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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ganging up?

69 replies

LJxx · 18/02/2012 15:10

Hello I'm new here so forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong place.

Just wanted some unbiased opinions..

My partner ( of 3 years) has a daughter who is 11 from a previous relationship. I have a daughter who's is 9 from a previous relationship.

The children get on fabulously and we have so much fun together.

We have my bfs daughter for nearly every school holiday and occasional weekends (we live down south and his daughter lives with her mum up north)

For about a year I've noticed that they occasionally gang up on my daughter and will laugh at her, its never anything major but my poor daughter puts on a brave face in front of them and then cries to me after.

My bf isn't malicious in anyway but he should know better then to do this. I'm not sure I'd he'string to be a cool dad and have a laugh with his daughter and make her laugh etc.

I've told him before that having a laugh at my daughter expensive is a very very wrong way to gain his daughters affection. Also they seem to forget that my daughter is 2 years younger.

It seems to be blowing up into a row every holiday between me and my partner and I wish he would stop, he thinks I'm exaggerating.. am I? What do u lot think? Would live some opinions!

Xx

OP posts:
OkayGrrl · 18/02/2012 20:12

"Don't say kick him out because he doesn't deserve that. But how do u put warnings and threats into action in these situations? Do I refuse to have his daughter round till he fixes up?"

Confused His daughter is a kid and kids learn from their parents.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 18/02/2012 20:18

pag still gets to me now.
If I am in a situation where more than a couple of people start taking the mickey I get really, really upset. I keep it inside but I can feel myself wanting to cry.

Even though I know they are not being nasty. It just brings it all back. I am really not someone who takes myself seriously or cant 'take a joke' either.

I cant bear teasing or that bloody awful phrase 'I am just winding you up'. FFS how can making someone feel stupid ever be funny or fun?

I think in the OPs case it is particularly unpleasant. She has to put up with a massive change in her homelife every holiday and get the piss taken out of her by her stepdad and his 'real' DD.
How the hell must that make her feel?

Original poster
LJxx · 18/02/2012 20:20

His family all take the Mick out of each other. I told him from the start I don't think embarrassingpeople is funny.

Wow I thought I was over reacting...

Let me be clear - this happens about once every 2 months. And when it does happen, I bring them together tell him he's upset her and we talk it out and he says sorry, they make up then when she's in bed I let him know exactly what I think about it.

I understand this is serious - hence why I'm here. I also understand that he's been brought up around this himself and now knows what was acceptable in his family isn't acceptable for us.

My daughter absolutely adores him.

I myself grew up ina damaging environment so its why I jump on this as soon as I hear it
Anyway ke I said - I'll see how this week goes.

OP posts:
Pagwaatch · 18/02/2012 20:46

God yes MrsDeVere, I can't cope with embarrassment at all. I try really hard to but I find it really difficult.

It never really leaves you does it?

Dh is lovely and would never tease the dc and I hated it so I would never do it. Then one day we were at my brothers house and he started on ds1. Ds1 just looked at him Confused.
my brother got really freaked out and I had to explain that he hadn't been around an adult being a total dick before.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 18/02/2012 20:54

No it doesnt Pag. You get that horrible hot feeling and it all starts getting difficult - arggh.

OH took a while to get it. He grew up in a huge family and there was a lot of teasing (some of it sounded bloody vile). He was used to it. He is brilliant now and never winds the kids up.
I suppose I am over sensitive but I dont think my kids will come to any harm from growing up in a house with zero tolerence on piss taking.

skybluepearl · 18/02/2012 21:00

I think your DD needs to see you sticking up for her. Be the grown up - firm but fair and tell them directly that it is low level bullying and won't be tollerated by you or DD. Explain that they are knocking her confidence down when instead they should be building her up and making her feel good about herself. If they can't do this then partners DD isn't welcome.

skybluepearl · 18/02/2012 21:03

Don't wait till shes in bed to say what you think -deal with it head on the instant it happens. DD need to see you doing this calmly and fairy and in an adult fashion. Say everything that needs to be said infront of both the girls and partner immediatly.

aquashiv · 18/02/2012 21:10

Apart from laughing at the makeup what has he said to your daughter?
Himselfs family are very much into this insultative humour. It really grates that it has to be at someones elses never their expense.

Greenshirt · 18/02/2012 21:11

Do you not feel that your daughter could feel that you are part of this bullying too? Why are you with this bastard and his little bitch? Taking the piss out out of a little girl,YOUR little girl and you haven't kicked him in the bollocks as you kick him out of your house yet? Shame on you.

MyCatHasStaff · 18/02/2012 21:16

OP there is a huge difference between laughing with your DD and laughing at her. He needs to be the adult, and not set his DD such a bad example. She is most likely trying to 'fit in' with the way it is at yours, and this behaviour is what she's being shown. Your DD also needs to know you stand up for her, I appreciate you say you deal with it, and that's great, but it needs to stop, otherwise what she sees is that you are not able to stop someone treating her like this. If he is generally a good bloke, you just need to find a way to get through to him.

