To Get Pissed Off At the Bride to Be?

[0FrillyKnickers0]

Right.

I am Maid of Honour (pah) for my best?friend at the end of March.

She asked me before I was pregnant and now I am 13 weeks and will be 18.5 by the time of the wedding.

The reason for this post is because I am still expected to arrange the hen night and organise the bridal shower (me, me, me much?). When I asked for help from the other bridesmaids (I've had hyperemesis) people got a bit pissy with me. Please bear in mind that I'm already paying half for my bridesmaid dress and for DH's groomsman suit!

Also, when the B2B showed me a photo of the shoes she wants ALL bridesmaids to wear, I nearly choked. They are (no joke) 6 inches high! I suggested that I could wear them in the church and for the photos but said I would have to buy flats (don't worry, I'll match the colour) for the rest of the time because it's not advisable for me to wear such heels at that stage (plus I get terrible back ache already)! The response was stony, pissed off silence.

I'm sorry, but I've about had enough of this now. Am I being unreasonable or do you think that my fed up-ness is justified?

I was in this exact situation I was 18+2 when maid of honour at my friend's wedding. I sourced and paid for a new dress as the one she had bought and paid for was too small by then, which I thought was only reasonable.

I also did the hen night without any help, but that was really because it was before I was 12 weeks so no one knew.

I think the difference is attitude, your friend sounds like she is annoyed and in that zone where people lose sight of the reason you get married, whereas mine was totally happy for me.

I think expecting you to wear crazy shoes is crap - does she really think people will be looking at your feet?

Also don't bank on not showing, I had gone up 3 cup sizes in bra and significant bump which needed dress 2 sizes bigger than original!

Good luck, x.

I like Scuttlebutter's Paris-themed suggestions for the bridal shower. To add to the Parisienne feel, I suggest holding the event on a particularly hideous ring road.

By, not on.

My best friend was 8 weeks at my wedding, she organised hen and strutted down the aisle in heels.

YABU - it's your best friends wedding day! Get on with it (wearing flats if that's more comfy).

They're groomsmen in Australia too. Not just America.

Um. Shoes - stuff it. Do what is safe for you - at that stage of pg, your ligaments will already be softening and you could throw your pelvis out so do what you have to do, and if the B2B doesn't like it, tell her that in that case you WILL have to resign as Maid (Matron?) of honour, because you're not prepared to jeopardise your long-term back health.

Hen night - your province. Suck it up, I'm afraid. :)

Bridal Showed (blech) - family province. Hand it over to the sisters and if they don't like it, tell her you WILL have to resign as maid/matron of honour because you can't get too stressed and you're already stressed with the hyperemesis and doing the hen night.

HTH - I'm sure you don't want to resign, but frankly you need to stand up for yourself a bit here, I think.

Oh come on empire, your comment is pointless. Whoopee fucking doo for you btw.
Every pregnancy is different.'I'm 35 weeks with dc2; at 8 weeks or 18 weeks I could've abseiled down the spire then shimmied up the aisle in porn star shoes if it'd been required.

With dd1, I'd have been lucky to make it up the aisle without fainting or throwing up violently any time before 24 weeks.

Is she always that bossy?! I can't imagine not consulting a BM about what height heels she could wear in the first place, never goddamn insisting that she wear killer heels for the whole rest of the day. Or even going into a pathetic passive-aggressive silence about it.

To add futher injury to injury, she's treating you, a supposed friend, like a dolly, when you're pregnant, and have hyperemesis?

Put Your Foot Down in Flats!

Can you speak to her about what you can do and what she really expects? Then you could agree a way forward for the important (to her) things that you don't think you can do?

To be honest, I think you need to decide whether you want to do this or not. I was maid of honour for my friend when I was 32 weeks pregnant with twins (and so wearing a modified size 22 dress on my size 12 frame!) - we talked about it and decided to go ahead as planned but we both made compromises (I wore heels for service/pictures and then chained to ballet shoes, she regularly checked whether I was ok to attend appointments/needed taxis/could think of anything to make it easier etc (including a chair to sit on in between photos, bless her!).

