when a little piece of my heart breaks every month...

[OnlyMe1971]

each time my period appears?
I am 40, have 3 children aged nearly 6, 4 and 2 and would dearly love another baby. My DH is not really on my side though and doesn't want another if it was up to him. I have been trying REALLY hard to accept it. But each month, even though we have not been trying (though we did have one accident recently), I feel upset when my period inevitably appears.
I find myself hoping every month that somehow a miracle has happened and that I am somehow pregnant and that the decision has been taken out of our hands.
I feel so sad and that time has run out for me and the longer we leave it the less likely we are to make the decision to do it.
Maybe this is just my minds way of coming to terms with it, each month my heart breaking a little, and in time I will be at peace with it.

Am I being unreasonable?

Runningwilde although i understand your position on this, sometimes anonymous internet forums are the only place where some people can even think about making comments that seem "self indulgent". Unfortunately it can be very difficult when you have your heart set on something to come to terms with the thought that you may not get what your heart aches for. I don't think it's a case of being childish, I think it is more of a need to actually express feelings that otherwise may have to be suppressed in rl.

That was completely uncalled for Runningwilde.

We are 51 now and have two wonderful teenagers. When we got married we had hopes for a large family - at least 3, possibly 5 children. We also had the means to support a big family and bought a house with six bedrooms for all the children. Our story went something like this: v late miscarriage, possibly v. early miscarriage too, DS1 at 36 weeks, missed abortion at 11 weeks, DS2 at 27 weeks who died very quickly, possibly v early miscarriage, but within a year dd and a pg that got to 41 weeks+ albeit with every complication under the sun.

Going through that even my mother said "you should be grateful you have a child - you are much luckier than women who are infertile and can't have one - now pull yourself together". Nobody who hasn't had that said to them can possibly understand how F'ing hurtful it is. I didn't have the horror of my period starting, I don't think we ever had sex when we were trying without getting pregnant. But I do know the ache of needing to be pg, of needing to keep that baby inside for just one more day, of feeling the first trickle of something coming away and not wanting to go to the loo to find out.

I also, years later feel the void of that third child that I didn't have the courage to try for because we counted our blessings and back then I didn't think I had the strength left to lose another one. Yes, we were very very lucky in the end and every time I look at the dc I know it and sometimes they still let me bury my face in their hair and breath them in but sometimes when I look into dd's bedroom I feel sad that she never vacated the nursery for the next baby.

Wanting any baby that you can't have hurts.

You cannot tell another person how they feel, I wasn't that bothered about DC1's arrival, or DC2, they just arrived without effort or planning. D3 was planned but again effortless. Dc4 was the most longed for child in the world.

So spotty scarf since your husband doesn't want DC3 that is completely different again from both trying for a child and it not happening.

Well, I can see both sides. Having longed for a baby for years, I now have dd - love her more than I could ever tell her and treasure every second. Always wanted two and now am over a year down the path of ttc dc2.

I also have a small heartbreak every month.

The longing for a new baby is no less intense than it was before- it is almost a physical ache, just as it was before dd.

There are differences though. On the one hand, I have a knowledge of how it feels to carry a baby and care for one and so what I am missing this time is clearer and more specific. I also feel sad for dd1 - I wanted her to have a sibling and each month that gets a little less likely (and as the age gap grows, I worry that even if we do have another, they will so far apart in age that they will have little in common and grow up as two onlies). And I am more free to dwell on it (if I allow myself). I am at home, caring for a young child and having given up portions of my life. It is very easy to think 'If I had a baby I would be doing....' whereas before I was at work and could be absorbed in that. And it is starting to affect plans - now dd is getting to school age do I look for increased hours at work? Because I hadn't done, hoping that a new baby would appear but now it seems I may have to arrange my life round one child rather than two and that requires definite plan making in the near future. And to do that seems to be a final wave goodbye to a second child - I'm just not sure I can cope with that. Dosn't mean we'll stop trying but it does mean that I may be a step closer to admitting that a second baby may not appear.
On the other hand, I do feel fortunate to have dd. I have to be careful not to spoil her because everything is lavished on her. I am a Mum - just wow!

