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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For HATING my boyfriend sleeping over at mine?

75 replies

HaggeredNurse · 18/02/2012 20:32

Whenever my boyfriend sleeps at my house I get next to no sleep. He is up and down all night, faffing with bog trips, going down to get a drink, faffing with his phone etc it's REALLY taking the piss now. I have told him before that he keeps me awake and it's really not fair but he says he can't help needing the toilet etc but it's not just that. The last time he was here we went to bed at 11ish. I was shattered. I dropped off to sleep about 11.30ish and was awoken suddenly at 11.45 by him saying loudly "did you hear that?? I think it was a fox!" I hadn't heard it because I WAS asleep. I dropped back asleep, 12am he says "there it is again!" and woke me up. I tell him "please stop talking now, you keep waking me up and I'm really tired." he apologised.
1am I am woken up by him getting up to go to toilet. I drop off back to sleep and an awoken a few minutes later by him getting back into bed absolutely freezing. I eventually go back to sleep, 2.30 I am awoken by him getting up to get a drink and then again at 3.30 by him going back to toilet. I am then awoken again at 4.45 by him "checking" his phone and finally I am awoken at 6.30 by him saying he's getting a drink, do I want one. Lovely sunday morning potential lie-in shattered.
Last week I worked long hours and was REALLY looking forward to the weekend for a good sleep and a lie in. Last night we went out and he asked if he could stay at mine to save faffing with a taxi home. I agreed on the promise that he wouldn't keep me awake.

We went to bed at 12. At 2am I was woken up by him getting up to go to toilet and then again 5 minutes later by him getting back into bed. 3.30am I am awoken by him saying "are you awake?" I ignore him and drift back to sleep only to be woken up at 4.45 by him rattling keys in his jeans pocket. I snapped "what the fuck are you doing now??? can you PLEASE keep the noise down" and he whispered "sorry". I did not get back to sleep after this.

He's due to sleep over again next weekend. AIBU to tell him that actually, it's not worth the lack of sleep?

OP posts:
BreadForMyBREADGUN · 18/02/2012 20:59

OP - is he bipolar or potentially have diabetes?

flibbertywidget · 18/02/2012 21:00

how does he sleep at his house? - does he sleep better or worse or same?

Have to say, unless he has other redeeming features, I cannot say this one sounds like a keeper.

my DH snores, badly, between him and dog - who snores worse and I can hear her from downstairs. I have now invested in earplugs

IDoNotLIKEFun · 18/02/2012 21:03

Sounds like he would be ace at coping with a newborn! Wouldn't want to stay with such an inconsiderate bloke though.

perplexedpirate · 18/02/2012 21:04

My exBF once woke me up to ask me the time. It was 6.30 on a Sunday morning.
Can I reiterate he is exBF. Angry

kodachrome · 18/02/2012 21:05

Yanbu

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 18/02/2012 21:06

Bloody hell. That would drive me mad. Have you asked him why he's up and down so much? I agree that separate rooms are the way forward if he's otherwise lovely.

dreamingbohemian · 18/02/2012 21:07

If he is lovely in every other way, then I'd suggest 1) earplugs for you, or 2) sleeping in separate rooms.

But tbh if you've told him the problem and he still does things like rattling keys, checking phone, then either he has no consideration for you at all or there is something seriously odd about him. How much do you want to keep him?

stripeyZ · 18/02/2012 21:07

I used to have a boyfriend like this. Spent all bloody night talking & waking me up constantly because he had difficultly sleeping. Used to drive me nuts. When I got annoyed he would say I was the unreasonable one Hmm

We were together 5 years before I realised it was part of an over all pattern of him bring a selfish, childish knob.

My DH goes out if his way not to wake me. He even folds the duvet a special way to cause the least disturbance! Bless him.

Get rid OP & find yourself a duvet folder Grin

piprabbit · 18/02/2012 21:10

First, he needs to visit the GP to rule out medical problems.
Second, he needs to help you buy some sort of temporary bed that he can use when staying over (in a separate room).
Third, he needs to understand that once you are asleep you're are not to be disturbed unless the house is actually on fire.

If he can't/won't do any of these things, I'd be calling it a day.

ZuzuBailey · 18/02/2012 21:10

He sounds as though he can't do without your attention for more than a few hours. Is he like this during the day?

Very inconsiderate.

toddlerama · 18/02/2012 21:15

Next time he faffs with something stupid (fox alert/keys/phone) tell him to leave there and then. He has to go home or to your couch. No matter what time. He'll realise you mean it.

skybluepearl · 18/02/2012 21:50

Next time he wakes you up due to keys/phone - he has to leave and go home or go sleep on the sofa. Tell him thats the way it is.

