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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or are they? Put me in my place or make me feel vindicated please.

82 replies

Rosmarin · 19/02/2012 20:32

I am a student and I share a flat with a 38-year-old. Flat's in her name, I pay 40% but have paid extra the last two months to help her out, so it's about 50-50. Flat is openplan duplex. We both keep flat nice and tidy and pleasant and get along very well when just the two of us. She has a private bedroom, I have a balcony which overlooks the living area and have thin curtains for privacy, so perhaps shouldn't be paying as much as she has the better situation? She has ldr with fiance. He is visiting this weekend. They are both smokers. Fiance is in his 50s.

She normally smokes in her room or on the balcony. We live in Spain so the weather is lovely even now. I voiced my concerns after his last visit because he believes 'one should be able to smoke at home' and so smokes in ours. She and I agreed there would be no smoking in common areas (because it floats into my 'room').

He smoked yesterday and this morning, and after biting my tongue I finally asked him as politely as I could if he would smoke on the balcony. He just said 'we'll see'. She didn't say anything. She shortly thereafter shouted up to my balcony because I'd left crumbs on the table and then reeled off a list of things I do wrong as a co-sharer. I had a friend over and flatmate made it clear we weren't welcome in the flat, so we left. I stayed out all day to give everyone space. When I returned, the flat was smokey and their ashtray was full on the coffee table (shared area). My clothes etc are full of smoke. It just seems very spiteful and unpleasant, but I do have to live with her and they are making no indication of not smoking.

Apart from having a right not to inhale smoke, I don't like it on my clothes and bedclothes and my Mum died about 2 years ago from smoking-induced lung cancer so it's a fresh scar. She knows this.

AIBU to be really Angry? And if not, how do I make this situation liveable? He will be visiting again. Sorry for lengthy post...

OP posts:
Littlefish · 19/02/2012 20:35

Remind her of your agreement. If she doesn't stick to it, move out.

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:36

YANBU. He should stick to the house rules and do as your housemaid usually does :(

MrsKittyFane · 19/02/2012 20:36

Housemate

hairytaleofnewyork · 19/02/2012 20:36

You rent from her and she owns the flat?

Yanbu. Find somewhere else to live and hand in your notice.

JustHecate · 19/02/2012 20:38

Look for somewhere else to live.

joanofarchitrave · 19/02/2012 20:39

oh tbh I would start looking to move out pronto if at all possible. He sounds a pain, she's going to prioritise him over you, you can't win in this scenario IMO.

Original poster
Rosmarin · 19/02/2012 20:41

I'm on a YA and moving out anyway in June. Prefer not to move in interim. Diffusion techniques where I can still avoid second hand smoking?

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 19/02/2012 20:43

YANBU at all OP and you have every right to feel the way you do.

That said, as everyone else has indicated, start looking for somewhere better, pronto. She will put him first and this situation will only get worse. Best to cut your losses and run.

rumngingerbeer · 19/02/2012 20:43

Is he Spanish? They are totally on a different planet from us when it comes to the dangers of smoking.

WelshMoth · 19/02/2012 20:45

From now til June will be intolerable if this continues. I've lived with a smoker who went against the non-smoking in flat agreement, and it was really, really hard. It's something that irritates the hell out of you and if you're like me, you will not be able to relax in your own space.

I'd still bail out.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 19/02/2012 20:48

June is a long way off - find somewhere nicer now and stop paying more than you need to.

Where abouts in Spain are you? I lived in Valencia for a while, it was great :) I still miss the weather there!!

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 19/02/2012 20:51

Well first thing is stop paying more than 40%. She clearly can't respect your boundaries and ultimately this is a business transaction.

I assume this is an informal agreement so find somewhere pronto and get out!

suburbophobe · 19/02/2012 21:00

Leave the balcony door open when he is there smoking?

Sounds like she is getting a good deal anyway if you are sleeping in the living room, paying 40-50% and can not even have a friend over.

She probably needs your share more than you need her inconsideration to you as a flat mate.

Spain is in a desperate financial state at the moment. I'm sure lots of people are willing to rent out a spare room.

warthog · 19/02/2012 21:01

i couldn't deal with this. i'd look for somewhere else immediately. and absolutely do not pay more than 40%.

Flatbread · 19/02/2012 21:04

They are trying to bully you, it seems. Well, let her know that you will reduce your rental amount. If she is not declaring your rent, also mention that you need an official receipt. Make things a bit difficult for her and see if she backs down.

