To think someone needs to stop my MIL now!

[vix1980]

sorry this is a MIL thread, but im currently 23 wks pregnant, so far i've had to endure her wanting to come to both scans (i said no to both), she then demanded a picture, got one for her from the 2nd scan, she lost it within a week after taking it to the pub to show off. She says she will stop drinking and smoking, both she does to excess (she gets through 2 bottles of cider a night, then whatever else she finds). When i told her i had SPD she said theres no such thing and the baby was just lying on a nerve!

a few weeks ago she rang me up to say she had seen a cot for sale on the kiddicare website (id already showed her the cot i had picked but thought it cant hurt to look). so i look at this cot shes seen it was £29 and when i looked into it further it was only a travel cot, i rang her back to tell her this and she said "well ive already bought it now, if you dont want it ill just leave it here for the nursery". this didnt register at all until id put the phone down and started wondering why she was having a nursery??

so fast forward to Saturday and dp was on the phone talking to his friend who is also expecting, i overheard them talking about prams and he said oh send over a picture of it cos i know my mum wants to get one too, i was literally speechless at hearing this. and asked him what he was on about, he said his mum had mentioned having a pram of her own for when she has the baby.

so she now has her spare room decorated as a nursery, cot and wardrobe all put up, and now shes searching for prams.... am i alone in thinking this is weird? dp says oh let her get on with it, shes also announced to us that she will be having the baby 1 day a week and it can stay over too, how nice of her to think like that and im sure ill appreciate some quiet time but surely i say when the baby goes and stays? im wondering what the hell ive got myself into now!

Another thing. When DS was born I thought something was wrong with me because I got stressed at being apart from him. Even if he was just in another room, with DH, I found it hard and upsetting to not have him in my sight.

I asked the midwife about it and she said it's quite a common reaction after giving birth. I thought it was because we had lost two other babies and I was reacting to my fears about losing DS, but she said even mothers who haven't lost a baby can go through it. I know some would say I was just being PFB but I don't think it was that either. But it was hard and upsetting and very real. It wasn't something I ever expected to feel or something I had heard of before, I really thought I must be ill in some way and not normal. She promised me that it was and that it wouldn't last forever and eventually it subsided but it was hard while it lasted.

I have promised myself that if/when I become a grandmother I will remember how I felt in those early days and try my very best not to expect or make assumptions or be hurt if DS and his partner don't immediately hand over their child to me the second it is born. Wish me luck with that one because I'm sure it's hard being the grandmother (especially the paternal grandmother) but those feelings were so real and awful that I don't want to be the one to make my future DIL go through the upset of that if she experiences the same thing.

I'm not saying you will feel that way, but if you do it will help if you have laid down some ground rules with the rest of the family before the birth.

Also let them know about visiting you when the baby is born. Everyone is different and it's lovely that people want to come and see you. But some people like to visit all day every day, or expect you to be up to visiting them before you are ready. Set the ground rules now, to send a text to check if it's okay and wait for your answer, or not to visit in the morning or evening etc, whatever you think will suit you, your DP and your baby. It's much easier to do this before you have the baby than fend of hordes of visitors who turn up unannounced at a time that doesn't suit you.

PIL can be a pain in the rump.
My fil has wanted to have a nursery at his house since dc was born. He bought a highchair, and has numerous toys at his house.
The fact is, we rarely go there to eat, maybe once every 3 months??? And never in my lifetime will dc ever ever spend a night there. I do not trust him or his wife to care for my child. They do not drink or smoke, but I do have my reasons for this.
As much as everyone is saying it's nice of your mil, it is presumptuous and rude and tactless. I didn't let my dc stay overnight anywhere until they were 9 months old. And then, it was because I had to stay in hospital.
Smoking and drinking excessively is a perfectly good reason to not let your mil have care of your child. I'd simply tell her she needs to stay sober 12 months solid before she can have your child unsupervised at all tbh.

It's really tough when GP's get overly excited, and although it's great they want to get involved - I totally understand where you're coming from!

At 23 weeks you may be emotional and when it comes to buying baby things - I'm guessing the excitement has just started for you and your DH? (we waited until 20 weeks to buy anything!)

It's great she's so interested in your child but she does sound quite overbearing. I also think that her buying a pram is daft as she really won't get that much use out of it and they are so expensive! If any use if you bf longer than six months as most babies grow out of the carrycot section by then.

