Or are they? Put me in my place or make me feel vindicated please.

[Rosmarin]

I am a student and I share a flat with a 38-year-old. Flat's in her name, I pay 40% but have paid extra the last two months to help her out, so it's about 50-50. Flat is openplan duplex. We both keep flat nice and tidy and pleasant and get along very well when just the two of us. She has a private bedroom, I have a balcony which overlooks the living area and have thin curtains for privacy, so perhaps shouldn't be paying as much as she has the better situation? She has ldr with fiance. He is visiting this weekend. They are both smokers. Fiance is in his 50s.

She normally smokes in her room or on the balcony. We live in Spain so the weather is lovely even now. I voiced my concerns after his last visit because he believes 'one should be able to smoke at home' and so smokes in ours. She and I agreed there would be no smoking in common areas (because it floats into my 'room').

He smoked yesterday and this morning, and after biting my tongue I finally asked him as politely as I could if he would smoke on the balcony. He just said 'we'll see'. She didn't say anything. She shortly thereafter shouted up to my balcony because I'd left crumbs on the table and then reeled off a list of things I do wrong as a co-sharer. I had a friend over and flatmate made it clear we weren't welcome in the flat, so we left. I stayed out all day to give everyone space. When I returned, the flat was smokey and their ashtray was full on the coffee table (shared area). My clothes etc are full of smoke. It just seems very spiteful and unpleasant, but I do have to live with her and they are making no indication of not smoking.

Apart from having a right not to inhale smoke, I don't like it on my clothes and bedclothes and my Mum died about 2 years ago from smoking-induced lung cancer so it's a fresh scar. She knows this.

AIBU to be really ? And if not, how do I make this situation liveable? He will be visiting again. Sorry for lengthy post...

She is being completely U and if I were you I'd be furious. If the deal was that no-one smoked in common areas then she has broken the deal and that's the end of it. It is especially U of her given the location/layout of your bedroom.

I'd second Dinah and question whether it is worth moving out for the sake of 16 weeks flat sharing.

Go back to paying your 40% and no more (presume that also includes bills?) and then when the smoker goes you put all smoke affected items in washing machine until done and then carry on.

The fiance is only due over 1 more time and it sounds like for only a couple of days so perhaps you can just deal with it. The problem is cigarette smoke is 100 times worse when you are a non smoker (I don't smoke and notice it when visiting sister and bil) but these weeks will fly by and don't share with a smoker again - the benefits to your location appear to outweigh the negatives to a rare visitor :)

I really do detest wanky, arrogant twats like this - the sort that think they have a 'right' to do whatever they like irrespective of how it impacts on other people. Urrrgh. He sounds loathesome.

I suppose that when I speak with her I will outline my problem with what has taken place and give her two options. 1. The me going away and deducting rent when he's here and 2. Me moving.

Option one doesn't solve the smoke problem nor the fact that he is likely to visit mid-week when I can't be away (work). I don't want to spend more time with this man, in the same building even.

He only has one visit scheduled so far (for March), but as I mentioned his first grandchild is due in the next couple of weeks so he's likely to be up visiting the baby (his son lives up here). With any luck he'll be smoking around the baby too...

Just remembered three things:

1. When I moved in, apart from the smoking agreement, the agreement was that flatmate would be here permanently and I was going to stay here until late September to really push up my fluency in preparation for a big oral thesis presentation. Then she was proposed to (after just a few months together) and now she's moving away in June, which would be fine for me except that she's taking her fridge/freezer/washer/sofa/cups/plates/pots/tables/chairs etc with her and I couldn't survive in Spanish summertime without a fridge etc. So I have to go early.

1. In December she announced that she was unhappy and if the big boss would let her, she would quit her job straight away and move to fiance right then. (See above re whitegoods), leaving me with an unfurnished flat (I own own bed) and full rent. Luckily(?) for me, the boss said she can't leave until contract is over (June). But this shows she clearly doesn't think twice about leaving me in a bad spot...

1. Flatmate tells me fiance smokes special odourless tabacco (nope) and even her vehemently anti-smoking brother 'doesn't mind the fags'. Which to me now translates as fiance has probably ignored the poor kid's wishes and now smokes around him. Just a hunch...

Anyhow, still puzzling over this. Now that I've swung over to 'get out of there!' mode, you guys come on and support sticking around! Not sure at all.

