leave it here for the nursery". this didnt register at all until id put the phone down and started wondering why she was having a nursery??

so fast forward to Saturday and dp was on the phone talking to his friend who is also expecting, i overheard them talking about prams and he said oh send over a picture of it cos i know my mum wants to get one too, i was literally speechless at hearing this. and asked him what he was on about, he said his mum had mentioned having a pram of her own for when she has the baby.

so she now has her spare room decorated as a nursery, cot and wardrobe all put up, and now shes searching for prams.... am i alone in thinking this is weird? dp says oh let her get on with it, shes also announced to us that she will be having the baby 1 day a week and it can stay over too, how nice of her to think like that and im sure ill appreciate some quiet time but surely i say when the baby goes and stays? im wondering what the hell ive got myself into now!

I wouldn't let my babies be looked after by someone who drinks to excess, which she clearly does. Let her waste her money whatever way she wants, but don't forget that you are going to be the main carer, so what you say goes. Hold on to your control, and remember that she cant do anything that you won't allow.

i think its weird. why does she need a whole nursery.

an i wouldn't dream of leaving a baby or any child of mine with an alcoholic.

the woman sounds unreliable and a bit sad tbh.

I think its a bit weird too. She's acting like its her having a baby.

Yes its nice that she wants to be involved and I'm sure your child will be very much loved. But I wouldn't want to leave my child with someone who was a heavy drinker and smoker.

Also its a bit presumptious of her to think she'll be having the child overnight once a week.

I'd say (tongue-in-cheek) think yourself lucky!!

I am one of 5 and all of us (except the youngest - my 24 year old Brother), have children and I think in the 11 years that they have been GParents, they have had one of the children to stay overnight no more than 4 times!!

My DD is 2.8 and has never ever spent a night away from home - how I would love to ask my DParents to have her for a night, but I just wouldn't. I'm sure they would agree, but out of 'duty' as opposed to because they want to.

Their view is that they've brought up 5 kids and they've done their bit.

I say all this lightly however because they are wonderful supportive parents and love all their GDCs very much, but they both still work full-time even though they're in their 60s and this is their time to live.

Anyway, apologies for going off on a tangent. I think it's lovely that your MIL is taking such an interest, but is possibly a little obsessive to decorate your spare room as a nursery... Also as someone else said, I wouldn't be letting my DC stay overnight with her if she continues to drink/smoke the amount that she does... That would need to change if my DC was there...

If it is over 2 litres of cider every night it's unlikely to change. So far it sounds as though this woman has casually mentioned stopping drinking and then just bought things. Stopping drinking is a major task for an alcoholic and if this woman was committed to this she'd be putting time and energy into that, not being consumer of the year.
The MIL is unlikely to stop drinking, the nursery will be unused. It is all a fantasy.

Why is it that when someone doesn't like their MIL, the MIL never 'asks' for anything....they always demand?

Like she said "I demand a scan pic, give me it now"

And did she really 'announce' that she'll be having your baby one night a week or did she offer?

The drinking and smoking...well obviously she mustn't smoke around the baby but can I just ask how you know how much cider she drinks every night if you don't live with her?

I too think she sounds over the top and controlling, if you allow her. You need to discuss with your DP just how involved he expects her to be and come to an agreement yourselves before you set some ground rules with your MIL. The heavy drinking and smoking sound like a big issue to me and really, I think you need to be sure she can control herself wrt smoking and drinking before you even think of letting her have your baby overnight (or at all if she's drinking to excess during the day). TBH, it sounds as if she has unrealistic expectations and does not realise just how hard and demanding it is looking after babies and young children properly.

The only other thing I will say... and this is regarding the smoking, as long as its not near the baby at all and leaves it a few mins at least before handling a child... using mouthwash etc is an idea.... then I fail to see why people won't leave their child with a smoker. I smoke... not around my child... doesn't make me any less of a parent, or less responsible. It doesn't make me lose inhibitions or put my child in a dangerous situation...

However, since having my daughter 15 months ago, I have been out on the piss maybe twice.... both times of which she was staying at a grandparents house .... I don't drink in the house, or at any time my daughter is around, and I wouldn't tolerate any one else doing it.

Well it´s presumptious of her-but it doesn´t mean that the baby has to stay over if you don´t want it to.

I'm surprised how many posters are saying "aw she's only excited".

My mil and dm have a cot, and highchair at their houses. My dm has what we used to have as babies, and mil has a travel cot and a chair booster seat we bought second hand.

However planning a nursery and talking about having the baby to stay 1 day a week is pushing boundries to me. If she said "I'd love to have the baby stay over sometimes, maybe one day a week" it's different to setting things up assuming you can.

The drinking would be enough for me to say "no way". I wouldn't want to leave them at any (child) age with someone with a high risk of getting drunk.

Both sets of grandparents have rooms that my children stay in. However, although they are THEIR rooms as in, they stay in the same room each time and have a few of our old toys in them, they certainly aren't all done out in the way that you have suggested! Indeed when they were babies it was just a case of a travel cot in the spare room. Your MIL does sound a bit OTT.

However, the drinking and smoking would be a big issue for me and it would mean that the room would not be used.

