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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For HATING my boyfriend sleeping over at mine?

75 replies

HaggeredNurse · 18/02/2012 20:32

Whenever my boyfriend sleeps at my house I get next to no sleep. He is up and down all night, faffing with bog trips, going down to get a drink, faffing with his phone etc it's REALLY taking the piss now. I have told him before that he keeps me awake and it's really not fair but he says he can't help needing the toilet etc but it's not just that. The last time he was here we went to bed at 11ish. I was shattered. I dropped off to sleep about 11.30ish and was awoken suddenly at 11.45 by him saying loudly "did you hear that?? I think it was a fox!" I hadn't heard it because I WAS asleep. I dropped back asleep, 12am he says "there it is again!" and woke me up. I tell him "please stop talking now, you keep waking me up and I'm really tired." he apologised.
1am I am woken up by him getting up to go to toilet. I drop off back to sleep and an awoken a few minutes later by him getting back into bed absolutely freezing. I eventually go back to sleep, 2.30 I am awoken by him getting up to get a drink and then again at 3.30 by him going back to toilet. I am then awoken again at 4.45 by him "checking" his phone and finally I am awoken at 6.30 by him saying he's getting a drink, do I want one. Lovely sunday morning potential lie-in shattered.
Last week I worked long hours and was REALLY looking forward to the weekend for a good sleep and a lie in. Last night we went out and he asked if he could stay at mine to save faffing with a taxi home. I agreed on the promise that he wouldn't keep me awake.

We went to bed at 12. At 2am I was woken up by him getting up to go to toilet and then again 5 minutes later by him getting back into bed. 3.30am I am awoken by him saying "are you awake?" I ignore him and drift back to sleep only to be woken up at 4.45 by him rattling keys in his jeans pocket. I snapped "what the fuck are you doing now??? can you PLEASE keep the noise down" and he whispered "sorry". I did not get back to sleep after this.

He's due to sleep over again next weekend. AIBU to tell him that actually, it's not worth the lack of sleep?

OP posts:

iscream · 19/02/2012 09:08

Your boyfriend needs his own room or to sleep on the couch. Married people (or shacked up people) need not actually have the same bedroom to have a sex life. Separate bedrooms can save a marriage. By all means get a place with him if that is all that is stopping you, but make sure there are separate bedrooms.

Pseudo341 · 19/02/2012 09:42

It's dawned on me I wasn't clear about the reason for my waking. I don't wake up because I need the loo, I simply wake at the shallow end of my sleep cycle, approximately every two hours, and then having woken find I need the loo as most people do when they wake in the morning, and if I don't go to the loo I'll be unable to get back to sleep as I'll be uncomfortable. Could be your boyfriend's doing the same? Ask him if he's up every 2 hours, it could be he's waking a lot more than you think and you don't actually wake every time. While it's clearly annoying the hell out of you do try and have a bit of sympathy, at least you get to sleep when he's not there, he doens't get to sleep at all from the sound of it, and speaking from experience I can tell you that really sucks.

DinahMoHum · 19/02/2012 09:50

if he keeps you awake all night, then maybe best he doesnt stay over.

solidgoldbrass · 19/02/2012 10:11

Hmm. How is the rest of the relationship, OP? Because quite a lot of what he is doing sounds pretty deliberate (the shouting about foxes, playing with the phone, rattling the keys.) And repeatedly waking someone up can be an abuse indicator. If it was just the toileting, surely a man who loves you would be making major efforts to go to the loo quietly, with minimal disturbance. The fact is he seems to be doing FUCK ALL to minimize the effect on you, which is at the least extrememly selfish and if you have had two years of it with him making no effort to improve it sounds frankly as though he is getting something out of it that he is reluctant to give up.

MadameOvary · 19/02/2012 10:23

He sounds incredibly needy and asking "Are you awake" at 3.30am is so selfish i would have screamed at him in your shoes. There are definitely issues here OP.

DinahMoHum · 19/02/2012 10:30

its horrible to be an insomniac, but its incredibly weird and pretty nasty actually that he keeps trying to wake you up

Pseudo341 · 19/02/2012 10:36

He's not abusive for fucks sake, he just can't sleep. It can be hard lying awake in the dark being quiet when you want to reach out to the person next to you. Fiddling with phone and keys is because he can't sleep. Thank goodness my DH is a heavy sleeper, I didn't realize I was abusive and controlling aswel as unable to sleep.

solidgoldbrass · 19/02/2012 11:51

Pseudo: if you can't sleep isn't it more considerate to go and fanny around in another room rather than fidgeting and farting about and disturbing the other person? I appreciate that insomnia is horrible but it doesn;t give you a free pass to keep someone else awake, and the fact that this man is quite clearly deliberately waking the OP, repeatedly, is what made me ask about the possibility of abuse.

HardCheese · 19/02/2012 12:02

I agree he should get his prostate checked and possibly be looked at for diabetes, but you also mention him getting up to get a drink in the middle of the night several times - can he not get his daily fluids in rather earlier, to minimise unecessary loo trips, if there's no other physical reason? Or keep a glass of water on the bedsde table, if he really needs to drink in the middle of the night? The key-rattling and phone-checking is absolutely inexcusable, and selfish. I have insomniac tendencies myself - and at eight months pregnant I often need to make a single loo trip in the night, but I minimise any disturbance to my partner.