HI OP she clearly didnt realise how much sharing a flat that you own impacts on you. i let a room to a friend when i got into mortgage difficulties and it was really hard to let someone else use my things, be in my space etc.You were clearly convenient when she was in one situation and now she is in another different situation you arent any longer. do you have a college that could help you find something else. you say you hadnt planned to leave in June so why not look for somewhere else and stay on longer. you do need to have it out with her but in a calm way saying you understand that circumstances now are not what they were when you moved in but from your perspective you need stability, to know that you have a home and that that home will be smoke free. if she cannot promise you this then you do need to go somewhere else so have it ready just in case. sorry if not being balanced/helpful but the only card you have up your sleeve is to leave. moaning to her about the smoke wont make her or vile boyfriend stop i am afraid - she has a sense of entitlement because she owns the flat. hope you find something.

This is 100% his problem and as lots of other posters have said pissing on his patch. I know it's different circumstances bit my DM move my sociopathic SD in when I was 18 and he couldn't handle the fact that I had so much say in the house, he wa around the same age as this tosser you're talking about and he was a total wind up merchant who got off on undermining me and demanded respect he "deserved" because of his age. Behind all the showing off and egoism he's probably just. Pathetic little man who's disappointed with his lot in life- if that makes you feel any better!
As a lodger though, you definitely need to treat this more as a business arrangement. Can you get in writing and both sign an agreement on communal spaces etc? If you've got something that you van refer back to you'll feel more empowered!

So I've spoken to her and the outcome is that I will look at my moving options. Finger's crossed I find something good because otherwise it's going to get uncomfortable here now that I've voiced my opinions.

She told me I don't pay much money actually and that they smoked maybe one or two cigarettes during the weekend (in the main room), despite evidence of full ashtray and smokey flat. She also told me that I'd broken my side of the agreement by having had visitors (when I moved in she said I'd only told her that my boyfriend at the time and some friends and Dad would visit - which is what's happened, minus boyfriend and plus a couple of friends) In my opinion it comes out as equal. I've always asked ahead of time and she's always said it was fine with her, so I don't know how I could have done differently not knowing her real views. It's like having the goalposts moved.

She also said that her fiance was one of the most respectful men she knows. So it's good to know she's a reliable judge...

So, anyone on here got a lovely second home in Barcelona region that they'd like to rent me? I cook and clean well.

Good for standing up for yourself! She sounds like a real cow.

Best of luck in finding a place.

Flatmate is giving me the silent treatment now.

I hope I don't have to wait long to get out of this place.

Get out ASAP. Can you check with work if anyone has a room or knows someone with a spare room to rent (as it's for a fixed time you might get someone who doesn't want a long term commitment to have a lodger but could do with a bit of extra cash between now and the summer), also see if anyone else in your building wants a flatmate (easy to move!).

Give her the silent treatment right back. You have done nothing wrong, try to stay cheerful. Put your favourite music on, make a meal you love, don't try to avoid the common areas. Give yourself a pychological boost and then start looking

Think I would be tempted to spray the flat with airfresher as they were smoking - literally the whole can! And let them know you can hear them having sex - in fact score them (low marks obviously!)

Sorry thats probably not very helpful but I wouldn;t let him chase you out of your home - whether you rent or not this is your home, he is the visitor. Don;t let him bully you.

Or, force her into conversations, ask direct questions she has to answer like "I'm making tea, would you like a cup? Was that a yes or a no?" deliver with a Glee style smile and 'super chipper' attitude (nothing more annoying that someone not being grumpy when you are doing your best sulk).

Really sorry to hear things have been so tough for you rosmarin, and now this has gone tits up

she is in thrall to this horrible man and is probably not acting in character. That's a shock but there it is.

I really hope something fabulous comes up for you.

Good point Lydia that can be very effective. As long as your roommate doesn't think you are trying to appease her.

Sending you best wishes and hope you are in a settled, comfortable environment soon.

Thanks for all of your messages, everyone.

I'm going to hopefully be meeting someone today for coffee - they might be able to offer me something. Fingers crossed please!

I decided this morning that for Lent, for the first time in my life, I'm going to give something up. I am going to give up negative thinking, which I'm very good at. That will make this whole moving thing much easier.

