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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day - how does is work when you are a mum too?

92 replies

swooby · 17/02/2012 15:51

Hi Everyone,
This is my second mother's day. For the first one what happened was that my husband made me a breakfast and then took his mum out to lunch whilst I went to my mum's and cooked a lunch for her.
But now that he is suggesting that the same thing happens again this year I am starting to feel a bit disgruntled! Am I being unreasonable? Shouldn't I also get taken out for lunch/made lunch by him (seeing as my son is only 18 months and is not up to much cooking yet!).
I suggested that we all (my mum, me and his mum) have a lunch together either out or at my home, but mother-in-law is not happy with that, she is insiting that she be taken out by her son and no one else be there. Does this sound selfish to anyone else?

I am new to being a mum on mother's day and wanted to know how you all deal with keeping all mums happy??? What do you do on the day? Thanks

OP posts:
NotWell · 17/02/2012 16:07

I think you should let the old bugger do as wants...as long as DH takes your DS with them!

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 16:07

Why not? My kids are too young to go to the shops choose a suitable card and present for their Dad's birthday- doesn't mean his birthday should go unacknowleged by his children does it?

No but I'm sure they can make him one?

Unless they're too old to hold a crayon and in which case, the Birthday would go unacknowleged by them anyway.

I don't understand why people want their DP's to make a fuss over them on a day that is meant for kids to make a fuss of their Mums.

DP's already have Valentine's Day for that.

OrkaLiely · 17/02/2012 16:08

I don't understand all this Mother's Day angst.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 16:08

I meant too young to hold a crayon obviously Blush

issimma · 17/02/2012 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

issimma · 17/02/2012 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EauDeLaPoisson · 17/02/2012 16:09

But its acknowledging the role of a mother isn't it? Why can someones DH/DP not do that? They know we are the mother of their children and what we do so why not? Until the kids are older to do as they wish?

valiumredhead · 17/02/2012 16:09

orka I don't either, it's akin to all the threads at Christmas about presents that posters were given and didn't specifically ask for Grin

BackforGood · 17/02/2012 16:10

YOur MiL sounds as if she is being very selfish about this.
Personally, we don't make a big thing about Mother's day - the children have generally made cards at playgroup or Nursery or school (depending on age) and then sometimes at home to, and, now they are older, they tend to go and get me a choccie bar or 1/4 of Thorntons special toffee (mmm). However, if you do then your MiL has to undertand that you are also a Mother now, and just as entitled to be spoilt on the day as she is. It sounds like you have offered a lovely compromise (for her anyway - I'm not sure how great it will be for you to be cooking for guests on Mother's Day.... unless dh is doing the cooking ?)

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 17/02/2012 16:10

MIL is being very unreasonable.
(If we are agreeing that mothers should be treated on mothers day) she is still entitled to a nice day but she has to realise its not all about her now.

SarahBumBarer · 17/02/2012 16:13

Your DH can do whatever you/he likes. I think it is pointless and unreasonable to "expect" it. Now if your DH/DP wants to buy you a card or do something from himself by way of acknowledging his appreciation of your role as mother to his children - that has a point (along with lining the Hallmark coffers) in a way that "pretending" the children have done something does not.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 17/02/2012 16:14

I make a fuss of DP on Fathers day because I am acknowledging his importance in the family. Even when the kids were too small to do something themselves. I dont think its just about DCs.

Thats what Mothers day is for isnt it? Mum's importance to the family rather than just the DCs.

Personally I hate mothers day. Its one of the most difficult times of the year and I wish it would sod off.

But its supposed to be a nice day and you can acknowlege it without getting sucked into the marketing hype.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 16:15

I think at this moment in time the only 2 people in the OP's life that Mother's Day is about is her own Mum and her MIL.

OP what have you always done in the past? I mean before your baby came along?

If that worked, could you not to back to that?

