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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had enough of the comments from my Grandma now

63 replies

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 17/02/2012 15:30

I am fat - I know this. I am 5'7 and a size 18/20. When I want to address this I will. I am just SICK SICK SICK of my bloody grandmother sending me the following through the post: WW adverts, cut-outs from magazines of women who look vaguely like me with scrawled comments about how good I would look if I lost weight, letters outlining how I will never achieve anything in my job while I'm like this... I have just HAD ENOUGH.

Today she came round for coffee and really went for it. She started out being nice, saying how it was a shame my holiday savings had been used up on major expenses all at once - car, glasses, etc. She then offered to pay for a holiday in Summer for me and my mum. I was a bit embarrassed and said she didn't need to do that, when she bloody started outlining her t's and c's. How much weight I was expected to lose, she wanted weekly updates about WW meetings, etc. I was really firm (and managed not to swear) and told her my body is MY business and I would never go round telling anyone how to lead their lives. She told me I was a poor role model for the kids in my class at which point I really got pissed off. It just about stayed civil but I made it really clear I am not willing to have this conversation again. When she left I cried.

I just needed to get this out somewhere. I'm not hoping to spark a big debate about fat=bad, thin=good, but I just want to say how much it hurts that my grandma just can't be proud of me, my career, the fact I live independently without relying on anyone.... I'm also irritated by the fact she clearly thinks I'm some inactive slob. Since crashing my car a couple of weeks ago I've walked the 1.5 miles to work and back most days and I love being outdoors - I run football and cricket clubs at school. I'm just FUCKED OFF. When I do change my lifestyle it certainly won't be for financial incentives from ashamed relatives.

Thanks for reading, well done if you got through that self-pitying rant!

OP posts:
Paiviaso · 17/02/2012 15:32

YANBU!

NatashaBee · 17/02/2012 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StuckUpTheFezziwigTree · 17/02/2012 15:36

Poor you. No one deserves to be treated like this. I think I'd have been in tears too.

So no, YANBU.

OriginalJamie · 17/02/2012 15:38

I do feel for you. What she's doing is just not fair, and it's also NOT working. Can you tell her that her obsession with this is pushing you away and making you feel angry with her and bad about yourself. You are not motivated to lose weight when you feel like that. What purports to be about concern is actually about her frustration at not being able to control you. It's a great shame she can't see all the good stuff about you. That's not really love is it? I bet she'd feel terrible if it was put to her like that .....

NeedlesCuties · 17/02/2012 15:38

YANBU, tell her how you're feeling at her cheek.

Just because she's old and related doesn't mean you can't pull her on her rudeness.

JustHecate · 17/02/2012 15:40

Start sending her brochures on facelifts and samples of tena lady, see how she likes it

Marilyn1980 · 17/02/2012 15:40

YANBU, what a horrible tactless thing to do. Yes, she may just be worried about you, but as my old (also tactless) granny always says, you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar. She then tells me my arse is getting big, she also has a shopping addiction and offers me her extra large clothes. I wear a size 10.

Does your weight bother you? if it does, then stop putting it off, don't do it for anyone else, do it for you, you don't even need to tell anyone.

Have a cuppa Brew

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 17/02/2012 15:41

Thanks for seeing why I'm so upset.
OriginalJamie You're right about it being totally de-motivating. Yes, I could go to a WW or SW meeting (and I've been considering it for a while) but I would NEVER ring her up and share all the details and have be all "pleased" with me. A person's weight and body size are personal matters, IMO.
And it doesn't feel very loving, no. :(

OP posts:
GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 15:42

YANBU but maybe that is her own unique way of being caring or she is a spiteful woman with her words in order t make herself feel better. If the latter it works for a few seconds and then the person needs to issue another put down in order to feel better again.

Have you spoken to a family member about her treatment of you? You might not be her only victim.

It is a never ending cycle, hurts like hell. Tell your Grandmother, face to face that her comments about your weight are hurtful and it is not up for discussion again. Change the subject and tell other close trusted members of the family how it hurts and what you plan to do to stop her/get your message across.

Spend less time with her, (or no time at all if possible), give unopened letters to your Mother or post them back to your Grandmother unopened????? Or throw them away. It is horrid needless bullying and i feel empathy for you.

Stop feeling you deserve to have this in your life anymore. You do not!

Act upon your instincts to stop this as much as you can, today!

FourEyesGood · 17/02/2012 15:43

YANBU. She's being ridiculously insensitive and offensive. Perhaps send her a letter outlining your Ts & Cs for continuation of your relationship: she doesn't mention weight loss AT ALL, or you cut off contact. You don't need someone so negative in your life.

As for you being a poor role model for the children in your class, you know this is absolute crap; there are so many more important things than size. I assume you're polite, respectful and generally positive? That's the role model I want for my children.

BeamMysterious · 17/02/2012 15:44

Bloody hell, what a tactless old bint. That is totally out of order - if someone had a go at me like that, I'd be consoling myself with cholcoate. Your weight is your business, not hers.

It sounds like she needs a hobby - and she's decided you are it. Don't stand for it, the rude woman.