I remember my IL's telling me (when I was pregnant) they'd be taking baby out so I could get on with my ironing and that they'd be having baby one day a week when I went back to work after Christmas. (Baby would have been a couple of months old by then and I had no intention of returning to work so early!)

As I hadnt even met my baby it made me feel like they wanted to take away the one thing I'd been waiting so long for and push me back to work as soon as possible. I know these probably sound great offers to most, but I was very emotional and it was the fact I was being TOLD not asked that bothered me.

I'm a walkover usually, but gently saying no to the things I'm not comfortable with seems to be working (for now! ) for me, and I think it's because I realise our baby, our rules. My DH is quite a strong character so this does help when dealing with the IL's as I feel I have to pussy foot around them whereas he just says it as it is - as you can to your own parents!

The drinking is very worrying though and I think you should discuss this with your DH. If she is proud of the fact - I think you can openly discuss it with him as she's obviously not keeping it a secret. You cannot let her look after your baby if she is drunk.

As for the nursery - maybe suggest she decorates it in an older boy/girl style as you doubt baby will be staying out much (if at all) in the early days.

Also, don't worry too much ... if you have a baby that screams all the time, I have a feeling the offers/interest may wane slightly!

Good luck x

Oh and at the MIL buying a breast pump! Puke! Is that for real?

Inertia - the worst thing was, it was Boxing Day too

YANBU
Tbh if this was me I wouldn't leave my baby unsupervised with her at all - never until the drinking reduced dramatically and the smoking stopped.
It's too much - a silver cross pram is way OTT price wise for many families let alone for the grandmothers sole use.
I think I'd reccomend she finds a hobby - a dog for instance!

Am I the only one who when my children have children is planning to have far more interesting things to do with my money than buy baby tat ?
Doesn't the industry make enough money out of parents without the grandparents feeling the need to kit out a nursery too ?

My own mother wouldn't entertain having a grandchild over night on the basis that if anything happened she would feel far too responsible for it's welfare.

And even if BF doesn't work out I would tell her you are, how will she know any different and it's a good excuse to leave the room if she's driving you crackers in the early days.

Here here Heswall! And I plan to spend my time with my GC's mothers too! Making them feel loved at the most overwhelming time of their lives and letting them know I love them just as much as their new bundle of joy and not like an incubator that has looked after MY grandchild for the last 9 (10!) months.

I just hope I remember what it feels like to be a new mother when I'm (hopefully) watching my grandchild grow in a beautiful heavy,painful! bump :)

My ILs very sweetly gave us some money to help with buying the essentials for our baby, who is due in a few weeks, which we really appreciated. We're pretty minimalist, and have only just got around the buying the most basic of basics (a bedside cot, little vests, cellular blankets) at 36/36 weeks, and he won't have a nursery at all, so I'm a bit flabbergasted at the OP's MIL going for a fully-stocked 'nursery' at 23 weeks.

If your FIL spends every night at the pub and your MIL stays at home and drinks 2 litres of cider they both sound like alcoholics. that really isn't normal behaviour. I see no point in your FIL taking MIL out if it's just to the pub. It doesn't sound as though they like each other much.
Does your boyfriend drink? I'd be concerned about the drinking habits of a man who grew up in this sort of household. Whether or not they drink during the day is irrelevent to me, if they drink large amounts of alcohol every evening their brains will be constantly fogged by alcohol. No alcoholic would look after my child. They both need to recognise they have problems and stop if they want to see their grandchild unsupervised.

My mum announced she was coming to all my scans and jumping in the car as soon as I went into labour, this didn't materialise (luckily). MIL asked a lot about having DD and they actually didn't have her for a whole day alone until she was a 1yo and from about 18mo overnight. I was BFing and DD didn't settle well at night, these were our only reasons as PIL are lovely.

In both cases, we just politely thanked them for their interest and moved the conversation along. I wasn't ready for DD to be away and there was actually no real need. We did say we'd call them if we needed a baby sitter. BFing worked really well for giving a handy reason for DD not staying for prolonged periods and we just did BLW with DD despite the comments from mum & MIL. In the end you just make your decisions as parents and do it regardless.

PIL have a cot, buggy, car seats, toys, high chair, feeding stuff, coats, shoes etc for DD. It's a bit OTT but I pick my battles. They spend their money how they like and it is useful now they do have DD. I'd let you MIL spend her money, she's an adult and it's up to her.

