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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Get Pissed Off At the Bride to Be?

83 replies

0FrillyKnickers0 · 20/02/2012 22:37

Right.

I am Maid of Honour (pah) for my best?friend at the end of March.

She asked me before I was pregnant and now I am 13 weeks and will be 18.5 by the time of the wedding.

The reason for this post is because I am still expected to arrange the hen night and organise the bridal shower (me, me, me much?). When I asked for help from the other bridesmaids (I've had hyperemesis) people got a bit pissy with me. Please bear in mind that I'm already paying half for my bridesmaid dress and for DH's groomsman suit!

Also, when the B2B showed me a photo of the shoes she wants ALL bridesmaids to wear, I nearly choked. They are (no joke) 6 inches high! I suggested that I could wear them in the church and for the photos but said I would have to buy flats (don't worry, I'll match the colour) for the rest of the time because it's not advisable for me to wear such heels at that stage (plus I get terrible back ache already)! The response was stony, pissed off silence.

I'm sorry, but I've about had enough of this now. Am I being unreasonable or do you think that my fed up-ness is justified?

OP posts:

Truffkin · 20/02/2012 22:54

I agree re: organising as it's your 'job' as the maid of honour, which you knew when you got pregnant.

The shoes thing is a personal choice and I was happily wearing heels at 38 weeks pregnant at a hen weekend (and dancing until 3am in them!) but I wear heels pretty regularly normally and didn't have any physical reason to stop.

I would say that pre-pregnancy I was always very 'meh' at women making a massive fuss about being pregnant as they had made the choice. After experiencing hyperemesis I softened slightly but realise that women who have not experienced it, cannot be expected to think from a pregnant woman's perspective.

ChaoticAngel · 20/02/2012 22:56

If a bridal shower is like WhereYouLeftIt suggests then it sounds quite nice, so long as there are no presents expected. I'm not too sure that would be the case for this bride though.

bushymcbush · 20/02/2012 22:57

I organised my friend's hen weekend which took place when I was 35 weeks pregnant. So on that front, YABU.

If she wants a bridal shower (I don't even know what this is actually - except a vague memory of Monica in 'Friends' having one maybe?) she should probably organise it herself. But is she has asked you to do it - how hard can it be really? Phone a few people, book afternoon tea etc? I think you could let her have her way on this one.

But the shoes - that IS ridiculous. I have never been able to wear 6 inch heels. And certainly not while pregnant. So on that front, YANBU.

Original poster

0FrillyKnickers0 · 20/02/2012 23:01

Re Bridal Shower...
...They want it themed as Paris (all accessories) to be held at her mum's house (at least the venue is easy)!

In the invites for the BS I had to mention presents etc. Felt cheeky but I was asked to!

OP posts:

Heswall · 20/02/2012 23:03

She hasn't bleached her arsehole has she, this is all going down a slippery slope

ENormaSnob · 20/02/2012 23:04

Presents for the bride instead of a wedding present?

Or does she expect both?

SmethwickBelle · 20/02/2012 23:04

Not wishing to one up, well OK maybe just a little but I arranged two hen nights when I was 4-5 months pregnant, including one weekend retreat in a cottage with about 10 women, and was 6 months pregnant at the weddings.

HOWEVER its a good job they got married in 2007 because with my second pregnancy in 2009 I felt so knackered I would have burst into tears and then probably vomited if someone had even asked me to open a packet of crisps.

So I am sympathetic actually - it depends on the pregnancy to some degree and the relationship you have with the bride, both of my mates were laid back and delighted with all I did, had a few ideas they asked me to accommodate but it was all fun - you sound miserable by their demands... and they're definitely unreasonable to insist on high heels.

As others have said ask the other bridesmaids to step in a bit, pace yourself x

ENormaSnob · 20/02/2012 23:05

at heswall

Original poster

0FrillyKnickers0 · 20/02/2012 23:07

ENormaSnob wedding presents too.