Except on Sundays when I'm going to be 'orrible.

Out of interest, how do people get so blinded by love that they are able to fall head first into the claws of very toxic people? Happens a lot.

They're being really selfish and rude. I'd want to leave as soon as possible. Just smile sweetly and wave goodbye while they rant and shout at you! :o Hope you find somewhere else soon :)

ah well, that's the mystery of domestic abuse. imo people who fall for this shit have a history of it ie primary experiences (parents, usually - it's all our fault!). It's something you have to learn about the hard way, unfortunately

Update:

Wow, things are really piling on top of me despite trying to maintain a positive attitude.

So I've found a place and after lots of IFs and maybes, it looks like I'll be able to move in in the next week.

I just need to get this out of my head so I can sleep properly. Here are the difficulties:

All eligible friends for moving help are away this weekend. I don't know how the cosmos managed this one... So is new flatmate. She will give me her keys but it's still going to be tricky as it's a new, unknown town, unknown flat etc. Also I have to cross my fingers that a painter will indeed honour his word and come on the Saturday to clear up a mould problem in the room. Then I have to wait for the paint to dry and air etc before moving stuff into room so it's going to be a move in parts, it seems.

I have to cross fingers that colleague with van can lend me van and help me drive it. She is pregnant and has toddler though so I simultaneously feel bad for asking for her free time and worry about her limitations and needs. Also this means I won't have any help with lifting because I wouldn't dream of asking her to move heavy stuff. Though I have a crappy back from all the stress, that's the line of least resistance right now.

Meanwhile back at old flat I want to get out soon because the situation is a bit crap and I don't want to have to niggle over paying current flatmate x many days of rent etc, or have the situation turn nastier.

If I wait for friends to return, the only feasible day to move is Monday so have to get that off work. On Thursday of next week an unknown guest is coming to visit. She is girlfriend of cousin and I offered her a place to stay if she ever decided to visit the city (recent arrival to the country too) but unfortunately(?) she took up my offer with gusto and booked four nights/five days for next week. It's not her fault but it's going to be one hell of a stress, not only having a guest but playing tour guide and not having a weekend to rest and get used to my new flat, before work again on Monday. As guests are no longer welcome in old flat I have to be out by then for sure, regardless of lack of help and transport.

And other developments have been a black spot on a molar (beginning of cavity?), a worsening impacted wisdom tooth and a stomach virus, all this week. The dental stuff will be looked at on Friday but the initial consultation will set me back ?70 (no NHS dental equiv here) and the earliest date for dental surgery appointment is... Yep, the Thursday that my guest arrives. I've been quoted anywhere between ?150 and ?300 for the main appointment.

I'm really, really trying to not let this overwhelm me but I can't help but wonder why my year abroad has been such a series of horrible tests. I've really noticed my health suffering which makes it all a lot harder to deal with, too.

I'm knackered and feel very alone with all of this.

you poor thing!

i would be tempted to get the monday off work so you have help. then the painter will have done his thing and the paint will be dry.

spend this weekend maybe moving small things in and organising your stuff so that it's all set for monday.

so sorry about your tooth and stomach bug. you really are having an awful time of it. but spring is in the air, your living situation is about to improve and this whole nightmare will soon be behind you.

Re this unknown guest coming to stay, - you may have offered them a place to stay, but that doesn't mean you have to give up your time to play the tour guide to this stranger. I know this is a very tough situation for you, - I think you might have to find a bit of extra toughness and tell this FOAF that you aren't able to give up your time to look after them.

Errrrmmm, can you move to a very different culture like Spain and expect them to respect your very English attitudes about smoking?

Wouldn't that be a bit like me moving into a British flat and insisting that they have to remove all carpets because in my country fitted carpets are considered gross?

cory - they had an agreement not to smoke. the flatmate is going back on this.

Cory I've lived in Spain for 6 years and not only is smoking in public places like bars and the like now illegal but the dangers of smoking are well publicised. Everyone in Spain does not smoke contrary to popular belief. And blaming people's rudeness on their "culture" is ridiculous.

The landlord agreed no smoking in communal area and has now gone back on that deal. That's got nothing to do with her being Spanish.

OP I'm in the Balearics but we have fb pages for buy/sell/swap etc could there be similar in your area where you could find someone to help you move? Good luck.