Or are they? Put me in my place or make me feel vindicated please.

[Rosmarin]

I am a student and I share a flat with a 38-year-old. Flat's in her name, I pay 40% but have paid extra the last two months to help her out, so it's about 50-50. Flat is openplan duplex. We both keep flat nice and tidy and pleasant and get along very well when just the two of us. She has a private bedroom, I have a balcony which overlooks the living area and have thin curtains for privacy, so perhaps shouldn't be paying as much as she has the better situation? She has ldr with fiance. He is visiting this weekend. They are both smokers. Fiance is in his 50s.

She normally smokes in her room or on the balcony. We live in Spain so the weather is lovely even now. I voiced my concerns after his last visit because he believes 'one should be able to smoke at home' and so smokes in ours. She and I agreed there would be no smoking in common areas (because it floats into my 'room').

He smoked yesterday and this morning, and after biting my tongue I finally asked him as politely as I could if he would smoke on the balcony. He just said 'we'll see'. She didn't say anything. She shortly thereafter shouted up to my balcony because I'd left crumbs on the table and then reeled off a list of things I do wrong as a co-sharer. I had a friend over and flatmate made it clear we weren't welcome in the flat, so we left. I stayed out all day to give everyone space. When I returned, the flat was smokey and their ashtray was full on the coffee table (shared area). My clothes etc are full of smoke. It just seems very spiteful and unpleasant, but I do have to live with her and they are making no indication of not smoking.

Apart from having a right not to inhale smoke, I don't like it on my clothes and bedclothes and my Mum died about 2 years ago from smoking-induced lung cancer so it's a fresh scar. She knows this.

AIBU to be really ? And if not, how do I make this situation liveable? He will be visiting again. Sorry for lengthy post...

Would shitting on her pillow help her understand?

I'm sorry I missed if she owns the flat or is just the only name on the rental lease. Is there a landlord other than her? If so, do they know you are even renting space in the flat? Can you speak to them if they do?

Ok, from what you have described, he will up the ante. Do not leave a note, he will probably stew about it and you will have unpleasant atmosphere to come home to.

Tomorrow, research alternative places while you are at work. If you think you can find an alternative place, and if it is smokey when you come back, pull your roomie aside and let her know you are moving out. Just say it simply, with no discussion. Say you are uncomfortable with the smoking and having her bf staying over.

She and her bf will probably turn aggressive, but she will be scared inside. Then either she will completely back down or they will try to intimidate you and do uncomfortable little things to pay you back.

If it is the latter and you move, make sure you have a friend to help you and for moral support. Don't give her any more notice of when you are leaving, just pack up, leave what ever you think you owe her and go to your hopefully more welcoming new home.

Best of luck!

suggest she swaps rooms with you if she is going to make it impossible to use your bedroom, would also mean you could have your friend round - which as someone paying half the rent you're absolutely entitled to

Okay, so I won't leave a note but when I get home tomorrow I'll lay out the situation. I'll be back on here tomorrow to update and perhaps seek more support, but I hope it doesn't turn nasty.

A possible nasty complication is that my cousin recently got in touch as his girlfriend has just moved to Spain from the states. I've never met her. I offered that if she ever wanted to visit where I am, she was more than welcome - somewhat inopportunely she booked flights right away and will be here for four nights at the beginning of March. I didn't anticipate her doing that but she seems like a sweet, if over-keen, girl so I don't actually mind in theory. But I think this will develop into a problem with the flatmate - it seems like 'the perfect storm'.

It's horrible feeling uncomfortable in your own home, especially as the only protection I have is this flimsy curtain. And it's the two of them 'against' me. Hmm..

Also, I wouldn't want to have her room. It reeks of stale fags, it's completely sodden with the smell. Eurgh.

Rosmarin, ah, really good that your cousin's girlfriend is coming.

I was a bit worried about the two against one thing. But if you have a friend staying with you, and an American girl at that, even better. If she is anything like my American university friends, she will be well aware of her 'rights' and not likely to be intimidated by these two.

Wish she was here tomorrow...not sure what to say to help you. Is there anyone else who can stay with you till she arrives?

And if your roommate objects to your having someone over, point out that she has her bf over. You are paying rent, you are not just a house guest.

