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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when a little piece of my heart breaks every month...

71 replies

OnlyMe1971 · 17/02/2012 21:31

each time my period appears?
I am 40, have 3 children aged nearly 6, 4 and 2 and would dearly love another baby. My DH is not really on my side though and doesn't want another if it was up to him. I have been trying REALLY hard to accept it. But each month, even though we have not been trying (though we did have one accident recently), I feel upset when my period inevitably appears.
I find myself hoping every month that somehow a miracle has happened and that I am somehow pregnant and that the decision has been taken out of our hands.
I feel so sad and that time has run out for me and the longer we leave it the less likely we are to make the decision to do it.
Maybe this is just my minds way of coming to terms with it, each month my heart breaking a little, and in time I will be at peace with it.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 17/02/2012 21:35

I think having a healthy marriage a loving husband and three beautiful kids is more important that your need to have another child

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 17/02/2012 21:35

Such a matter of personal opinion - but here's mine. YABU. You have three children. You're 40. You're staring down 18 years till you get your life back - put that time into being the best you can for you and your children and then you still have time to be you again. The impending loss of fertility is never an easy time but you need to start finding ways round it instead of mourning the inevitable for ever.

Original poster

OnlyMe1971 · 17/02/2012 21:38

Yes I know you're both right. I do have a healthy marriage and a really nice dh and we are very lucky. I am feeling irrational tonight as I've just started my period. It's the same every month. I feel broken hearted for 2 days but then I'm okay again and I just get on with it.

Thanks.

OP posts:

mamaggie · 17/02/2012 21:38

When you say you are not trying, are you using contraception? Why is it so important you have a fourth child? I doubt if time has run out for you in terms of still being fertile, but I do wonder why you so desperately want another baby.

Concordia · 17/02/2012 21:38

well i feel the same, and no doubt it will only get worse, as i am still a spring chicken at 38! my two are 5 and 3. i would love a third and maybe fourth, but DH is nearly 50, it isn't fair. i know i need to be happy with what i have. if you find the secret let me know. ultimately i think we are both a bit unreasonable.

Original poster

OnlyMe1971 · 17/02/2012 21:41

My DH is 5 years younger than me Concordia but he isn't budging. I do get where he is coming from though and often I totally agree with him.
I come from a big family (8 kids) myself and always had a dream of a big family and so had kind of decided on 4 in my mind. DH was non commital but definitely wanted 2 or 3.

Yes I am unreasonable. Selfish even. It's for selfish reasons I want another really. Because I adore babies. I love being a mother. I love the interactions between the kids. So it's all about me really. I know this.

OP posts:

cutegorilla · 17/02/2012 21:41

Unfortunately it doesn't matter how many children you have if you yearn for another then you do. I don't know what the answer is. You do need to find a way to put it behind you though. For your own sake.

marriedinwhite · 17/02/2012 21:42

Dunno really. We have two children but it took five pgs and a tragic loss to get there. My biggest regret (and I'm 51 now) is that I didn't have the courage to go for a third. I think you are being unreasonable OP, but I can understand where you are coming from. Are you sure that it's really another child you want rather than to hang on to these precious, young baby years. On a practical note, that 6 year old is going to want to be doing all sorts of after school stuff soon and it will be awfully hard with two littlies and a baby in tow. You do need to grow a bit with the ones you have already.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 17/02/2012 21:44

I think it's quite common to feel the desire for another child when your youngest reaches 2 or so. I remember being painfully aware, from when my youngest was about that age, that for the past 8 or 9 years I'd either been pg, bf or planning the next one - now I was just winding down from that and painfully conscious that I wouldn't be doing any of it again (I was 41 by then and also had three).

For me, it was a matter of focussing on the future - the positive aspects such as being able to get my body back, get some sleep, not be so indispensable and have time to myself.

It would also have meant moving house, and a lot of other logistical changes which would have been a lot to contend with and make things difficult, I felt.

It is a painful stage, but indulge in a bit of mourning and then move on to find the positive in the next stage.

Original poster

OnlyMe1971 · 17/02/2012 21:45

Yes I know all of the above marriedinwhite, DH is forever listing off the endless reasons why we shouldn't....

OP posts:

redmayneslips · 17/02/2012 21:51

only me1971, I don't think YABU at all. How can anyone else here tell you what's in your heart and whether it is the 'right' thing or not? They are not you, and do not know what you feel. And if you have that desire for another and for whatever reason cannot act on it (infertility, compromise with dh not wanting another, age concerns etc etc) it does not change the fact that every month you are sad. I am in the same boat (inexplained secondary infertility - ttc 4yrs) and it is a KILLER!!! And it makes me MAD when people try to be well meaning and tell me that I ought to consider myself lucky with the dc we did manage to have. As if I don't know that. Anyway....I feel for you because I know how it feels (though i long to have a second rather than a 4th)

bibbitybobbityhat · 17/02/2012 21:57

Yabu.