However, the drinking and smoking would be a no no for me and I'd probably be very blunt about it, particularly about the increased cot death rate. You need to have a proper chat with your DH too. Ultimately, you (and DH) will be organising childcare if you're going back to work so just organise it. We did (found a nice CM) and just sorted it out.

of course it's nice she wants to be involved but she shouldn't be dictating stuff to you. What kind of person says 'I'll be having your baby one day a week and overnight'? You need to tell her that's not going to happen if it's not what you want. If you can't then get your dh to do it.

My mum has my son one day a week but she doesn't have a nursery set up for him. she does have a spare pram though.

Breastfeeding is the answer.... that way your baby can't be away from you for a long period of time, certainly not overnight. Of course, the problem with that is your baby can't be away from you for a long period of time...

i have enthusiastic parents and our DS was their first grandchild. Mum was quite upset I was bf because she wanted teh bonding experience of feeding him. BUT she realised he was my baby, she tried hard not to be demanding, and it turned out we needed to mix feed and she got to do the odd bottle anway. They are great grandparents, if slightly overexcited still.

Please don't be pushed into something you're not comfortable with. Its your baby (and your DH's) and you will be the one with the postnatal raging hormones - you have instincts for a reason and you should follow them, whilst trying to be as polite as possible about a firm "no" to preserve family harmony, you should still say "no" if you feel "no". good luck!

oooh I hate that, the idea that you can only bond through feeding. Makes me itch.

:o @

MichaelaS Wed 22-Feb-12 19:25:48
Breastfeeding is the answer.... that way your baby can't be away from you for a long period of time, certainly not overnight. Of course, the problem with that is your baby can't be away from you for a long period of time...

Precisely. Mixed blessings, I went for it big time though, my MIL was furious that we couldn't get DD1 to take a bottle of expressed milk or formula, clearly I was engineering it so she couldn't steal her look after her for any length of time. FWIW we tried, and tried and tried. Her DD(twin 2) has a 6 month old who is also a bottle refusenik, ha! All of a sudden, that baby is a little monkey...(grrr)

As so many of us have pointed out, please discuss your MIL's involvement with your DP ASAP and set the ground rules with her before the baby comes. Now you have gone into more detail about the extent of the drinking, I don't really see how both of you could allow unsupervised access, especially over night. If the adult children don't want to visit much it speaks volumes.
I feel a little sorry for your MIL, as she sounds like a lonely lady who doesn't have much going on in her life, but that's not a good enough reason to let her have more access to your baby than you feel comfortable with.
Oh and I wish you all the best with bf :).

As has been written numerous times on MN, 'No' is a complete sentence.

Don't be afraid of standing up to her and doing what you feel comfortable with.
I would never have left my babies with anyone overnight. If your breastfeeding that will be impossible anyway, unnless your going to pump, but that sounds ridiculous - to pump just to let your MIL have your baby overnight.
I think it's nice that she's bought stuff for the baby but she can't expect you to agree to overnight stays because of it. You have to talk to your dp about this and get him on board.

Hi, im relieved to feel like im not being a total cow in feeling this way, i do get on with my in laws, as someone else pointed out i think mil is desperately lonely and that's what i meant about fil spending time with her, he leaves her alone most nights, her daughter has moved away both her sons have now moved out, there's really only me and dp who go and visit them as the other 2 live a while away. When we first told her we were expecting her immediate response was "oh il have someone to walk round the park with me now so i wont be alone" .

To be fair to her i love the way shes getting all excited and helping us out as i don't know where we'd be without both sets of parents help, but as i've never experienced this before i didn't know if setting up her own nursery was normal or not, i now think its completely not normal especially when the baby will not be staying there for a while. My mum didnt even bring up the subject of going shopping for anything until i was completely relaxed about the whole thing and i really appreciated that time to get to understand it and take it all in, whereas mil was straight on the phone to her sisters who i had ringing constantly saying oh she just wants to help, shes buying a highchair next week, which just made me more anxious as we weren't buying anything (and still haven't really!!). Her latest purchase was a car seat it was in the sale at morrisons - aged 3yrs plus....

as for the drinking, thankfully all her kids have turned off from drinking after seeing what its done to their parents, fil although he goes out a lot its more to socialise and will maybe have a pint and a half a night if that, mil will drink herself into oblivion for example she made us dinner 1 weekend, we ate at about 5 she had a bottle of cider in that time then had a whisky and lemonade then the same old stories came out and i knew it was time to go, by 7pm she was asleep on the couch rotten drunk and we went home. i feel for dp when he sees his mum like that its not nice to be around, but he says hes used to it, and is sick of trying to argue with her about it. she has tried to give up smoking by wearing patches etc and this is on going, its the drink she needs to stop though, i don't think she'd actually listen until the baby was here and we said to her we don't think your capable of looking after our baby while drinking, even if she did id still feel like id have to check up on her. whereas my own mum is tee total, would come round babysit in our house while we went out and i come feel relaxed knowing it was much safer for the baby, i don't want to feel like i'm pushing mil out that way though but i don't see it changing anytime soon.

