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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when a little piece of my heart breaks every month...

71 replies

OnlyMe1971 · 17/02/2012 21:31

each time my period appears?
I am 40, have 3 children aged nearly 6, 4 and 2 and would dearly love another baby. My DH is not really on my side though and doesn't want another if it was up to him. I have been trying REALLY hard to accept it. But each month, even though we have not been trying (though we did have one accident recently), I feel upset when my period inevitably appears.
I find myself hoping every month that somehow a miracle has happened and that I am somehow pregnant and that the decision has been taken out of our hands.
I feel so sad and that time has run out for me and the longer we leave it the less likely we are to make the decision to do it.
Maybe this is just my minds way of coming to terms with it, each month my heart breaking a little, and in time I will be at peace with it.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 17/02/2012 22:51

If you have been trying to concieve for 6 or so months, take yourself off to the GP and ask for a day 21 progesterone blood test. It will give some insight into how well you are ovulating. Sme GP's will then prescribe a low dose of a tablet called clomid to boost your eggs if the levels are a bit low now you are a bit older. I have clomid babies.

PoppadumPreach · 17/02/2012 22:54

YABU. It's about what you've got, not what you've not, in this case.

You have so much more than many, many people.

Of course you are entitled to feel like you do, but from an objective standpoint, it is like feeling hard done by that you haven't won the lottery despite the fact you are already a millionaire.

I hope you can reconcile these feelings.

rhondajean · 17/02/2012 22:56

Only, I am yoinger than you, and imknowmi won't have any more children because my body wouldn't hold onto another pregnancy and DH has had the snip to avoid unexpected trauma, but I know how you feel.

Minshu · 17/02/2012 22:57

YANBU

I feel like this each month - actively ttc #2. I know how lucky I am to have my beautiful DD and if she grows up an only child we will still be a very happy family, but my heart also breaks a little each month when my period turns up. :-(

lostboysfallin · 17/02/2012 22:58

Yanbu
It hurts so much
Not many people understand

Yellowstone · 17/02/2012 22:58

No OP, I don't think YABU. It's a perfectly natural feeling, even if not necessarily rational.

Gay40 · 17/02/2012 22:59

I remember DP wanting another baby when DD was about 2. She could not explain it, and said it must be biology working against her sexuality Grin she had not been near sperm for years.

goodnightmoon · 17/02/2012 23:16

Yabu - I think you're crazy to want to go through it all again. I've just had my miracle second at 42 after a long infertile road, but I couldn't get on birth control fast enough. No way am I going through pregnancy again and doing the maths on when children will be leaving home.

That said I did feel sad every month before having the second pregnancy, though I was genuinely content to have one child.

FreeButtonBee · 17/02/2012 23:22

I don't want to be a total kill-joy but I've been trying for over a year for DC1 with no joy at 32 and frankly waking up from dreams of 'meeting' my imaginary new born daughter is starting to be very very fucking hard. Yesterday, it actually stopped me in my tracks while i tried to 'forget' her. Madness i know...

With all the love and best wishes in the world, please appreciate what you have. And kiss you kids good night.

Heswall · 17/02/2012 23:27

I remember a nurse saying to me as we sat in the IVF clinic you have 3 already be grateful for that, what she couldn't understand was that the desire for the 4th child is as strong as for the first. It is no different at all.
We had number 4 with ISCI as I wasn't prepared to risk getting to the wrong side of 35 and a HUGE age gap.
Best £6k i've ever spent.

WhereMyMilk · 17/02/2012 23:33

Oh Freebutton :(
Always, x

redmayneslips · 18/02/2012 01:00

heswall we encountered that same attitude in an IVF clinic, constultant basically said we were lucky we had one and should be grateful. Didn't stop them pocketing the £6k though [sceptical]

I agree with whoever said that longing for anychild subsequent to your first is no less than that longing for the first. In my case I would argue that it is a worse longing as this time I know exactly what I am missing. I also agree that most people (luckily for them) do not really understand the sheer pain it causes.

goodnightmoon · 18/02/2012 05:48

Sorry but I totally disagree that longing for a second or third and fourth is anything like the first.