FYI, I'm sure I ABU in areas...forgive me!

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 20/02/2012 23:18

You dont sound at all unreasonable.. she sounds very greedy and grasping.. neither of which are endearing qualities in a person..

ProcrastinateWildly · 20/02/2012 23:23

I couldn't wear 6 inch heels under normal circumstances, let alone when pregnant. Cheeky cow asking for presents on 2 seperate occasions. So a guest at the wedding would be expected to provide 2 presents?! Really?

fatlazymummy · 20/02/2012 23:25

It depends what the expectations are really. I personally didn't do bridal showers or hen nights [other than a night in the pub], so I wouldn't have got involved in any of this in the 1st place. I would never even entertain the thoughts of 6'' heels [pregnant or not]and I would have told her that upfront.
So it's not really a question of whether either of you are being unreasonable, it's just that you need to communicate and be honest with each other. If you think any aspect is going to be too much for you then just tell her and let her make other arrangements.

fatlazymummy · 20/02/2012 23:28

Plus, aren't showers supposed to be arranged as a surprise for the bride? She shouldn't really be asking for you to arrange one in that case, she should have waited for someone to offer to throw one for you.

PopcornBiscuit · 20/02/2012 23:31

Paying towards dress/suit is not unusual.

It is your job as Maid of Honour to organise the hen night but the other bridesmaids are unreasonable not to help you out. If you don't feel you can meet this expectation you might just have to resign and be an "ordinary" bridesmaid instead.

Get the shoes but then cut the heels off! :o

Your friend is being inflexible, but on the other hand, bridezillaness can usually be forgiven as it's normally a one-off.

cogitosum · 20/02/2012 23:33

I think yanbu and I am a B2B (getting married this weekend!). I have 11 bridesmaids but paid for all dresses and alterations etc. Not paying for shoes but they are choosing their own. They can wear whatever they are comfortable in. I think a bridal shower is a bit bleugh if it is about just giving presents to bride (to be fair I've never heard of one though!) and I had 3 hens! One crazy weekend for close friends arranged by MOH, one fairly sedate affair with close family
And one local one that everyone could afford. Maybe you could arrange a nice meal or something (and call it bridal shower?) and her Dsis or someone could organise more typical crazy hen

Scuttlebutter · 20/02/2012 23:55

I just still don't get how it is appropriate to pressgang guests into attending a Bridal Shower, a hen night and the wedding - expecting gifts at these events, and contributing to an expensive hen night. Either you move in circles that are incredibly wealthy and untouched by the economic situation, or you (in the plural sense of Bridezilla and you as accomplice) are utterly greedy and materialistic. A wedding is not an excuse or a justification for piling on cartloads of tat. And a Paris theme? Riotous housing estates, guillotines, Tour de France sprints? Non? It sounds like something from a cheesy 1950s American movie, and not in a good way.

ComposHat · 21/02/2012 01:47

YANBU about the shoes.

The Bridal shower is a step too far, crass and materialistic. So you are not BU about that either (unless you had one yourself then you are BU)

But YABU not to arrange the hen do, get down a t shirt printers now. You need 14 hot pink t shirts with B"B's hen. The same number of sexy angel wings and glitttery pink cow girl hats. All you need apart from that is a VAT of Lambrini and be prepared to lead the cackling and issue the first cry of 'get your cock out' to any stray male who wanders across your path.

It's traditional.

PS.Asking for a contribution for the cost of the Bridesmaid's dress/Best man's outfit or indeed to pay for it all yourself isn't out of the ordinary. So you may have to suck that one up.

PPS. You are BU to use the word 'Groomsman' it is a horrible Americanism that has crept into our language. Best Man or Usher as appropriate.

Bogeyface · 21/02/2012 02:05

PPS. You are BU to use the word 'Groomsman' it is a horrible Americanism that has crept into our language. Best Man or Usher as appropriate.

I rather suspect that the OP isnt the blame here, and that the B2B has watched too many American films and sitcoms!