Maybe, just maybe, your baby may be the incentive your MIL needs to address and seek help for her drinking. But she needs to start the process before the baby is born and prove she can be trusted before you can ever consider her having unsupervised access. I really think you and your DP need to tell her your thoughts and feelings in a kind but firm way as soon as you can, because her expectations are unrealistic right now. I wish you all the best.

She's got a serious alcohol problem. Cider is the favourite tipple of many an alcoholic as it's a lot of alcohol for the money.

However much she allows you to see her drinking it's entirely likely she's drinking even more in secret. I'd bet money that she's never properly sobering up before she starts drinking again. It's entirely possible you have never seen her properly sober.

It's also quite likely that if she were to stop she wouldn't just have a bit of a hangover, she'd have full-blown alcohol withdrawal symptoms. And, after so many years of being a drunk, she'll likely find it very difficult to stop.

You need your DP on-side on this and you both need to realise how serious her alcohol problems really are. I wouldn't trust her to be capable of looking after a goldfish let alone a baby. Al-Anon (the friends and family off-shoot of Alcoholics Anonymous) might be useful.

You can't leave a baby with someone who regularly drinks enough to pass out at 7pm! Regardless of whether you want a night off or not (and that's up to you, you don't have to), that is not at all acceptable. My daughter still hasn't spent a night away from me and she is five. When she was small she was breastfed and it wasn't really an option as she would never take a bottle. Since then, she's been able to talk and I've asked her if she'd like to stay the night with eg my aunt or PILs but she always says no. Recently she's started saying 'maybe when I'm bigger'. It's up to her. One day I'm sure she'll go and she'll have a great time. But there is no way I would even be entertaining the idea if any of the people who'd like to have her to stay for a night were alcoholics.

Agree completely that you cannot even consider leaving the baby with her overnight. Even if she says that she won't drink ( too much), she will. I say this with the experience of a DP who has sworn he will not drink when looking after 2 babies. I came home once to find him flaked out drunk with a pan burning dry on the cooker. Don't allow it. I would never ever hope that a baby will change an alcoholic's behaviour. Sadly it will not, but they may pretend it will.

TBH - if she's thinking of buying an expensive buggy, stop her by saying "it'll be easy to bring our one with us when we bring the baby over." beyond that, let her get whatever she likes, but agree with your DH that she won't be having the baby one day a week from new born, possibly if you go back to work, but that's a long way away and to be discussed in the future. You are able to say no. It's important you do that.

Some people do have relationships with their parents and PILs where the older generation are very involved in the day to day child care, get involved in the decisions etc, but a lot don't. Don't be bullied into letting her 'have a go' if it involves you feeling you are compromising on the quality of care your DS gets in order to keep an adult happy.

A travel cot and a high chair are actually useful things for her to have, tbh. But don't for the love of god let her have the baby overnight unless she has stopped drinking (cold day in hell etc, it won't happen).

I dont think you are being precious at all.
Iam very close to my MIL but, would feel uncomfortable if she went around buying her own baby stuff like nursery furniture and prams?
MY baby is MY baby, i realise its a nice guesture but, i would still be put out.

My own mother went around telling anyone who would listen how she couldnt wait to have HER grandchild in his pram and take him out on days. And how she had seen the perfect moses basket for when he stays over. I immediately replied that i wouldnt waste her money as i wasnt planning on letting my son stay over night at her house but, thanked her for her kind offer. She and my sister thought i was being hormonal and would change my mind once baby had arrived along with the sleepless nights, teething etc.
My son is now 22 months and has never stayed overnight without me and my mother has never babysat at all. I am now expecting baby number 2 and dont plan on Letting him being loaned out to whomever wants to play 'happy families' for the day.

I realise children should have a relationship with their grandparents (my sons favourite people are my father & my MIL) but, i dont like the idea of anyone else playing 'mummy' or 'daddy' to him. He already as a mummy & daddy.

Maybe iam a little touchy, iam put out when my sister calls him 'her' baby lol!
Think i'll always be this way though, i didnt have children for anyone else but myself and DH!