For those who struggle for that first, there is the sad prospect of never being a mum at all. That is totally different from wanting a larger family.

mrstiredandconfused · 18/02/2012 07:01

The trouble is that you can call it what you want - selfish, irresponsible etc. But when you desperately want a child it's like your heart can't understand your head and every month chips away that little bit more and every month that sliver of hope is taken from you.

Dh and I are desperate to ttc (we are parents to 2 cats) but to even try in our situation would be ridiculously irresponsible. But the hope of a happy accident is just so overwhelming at times, and you're right op- it does feel like your heart is breaking each and every time.

So no, yanbu at all to hope and wish and pray. But for your own sake you need to try to find a way through. If you do find a way to stop the hurt then please tell me - it's killing me.

Runlolarun · 18/02/2012 07:09

Have you been using contraception?

runningwilde · 18/02/2012 07:22

I opened this thread expecting to read about a true heartbreaking scenario of a woman struggling to have her first. Tbh I find your post extremely self-indulgent and it may be worthwhile putting your energy into your children than wallowing in this childish self-pity

runningwilde · 18/02/2012 07:25

No way is trying for a second, third etc like trying for a first. God so many self-indulgent 'woe is me' posts

JoandMax · 18/02/2012 07:27

I completely understand the sadness and the longing as I'm experiencing it too. It's irrational, selfish, annoying and I'd do anything not to feel like this but I do. I can tell myself a million times why we shouldn't go for DC3 and there are many solid, valid reasons but ultimately I want another baby.

It's like a physical need to be pregnant again, all the positive thinking and counting my blessings (of which I do daily, we've had a hard time with DS2) don't help. I hope in time they start to go, my DH is absolutely adamant no more, he's got a referral for a vasectomy so that's that.

So, you're not alone in how you feel, I hope things begin to get easier for you

Gumby · 18/02/2012 07:31

what she couldn't understand was that the desire for the 4th child is as strong as for the first. It is no different at all.

It is different, it must be , trying for a first is facing the realisation you may never be a mother, never be a parent, never make your parents grandparents. All those emotions aren't there when you're trying for a 4th, even trying for a second you're worrying you'll never give your child a sibling.

ledkr · 18/02/2012 07:36

I concieved naturally at 43 after 3 years and chemo so dont give up hope.
Have you been checked out by the gp?
If you and dh want another baby then go for it,dont allow strangers to sway your decision. At least if you give it your best shot and it still doesnt happen you know you tried.
My situation was slightly different as in i already had 4 dc but my dh had none of his own.

Bonsoir · 18/02/2012 07:40

OP - you have a lot already, a lot more than most people. I think you should try to enjoy what you have!

Ilovedaintynuts · 18/02/2012 07:54

YANBU
We all have a 'number' of children we would like to have and when we don't get it it does sting a little.

After my 2nd DC (and three years of secondary infertility) everyone expected me to feel complete. I didn't - although grateful for her I felt I wanted a third. I also was upset every month when my period came. I could never tell anyone as it sounds so selfish - be thankful for what you have/some people can't have any etc.
Well I did have a third DC and I now feel complete. I don't want anymore!

Good luck.

Ilovedaintynuts · 18/02/2012 07:56

For those people who have not experienced secondary infertility - it IS AS PAINFUL as primary infertility it just manifests itself in a different way.
For me it was more acute because I actually knew what I was missing Sad

Selyna · 18/02/2012 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

spottyscarf · 18/02/2012 08:10

Sorry- I am also longing for a DC3 we will probably never have. However it is NOTHING LIKE the pain and agony of ttc DC1 for 2 years, going through the tests, the fertility drugs, not knowing if I would ever be a mum when it was the one thing I wanted in the world. I cried all the time and was an absolute mess. Every day I count my blessings to have children at all (I had severe PCOS).

I do sympathise though OP. I would love a 3rd but financially it is impossible and DH is totally against it.

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