Next - he should avoid coffee/tea after midday. Also have no drinks at all past tea time - or only one beer.

He should see his GPas it's not normal

You need to get ear plugs and an eye mask

YellowDinosaur · 18/02/2012 22:02

He needs to realise quite the extent to which this is fucking you off. Most of what he is disturbing you with can be avoided with a little planning and consideration.

So he puts a drink by the bed to have during the night and he doesn't play with his phone or anything else or talk to you once the light is out unless its a genuine emergency.

The toilet thing is not his fault but if its disturbing you when you remove the rest of the disturbances above you could say that once he's got up to go to the toilet he stays in the spare room / sofa for the rest of the night.

Only you know though whether this behaviour is part of a general selfishness or just an isolated issue. If its the former I'd tell him to get lost tbh.

ChaoticAngel · 18/02/2012 22:03

OP you're a saint. I'd have been incarcerated for murder by now.

He needs to go to the GP to check out the constant need for the toilet at night. The rest of it he needs to learn to be more considerate, if he can't then I'd be rethinking the relationship.

JamRagRolyPoly · 18/02/2012 22:03

Stay awake, wait for him to fall into a deep sleep then start rattling keys by his head, repeat x2 and see how he likes it. Twat.

MyNameIsntFUCKINGWarren · 18/02/2012 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nagoo · 18/02/2012 22:08

Rofl @ rattling keys next to his head.

YANBU. He does sound like a knobber.

Imagine marrying the fucker. Shock

I hope you can afford a big house OP!

LifeIsButtercream · 18/02/2012 22:12

YASOOOOOONBU!

And I'm actually really relieved as I've been feeling guilty for a similar reason! I'm the world's lightest sleeper, I'm too used to having a double bed to myself, I really struggle to get comfy for several reasons and I LOVE my personal space - whenever my partner comes to stay overnight his bed hogging taking up of 'my' space, wanting to wrap round me, pushing me off the side of the bed, snoring etc etc means that within minutes of him falling asleep I sneak into the back bedroom with my pillow and sleep on the airbed - I know that makes me sound like the ice-maiden! We have lots of affectionate contact during waking hours, but just having someone in my personal space at night keeps me awake!

I wouldn't tolerate his behaviour if I were you, some of the disturbance is not necessary at all, I do sympathise with him a little as I tend towards the insomniac end of the scale and it is frustrating, but I wouldn't dream of intentionally keeping someone else awake!

Catsdontcare · 18/02/2012 22:13

I think the next time he wakes you up you need to go nuclear on him and scare the crap out of him with a psychotic rage! Honestly I could not put up with this!

Goldenbear · 18/02/2012 22:32

It doesn't sound ideal but I'd swap with you in a flash at the moment, you should try getting up at these times, feed someone, return to your bed after 30 minutes only to have another little person wake you up because they are scared! I would be in heaven at this moment in time if I just had to wake because of someone else but just had to lie in my warm bed telling them to shut up, all the while not moving an inch! I'm not kidding this would be bliss!

DefiniteMaybe · 18/02/2012 22:41

I feel your pain goldenbear just hoping it gets easier. Although I have the feeding and the scaredness and the childish knob who won't go to sleep at a reasonable hour and stay asleep without pissing about

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 18/02/2012 23:07

Really Golden? I get woken up every hour or so by LO, but I don't mind that because he's six months old and doesn't know any better! The OP's partner is almost 40...

OkayGrrl · 18/02/2012 23:22

The toilet thing is understandable but the rest is just rude, what is the point in him sleeping at your house if he doesn't actually sleep?

GoingForGoalWeight · 19/02/2012 00:02

TWO YEARS?

Seperate beds after sex..You need a medal :)

Pseudo341 · 19/02/2012 08:58

WTF? I have just informed DH he should leave me since I'm clearly such an inconsiderate twat with some kind of serious undiagnosed health problem. I'm up pretty much ever two hours through the night to go to the loo, have been for over a decade. Thankfully DH is a heavy sleeper and is generally oblivious to the whole thing, I frequently crash into his feet sticking out the end of the bed on the way to the loo but he never notices.

Rattling keys and discussing foxes I think you can complain about, but calling him a knob for needing the loo in the night is harsh. You need to come to some kind of arrangement though, sit him down and explain how much of a problem it is for you and ask him to try to be a bit more quiet about getting in and out of bed. If you've got a standard double it really could help to get a bigger bed, preferably a super king if you've got room for it, that way you should be less aware of his presence on the other side of your massive bed and hopefully less disturbed by his comings and goings.

I do understand sleep is important, having not slept properly in years believe me I understand, but if everything else in the relationship is good I think this is something worth trying to find a solution to rather than just avoiding, if you can't spend the night together comfortably it's going to affect your chances of the relationship working long term.