To think a psychopath/vampire/ax-murderer/zombie is about to turn up on my doorstep?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

The wind is howling round the house, making those awful spooky noises that never presage good news in the movies. It sounds like werewolves are stalking round the back door. It is still daylight, but it is a dark, gloomy, rainy day, and I am in the house on my own - that has to mean that Disaster is about to strike, doesn't it?

If I am found scattered in separate suitcases, all over Scotland, or become very pale and do a lot of posting at night, or if I suddenly want to eat my steak really, really rare, and need to buy a lot more flea powder - you will know that I was right to be worried.

Have you got a cheerleader living close by? Because they ALWAYS go first. Invite one round for coffee, she won't get past the first sip!!

as long as you don't leave the room saying "i'll be right back..." you'll be fine

I hope you've never had a boob job? You'll be a goner for sure.

If someone with a axe/knife comes after you close a thin wooden door on him and then lean against it looking relieved.

If a psychopath/bogeyman/vampire does attack you and you manage to kill him - make sure that when he is lying dead on the floor you go up and poke him with your hand just to make sure he is really dead.

Such good advice - the collected wisdom of mumsnet is, as always, awe-inspiring!

On no lesley33 - remember, there will be a hitherto unknown accomplice (wearing a scary mask) waiting to stab poor OP in her negligee as she runs back to the safety of her house / living room / bathroom / cellar.....

But if you go back 12 seconds later, said corpse will of course, have vanished

if you have washing on the line (yes,even in Scotland) be aware that as you un-peg the wildly flapping sheets and fold them up, the Evil Clown from It will be waiting, waiting for you. Mwah ha ha

Definitely not the weather for putting the washing outside, 70isaLimit - but the unearthly howling could have been a monster, created from all the lint in my tumbledryer, that will leap out and massacre the whole family the next time the dryer is opened.

Is it poor etiquette to hide behind one's dh and dses, so that the mad ax man/monster/zombie/vampire consumes/massacres them first??

I was cleaning out my guinea-pigs' shed a couple of weeks back and there was a Police Helicopter circling overhead.
A few years back there was a man running through the gardens, and a Police 'copter prowling round.

Did I think "Oh I'll get DH to carry on with the sluicing out in case I get brutally mangled"?

No: I armed myself with a metal (silver)food bowl and a water bottle (Holy Water) and prepared to battle with vampires and zombies anyone who had the audacity to jump into my garden.
But thankfully no-one did

under no circumstances dress in a short almost see thru nightie, light a candle (in a candlestick ,of course)open door on hearing a noise and announce to no one in particular"i"ll be back in a minute, i thought i heard a noise " FRANKENSTEIN, no matter how slow/ungainly his gait, always managed to catch fleeing fully fit human being", now, where is that M.JACKSON ,THRILLER CD?

And when you run, instead of running flat out like your life depends on it (which it does), keep stopping and looking back or run with your head turned so that you trip over tree routes.

And never ever trust anyone who says "I know a shortcut"

Begging for trouble with your bowl out.

tree roots FFS

My sister was once minding her own business in her jamas, in the comfort of her own home, when the back door opened and a strange man rushed in and leapt into the under stairs cupboard. He then whispered hoarsely "shhh they're after me, if you be quiet I'll bring you a plasma telly later, or a playstation, whatever you want"
Sis went and looked out the back door, and couldn't see anyone, but then she heard voices and a helicopter, and when she looked out the front it was loads of policemen and dogs...
She was so frightened she took nephew who was about 15 months old and ran upstairs and got in the wardrobe and stayed there for 3 hours. When her DH came home she came out and he laughed at her
She never did get a telly or a playstation but nothing in the house was gone or damaged or anything either.
She is a probation officer nowadays and has often wondered if one of her clients is that bloke... utterly true story

So it could be said that your sister was harbouring a fugitive in her pyjamas, Pom. I hope they were roomy!

I'm just that there's room in the understairs cupboard for someone to hide.

But our understairs door won't shut properly. Could there be someone hiding there?

Decides not to look...

And remember, always pick up the smallest knife in your kitchen, preferably a butter knife, and hide under your bed but near the edge so you can see everything that you don't want to see

No doubt, you are damp with sweat from all the running through the woods SDTG and your long/short, blonde/brown/red hair is sticking to your face in the moonlight. Your family is nowhere to be seen as they gave up on dinner and went to pizzahut/the local Chinese to eat with a man that needs a very big shave they found wandering near the house...

And FGS don't let any of your dolls (because they come to life you know) get their clammy little plastic hands on your knife rack and scuttle round the house

just out of the corner of your eyes-was that something moving.

And don't put your arm under the sofa and grope around blindly to find the Knife Weilding Hamble Doll..

Well - I seem to have escaped slaughter thus far, and today is a much better day, weather-wise, so I am confident that All Is Well, my fears were groundless, and I can go out into the garden safe in the knowledge that nothing nasty is lurking in the bushes to Get me. I have relaxed, let down my guard, put away the many defensive items suggested by this thread, and am even considering a long walk in the wood (which is, today, entirely free of ax-murderers/zombies/psychopaths etc).

Later on, I might go and clean out the cellar and the attic, that have been closed and locked ever since I moved here but to which I suddenly found the keys yesterday. I am sure that they are full of fascinating artifacts that will give me a glimpse into the house's history. Long lost love letters, that kinda stuff. Nothing bad could happen on a day when there is no thunder/rain/howling winds, now could it??.......

...unless! it's haunted!!!

Nope - I am blithely confident that All Danger is Passed, and that has got to defend me against all potential hazards, both monstrous and human.

G'byeeee...

AH, the cellar, does this mean you are about to discover THE TRAPDOOR? in the middle of THE FLOOR! which you NEVER noticed before !(trapdoor is slid to one side, i expect) will you say aloud"i never noticed that before " and slowly follow the beam of the (rapidly failing)torch as it pans over...... >hides behind settee....