It seems a little early to start changing things just yet as you've probably got at least another 2 or 3 Mother's Days before your child is old enough to understand.

thefurryone · 17/02/2012 16:16

Calling the MIL selfish and a nightmare seems slightly premature, the only thing we know about her is that she wants to keep up a tradition of seeing her son on his own on mothers day. Maybe the time alone with her son just really means a lot to her.

sodapops · 17/02/2012 16:19

In our house it works like this:

I buy MIL and my mum a card, write them and post them and order them some flowers.

DH will give the boys some money to buy me a card and a small gift.

I get breakfast in bed.

I cook the main meal of the day as per usual!

Your MIL is being very selfish IMVHO!

swooby · 17/02/2012 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 16:24

I think it's about a bit more than Mother's Day by the sound of it OP Sad

She does sound a bit as though she can't accept you.

DumSpiroSpero · 17/02/2012 16:26

DH and I usually spend the bulk of Mother's Day and Father's Day apart for various reasons, so we tend to do something special together on the Saturday instead.

Your MIL does sound pretty OTT, but surely it's not the end of the world if you get spoilt on the Saturday instead?

nenevomito · 17/02/2012 16:28

I get cards and flowers for DM and MIL and DH gets something for me.

If DH wanted to take his mum out alone, I'd let him, but only if he took the kids along to spend their special day with Grandma so I could drink wine and read in peace.

Dawndonna · 17/02/2012 16:30

My MiL will get nothing. She used to do this. My Grandmother pointed out, many years ago that she could gain a daughter or lose a son. She thought she was clever, she lost her son.
Tough.

YuleingFanjo · 17/02/2012 16:30

she sounds awful mil, but maybe when your kids are older they can take their mum out for lunch?

GnomeDePlume · 17/02/2012 16:30

swooby - IMO you are entirely reasonable to say that now you do things as your own family.

For mothers days/mothering sunday you send cards to both mothers from you/DH. You then spend the day doing whatever it is that makes the day special for you.

This is repeated for fathers day, Christmas etc.

Once DCs arrive then parents of grown up children take a back seat. IMO this is part of knowing that you have done a good job as a parent when your DCs achieve all the independance they are capable of.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 17/02/2012 16:30

Your MIL is being selfish - she wants Mother's Day to be all about her, and doesn't care about the 2 other Mothers in this scenario.

But actually the thing that rings major alarm bells here is "we did this last year and MIL is insisting that we do it again this year". Golden Rule of dealing with parents - never ever ever do the same thing two years in a row. Sooner or later you won't be able to do it, and WW3 will break out. That is the ONLY reason you need to do things differently - no need to angst about selfishness of MILs ...

Your plan of all going out to lunch together sounds lovely. Tell your MIL that you, dh, ds, and DM are going out to lunch and she is most welcome to join you. But you'll understand if she'd rather stay home by herself. Then, during the lunch, talk about how nice it is to be a Mother too, and how you are looking forward to next year, when ds will be old enough to make a fuss of you. Then get dh to reminisce about Mother's Day in his childhood, making a fuss of his mother and not visiting his grannies because the day was about his Mummy (unless he did visit them of course, then he needs to keep quiet!).

(Oh - dh sends his mum a card, and phones her. My children make cards for me. We go out somewhere nice, and enjoy being with our children (and dh does all the toilet trips, cos its Mother's Day!).

OddBoots · 17/02/2012 16:31

Because I am not fussed about it not being 'right' dh and the dc make a fuss of me on the Saturday then we do things for my mum, MIL, grandma and step-mil (to varying degrees) on the Sunday.

We go to church so when we tried to get it all done in one day it was all a rush and I got all the more stressed so this works for us (and we do the same for Father's Day).

legallyblond · 17/02/2012 16:35

Really?? i send my Mum a card. She hasn't expected any special treatment or anything since I left home. I think we used to bring her a cup of tea and some homemade goodies... Now I am a mum, DD (DH) gets me a card and maybe flowers/ breakfast in bed (most likely the free posy the kiddies get to give to their mums in our church!) ... something little and sweet.

Honestly, why is your MIL like this? Its so controlling and unaccomodating. Is she like this at other times? Surely its DH who needs to stand up to her about this and "take your side"....