But knowing how lucky I am and focussing on that is a process that has to take place in my head, while longing for an absent baby is something that goes on in my heart and is not always controllable. Mind over matter. Most times, brain power wins. Sometimes it doesn't and no amount of telling myself how lucky I am compared to others changes the ache.

I feel your pain too op.
We made the decision last summer to stop following 6 mcs, and me turning 41.
We have a ds aged 8 and i am grateful for every inch of him, even the smell of him..crazy bird that i am, i breath my boy in daily such is my feeling of awe and amazement that he is here and that he is ours.

Despite the decision that we both agreed to, every month i hope for a little miracle. DH becames almost obsessive in his need for a sibling for ds, so it has hit him hardest.

Im more practical and weigh up the possibility of abnormalities and mc at my age. But i still secretly wish, so yanbu for yearning op, i dont think that it ever goes away magically.

Well threads like this are always going to stir up strong feelings. Especially from those TTC their first child.

But I think most measured people can see that, while OP is extremely fortunate to have what she has and really must try to come to terms with this and count her blessings, the yearning for a child is just that...a yearning. And she is allowed to express that.

I can also see both sides, after ttc for over ten years I naturally conceived but lost my daughter at twenty weeks.
I have gone on to have two beautiful daughters and count my blessings every single day.
However, I feel I should have three and although I am now the wrong side of forty the yearning doesn't go away.
If I had three I would probably feel I should have four as in my heart my first daughter should be part of our family.
I think of her every day and I have to try and separate the feeling of loss from the longing of having another baby .

Yes op of course you are allowed to express your feelings, I still find them over-indulgent. I have two (one of each) and think of a third at times. I suppose what I mean most is put that energy into the three you already have rather than being 'heartbroken'. And if you really want another you can always actively try.

" I wasn't that bothered about DC1's arrival, or DC2, they just arrived without effort or planning. D3 was planned but again effortless. Dc4 was the most longed for child in the world."

So you've no idea what it's like to struggle to have any children at all, not a clue about what it's like to be worried about giving your child a sibling.

But somehow you've worked out that it is just as bad not to be able to have a 4th child?

Insensitive, self-indulgent shite.

If you really couldn't take any solace from your healthy, living 3 children, I feel very sorry for them.

As for "most longed for child in the world"?

The OP isn't suffering from infertility - she has 3 children and her husband is done. Comparing that to a woman struggling to become a mother is crass in the extreme.

OP - I think YABU, but you feel how you feel.

I am pg with DC3 now and the question of DC4 is unanswered. I think DH is probably done, so I can well imagine myself in your situation in a few years.

A day or two of "what might have been" melancholy once a month seems a reasonable self-indulgence, but I hope you are not letting it spoil the good things you do have :)

Oh gosh this thread has taken on a life of its own!

My period had just started yesterday and I was definitely feeling sorry for myself. Having read through the whoe thread, i have to say I am so, so sorry if I have hurt anyone's feelings, especially those of you who have been through so much ttc'ing your first or subsequent children, or who have lost children, or gone through any other related heartache, as I'm sure then that my post will seem indeed self indulgent.

Perhaps I should have put this on the "larger families" forum.

I simply was letting off steam to strangers. IRL I haven't confided in anyone about how I feel because most of my friends have 2 children and are done and assume I'm more than done with my 3.

I will think again before posting something like this.

This morning DH bought up his plans for a vasectomy so I know I will have to close this chapter soon. It just is taking a little longer than I thought it would. I thought the feelings would subside in time, but now 2 years on from last giving birth, they are as strong as ever.

Thanks to those of you who showed empathy and understanding, especially again those of you who have been through so much.

