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Original poster

Mother's Day - how does is work when you are a mum too?

92 replies

swooby · 17/02/2012 15:51

Hi Everyone,
This is my second mother's day. For the first one what happened was that my husband made me a breakfast and then took his mum out to lunch whilst I went to my mum's and cooked a lunch for her.
But now that he is suggesting that the same thing happens again this year I am starting to feel a bit disgruntled! Am I being unreasonable? Shouldn't I also get taken out for lunch/made lunch by him (seeing as my son is only 18 months and is not up to much cooking yet!).
I suggested that we all (my mum, me and his mum) have a lunch together either out or at my home, but mother-in-law is not happy with that, she is insiting that she be taken out by her son and no one else be there. Does this sound selfish to anyone else?

I am new to being a mum on mother's day and wanted to know how you all deal with keeping all mums happy??? What do you do on the day? Thanks

OP posts:
Shriekable · 17/02/2012 16:42

Tell MIL to f off. As far as I'm concerned, your motherly status now takes precedence! Try to arrange a lunch for you, DH, DC, your mum & MIL. If she refuses, say pleasantly, ok, we'll see you sometime soon then, and go without her. She is behaving disgracefully. Put your foot down with DH, he should be organising a treat for you, not pandering to that selfish old biddy!

Laquitar · 17/02/2012 16:45

How sad that she didn't like your suggestion, it sounds good to me. We 've done that one year and we all loved it.

Anyway, i wouldn't let it ruin my mood. Go to your mum's and then you spend afternoon and evening with your dh and your ds.

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 17/02/2012 16:45

DP always used to work Sundays, and his Mum is a bitch so he never buys her anything so me and the DC used to spend the day with my Mum and her Mum. We used to drive 2 hours, as that is half way between where we live, and my Grandma, have lunch then drive home. Sadly DGM passed away 2 years ago :(

Then me and DP separated, so me the DC and Mum spent the day together. This year me and DP are back together, and he no longer works Sundays, so not sure what we will do! I think me and Mum will spend the day with the DC, DS1 has Church parade in the morning, so that is a given. Not sure about DP though Hmm

OP your MIL sounds like a PITA, I don't see why you can't all spend the day together!

M0naLisa · 17/02/2012 16:48

She sounds like a PITA i would put your foot down. Either all of us go for a meal/cook lunch or none of us go out. Simple As. She needs to get used to the idea that her son is now a husband and a father and not some teenager she can boss around.

LAlady · 17/02/2012 16:49

Well your MIL sounds very unreasonable. It's now about comprise. We go out as a family for lunch, my mum, sister and myself plus husbands and children. It used to include my grandmother too.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 17/02/2012 16:50

I write a card for my mum. My kids write out a card for me/make one at school. Nowt else.

swooby · 17/02/2012 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

legallyblond · 17/02/2012 16:53

Oh my Swooby, what a nightmare! And she lives nearby? Honestly, I feel for you.... and also feel your DH should jolly well grow a backbone!

swooby · 17/02/2012 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ENormaSnob · 17/02/2012 16:58

I think your dh needs a backbone tbh.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 17/02/2012 16:59

As a mother of two boys I do have some sympathy for MIL. I don't think anyone should "take precedence" - there is scope for pleasing everyone, surely? Although she is being awkward not to agree to everyone going out together.

We don't really go in for these celebrations in our family though. Boys will make me a card, I will send one to my mum, she will send one to hers.

BackforGood · 17/02/2012 17:16

From what you've said though, you are making a rod for your own back by going along with it. Normal families do not cut short their holiday so Grandma can spend a specific day with your ds. At 1, he wouldn't have a clue which day was his birthday anyway, and, once he gets older, he'll actually enjoy having two or three different birthday celebrations.

She can only be this demanding if you (as a couple) let her.

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 17/02/2012 17:18

Sometimes I half hope my DDiL is on here and reads this because it underlines what a smug bitch reasonable and undemanding MiL I am (e.g we were trying to get a date together for Sunday lunch round ours and I gave them a list and said one of them was Mothers' Day so that probably wouldn't work for them, as indeed it didn't which is fine by me!).

You have my sympathy, I really do think that you should have first dibs on your DH's time now that you are a mother yourself, and you have been more than accommodating.

