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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ganging up?

69 replies

LJxx · 18/02/2012 15:10

Hello I'm new here so forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong place.

Just wanted some unbiased opinions..

My partner ( of 3 years) has a daughter who is 11 from a previous relationship. I have a daughter who's is 9 from a previous relationship.

The children get on fabulously and we have so much fun together.

We have my bfs daughter for nearly every school holiday and occasional weekends (we live down south and his daughter lives with her mum up north)

For about a year I've noticed that they occasionally gang up on my daughter and will laugh at her, its never anything major but my poor daughter puts on a brave face in front of them and then cries to me after.

My bf isn't malicious in anyway but he should know better then to do this. I'm not sure I'd he'string to be a cool dad and have a laugh with his daughter and make her laugh etc.

I've told him before that having a laugh at my daughter expensive is a very very wrong way to gain his daughters affection. Also they seem to forget that my daughter is 2 years younger.

It seems to be blowing up into a row every holiday between me and my partner and I wish he would stop, he thinks I'm exaggerating.. am I? What do u lot think? Would live some opinions!

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 18/02/2012 15:15

In what way do they laugh at her?

GlitterySkulls · 18/02/2012 17:01

next time he does it, slag him off, pick at his faults, make a fool out of him. when he gets arsey, point out that he does the same thing to a 9 year old CHILD.

should hammer the point home.

Original poster

LJxx · 18/02/2012 17:18

The last time they did it, my daughter had put a little bit of eye shadow on. We didn't even notice till we was out in daylight and my bf asked what was on her face then they both started sniggering at her until my big saw my face was like thunder, then he started back tracking and saying it looked nice. But the damage was already done and my daughter discreetly went to the toilets and rubbed it off.

Like I said its not MAJOR stuff and I know my daughter is sensitive but I still don't think there's any excuse for it.

OP posts:

GlitterySkulls · 18/02/2012 17:23

he sounds like a dick- bet he wouldn't like you sniggering at his DD. (which obviously, you wouldn't do, as you're not a dick)

tell him to grow up & stop picking on little girls.

it may not be "major stuff" but it could harm her self-esteem.

what's his weak spots- paunch, bald spot, etc?

izzyizin · 18/02/2012 17:24

Does he tease your dd when his isn't around?

With regard to the incident you've mentioned, when he asked what was on her face couldn't you have stepped in by saying 'Looks like eyeshadow and it looks lovely, darling' to your dd before they started sniggering?

ISayHolmes · 18/02/2012 17:25

It's nasty and IMO it's bullying :( and it's coming from people very close to her who should be in no way or form treating her like this, especially your partner. The fact that she tries to be strong and then cries to you about it afterwards speaks volumes.

It's so wrong of your partner to be joining in and it must be hurting your daughter terribly to have an adult who is very close to her mother treating her like this. She may be very confused and not know what to do or say about this, so it's up to you to do something about it. It's not right that your bf views her as an acceptable target.

I know I may say sound dramatic but teasing like this can really wear a child's self-esteem down.

valiumredhead · 18/02/2012 17:27

Ohcnot nice at all but as izzy says I think you need to step in and stick up for her and make it very clear this isn't on!

ChaoticAngel · 18/02/2012 17:38

Ask him why a supposedly mature (yeah, right ) adult thinks it's okay to pick on a child.

Original poster

LJxx · 18/02/2012 19:05

I'm glad u all agree. I thought I was being a drama queen.

He's completely brilliant with normally and he honestly is an exceptional father APART from this.

I have had it out with him in the past and he's always pretty upset that he's done it cause half the time I don't think he realises he's done it until its too late. He's very passive so this behaviour isn't really like him.

Anyway, we've just been to pick his daughter up as she is staying with us for a week and I had a talk to him before we left and told him to watch what he says etc. So we'll see what happens.

If it carries on tho, what would u honestly do? Don't say kick him out because he doesn't deserve that. But how do u put warnings and threats into action in these situations? Do I refuse to have his daughter round till he fixes up?