HoneyandHaycorns · 17/02/2012 22:00

Count yourself lucky to have three.

I have one dc. I would dearly love to have had another, but it hasn't yet happened that way and it now looks increasingly unlikely that it never will. I do occasionally feel sorry for myself, and also for my daughter who will never have a sibling. However, I have friends who have been unable to have any children, so I am immensely grateful for the gorgeous beautiful child that I do have.

I know what it's like to long for another child, and so I mean this in the nicest possible way, but just be grateful for what you've got and enjoy the three lovely DCs that you have. Life is too short for regrets.

Original poster

OnlyMe1971 · 17/02/2012 22:00

redmayneslips thank you for your kind empathy and understanding.
I just wanted to wish you all the very best of luck and I will send positive vibes your and hope for you that your dream to have another dc comes true x

OP posts:

Original poster

OnlyMe1971 · 17/02/2012 22:03

honeyandhaycorns i'm sorry to hear that it's not happening for you but i still wish you all the very best and hope your dream becomes a reality.

I think it was good for me to write this down as I do see that I need to focus on my sweet little ones and our future together.

Thank you all x

OP posts:

redmayneslips · 17/02/2012 22:06

Thanks onlyme1971, I honestly don't know if it will ever happen for us (we have been through a lot with ivf etc and my age is now not really on my side) but we try to keep hopeful. And we ARE lucky to have one fabulous, fantastic, wonderful dc

Don't feel bad for how you feel, but if you can, try not to let it spoil what you have...that's the hard line to walk in all of this x

toodles · 17/02/2012 22:13

I understand how you're feeling. I did get my 4th at 40. She is 10.5 months old now and I can't believe that the baby days are over. I always wanted 4 but now I have 4, I'd really love another but not sure if I could cope. I'm lucky that, in the past at least, I have fallen pregnant very quickly so I still might be able to have another quite easily but you never know. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.

comedycentral · 17/02/2012 22:16

YANBU, hope your heart heals soon x

OurPlanetNeptune · 17/02/2012 22:17

OnlyMe I do not think you are being unreasonable. I totally agree with redmayneslips. I am in a similar position. I have 3 children and we had been planning to have a fourth but a recent illness has made this more than unlikely. I feel for you.

HoneyandHaycorns · 17/02/2012 22:18

A friend of mine had her second at 45. So there is hope for me yet.

Thanks for the good wishes, onlyme. I hope it happens for us one day, but am determined in the meantime that we won't let it spoil what we have. I hope that you can find a way through how you are feeling.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 17/02/2012 22:22

I know exactly how you feel. DP doesn't want more, but decided that the withdrawal method was his preferred form of contraception. His argument?... He don't want any more kids, but doesn't like condoms, if it happens, we will deal with the consequences. He is a nob.
So, every month, I get my hopes up. And like you say, every month my heart breaks a little.

WhereMyMilk · 17/02/2012 22:36

My youngest of 3DC came out of his cot recently into a big boys bed. I was
Heartbroken. Whenever one of the DC's have moved out of the cot before, it has always been because we had another baby ready to go into it. :(
I too, would love a fourth. If I could guarantee a completely healthy one I'd do it in a heartbeat, but think my eggs are past there sell by date now. And it would be for very selfish reasons, and just for me. TBH am sure it would be hard splitting myself 5ways(counting some time with DH in there)

DH and DC are happy, we are a family. I am really grateful for what we have. I recently have also come to value the time I get now to achieve other things and be just me again. Thinking of doing an art class etc. This has all helped me come to terms with things and I am more relaxed and happier as a result. I wish you the peace of this.

OkayGrrl · 17/02/2012 22:45

Being broody is hard, you need to try find a way to take your mind off of it.

I know how you feel, for the past few months all I can think about is babies, I hate being broody! I'm trying to keep my mind off the subject though.

runningforthebusinheels · 17/02/2012 22:50

I'm going to go against the grain and say yanbu.

I always dreamt of at least 3, and I have 3 now. I am content with this and don't really want anymore - but even so I occasionally dream of a fourth/wonder if I am really finished with the babymaking. I'm 41. I know I'm happy with my lot really, and dh is totally against anymore. He would have stopped at 2, but was happy to go for 3. I had fairly difficult pregnancies which makes my decision easier.

I'm remembering how I felt after 2 babies, knowing, just knowing that I must a third. It would've been out of the question for me not to have had a third. So, if that's how you feel about your fourth, then I totally understand how you feel.

I have no solutions for your predicament though, sorry :(

runningforthebusinheels · 17/02/2012 22:50

*must have a third

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