Wishing the people who are trying for children, be it first or subsequent, all the luck and fertile vibes there are and hope for you that your dreams come true.

"Oh gosh this thread has taken on a life of its own!"

Threads in AIBU will do that :)

I think it says a lot about how nice a person you seem that you didn't get an absolute roasting - it can be pretty harsh (and unpleasant) here at times.

Best of luck with everything :)

I don't think you are unreasonable at all.I lost twins at 17 weeks when I already had three children. I went on to have another baby and really wanted her so much but it was not a reasonable thing to want, I know that. I would have felt the same as you if my DH had not wanted another one, we had not intended to have 4.I don't know what I would have done if I had lost her as well or been older at the time ( I was 35). I was lucky because I got my resolution.I think what you are feeling is normal and reasonable and you should be allowed to express it- I wonder if you could look for some counselling so you can talk about it more?

onlyme I have 3dcs and would love one more too but can't for health reasons, and OH wouldn't want to anyway, so I can understand the feelings you express. I don't think it's self indulgent because it is for some just a natural longing that is there to have more than what many judge as being enough, and that feeling won't always go away, no matter what you do to try and reconcile yourself with it. When I told a friend recently I would love another, he was horrified and said I was crazy to feel like that with 3!

babybythesea
I have a 10 year gap (10 years of hoping and longing) between my 1st and 2nd child and I wanted to give you a positive story about big age gaps as you mentioned it worried you, and for us it's a wonderful gap despite being a very long one.
They adore each other, and are very close. My dc1's friends love coming round and playing with dc2 and dc3 because most of them don't have baby siblings. So I really hope firstly that you can have your dc2 and that whatever gap you may have that it can be as positive as ours has been.

Thanks campari. It's lovely to hear a positive story - my view is slightly coloured because I had two friends with much older siblings (7, and 7 & 9 years difference) both of whom had next to nothing to do with their big brothers/sisters so I always assumed that the bigger the gap the less likely the children would be to have a good sibling relationship, at least while they were growing up (However, I am still friends with one of those friends now and she is close to her brother now, but freely admits it was like growing up as an only child because he had nothing to do with her when she was little, or really until she'd left Uni and the age gap ceased to be relevant to interests and ability to conduct a conversation!).
It's nice to hear it can work. It really needs to work before 10 years though or we may have run out of time (she says, clutching her walking stick and ear trumpet!) but there is still time for now and we can have fun trying...! (Another positive to a long time ttc - I've gone through the 'must wee on a stick and let the little Line God decide whether tonight is a night for romance or not' phase. I'm now firmly back in the 'every other night is romance night, and more if you can take it' camp!)

YABU, sorry !

I have 2 dc and I do sometimes get broody, but I know why ( for me) my dd is 2 and ds is 6.

I miss the baby days, my dd don't need like she did when baby and it is the reality that I will never see a 1st smile, the 1st laugh crawling ect.

I know that if I did go onto have another baby then at some point I will feel like this again, so dh has had a vasectomy.

I feel the same although I am only in my late 20s I am desperate for another DC but Dp does not, every month I hope there has been some miracle but it never has and I feel so sad about it. I know I am not running out of time but I always thought he would change his mind but I now know he wont and it has hit me hard.

That's great babybythesea
I had my last dc at 38, but a lot of the women where I live are having/have had first, second and 3rd dcs well into their 40's. Good luck again

YANBU Yearning for a baby is a toughie. It's like living with your very own dementor. I am truly blessed to have DD1 after four years of infertility shenanigans (four years is a walk in the park compared with others I know) and I would love another but am very unlikely to be so lucky a second time round. DD1 is just 15m and I can already feel the tug. I know how lucky I am and every day I count my blessings but it's still there. It's primeval and uncontrollable. So, my friend here is a big hug. Yes, feel blessed for what you have but dont feel guilty for grieving what you dont, just try not to let it overshadow your good life.