BUT (oh I am going to hate myself for this) I do have the smallest smidgeroony of sympathy with her as far as Passover is concerned. It is quite a big deal for Jewish families ( I would imagine your DS will love it in years to come) and presumably your DH would have been aware of this when your holiday was booked. Is there perhaps a little bit of him that is flattered by the idea of the two women in his life fighting over him?

Pharoahnuff · 17/02/2012 17:19

youa re overthinking

MissSayuri · 17/02/2012 17:20

I don't get the fuss. I worked every weekend when dd was wee and 9 times out of 10 she was being looked after by her granny (my mum) so when I finished work I'd go to my mum's and we'd get a chinese, a glass of wine and a wee gab. Nowadays, me, my mum and dd go out for a lunch, but we do that often anyway. OH isn't involved, he gets his mum a card and phones her. I think he's glad that all the 'womenfolk' are out of his hair for the day. I think it's a bit precious to place so much importance on it.

fedupofnamechanging · 17/02/2012 17:21

I say put your foot down - can't believe you cut your holiday short to pander to her demands. If you don't get this sorted now, she'll be bossing you around for the rest of your life. Your husband's primary responsibility is to you and your dc, and while he should be kind to his mum, that doesn't mean doing everything she says for the rest of her life. I would actually lose respect for a man who didn't stand up for his own family and let his mum walk all over your own plans.

RuleBritannia · 17/02/2012 17:34

NickelDorrit

I'm glad I'm not the only one who calls it Mothering Sunday.

'Mother's Day' is the commercialised version.

mrspepperpotty · 17/02/2012 17:49

I read your OP and was all set to reply "oh go on, let your MIL have a nice lunch with her son" but then I read your later posts and thought Shock

I agree with BackforGood and karmabeliever, there is no way you should have cut short your family holiday. I think you need to sit down with your DH and discuss the issue. Maybe you need to make a stand about Mother's Day on principle.

The really important thing is that you get DH on side before you approach MIL.

LtEveDallas · 17/02/2012 17:51

We send flowers and make phone calls to our mums, DH and DD give me a card and flowers, otherwise it's a normal day. But it is important that we spend it togther.

Sometimes DD asks to make a cake with DH which is lovely, but usually messy (and I end up cleaning up!)

Can I ask what you do on fathers day OP? Is it very different to Mothers Day?

DavidaCottonmouth · 17/02/2012 18:27

Oh dear, the trials and tribulations of the secular world.

Pixel · 17/02/2012 18:53

I get breakfast made for me by dh and dcs (yes I know it should be dcs but I can't wait for ever. Ds is 11 and can't dress himself, he's hardly going to be making me eggs and bacon!). I wouldn't say I get a lie-in though as I can clearly hear all the clattering about and muttered oaths in the kitchen. Grin My sister kindly feeds my horse so I can have a thoroughly lazy morning as she doesn't have children.

Then in the afternoon it's round to mum's (dh doesn't have a mum so no clashes there). Last year my sis brought scones, jam and clotted cream and came with her husband and MIL, I made a lemon drizzle cake, Mum made tea and we all had a nice relaxing, chatty afternoon, while dcs played in the garden with the dogs. I expect we'll do the same this year as it doesn't cost much, all the 'mums' are included and no one gets lumbered with all the work.

nickelDorritt · 18/02/2012 10:56

it'd be fine if we were in America, but then we'd also be in May and be talking about nothing to do with the church

rogersmellyonthetelly · 18/02/2012 11:07

We all send respective mothers a card and we all (my mum, 2 sisters and kids etc go out for a nice meal as a family. For us it's about spending time with our mothers and making them feel appreciated for all their hard work over the years. Same on fathers day. It does become too commercial otherwise.

cricketballs · 18/02/2012 11:15

visits to my mum and MIL in the morning then the rest of the day with dh and dc.....

no matter how many threads I read on MN I am still astonished at the attitude displayed to MIL and Mums once ops are married/have kids. If it wasn't for these people, then neither yourselves/dh/dp will be here surely they deserve some respect?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2012 11:16

Agree with Worra; you and your husband both have mothers and the day is also for them - and for you to make a fuss of them. Your husband does make breakfast for you on behalf of your DC... Confused

I really don't think it's for the partner to make the fuss; albeit that they'll help the children to do so.

It would be nice if all the mothers in your family could celebrate at a family lunch on the day; but perhaps your MIL wants her son to herself?

It's just one day anyway, are 364 other days in the year to have just as you like and attention on mothers' day really isn't an indicator of success or appreciation at mothering so don't take it to heart.