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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ganging up?

69 replies

LJxx · 18/02/2012 15:10

Hello I'm new here so forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong place.

Just wanted some unbiased opinions..

My partner ( of 3 years) has a daughter who is 11 from a previous relationship. I have a daughter who's is 9 from a previous relationship.

The children get on fabulously and we have so much fun together.

We have my bfs daughter for nearly every school holiday and occasional weekends (we live down south and his daughter lives with her mum up north)

For about a year I've noticed that they occasionally gang up on my daughter and will laugh at her, its never anything major but my poor daughter puts on a brave face in front of them and then cries to me after.

My bf isn't malicious in anyway but he should know better then to do this. I'm not sure I'd he'string to be a cool dad and have a laugh with his daughter and make her laugh etc.

I've told him before that having a laugh at my daughter expensive is a very very wrong way to gain his daughters affection. Also they seem to forget that my daughter is 2 years younger.

It seems to be blowing up into a row every holiday between me and my partner and I wish he would stop, he thinks I'm exaggerating.. am I? What do u lot think? Would live some opinions!

OP posts:

bejeezus · 18/02/2012 22:58

Ljxx

What you also got from pag and mrsdv were very personal accounts of the profound effects they feel ad a result of teasing in their childhoods

Good of them to share that with you

OkayGrrl · 18/02/2012 22:59

You asked for opinions and you don't like what you are hearing so you keep drip feeding and acting like a twunt.

TheOnlyTrollOnTheForum · 18/02/2012 23:03

Your post at 20.20 said this happens once every two months but your post at 22.17 says it has happened 7 times in 3 years, which is it?

TheOnlyTrollOnTheForum · 18/02/2012 23:05

Then your post at 22.50 also say it has only been happening for about a year I think you are confusing yourself along with the rest of us

WhereMyMilk · 18/02/2012 23:17

LJ, you actually did say in opening for over a year now, but then 22.17 you say 7times in 3years

TBH I don't think my post was either know it all or irrational. And certainly not self important. I just asked a question, as was confused with things and still am!

FFS. You posted inAIBU, you got answers and support that actually everyone thought this was serious and you weren't BU. you also got thoughts and shared experiences from those who have lived through this and you're still on the attack and being off defensive.

OkayGrrl · 18/02/2012 23:28

I think she's on the defensive because she knows her partner is being a twat.

Heyyyho · 18/02/2012 23:29

You got some fantastic advice and some very profound accounts of posters difficult childhoods having to deal with this shit.
What on earth was the "not getting any sex" comment about?

It's hit a nerve, good. Maybe use that venom and direct it to whom you need to.

GoingForGoalWeight · 18/02/2012 23:41

My blood is boiling. I would have dumped his vile ass, first time!

runningwilde · 19/02/2012 06:50

Tell you what OP if you want to project your pathetic defensiveness onus for merely telling you the bleedin' obvious - that your partner is being an idiot and a bully and you are NOT doing enough about it - them go for it. Your 'account' of how often he does this changes wildly all the time. Don't come on here and act like a cock because you are not doing enough to defend your daughter against bullying ok love? Bog off to nethuns if you can't take the heat. Your fella is out of order and YOU are out of order as you need to nip this in the bud, not come on here and have a go at us for telling you what you should already know.

So, I suspect this is what will happen, you will flounce off from here after a few more of your insults and bury your head in the sand whilst this bullying towards your daughter will keep on happening and she will grow up feeling the effects of it because YOU did not do enough about it but choseto direct your anger against people who were trying to help.

Off you go and close the door on your way out. I feel sorry for your dd.

Animation · 19/02/2012 07:15

It is quite bad actually - mocking your dd when she had a bit of make up on!

Also immature.

Think you have to get in the habit of being very quick off the mark... as soon as he does it. Change your tone of voice straightaway with a "hey!" or an "oi!" - infront of your dd. Don't worry if it spoils the atmosphere or if he sulks ... he needs to get the message - and that you're serious!

lifechanger · 19/02/2012 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 19/02/2012 08:01

I wouldn't leave DD alone with bf and his daughter. If bf does this in front of you, what will they be saying to her when you're not there? There may well be mean comments / incidents of being laughed at that DD doesn't tell you about because this stuff can be subtle and confusing.

You say it's "only" X times a year, but then his daughter only visits in holidays. Also worrying that bf hasn't stopped doing this after you've discussed it with him.

I had some extended family that were like this and it felt horrible. Didn't see them very often but can still remember some of the comments. Million times more confusing and worse if done by people you're living with.

Banning his daughter would be punishing the wrong person, she's a child and will take her cues from her father. However, if things are like this and DD gets upset / feels on edge, then spending every holiday together sounds too much, maybe sometimes your bf could do something nice just with his daughter and you the same with DD - they'd probably enjoy time alone with their dad / mum.

Dozer · 19/02/2012 08:02

I would also ask DD if there're other comments or things she wants to tell you about, in case they have said more, or indeed bf has said stuff at other times.

marriedinwhite · 19/02/2012 08:18

OP - I'm not clear about who starts the teasing/bullying. Is it your bf and the girl joins in or the girl and your bf joins in. I do think dynamics in step family relationships are difficult and like Mrs D and Pagwatch I had to take comments from a step parent that my own father would never have made and it really did damage my self esteem.

I can see quite easily how it is easier to love one's biological children a little better than one's step children but that is no reason to be unkind. The love may never be the same but the kindness and the general care should be.

If I were you I think I would tell the bf that if this happens again this week, then at Easter you will happily have his dd stay for a weekend at the beginning and the end of the holidays but you will not be having her with you to upset the apple cart for the rest of the holidays. BF can then book himself into a bb up North for the purposes of access, take his dd on a little holiday away, or chose not to see her. He will also be able to explain to her and her mother why that decision has been taken and if she wants to come again it is on agreed terms. Consequences for bad behaviour generally work ime.

Animation · 19/02/2012 08:35

Reading between the lines I'm thinking that his dd might be harbouring some anger that's not yet been dealt with... about her dad splitting with her mum. This anger then comes out passively agressively ... directed at your dd - rather than at him. He willingly colludes with this and in doing so avoids dealing with the real issue between him and his dd. Your dd is in actual fact a scapegoat for the tension between them both.

That's my analysis!

marriedinwhite · 19/02/2012 08:39

Likes Animation's analysis.

ILoveGreggsSausageRolls · 19/02/2012 08:54

At the end of the day it's your job to protect your DD.

You've tried to tackle it, and it's quite clear it's not going to stop.

It's how far you are prepared to go before you finally say enough.

By the sound of it, removing your DP from the situation is the only way to stop it.

Now what you need to do is decide what's more of a priority.

I think you've got a massive choice to make.

WhereMyMilk · 19/02/2012 09:09

I think Marriedinwhite's suggestion would work. He can go to see his DD separately and explain why it has to be so, until they can behave themselves and stop bullying your DD.

olgaga · 19/02/2012 09:27

"Teasing" indeed. This isn't "teasing", as others have explained, it's bullying. It makes her feel like a piece of crap. She's not being "sensitive" about this kind of treatment, it would reduce anyone to tears, let alone a 9 year old. Poor kid.

It has to stop. If it doesn't, then you seriously have to put your daughter first. It would be a deal-breaker for me.

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