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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For HATING my boyfriend sleeping over at mine?

75 replies

HaggeredNurse · 18/02/2012 20:32

Whenever my boyfriend sleeps at my house I get next to no sleep. He is up and down all night, faffing with bog trips, going down to get a drink, faffing with his phone etc it's REALLY taking the piss now. I have told him before that he keeps me awake and it's really not fair but he says he can't help needing the toilet etc but it's not just that. The last time he was here we went to bed at 11ish. I was shattered. I dropped off to sleep about 11.30ish and was awoken suddenly at 11.45 by him saying loudly "did you hear that?? I think it was a fox!" I hadn't heard it because I WAS asleep. I dropped back asleep, 12am he says "there it is again!" and woke me up. I tell him "please stop talking now, you keep waking me up and I'm really tired." he apologised.
1am I am woken up by him getting up to go to toilet. I drop off back to sleep and an awoken a few minutes later by him getting back into bed absolutely freezing. I eventually go back to sleep, 2.30 I am awoken by him getting up to get a drink and then again at 3.30 by him going back to toilet. I am then awoken again at 4.45 by him "checking" his phone and finally I am awoken at 6.30 by him saying he's getting a drink, do I want one. Lovely sunday morning potential lie-in shattered.
Last week I worked long hours and was REALLY looking forward to the weekend for a good sleep and a lie in. Last night we went out and he asked if he could stay at mine to save faffing with a taxi home. I agreed on the promise that he wouldn't keep me awake.

We went to bed at 12. At 2am I was woken up by him getting up to go to toilet and then again 5 minutes later by him getting back into bed. 3.30am I am awoken by him saying "are you awake?" I ignore him and drift back to sleep only to be woken up at 4.45 by him rattling keys in his jeans pocket. I snapped "what the fuck are you doing now??? can you PLEASE keep the noise down" and he whispered "sorry". I did not get back to sleep after this.

He's due to sleep over again next weekend. AIBU to tell him that actually, it's not worth the lack of sleep?

OP posts:
ujjayi · 18/02/2012 20:34

YANBU. Lack of sleep for any reason is awful to deal with.

For the sake of your relationship I think you need to have a chat :)

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 18/02/2012 20:35

YANBU at all. I couldn't stand having my night's sleep broken up like that. Have you been together long?

Original poster
HaggeredNurse · 18/02/2012 20:37

I have tried, this has been going on two years now. I told him the lack of sleep is no good for him either. It's not normal for an adult to need the toilet 2/3 times a night. It's not normal to shout out about foxes/owls etc when you know the person next to you is trying to sleep. He says he's sorry and I think he does try and be quiet when going to toilet etc but it ALWAYS wakes me up and I've really had enough. I'd rather sleep alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
HaggeredNurse · 18/02/2012 20:38

What makes matters worse is that I am an insomniac so the times when I CAN sleep really need to be cherished. It's making me really resentful.

OP posts:
IHaveAFeatureWallAndILikeIt · 18/02/2012 20:38

Is this relationship worth it? If you moved in together you would have that EVERY night!

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 18/02/2012 20:38

You've had 2 years of this crap? You deserve a bloody medal. I'd have stood 2 nights of it.

NatashaBee · 18/02/2012 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FannyFifer · 18/02/2012 20:39

He sounds like a fucking knob.

Original poster
HaggeredNurse · 18/02/2012 20:39

This is one reason I won't move in with him. In my job I would be putting other people at risk if I was permanently exhausted and I'm not wrecking my career for him.

OP posts:
cardibach · 18/02/2012 20:40

I would always prefer to sleep alone, so may not be the best person to ask! However, I think I agree it is not is fault that he needs the toilet (if it is really frequent, perhaps encourage a GP visit?). THe rest, though, is ridiculous. DO you have a spare room/sofa?

SnapesMistress · 18/02/2012 20:42

I had a ONS once with a bloke who was gorgeous, AMAZING in bed and really lovely to boot.