I think it's a weird feeling having someone who you may not have had much to do with and that you do not answer to suddenly having some sort of "claim", for want of a better word, over your child - I think it takes a while for everyone to work out how they fit in with each other as new parents, gps etc and to feel comfortable - some can go about it all the wrong way and cause resentment etc - it's a hard balance to find and some never do.

Def discuss with dp how you see it working etc to make sure you are both singing from the same hymn sheet.

Its not terribly weird. Obviously its up to you when or whether the baby goes to stay with anyone. Are you intending to breastfeed? That will be a nice easy excuse in the early days if so. Once the baby is nearing one you might just fancy the idea of a child free night and morning if you want to do a dinner party or something.

As long as you manage her expectations a bit.

My friend bought a Silvercross old fashioned navy and cream pram thingy with the massive wheels and did a nursery when her daughter and daughter in law were both expecting (they had their babies within weeks of each other). She was very excited. She sounded a bit bonkers when she said to me of the DIL "she better let me have that baby!" but actually she just wanted to drink in some of the baby fun. In the end her daughter wanted her to have her baby 3 days a week and she said "no way!" and yet she has the DIL's baby one day a week so there you go.

Go with it, but if she gets too bonkers you might want to manage her expectations. And she can buy whatever she likes for her own house, baby or not so I wouldn't get involved or too wound up about purchases.

YABU It is her grandchild and she is bound to be excited. I don't think it is unusual at all. She has after all spoken to her son about it all and it sounds like he is keen for her to be involved otherwise why would he have mentioned sending the pic over for the pram! It sounds to me like she has probably had a few conversations with him and he has encouraged involvement or certainly not discouraged it anyway. So how is she to know that you don't want her to look after the baby if her son has said its ok, she's not a mind reader! Think you probably need to have a word with your DP instead of getting all wound up unnecessarily by her, think you are being a bit unfair.

YANBU

There are two issues:

1. The assumption that you WILL want to leave a young baby with her. It doesn't matter what anyone on here says, if you aren't comfortable leaving your child 'til it's 3 or 13 it's up to you! Some posters will cry PFB, say your pathetic, sod them.

1. She's an alcoholic smoker. I wouldn't leave my child with an alcoholic smoker under any circumstance.

It is sweet that she's excited & wants to be involved, but you need to set firm boundaries now or it may well feel too overwhelming once the baby is here.

I think you need to discuss this with DH and establish some boundaries, ground rules, shared expectations. These can then be conveyed to his mum as appropriate.

We haven't had this problem with my MIL but my BIL and his wife did. When their DC1 was 3 days old she refused point blank to let them take him home with them. I was but they were young and felt they didn't really have a choice.

My MIL is now far too involved in their lives and whilst she is childcare on tap for them, which we don't benefit from, to me it seems like to big a price to pay for the involvement/say she has in their lives. She is the third parent in that family and it is causing problems.

Didn't want to read and run.

vix its not unheard of for gps to have baby equipment at their house. My mum has a travel cot, highchair, toys and a buggy and my mil has a buggy and highchair. It make life easier for me and means we can visit on the spur. My mil has a room she calls the babys room but also has a room she calls mine and my husbands. These rooms are her spare rooms and nothing to do with us so she can call them what she likes!

I have mil issues of a similar vein to others including her demanding to see ds, crying if unable to see him once a week, constantly asking when she can have her abroad for a week etc. He's 9 months and the answer is always when I am ready. Remember its your baby. When you and you partner are ready these things can happen but not before. Be polite if you disagree with something she's done don't sweat the small stuff or you'll go insane.

Trust me if she is an interfearing mil then this will not be the worst things that happen and she will probably calm down once baby is here! That said mine hasn't but I live in hope! Just stay calm and remember that you, baby and partner come first no one can take your baby away so you are in control even if it doesn't feel like it!

FolkGirl at MIL refusing to hand the baby back, and the parents letting her do this!

Vix- MIL buying stuff for the baby might turn out to be helpful if you do visit her, or if she looks after the baby- as long as all the equipment's safe and age-appropriate.

However, the alcoholism would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. There's no way I'd be leaving a drunk in charge of my baby. Nor would I want anyone smoking around my baby.

You don't have to allow her to look after the baby just because she's said so.

My parents accumulated baby items - a cot, highchair and so on - as my DC came along as occasionally they'd have the DC to stay over. It was very kind and thoughtful of them. They wouldn't have had a chance to use any of it if they got through 2 bottles of cider a night though, no matter what my DH said or wanted.

Hi thanks everyone for the messages, just to answer someones questions yes she did demand a photo from the scan, rang 3 times the day of the scan to make sure we'd got her 1, even questioned if we were getting my mum one in which case she better have one too!

and yes she did announce she would be having the baby 1 day a week, we'd just finished eating dp and fil went off into the living room which is when she asked me if i was going to breastfeed or not, i said yes i was and she was really down about it, saying how she'd never done it with her 3 kids, this conversation went on and she still goes on about how much ill hate it, she then said well dont worry ill have the baby 1 day a week anyway. I now wonder if the dont breastfeed thing is so the baby will be on bottles and she'll have no excuse to take the baby out. also i never said dp had agreed to her having the baby, dont know where someone got that from.

