To have had enough of the comments from my Grandma now

[ButWhyIsTheGinGone]

I am fat - I know this. I am 5'7 and a size 18/20. When I want to address this I will. I am just SICK SICK SICK of my bloody grandmother sending me the following through the post: WW adverts, cut-outs from magazines of women who look vaguely like me with scrawled comments about how good I would look if I lost weight, letters outlining how I will never achieve anything in my job while I'm like this... I have just HAD ENOUGH.

Today she came round for coffee and really went for it. She started out being nice, saying how it was a shame my holiday savings had been used up on major expenses all at once - car, glasses, etc. She then offered to pay for a holiday in Summer for me and my mum. I was a bit embarrassed and said she didn't need to do that, when she bloody started outlining her t's and c's. How much weight I was expected to lose, she wanted weekly updates about WW meetings, etc. I was really firm (and managed not to swear) and told her my body is MY business and I would never go round telling anyone how to lead their lives. She told me I was a poor role model for the kids in my class at which point I really got pissed off. It just about stayed civil but I made it really clear I am not willing to have this conversation again. When she left I cried.

I just needed to get this out somewhere. I'm not hoping to spark a big debate about fat=bad, thin=good, but I just want to say how much it hurts that my grandma just can't be proud of me, my career, the fact I live independently without relying on anyone.... I'm also irritated by the fact she clearly thinks I'm some inactive slob. Since crashing my car a couple of weeks ago I've walked the 1.5 miles to work and back most days and I love being outdoors - I run football and cricket clubs at school. I'm just FUCKED OFF. When I do change my lifestyle it certainly won't be for financial incentives from ashamed relatives.

Thanks for reading, well done if you got through that self-pitying rant!

Poor you, what a horrible way to treat someone. My mom is a bit like this, I once confided in her that I was worried my DH was losing interest in me a little and she said I think you're just feeling insecure because of how much weight you've put on recently. I was a size 12. Thanks mom. I spent about 3 hours sobbing.
You need to tell her how hurtful she is being and that you will
decide how you feel about yourself.

I love Hecate's suggestion, do it do it :o

YANBU btw, she sounds awful.

My family (who are Greek) always feel the need to let me know how fat am and how I need to lose weight. It's got to the point where I feel like I can't go back to Greece until I have lost all the weight I put on before I had my first child (I am a size 20 too). They obviously care about me and I have learnt that over the years BUT you can't just lose weight because someone tells you to! Everyone thinks they have the power to just say the word and poof! you will suddenly realise that you have been eating too many calories and will lose weight!
Saying all that, your gran is like a dog with a bone and she needs to let it go before you start resenting her. Just tell her to lay off because she is hurting you. XX

OP, she sounds like a spiteful cow, and I'm not surprised you're upset and furious. She also sounds as if she has major issues surrounding body image, which are nothing at all to do with you. I've been very interested since being heavily pregnant (now 35 weeks) at people's responses to the fact that I love my pregnant shape - there are people who equate being pregnant with 'being fat' (which is clearly the worst thing in the world), and some of them just can't get over the fact that I'm enjoying myself, and not stuck on some body self-hatred kick. It's like I've broken some eleventh commandment, involving compulsory self-castigation.

Whatever you decide to do about your body, if anything, try to remember that your body is none of anyone else's business, and it's your decision, and you're not accountable to any weight-obsessed hag sending you 'inspirational' photos in the post.

I have to say YANBU, you will deal with the weight when you are good & ready. You are an educated woman who does not need the pros & cons spelling out.

I have a stubborn personality and will not do something when I am told - my husband wants me to exercise more, and I will, when I decide to, and to be frank, every time he mentions it, I dig my heals in and put it back another week or two! I can see this trait in my DS aged 19 who, when his dad suggests he does some exercise, I see his body language shift and he bristles, I just know what is going through his mind!

Are we related? My gran regularly says "oh you look thinner" "oh youve got fat again", no sense of decorum! Your gran sounds totally mad!! YANBU maybe instead of taking it you should give her the "actually I like who I am"

Apart from anything else, it's bloody rude!

YANBU at all.

Gin Gone this is awful, discrimination of any kind is simply not acceptable. Isn't it the case that people who are overweight but who exercise regularly are healthier than thin people who just starve themselves & don't do any exercise? Being too thin is just as dangerous to health as being overweight, but people's skewed perceptions about what is beautiful /healthy can cause them to be discriminatory. Just ignore her Gin, you wouldn't put up with this type of rubbish from anyone else, don't take it from her. Walk proud!