I chose not to see him again because of his godawful snoring, no matter how great he was I was not willing to compromise my sleep.

If DP ever started snoring properly or acting like this guy he would be sleeping on the sofa until it was fixed. I will not tolerate it.

OP you are a bloody saint for putting up with it this long

Original poster
HaggeredNurse · 18/02/2012 20:42

He says he's tried allsorts. He doesn't drink coffee after 4pm for example but he says he's always slept like this. I know he had bedwetting problems up to the age of 14 so perhaps he became used to never sleeping properly in a bid to stop the bedwetting but he's now almost 40. Last night I became absolutely livid when he woke me up rattling his jeans pocket and then 5 minutes later he was fast asleep leaving me wide awake for the rest of the night (or morning)

OP posts:
SnapesMistress · 18/02/2012 20:43

BTW one if my ex's had trouble sleeping and used to sleep every other night, it sorted him out so that he could actually sleep on the nights he chose to rather than never. Might be an option for him?

MsMarple · 18/02/2012 20:45

Hmm, I guess after 2 years he must have other redeeming features?

I second the sofa bed/cushions on the living room floor solution - sleep deprivation is miserable!

happydotcom · 18/02/2012 20:46

YANBU.
My DH and I sleep in different rooms - I love it! It started initially after DS was born and I moved into the spare room with DS besides me in his moses basket. Six months later, DS is in his own room and own cot and I stay in spare room!!

No more of DH's snoring, night time snacks , toilet trips .....quality sleep for me :o

It hasn't effected our sex life and I love reading before going to sleep so I don't disturb anyone with the light on.

Sleep alone. It works for us.

DaisyAndConfused · 18/02/2012 20:49

Unromantic I know but have you thought of just sleeping in separate rooms? I know lots of couples who are happy but are incompatible when it comes to sleep.

My DH is terrible at sleeping - awake a lot, up and down etc but I am able to sleep through it all or go back to sleep really quickly if woken. That said if one of us needed a completely undisturbed night we sometimes take ourselves off to the spare room.

nocake · 18/02/2012 20:49

How does he manage on so little sleep? Has he considered getting some help so he can learn to sleep through without having to get up?

TBH I would make it a condition of a continuing relationship and it is likely to help him as well.

DaisyAndConfused · 18/02/2012 20:50

x post with happy - what she said.

SecretMinceRinser · 18/02/2012 20:52

You need to tell him to what extent he is pissing you off. He needs to stop checking his phone at night - it can wait til morning. I'm sure if it was an emergency someone would call not text. He also needs to stop waking you chatting. And he needs to stop drinking so much late in the day and or/get his bladder checked out with the gp - the only time I've needed to use the loo at night was when I was pregnant and it's very rare my 4 yo goes after bedtime - 3 times for an adult is a lot.
Tell him if he continues he will have to go on the sofa.

Proudnscary · 18/02/2012 20:54

Can I just say FannyFifer's post made me quite literally LOL

upahill · 18/02/2012 20:54

I'd be getting a new boyfriend if it were me!

LizzieMo · 18/02/2012 20:55

Why does he need to check his phone or rattle his keys in the night??? Can he not get a drink and put it on the bedside table so he does not need to get up when he is thirsty?? I don't think he can really help the toilet thing but he needs to do it more quietly. Perhaps you should say no to his staying over for a few weeks and explian why. Let him try again when he has learned to be more considerate.

SecretMinceRinser · 18/02/2012 20:56

X-posted. Even if he can't help his own sleep being disturbed it is selfish of him to keep disturbing you. Can't he get a book light and read if he can't sleep?

Pascha · 18/02/2012 20:58

But rattling his jeans pocket is not the action of someone trying to keep the noise down is it? Loo trips are excusable but buggering about with phones and keys in pockets really isn't.

twooter · 18/02/2012 20:58

I also wondered about his health - urinating alot and drinking a lot - could need investigating?