I think overall YABU. This is her wedding, and you are pregnant not terminally ill. I think you need to talk to each other - if you can't talk about this, then don't be her maid of honour as you're not close enough anyway.

bridal shower (a bit ott to have both but hey) just all go for afternoon tea at a hotel.

Def get flats

hen party - she has already said she wants to see a show so just get on the computer - email and confirm numbers book a restaurant, book the tickets and go on ann summers or similar for hen party items - l plates etc etc

To all those with "well xxx was 40 weeks wearing high heels dancing the night away etc" Don't be so silly! Everyone's experience of pregnancy is different, you haven't got a clue how big the OP will be, how sore her back will be etc etc.

OP: Wear flats, noone but you knows how much you will be showing and comfortable you will feel on the day itself, trust me, she won't notice, and if she does, she won't care.

Bridal shower - WTAF?

Hen do is traditionally organised by you, but you're prob feeling awful from the hyperemesis so do some delegating - get other bridesmaids and sister to ring venues for you etc.

I think a lot of your problem is with the sisters to be honest. I can't believe they wouldn't offer to help to organise the hen party and shower, especially when you specifically asked them. They sound like a lovely family (not)!

I'm not sure I was really clear in my post.

What I meant was either do the things she's asking or don't. But talk to her about it. And with things like the bridal shower (which I also find cringeworthy), don't blame your reluctance on your pregnancy unless that is genuinely the reason you can't/won't do it.

She sounds as grabby as hell. You pay for your own bridesmaids outfit, and she gets a hen night, a "bridal shower" complete with obligatory presents (she made you ask on the invitation!!!!!!) plus wedding presents. She also gets all huffy about nothing, to the point where her dp had to step in and tell you the cause of her latest one. Is she really that close a friend? You can and should step down and let her huff away.

Your bride friend sounds like a collosal PITA - sorry. It is possible to be a bride and centre of attention but not be totally thoughtless! People should know about costs and ill health should be taken into account, who wants a maid of honour uncomfortable/in pain so shoes match. Who would have a friend like that and apologise for moaning about it - you deserve a good moan!

I would have thought different people would go to a bridal shower than a hen party - eg auntie Mabel, great grandma and 10 year old cousin probably can't go to the hen night but can go to the shower. I'm not a fan of showers but I don't think having both is a huge deal tbh that the bride deserves this much criticism.

Also repeat what the others say that 18 weeks is nothing really especially with a first pg. I probably was still wearing 6 inch heels then certainly for a night out. TBH both you and the bride sound like you are competing to be centre of attention.

What I would do.

1. Say nothing about the shoes and wear suitable flat ones instead. Perhaps have the stupid heels with you in case she goes nuts but I bet she won't notice.
2. Think you'll have to go ahead with organising the hen do.
3. Ask her sisters to organise the shower , as someone else said presumably that's more of a family thing and the sisters know the family better + it's at their mum's house. Just say you CAN'T do it.
4. Making people pay for their own bridesmaid gear may not be uncommon but that doesn't mean it's right!
5. Hopefully your hyperemis will have worn off by then (my sympathies it is hellish) and presumably most organising can be done over internet or phone. If it is better you won't really be heavily pregnant so should still be able to have fun!

Jeepers. I'm missing several tricks by the sound of it. I just paid for (beautiful, pure silk, entirely wearable-again) dresses for my bridesmaids in a style they both like. I am not making any stipulations about shoes apart from an approximate colour range and 'please, nothing really minging'. I am not having a 'bridal shower', whatever that is. And my hen night will most likely consist of an afternoon in a spa somewhere with a handful of friends and a glass of something fizzy.