Bubbaluv · 21/02/2012 02:14

Heswall - that was exactly what I thought!! She has clearly watched Bridesmaids a few too many times!

Organising the hens and (if it's the done thing where you are) the shower are totally normal parts of being the maid of honour. You should be able to delegate various jobs to other bridesmaids though. Can't see why this is a big deal unless you still have hypermesis.

re the shoes - are you generally unable to wear high heels? Unless you have some complications I can't see why you should have problems with heels at this stage in your pregnancy, but I guess if you don't usually wear heels then it might not be the time to start. Go with your original suggestion but don't mention it to her. She'll never notice. In fact you might even take an extra pair of flats (or lower heels) for the bride - she may be very grateful later in the proceedings!

Bubbaluv · 21/02/2012 02:18

Oh, and if she has actually ASKED for a shower that's awful.

ComposHat · 21/02/2012 02:20

rather suspect that the OP isnt the blame here, and that the B2B has watched too many American films and sitcoms!

If this is the case I apologise. It wouldn't certainly fit with the B2B's demand for a Bridal Shower.

Bubbaluv · 21/02/2012 02:28

The movie she has watched is Bridesmaids - quite a good laugh if you've had a couple of vinos. That would be where she got the Paris theme idea too. Watch it and you'll see what I mean. I bet she's bleached her asshole too.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2012 02:55

Strictly speaking, her sisters should be arranging the shower, iirc from my US experience.

Showers are supposed to have a theme, but not 'Paris' or whatever; there would normally be themes such as 'kitchenware', or 'bathrooms', in order to set the bride and groom up with everything they might need in their home by way of towels, small appliances, pots and pans, sheets, recipe books and old recipes, etc, so they would normally take care of the very domestic aspects of setting up home together. Bigger gifts would be sent as wedding gifts. Showers would be attended by the younger set, who would not be expected to cough up for a more substantial wedding gift also. Older relatives and invitees to the wedding would be expected to give wedding gifts. Normally it would be an older relative like an aunt of the bride who would give a shower, and there would be a few of them.

It's very American to have the bridesmaids and groomsmen, maid of honour and best man pay for their own outfits. And shoes. Hence all those jokes in American comedies about hideous bridesmaid dresses that cost a fortune and can never be worn again.

It might well be a 'groomsman' she is talking about. A groomsman would be the equivalent of a bridesmaid, not the best man or maid of honour but one of the hangers on. Ushers are the polite young men who help you to your seat, and they are not groomsmen either, just reliable and hopefully sober young male guests, in the American way of doing things.

Don't wear the high heels. You are going to look different from the other members of the bridal party if you're 18 weeks pregnant anyway and no need to risk your back and look silly in 6" heels. Your B2B is taking the piss here and by expecting you to do both the shower and the hen event. Palm off the shower on the others and if they won't do it, either tell the B2B there will be none, or resign. (They should also be helping you with the hen night).

Toomanycuppas · 21/02/2012 03:06

Let the sisters organise the Bridal Shower, after all it's at their mum's house. Take your flat shoes for after the ceremony and photos.

I'm in Australia (I am English) and it seems to be the done thing here to have a Hen's Night and a Bridal Shower. We went to a wedding recently and the wording on the Bridal Shower invitation was along the lines of "she's got enough stuff for the kitchen so let's shower her with stuff for the bedroom". So yes ... presents expected and they played games and had drinks and snacks, all organised by two of the bridesmaids.

Fortunately I am deemed too old to have been invited on the night out on the town part of the Hen's Night but my daughters went. Us old ladies were included in the early part of the evening which was a pizza and pampering session, again drinks and food provided by bridesmaids.

My family (5 of us) then travelled 600kms for the weekend to attend the wedding, paid for accommodation and wedding present.

I'm scared of wedding invitations these days!

p.s. Hope you start feeling better soon.

mathanxiety · 21/02/2012 04:03

Weddings are a racket...

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