I think its good shes interested, when we went looking at prams we took her along we were in mamas and papas and she told anyone who'd listen that she only wanted a silver cross pram and thats what she was getting. i think its good that shes gone and got stuff though, what i thought was strange was decorating her eldest daughters room (whose at uni) into a nursery without even asking her, and i mean decorating it, rabbit stickers everywhere etc..we havent even plastered the room yet as the baby will be in our room for a while.

The drinking is my main bone of contention really, fil will come home from work have his tea made then hes off out the pub most nights leaving her alone which is when she drinks, i know for a fact she goes through 2 bottles of cider a night as she proudly likes to tell everyone, if we take her somewhere we always have to stop at an off licence on the way back, whisky is her other tipple, the whole family know about this and are sick of speaking to her about it, dp especially, his brother doesnt visit them much because of it and his sister is away anyway, i sometimes think shes extremely lonely so try to include her in things with my mum, but then i think well why doesnt her own husband take her out once in a while etc, the smoking i know she wouldnt do around the baby anyway so im not too worried about that, but it does worry me if i were to leave the baby she'd be fine all day put it to bed then start drinking which as much as she says she wont its been going on for over 15 years so i doubt shed give it up for 1 night. As someone else said theres gp excitment but when does it cross over into taking over everything. she already has paid her deposit on a silver cross pram for herself which i just find totally weird, yeah its her money etc but how many times will she actually use it i wonder??

I suspect she may well not want you to breastfeed if she wants the baby, however it will be a good defence against her taking too.

You don't know how you'll get on with breastfeeding until you try. You may love it, you may hate it. I know people who thought they'd love it and hated it and the other way round.

Could you use baby as a leverage to help her cut back her alcohol? Maybe it would provide an incentive if you said to her that she can't have the baby until she is not drinking so much/get help to stop drinking and manage it. (but only if you'd be happy following through)And don't take "well I won't drink that night" as an excuse. If you got the rest of the family to join in would she get defensive or take it as a challenge?

If the rest of the family have spoken to her about it, then there's a good likelihood that they will support you in saying she can't have the baby because of it, so she's not going to get sympathy/support from them.

OP you really only need one piece of advice: follow your instinct and let that dictate what you let your MIL do. Don't be swayed into doing anything against your instinct! When you've made up your mind about something, stick with it and don't give in.

It's great for grandparents to be involved with their grandchildren, but this is YOUR child, you will raise it YOUR way, and do what YOU feel comfortable doing.

Insisting on having a newborn 1 day a week, sleeping over nights if MIL has been drinking, putting pressure on you not to bf so that she can do some of the bottle feeds, etc. would raise lots of red flags with me. There's support and enthusiasm, and then there's ignorance and idiocy. Hers sounds more like the latter.

The time to tackle anything you are not happy about is now OP, and you need your DH on board too.

It's good that she wants to be involved with the baby but it can feel a bit like being railroaded when someone tells you what they plan to be doing with your baby, before it's born and without any sort of discussion about it.

The key is to talk things through, properly, first with your DH and then with her. You all need to be clear about what your roles are and what the ground rules are.

It is a fantastic help to have things like cots, prams and highchairs at the grandparents house if you think your baby will be spending a lot of time there.

But the drinking and smoking would ring a lot of alarm bells for me. I believe the risk of cot death increases in smoking households and is higher at weekends when people are more likely to have had a drink. Two bottles of cider a night sounds a lot.

Breastfeeding can be difficult for some people and if you want to succeed you will need support, so she needs to stop the negative comments about that and your DH has to support you too, and step in if she is critical.

You and your DH are going to have to sit down and have a clear discussion about this and decide together what you, as the parents, want to do for your child. When you are clear and agreed, you need to let both sets of grandparents know what you have decided upon and support each other against any opposition.

I think the biggest problem here, smoking and drinking aside, is that you, your DH and your MIL have all made assumptions about what will happen when the baby is born and you all seem to have different ideas about what that will be.

It's lovely that she wants to be as involved as possible but you and your DH are the ones who have to really decide what the two of you want and make it clear to everyone else. Your DP saying let her get on with it is not really going to help any of you. The two of you need to agree on what you want, before your DP finds himself caught between the two of you when the baby arrives and you both have different expectations of her involvement in his or her care.

It could be worse. I know someone whose mother, on finding out that she was to become a grandmother for the first time, started talking about cases where grandmothers have suddenly produced their own breast milk again when the grandchildren were born and then went out and bought a breast pump for herself so she could try and bring her milk back to feed the baby herself. That conversation did not end well.

I am truly astonished by the number of threads I see on here where ILs think its ok for them to have a tiny baby all day or over night away from their parents.

Its nice of them to volunteer for babysitting duties but a lot seem to think they're entitled to joint custody.

OP YANBU, regardless of people thinking it's "nice"... she sounds passive aggresive and if it makes you uncomfortable it's not ok. She should consult you before buying certain things. No grandparent has a right to see the grandchild, it's a privilege and if you don't want her to be involved as much as she would like then that's your prerogative