If your clothes and bedding etc smell of smoke due to their smoking indoors then have these items dry cleaned and deduct the cost from rent monies due.

I'd also go back to paying the 40% agreed. You're helping her out money wise and she's treating you like this?

Let the Fiance help.

Horrible situation for you. Good luck.

He's pissing on his patch isn't he? My property. That poor woman is in for a rough ride with him.

but that's not your concern. I odn't think you can reason with her (definitely not him) as she has made it very clear where she stands (not in your corner).; She's taking the piss imo - you shouldn't even be paying 40% imo as you don't have a proper room. I have rented out rooms for years and there is no way I would charge someone for having a room that is not a room.

Can't quite work out why you have to stay there until June? Things are going to get much worse OP. You must move. Today. Or tomorrow..

I do sympathise with you OP and you should do your best to win her round re not smoking as per your agreement.

And learn for the future - don't move in with smokers! If you want to live in an actual smoke free house you need to live with non-smokers - no matter what a smoker might say to you (factoflife.com ) (I am ex-smoker)

YANBU - he is, she is, they are.

I'd also say you are perfectly entitled to have people over.

Wow that really is mental pissing up lampposts. Talk about marking out your territory, he'll be shitting in the corners next. What a catch.

I'd second/third moving out if it's possible

I've read all thse pists and yes, the first thought is that the OP should move out. Reading further though, it looks as if that's what the OP's room mate wants. She and her BF are trying to make life unpleasant for her so that she moves out before the wedding in June and the BF can move in.

When was 21 I was in unequal, stressful shared-living situation where older housemates pushed me around, I felt unhappy but wasn't til later that I realised how awful they'd been.

This guy sounds worse.

Now til june is a while, ask around, am sure someone will know someone with a private room within commuting distance of where you need to be.

Ignore any unfounded requests for money, eg bills to which you have allegedly not paid your share. As others have said, don't pay any more than 40%.

And you should absolutely have the random girl to stay, you have been paying a big share of the housing costs for some time and having an occasional guest should be fine. An "outsiders" view of things can also sometimes help.

YANBU

Here are my reasons to feel reticent to move:

My location is ideal and it's unlikely I'd find anything in such a good spot - close to train link to city and close to job (far out of city). This is only his second-ever visit. She will also be leaving in June to move to where he is (of course he wouldn't move to her!). I have my own furniture so would have to find a way to move it but don't have necessary furniture like fridge/freezer etc. Usually we have no problem when it's just flatmate and I - he calls a lot and is a jerk but he lives the other side of Spain so only bothers us in person occasionally. He will visit again next month when his grandchild will be born. However, I don't like him and he clearly doesn't like me so I have no interest in spending time in the same flat as him whether he's smoking or not. They also have very loud sex, so some nights I have to use earplugs just to get off to sleep... Aah, shared accommodation.

So with that in mind I will suggest the following:
When he next visits I will stay with a friend elsewhere (if I can, if it does not interrupt my working schedule - e.g. only at weekends). I will be out of the house and not have to deal with him and I can spend time with friends and the two of them can have the 'intimate time' flatmate was banging on about wanting yesterday (hence not wanting me to have friends) - and have all the loud shouty sex they want. I will tell her that I still expect the no-smoking agreement to be upheld and if the flat/my belongings are smokey when I return I will deduct rent, because I'm not paying ?350 in semi-rural Spain to have my only space invaded by him.

The question is, do I also say that I will deduct rent in any month that I stay away from flat? I mean, he only has one visit scheduled for now (probably will be more as he'll want to see grandchild...) but on the other hand, they'll get the flat to themselves and I'm not having use of my flat for that part of the month and eating out/at friends/transport. (E.g. deduct ?30 for each weekend he visits and I stay away). Or is that silly? Any ideas for a better, similar solution?

I prefer this because it means I don't have to move (if it gets worse I will move, but it's been fine up until this visit), I still maintain a position of 'power' because of the rent money and can stop them from smoking in the communal area whether I'm here or not. (As someone said, my soft furnishings are getting infused with tobacco smell and I'm planning to sell them in June when I move back to the UK. If I was a buyer I would not buy smokey soft-furnishings - mattresses etc).

In the meantime, if ever he's there, light a candle. That seems to get rid of cigarette smoke very well. I do sympathise. What a horrid situation for you. If you can hold out until June, that would definitely be better for you, but don't pay more than your 40% again.