Original poster
LJxx · 18/02/2012 21:52

Jesus christ ur like a nazi brigade in here.

Half of u obviously haven't read it properly and the other half obviously arnt getting any sex. Only a few seemed to have read correctly.

So, u think that this man that does everything he can for his daughter and my child should be kicked to the curb cause he's not breaking the habit of a lifetime?

He HAS eased up with it just hasn't stopped fully yet. Ur acting like he marches through the door each morning yelling abuse in all directions. Its NOT like that at all. I DO let my daughter know I think its wrong and I tell bf off in front of her and he says sorry and he didn't mean harm etc.

And does she think I'm in on the bullying?! Are u kidding me? Some of ur imaginations are amazing.

I came here looking for a bit of support maybe meet someone that's been through the same but I'm greeted with a load of "tell him to fuck off" "u bully her" "kick him out"

Wow. Just, wow.

Thanks for the, err, help.

OP posts:
Original poster
LJxx · 18/02/2012 21:55

Thanks mycathasstaff.. u seem to have a brain, I was starting too loose faith!

Yeah ur right it does have to stop, that's if its still going on - time will tell!

OP posts:
GlitterySkulls · 18/02/2012 22:05

see the way that you're jumping in to defend your boyfriend, OP?

try doing that for your DD.

Original poster
LJxx · 18/02/2012 22:17

Err I do? I've said all along that I've always talked to them both and sorted it out then left the swearing at him for when she's asleep.

I'm sorry, u seem to think that I condone his behaviour and I don't stick up for my daughter? I don't know where in this thread u got that impression.

Its happened about 7 times in 3 years...

OP posts:
GlitterySkulls · 18/02/2012 22:22

well the following comment, for one -

"So, u think that this man that does everything he can for his daughter and my child should be kicked to the curb cause he's not breaking the habit of a lifetime?"

he's obviously not doing everything he can for your daughter, as he would have stopped belittling her the first time you pulled him up on it.

i'm not saying you don't stick up for her, i just don't think you're forceful enough.
otherwise, he would have got the hint long ago.

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/02/2012 22:28

"Half of u obviously haven't read it properly and the other half obviously arnt getting any sex. Only a few seemed to have read correctly."

What???

GlitterySkulls · 18/02/2012 22:31

newbie- haven't you heard about the new research connecting regular shagging with superior reading ability? Wink

newbiedoobiedoo · 18/02/2012 22:33

Sounds mighty interesting...I must read up on it!

GlitterySkulls · 18/02/2012 22:34

lmao newbie Grin

WhereMyMilk · 18/02/2012 22:37

I do think you need to sort it out really. You say in opening that every holiday has a major blowup-and you say you have his DD nearly every holiday and some weekends. That to my mind adds up to at least 6times/year. Now, as everyone seems to be maybe being a little harsh with you, re:the kicking him out etc, which maybe is a bit of an over-reaction, you've downgraded it to 7 times in 3 years...

Am now confused. If it was so little, then you wouldn't be posting, so think the initial OP was maybe more correct as you wouldn't be so worried as to post for advice. So please don't now belittle it as you wind yourself up about the "Nazi brigade" (not a nice term IMO) who don't have enough hubba hubba.

And yes, support your DD. I too was "teased" at home, and it does rip your heart to pieces, when the people you trust and love most do this.

TheOnlyTrollOnTheForum · 18/02/2012 22:43

Do you think that maybe he's concerned that his daughter might be worried about him replacing her with your dd, or that his dd might be jealous of the time your dd spends with her dad and it is causing the teasing? No matter what the reason, it isn't acceptable for your dd to be bullied like this, especially by people so close to her, but maybe you could talk to your partner about some of the reasons that could be causing it and stress the importance of putting an end to it?

bejeezus · 18/02/2012 22:44

OP you Say it has happened 7 times-and each time you have pulled him up on it, defended your dd, explained why its not on and sworn at him? He's not getting it is he? He would have stopped after the first time, if he was going to.

You now seem to be down playing the impact this may ne having-but you were concerned enough to post here. For advice? No one can tell you a special way to speak to your OH that will get him to take this seriously

Original poster
LJxx · 18/02/2012 22:50

Where's my milk.. I said its only been happening for about a year...

I'm not belittling it, I do think its serious. I do stick up for my daughter. I have had a go at him. I have warned him this time.. is that clearer?

And yes I did come on here and post for a little advice. But look what happened? A bunch of know it all's with irrational advice.

I'm not even sure why I'm still replying. There's obviously a fair few self important people here...

OP posts:
bejeezus · 18/02/2012 22:52

You asked for unbiased opinions

You got them

TheOnlyTrollOnTheForum · 18/02/2012 22:54

I don't think my advice was irrational, I think that trying to get to the bottom of why your dp feels the need to change his behaviour towards your dd when he is with his dd would be important to try and prevent further ganging up.