This strategy might backfire though, and she may well up the ante. In which case you will need a plan B. Which unfortunately will mean moving out Sad

Sorry, this sounds like an uncomfortable situation. Hope you can resolve it.

TooEasilyTempted · 19/02/2012 21:05

I see you're stuck there 'till June. It doesn't sound like the fiance is there that often so tbh I'd just try and keep out of the way whilst he's there.

I the meantime, buy a big fuck off electric fan, the biggest you can find, or a number of small fans and line them up on the balcony pointing down towards them and switch them all on when they start smoking. Grin

Original poster
Rosmarin · 19/02/2012 21:06

I live out of a city and work in a really small town but want to have access to the city via train so I'm a little bit against the wall with this. She needs my portion to make ends meet. Perhaps I'll tell her tomorrow that he if he can't smoke elsewhere, I can't live here? But I really don't want to have to move. It's a big upheaval.

OP posts:
Flatbread · 19/02/2012 21:20

Rethinking, I think her bf sounds nasty. Are you very young? Does he think he can boss you around?

I think this goes beyond the smoking issue, it seems they are trying to 'put you in your place'. If you feel you can call their bluff, do it. But it requires thick-skin and gumption.

You have 3 to 4 months left. If I were you, I would move. There must be alternatives, and even if it is a big upheaval, that would be better than being bullied in your own home.

staranise · 19/02/2012 21:23

Is he Spanish? I agree with the earlier poster - I lived in Spain and most SPanish people just don't understand about objections to smoking. I would definitely ask for a discount off the rent - but you will need to be prepared to move if necessary.

Flatbread · 19/02/2012 21:30

Even of they don't understand it, it is rude to smoke in so one else's house, if they specifically request you not to. Being Spanish is not an excuse for being rude. The problem is that they do not see it as your home.

And what was all that shouting about crumbs etc.? If you are paying rent, it is just as much your home as hers, and she has no right to shout at you or make you feel uncomfortable about having a friend.

Frankly, i don't see it as a cultural thing. More like an unpleasant people thing - she sounds greedy and her bf an insecure loser...

Original poster
Rosmarin · 19/02/2012 21:33

Yes, fiance is 52, she's 38 as I mentioned and I'm 21. He is generally an arrogant and selfish man; they've known been together for less than a year I believe but are marrying in June... Hmm Does 'small man syndrome' really exist? That might be something too.

He is quite controlling as well. When I first arrived he would call multiple times a day. Even now if he doesn't get through he'll ring and ring - last time he continued ringing until 1am. Angry I'm not even going to get involved in that minefield but suffice it to say that their conversations include /everything/ that happens to her in one day including what she eats...

My friend, who was here, commented that it seemed like he was trying to put me in my place for the smoking request. He doesn't live here but has at LEAST one more visit already scheduled. I suppose I'll have to put my 'money where my mouth is' if I threaten to move out and actually come up with the goods. They've retired for the night and I'm up early for work (they have a few days off) so I won't see them before tomorrow evening. If I get home and the house is smokey I'll be livid, so I feel I should state my claim now. But is leaving a note a bad move?

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 19/02/2012 21:34

well, start with going back to paying 40% - if she wants you to help her out of her financial situation, she should be grateful enough to be considerate to your resonable request.

Do you have any other friends near by who have a spare room you could rent until June, or through the uni? Personally, I'd go - whatever she says to you now, she's prepared to just allow her DP to ignore your house rule because she's not prepared to stand up to him, then that's not going to change. I'd be pointing out to her that if a man isn't prepared to respect that in her house it's her rules that apply, she shouldn't be surprised that he insists of having his own way in all matters once they live together. It's a great big red flag for me, but that's her problem, if you stay there, it becomes yours.

ENormaSnob · 19/02/2012 21:35

yanbu

LydiaWickham · 19/02/2012 21:38

X post - you need to be prepared to move. Not going to change, and yes, he's a cock, and she's too scared to stand up to him. Lots of woman self distruct and get into relationships with controlling bullies, but that's her choice. You won't change him. He probably considers the opinions of woman to be beneath him.

PoohBearsHole · 19/02/2012 21:42

If she can't afford this with out you then you have the position of power here. Also I would move out if she doesn't take your threat seriously, why should you make your lilfe a misery - you don't actually have your own room, you are in the communal area all the time and only have a thin curtain and have to breathe in their second hand smoke. How is any of that nice? You may well find something far nicer. Worth having a look around. Good Luck