I had no idea I was missing so many opportunities to demand presents, get in a huff and generally piss everyone off

A Paris-themed Bridal Shower???? Ha! Ha! Ha! Never have I heard something like that in all my days. Haven't seen the film Bridesmaids, but want to see it now.

OP, YANBU to have a good rant online and I agree with others that roping in her sisters or even her mum to help a bit might be useful.

From my own memories of my wedding I had bought my bridesmaids shoes but they were both with a small heel... if they had changed after the photos or during the reception I wouldn't have even noticed.... in fact I changed out of heels and into flats for my evening reception!

The asking for presents at every turn is greedy and not nice, in my very humble opinion, but there isn't much you can do about that.

Snort at all the people saying "yabu because I went out dancing at 18 weeks". She has hyperemesis. The thing where you vomit so much you end up in hospital on a drip. Lucky lucky people who felt like dancing at 18 weeks!

OP, tell your friend you want her to organise you a Baby Shower, and it's GOT to be the week before the wedding, and you want her to dye her hair pink, because you think the baby is a girl. And if she won't, what kind of a friend is she?

Hyperemesis is not terminal in most cases, but don't knock it til you've tried it. It makes you want to do nothing but close the curtain, curl up in a hole, and die.

Someone else's wedding?
If it was me, I would give it the odd fleeting thought in between paying minute attention to what my stomach was going to do next and wiping the toilet down.

Bottom line is this bride has a choice as to how she treats people whereas the OP has no choice at all about her hyperemesis and her sore back.

The more I think of it, OP, the more I think you should just resign. One of her sisters can take over and they can fight it out among themselves. Don't let the grass grow under your feet. Just call her and resign. She will have a fit but it's not too late if you do it really soon.

She doesn't sound much of a friend if she stops talking to you, or if she expects you to wear stupid shoes and be uncomfortable, or she expects you to organise all these things without any help even though she knows you're not really up to it.

Resign. Then reassess her as a best friend (that bit will be easy if you resign).

OR, do it all and don't complain... feel building resentment over the years, make yourself poorly, then reassess her as a best friend.

OR, talk to her DP, her Mum, her sisters and her, and say in no uncertain terms what you are able and unable to do. Keep smiling. Apologise that you can't do more. Stand your ground. The ball is then in her court. If she stops speaking to you, organise the grand total of naff all whilst she sulks.

YABU to allow her throw hissy fits all over the place.

YANBU to be utterly pissed off.

Actually, on second thoughts, I would tell her that you are feeling really, really ill, maybe print off/email some info about hypermis (I'm imagining a pre-dc 'it's just morning sickness' response), you want to be there on her 'special day' but you are really struggling. If she does anything other than tell you not to worry about anything then she is a cow-bag and not actually your friend. So you should resign.
I can't imagine anyone I know insisting that I waer any sort of shoe let alone a stupid high one when I was PG. Who cares what shoes you wear.

Just wanted to second what WhereYouLeftIt said about Showing of Presents - this isn't really the same as a Bridal Shower.
It may only be a Scottish thing (which seems to have died out now) but it was usually a one/two day event (maybe a week before the wedding) when the "women" were invited round to view the presents the happy couple had received.
Food and drink were served and everyone oohed and aahed and had a good old chinwag.
I haven't been to a Showing of Presents for years and I don't think brides-to-be still do them.

Never been to a bridal shower - I don't even like the idea of baby showers.

I was a bridesmaid once. My school friend was the bride who had three BMs and p[aid for their dresses. Each frock was a fitted dress with a straight skirt made of artificial velvet. Mine was turquoise, another was orange and the third was pink. We were asked to get ourselves white winklepickers with the usual stilleto heels to wear. I couldn't find white ones in my size or at a price I was prepared to pay except for pearlised shoes. She told me they would be okay - so there is an element of compromise available (not that my schoolfriend is the bride we are talking about!).

I loved that dress and wore it for years until it just fell to pieces.

That may have been the most pointless post I have ever made on here

Unless, of course, anyone knows different? ...