To think a psychopath/vampire/ax-murderer/zombie is about to turn up on my doorstep?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

The wind is howling round the house, making those awful spooky noises that never presage good news in the movies. It sounds like werewolves are stalking round the back door. It is still daylight, but it is a dark, gloomy, rainy day, and I am in the house on my own - that has to mean that Disaster is about to strike, doesn't it?

If I am found scattered in separate suitcases, all over Scotland, or become very pale and do a lot of posting at night, or if I suddenly want to eat my steak really, really rare, and need to buy a lot more flea powder - you will know that I was right to be worried.

Put on a frilly nighty and some high heels and practise running up stairs and you'll be fiiine.

Make sure you go down into the cellar alone - that'll flush the buggers out !

Whew!

Oh yes, and importantly, take a torch whose battery life is almost up. It will encourage you to be quicker and therefore safer.

Frilly nightie - check
Dying torch - check
High heels - ohh bugger - I don't have any.

I'm DOOOOOOOMED!!

You need an elaborate candelabra to wave a bit, an then all the candles can blow out - so much more the thing than a torch
And when the creepy voice hisses "get out of the houuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse" don not, under any circumstances, actually leave...

If i do inadvertantly leave the house, should I run towards the village, or into the dark and creepy woods?

Flip flops or slippers of the type that not only fall off but trip you up in the process are essential

Hide in the woods of course - the village will either already have been attacked or part of the conspiracy. You'll be totally safe as long as you're unarmed and your negligee is tangled in the brambles

No flipflops, but I do have my fluffy wuffy brown slippers. I am worried that they are a bit too mumsy, though - will the psychopath/ax-murderer/zombie/vampire object?

I think bare feet are ok.

Noooooo - this is Scotland, and it would be an awful shame if I died of exposure before the Foul Fiend caught me, now wouldn't it??!

Just make sure you have lots of tripping opportunities

I think it's compulsory if you have no high heels! I mean, you'd lose at least one of them or break a heel and be left bare foot anyway once you got running into the wood!

I knew I would regret not being able to wear high heels.

High heels make a good substitute for a stake in an emergency

Don't have sex - or you'll be the one that dies first at the beginning of the film...

Ditto fat or black, tabulah

Fair point - well if you're fat and/or black you might as well have sex then, if you're going to die anyway, lol

See, i have a fat black house rabbit. In case of attack, we'll throw the rabbit to the zombies, distracting them long enough for dp and i to grab some weapons and get to the coast so some Navy friends can pick us up in their comnandeered battle cruiser...

Maybe you should have a bath and leave the doors unlocked. Make sure you close your eyes and listen to music so you can't hear/see anything!

Don't forget to keep checking your landline (old fashioned dial telephone), as it will be cut off soon and you can repeatedly tap the cradle just to be really sure you have no way of calling for help.

And make sure your mobile phone isn't charged up.
Also if you do hear or see anything spooky or disturbing don't call the police. Its probably better to leave a message on a friend or relative's answerphone - that they won't listen to for a few hours.

Also, switch off the electrics so that you can crash into furniture in the dark that you should put in unfamiliar places before it gets dark.