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 17/02/2012 15:44

Marilyn - yes it does bother me, and I am willing to make the first steps to change this. Certainly not for her though. And no, I wouldn't tell anyone I was going.
JustHecate not a bad idea! :)

Also, yes she is 80 but she is completely sound of mind, she bloody knows it's hurting me.

OP posts:
BeamMysterious · 17/02/2012 15:45

Chocolate Blush
No spell check, oops.

defineme · 17/02/2012 15:49

This is all her issues-she's totally messed up and is focussing it on you.
I would distance myself for a while if I was you.
I know my Mum will get a tiny bit like this in times of great stress. Eg telling me to hold my tummy in on my wedding day, calling me fat bum at Dad's funeral-totally out of character and a weird reflection of her own neurosis (ex anorexic, generation/family when food was in short supply). My Bmi is normal and it was entirely her issues projected onto me.
My inlaws are 74 and are very very harsh about weight problems-I think their generation, being born into rationing, have issues with the very different way food is thought about today.

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 17/02/2012 15:49

Weight is a f*ed up subject in that side of the family - it is seen as a measure of success. I have actually cut out my grandad (her ex husband) and his wife for similar reasons. I just felt like a constant disappointment - they had no interest in me, my hobbies, my job... weight and dieting would dominate most conversations, and I of course could never join in, just sit there like the fat pudding who the conversation was clearly for the benefit of. (Crap grammar there!)

Not going to talk to anyone about it because I feel ashamed, and because I just think it's a personal issue. I dunno. You are right about not opening the letters, though. They are always vile - I will definitely get one in the next few days after she's had a chance to re-has the conversation in her head and decide I was totally U.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 17/02/2012 15:51

YANBU

But maybe she is just really worried about you and is going about trying to help, in hte wrong way?

Maybe tell her you do intend to do something about your weight, but YOU will decide when and you want her to stop with the comments.

Marilyn1980 · 17/02/2012 15:51

Gin, I am only 5'3" and when I get to a size 12 I start to look pretty heavy, I keep my weightloss endeavours to myself as anytime I have mentioned a diet I get "but you don't need to lose weight" and snort "don't be stupid, you are fine" but at that stage I enter the overweight band in BMI, and feel bad about how tight my clothes are and the red marks across my already stretchmarked mummy tummy.

I joined weight watchers online almost 4 weeks ago and have lost 7lb. I think it was £32 for 3 months, and it's excellent. I hate weight watchers meetings for the reasons mentioned above, sick fed up of people looking down at me and making horrid remarks because I don't have much to lose.

QuickLookBusy · 17/02/2012 15:52

Oh sorry x posted there.

Thought it may be a recent thing, but obviously not. Just tell her mind her own business.

Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 17/02/2012 15:52

Thank you for the support BTW - eating something does seem like the comforting option I admit, but I'm not going to. Just going to buy a litre of gin instead

OP posts:
Original poster
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 17/02/2012 15:56

I can see why that would piss you off, Marilyn - it's about how you feel in yourself, not what other people deem acceptable. I don't feel great about myself for a lot of reasons at the moment, but this kind of "help" is completely counter-productive.
The WW thing is a reasonable price, but knowing myself I think I would actually have to bite the bullet and go to meetings or I wouldn't bother.

OP posts:
fresh · 17/02/2012 16:06

YADNBU. Can you turn it back on her? "Gosh, you do seem to have lots of unresolved issues around weight, don't you? Have you ever thought about going into therapy to discuss why you feel the need to be so judgy? If you do go, when you've done six months' worth, I'll buy you a meal for doing so well..."

It's her problem. Call her on it. Don't let her EVER say this sort of thing to you again.

Littlefish · 17/02/2012 16:15

My grandmother used to do this too. I finally had enough and said to her "I find it incredibly upsetting when you behave like this. I am not prepared to discuss it with you. You can choose to have a relationship with me, without bringing up this subject. However, if you continue to behave like this, then you are making the choice not to have a relationship with me.

She brought the subject up again and I broke off all contact with her until she apologised 8 months later. She didn't raise the subject again.

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 16:15

Your Grandmother seems very controlling. You cannot change her only how you feel about what you are willing to accept. She is jealous of your life and focuses on an area anybody might feel sensitive about. That is not very kind of her, is it? Wonder what Grandmother is getting out of hurting you? It desn't feel nice, does it, for you?

I wonder if your Grandmother would be pleased if you did lose the weight? I wonder what her reaction would be, to see you at your goal weight?

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 16:17

I know people who have lost in excess of thirteen stones and the very people who make nasty comments etc never mention the obvious weight loss! not a word, it is as if the person has never been overweight. It is fascinating reaction.

FriendofDorothy · 17/02/2012 16:19

My step-grandmother used to say incredibly hurtful things to me too. I thought I was being a bit sensitive until my sister witnessed it. It ended up with me saying to her 'I know you have an opinion on everything but it doesn't mean that I want to hear them. Your comments are exceptionally hurtful and if you keep making them I will walk away from you every time you say something unpleasant.' It seems to have worked and she has mellowed somewhat, but it took a long time.

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