OP although you moving out when he visits is an option, it's not ideal if he starts to visit more often. How about she goes to visit him instead?

As for the requirement for 'intimate' time, she has her own room so this does smack a bit of control on his part and desperation on hers. Maybe she/he was aware the dynamic would change when you also have a friend there and it does lesson the 2 against 1 thing they are doing. You also have a tricky situation as them being older seems to add to her/his entitlement.

I would suggest that you make it clear the smoking is a deal breaker,any more and you will deduct the cost of cleaning from the rent, you return to the 40% regardless and if you do feel you have to leave when he is there you also deduct the rent/share of costs whilst you are unable to be there.

Meanwhile it would still be a good idea to check out other places to rent as a backup, and also to make sure you know your alternatives before you make your conditions clear to your flatmate.

I don't think you do have any rights Rosmarin. The flat is in her name, not yours. She has chosen him and made it clear you are surplus to requirements - you are not wanted there any more. It is bizarre that you are thinking of staying somewhere else when he visits. Plus your stuff will reak of smoke after his visits. You have no rights and barely any status - please don't think you have any power because you don't. It's a vile situation but imo it's over, the relationship between you and her is over, your tenancy is over, you're done - she has made that clear. There may be difficulties with a move but you're going to have to do it. Or put up with this awful shit until June. That is a mighty long way away Rosmarin, it's not as if we're talking a few weeks here.

What a horrible situation for you.

I understand that you don't want to move but I am concerned that staying will make you very unhappy. It's not just the smoking, it's that they have not been very nice to you at all, and it sounds like a bit of a toxic situation. Living with people who are unkind to you can really grind you down.

Good luck to you. Hope you find some really lovely people to live with very soon.

remember your break-up thread, sorry that this has happened too, but hope you're feeling better more generally.

Perhaps if you don't feel able to move have a "plan B" in case things get really ugly and you need to move quickly.

Sorry my post was blunt btw Rosmarin. I'm just concerned for you re greenbananas post. I've also been around the block a bit and recognise this sort of situation. People can be vile and it's best to get out of their way as soon as you can xx

I know I don't have any 'rights' per se but she is somewhat depedent on my rent money because I think the flat and all expenses come to nearly her monthly salary. If I go she would only survive with his financial help and as yet she has not wanted to accept money from him. I've been looking at flats today but I'm so worn out with moving. When my Mum died a whole series of things were triggered into change and I've moved house/packed house/packed up a life 10 times in under 3 years. Some of that is to be expected as a student but it's a lot for me. As Dozer mentioned (hello!) I'm in post break-up epoch so just feel a bit kicked in the guts by life at the moment. Hmm.

But on the other hand, the trust has gone between us and I don't have her support on things like the smoking and nor do I trust what she might promise. He's either on the phone every night poisoning the situation or there in person. I'm also not good with grudges - or not a grudge exactly, but mistrust and I protect myself by cutting off and not being friendly. And that's not a nice way to feel. Equally, since the conflict my back pain has returned and I'm sure that's due to the stress.

This has been a hard year abroad. Isn't it all supposed to be party/booze/tans?

I guess the first thing is to talk to her once he leaves. Hopefully he's leaving tonight.

i dont think youre being unreasonable, but i dont think id move over it either for the sake of a few months and if its only the occasional visit.
Its rude of him to smoke in the house when you dont like it, but id probably overlook it if everything else about the situation was ok

Poor you

It seems you have been through a horrible time, and can totally understand that you need a break from all this stress!

I do agree with others that the best option is to move out. He might be the biggest issue, but she seems manipulative and greedy too. Just not as openly confrontational as him.

A suggestion when you talk with her. Start by telling her that she has let you down, and that while you understand that BOTH of you are entitled to have guests over, they need to follow house rules. Her bf and her attitude in allowing him to smoke inside have made you very uncomfortable. So, you are going to pay rent on a daily basis, till you find a new place. And btw, you are going to have a friend stay for a few days, sure she won't mind given that her bf has been staying over too.

Take it from there, and see how it goes, don't pay for a month upfront, as then you will be tied in. This will keep her on her toes and hopefully good behaviour, if she needs the money. I am assuming you haven't given a deposit?

Take care and all the best. xx