Pseudo341 · 19/02/2012 13:04

I don't imagine he's doing it maliciously, if you're lying awake and hear the other person stir it's easy to asume they're awake and say something without realising that they're actually just moving in their sleep and wouldn't have woken if you kept quiet. OP needs to sit him down and explain just how much of a problem this is for her, I think he just doesn't get it, and screaming at him at 3am isn't going to help, it needs to be a calm discussion in the daytime, followed by screaming at 3am if the rational discussion doesn't work. If he really is that figety then maybe separate rooms is the answer. I hadn't realised just how lucky I am that DH is a heavy sleeper, most of the time when I ask him if he's awake he's not so that's the end of it. I'm honestly not mean or abusive, or selfish, or any of the several other things this guy's been called, it's just that it's such a lonely business when you can't sleep.

didldidi · 19/02/2012 13:10

but Pseudo - why do you need to know if he's awake? so you can keep him awake a bit longer by starting a conversation or something?

Pseudo341 · 19/02/2012 13:23

Not at all, just to know that you're not suffering alone, if you're lying awake for ages and think the person next to you is too it's rather tempting to check. If DH is awake the general conversation is along the lines of "I can't sleep", "me neither", and then back to silence, but nice comforting mutual can't sleep silence, and then he falls asleep before me. Of course if you get it wrong and they wake as a result then you need to resist the temptation, which obviously you would learn to do in a long term live in relationship but might not have got the hang of yet if you're still at the occasional sleep over stage.

Longdistance · 19/02/2012 13:26

Dump him in2 a spare room or sofa. My dh sometimes snores, he gets kicked out when he keeps me awake. He understands, seen as when I've been kept awake I'm a grumpy bitch, and he gets it in the neck the rest of the day! He's learnt fast. But, I think ur partner needs 2 spk 2 someone about his sleep problems. Of course he's going 2 the loo loads, he drinks through the nite (probably out of habit).

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/02/2012 18:00

as he keeps drinking , he then needs the loo - tell him to get checked out at the gp's

phone checking/key rattling etc is inexcusable and rude and inconsiderate - im assuming he must be fab in bed as why else would you stay with him

tho you do sound a very light sleeper if you wake when he gets up each time -maybe try ear plugs

roses2 · 19/02/2012 18:19

Seperate duvets is the trick

evansthebread · 19/02/2012 22:37

Sleep deprivation is a well-known method of torture. I think it should also be a legitimate excuse for murder!

Next time he's over and you don't need to get up early the next day, use your insomnia to its advantage and keep him awake all night with up/down/key rattling/phone fiddling/random conversation. When he feels like shit in the morning, remind him you have to live with it on a daily basis and don't need any help from him!

Freshlettice · 19/02/2012 23:15

Sorry, but agree with up thread, he's a knob.
Yes, fine, get up for a wee, put a glass of water on his bedside table (I do both of those and so does DH, but checking phone at 4am? FFS!
Anything other than loo or drink, small child or emergency IS TOTALLY UNREASONABLE. (Note no abbreviations there).
Sort him out. Now. (are you listening DH, with your heavy gurgly breathing. Grrrr) .

landrover · 20/02/2012 10:09

bump want to know whats happening?

NorksAreMessy · 20/02/2012 10:22

Michael macintyre says there are two reasons to wake your partner. A celebrity has died, or it has snowed!

DH and I have had separate beds for 20 of the 23 years we have been married, for snoring, reading, mismatched bedtimes, loo trips, insomnia and size difference reasons. It is bliss, and I am sure we would NOT still be married if we had shared a bed all that time

zipzap · 20/02/2012 11:09

Loo is one thing - yes he should get checked out by gp but it's something that some people need.

But it's the other stuff that would get me - who needs to check their phone or jingle their keys or even wake their partner at half six. Thoughtless - and more so because it's not a one off but he's done it for years now with no sign of stopping.

You do need to kick him out of bed - make sure there is a blanket/duvet and pillow ready on the sofa or spare bed so you can either send him there at the start of the night or in the middle once he has woken you up. The more you complain but don't do anything to make him suffer from his behaviour the less he is going to see that there is a problem and he's not going to be inclined to change his behaviour.

As a start, the next time he wakes you up and leaves you awake but goes back to sleep himself, I definitely think you should be waking him every few minutes to ask him what the time/weather is, what hes dreaming about, what that noise is (him sleeping probably :o), etc etc

See how much he likes being woken up regularly and insistently about trivial things when he would naturally be asleep and see how he likes it!

Sidge · 20/02/2012 11:20

Is he 3?

He needs to grow up a bit. He's inconsiderate and selfish and I'd be telling him to sleep elsewhere.

(Or I'd grind some Temazepam into his bedtime Horlicks...)

landrover · 22/02/2012 13:33

Any news?

iscream · 25/02/2012 04:52

I know Sidge was joking, but she/he has a point. Has he ever tried taking Melatonin ? it is a natural sleep aid. I know several people who either take it or their kids do. My son (adult ) will take one if he has to sleep and can't.

WMDinthekitchen · 25/02/2012 05:10

I dream about getting enough sleep. I am an insomniac. I go to the loo a couple of times a night, read in the night and MN quite often. I know I would be a nightmare as a bed sharer. Fortunately the problem doesn't arise as no-one is interested. I would have to lie still and awake for hours on end and don't think I could do it. Maybe your bf does need to see his GP about needing the loo and about his disturbed sleep. As to the other stuff such as rattling coins and talking about foxes, every time he does it just ask him to leave even if it is 3am.

WMDinthekitchen · 25/02/2012 05:11

Or have sex with him and ask him to leave straight afterwards. Hope you get it sorted!

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