Honestly I know I've painted a pretty bad picture. I feel bad lol but need to sort this crap out.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 18/02/2012 19:07

Some families tease each other a lot, we do although not to the point of tears, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it's not on.

OkayGrrl · 18/02/2012 19:12

Having a laugh at the expense of a child is not good especially when it upsets her. He should lay off.

trustissues75 · 18/02/2012 19:17

Why are you with this man?

valiumredhead · 18/02/2012 19:18

And actually imo he needs to tread very carefully as he is your partner OP not her father! My step dad used to take it upon himself to tell me off ( not quite the same ) but I was not happy that my mum allowed it to happen. Your dd needs to know that you do not condone this behaviour and a quick "Oi back off, she looks lovely with her eyes made up like that!" will hopefully get the message across! You need to make it really clear you are on your dd's 'side' for want of a better phrase.

FabbyChic · 18/02/2012 19:25

its bullying, pure and simple, and if he does it again refuse to have his daughter at yours until it is resolved.

valiumredhead · 18/02/2012 19:28

fabby! Where have you been?? - you disappeared for a while

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 18/02/2012 19:31

OP I grew up in a family where 'teasing' was the norm. I seemed to be the butt of most of it.
My family were loving and not at all abusive. They thought it was all a bit of fun.

But it wasnt. It affected me dreadfully. I grew up with zero self esteem and became spikey and defensive.

My mother would do things like buy me a pretty dress then get me to try it on. The family would then laugh at me trying to look like a 'girl'. If I cried they would get annoyed with me for not 'being able to take a joke'

I remember it as being almost constant (although it probably wasnt).

I am pretty sure your OH doesnt realise what he is doing but he needs to be told. I would calmly explain to him that it is really upsetting your DD. He will probably bluster and protest that its only a laugh. You need to be very firm that it is NOT funny and it needs to stop.

Be prepared for the 'oh right I suppose we cant have a joke now then' type comments. Just stay firm and stick to your guns.

I like a laugh and I dont take myself too seriously but I will NOT have any teasing in my house. I think it is cruel and unecessary.

Sometimes people just need these things pointing out to them. If he is a nice man he will get it.

FabbyChic · 18/02/2012 19:31

Hi. I just been on my dating site! ha ha

valiumredhead · 18/02/2012 19:32

Ooooo any luck fabby?

runningwilde · 18/02/2012 19:32

Why are you asking for opinions if you dot want us to say 'kick him out' and what's with the lol's?! This is awful and serious - he should NOT ever doing this. And it is not his daughter who you need to worry about as much as him. He needs to understand you will NOT put up with this or your relationship ends. Start taking this seriously and tell him no more or it ends between you.

runningwilde · 18/02/2012 19:35

Ello fabby! Some tool called you names on another thread so I reported her! No one calls fabby names!

FabbyChic · 18/02/2012 19:49

Im always getting called names but thank you

No luck either Val still looking. Lots of frogs no princes.

Pagwaatch · 18/02/2012 19:57

I would not say kick him out, how odd?

But I am a bit concerned that you don't know how to make him understand that his behaviour is unacceptable.
You tell him that he is behaving like a not very nice 11 year old, he is encouraging his dd to think that skanky behaviour is ok and that he is upsetting and bullying your dd. So he must stop.

Do you have any reason to think that if you explained that to him clearly that he woukd still do it?

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 18/02/2012 20:02

I think this is a major problem and an issue which could make or break the relationship. What a nasty piece of work your bf is. What does it teach your dd or the other child. She is being a cow but at least she has the excuse of being young.

I would seriously tell him to change his ways or move out.

Pagwaatch · 18/02/2012 20:05

Mrsdevere
I had almost the exact same experience! I was 7th of 8 and I remember it as relentless.
I think they genuinely thought it was just teasing. I can remember feeling so small, so often all these years later.

OpinionatedMum · 18/02/2012 20:07

Tell him to lay off or fuck off.

Seriously.

He doesn't deserve to be kicked out?

He bloody well does if he gets told he is hurting her feelings and doesn't stop. Maybe he thinks it's a joke but if he is the decent man you think he is, he will stop when you ask him too.

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