Send her adverts about care homes
Yanbu

Oh been there, the week before my Dsis wedding mine said 'isn't it a shame x only has fat bridesmaids' in front of loads of close family and friends. At the time I was heavier than you are now and couldn't give a damn. To be honest I was more embarrassed for the other non family bridesmaids...

I have since successfully lost 5st without the need for ww(eugh being weighed in public no ta), And to be be honest im equally acticve/fit/unfit and feel no different. Nice to have a wider choice of clothes though.

But seriously ignore and when you can't do that find other family members you can laugh about it with. Try to get the courage to actually laugh at her when she's making the comments. Followed up with something like 'that must be a joke, you wouldn't be so rude'.

YADNBU but do you know why they all have this weird obession with weight?? How bizarre!

I would just not engage. At all. If she sends stuff in the post, throw it. If she mentions your weight in conversation literally say nothing until she changes the subject. If she asks why tell her she's being completely horrible and you're either going to be quiet or tell her where to go!

Wow, YANBU. Would be forgivable if she was concerned about your health, but that clearly isn't the case here.

YANBU, you are very tolerant! My Granny has done similar for years, i am also 5'7 and have gone down to a size 16 from an 18, eventually! The other day she said 'do you really need that' to a piece of bread I picked up, and I burst into tears and left the table. She was so upset that she had upset me, although I did not need it I was just enjoying a nice dinner with my family, and it really really upset me!

She then cried and apologised, which made me feel awful, but she has not said anything since....

Of course YANBU, I had a gran of the exact same type, is 'fattist' a word? She was so so rude and tactless about people's weight, I come from a family of tall thin types, and happen to be average height and pear shaped - this of course means there is something terrible wrong with me. Can't count the number of times she made digs about my shape or size, patting me on the bottom and warning me to watch my weight. Even said I was looking a bit too big round the middle while I was holding my 7 wk old DS...
My mum is now carrying the fattist baton, apparently I should've lost the baby weight by now.
I still remember the day when I was 6 walking thru town with her when she said loudly "people that size should know better than to wear clothes like that" a mere six feet behind a large lady whose clothes were tight, if I could've sunk thru the pavement I would've. I think she honestly thought it was helpful to say things like that, she had absolutely no empathy, and never considered herself rude. She also thought that my v big 6'4" cousin should eat the same portion sizes as her, if he had he'd have fainted! She ate like a bird.
Frankly amazed I got thru childhood without an eating disorder!

My DH suggests you get some Dignitas brochures for her.

Love the ideas of sending Grandma adverts for Tena Lady's, Care Homes and Dignitas

What a spiteful woman. My gran was like that to my sister - but not about weight, she constantly told her it was a good job she was clever because she wouldn't get by on her looks.

She's probably just worried about you. My grandmother is the same (or was until she got macular degeneration in the past couple of years). She is very slim at 86 and was still playing tennis/going for her morning swim with friends every day. I think people from her generation are just blunter. She usually ate very healthily but smoked until my grandfather died of emphysema. Then she never touched one again. Now, because she can't see, she puts slabs of butter on everything :)

Send her back stuff from the co-op funeral home and then tell her to piss off.

poor you OP. i don't know what it is about families and weight. Mine are the same. Both my sets of grandparents constantly discussed everyones weight in very tactless terms.

Dad's side are all tall thin types and i am more curvy. They just looked at me like i was an alien. My nan said to me once when i was 18 'does your boyfriend mind you being fat, i suppose he doesn't care as long as you have big boobs' (i was a size 16 with a b cup!).

I would not open the mail and remove yourself from any situation where she can be unpleasant. Also i would tell her why.

Good luck

I can totally sympathize. Whilst she hasn't exactly gone as far as yours, my DH's grandmother can barely speak to me without verbally hitting me around the head with a 'hint' about my weight. I'm a size 16 - 18 and I've had three pregnancies in the last five years - I don't think that that sort of weight gain is unreasonable, to be honest. She obviously does though. She usually starts off by pointing out other members of the family who have 'lovely neat figures'. She can then progress on to any aspect of diet/fitness via some worrying 'tips' like - I should immediately pour salt onto half of the food on my plate to stop myself eating it. Just the thing I want my daughters to learn from Mammy.

There is a definite 'Culture of Thin' in my DH's family - I'm by far the largest woman in it - one of his sister's hasn't had a period in three years because she's so thin. I think she's got more of a weight problem than me, to be honest, but she's applauded for her 'slim-ness' whilst I'm sighed over because I've got 'such a pretty face and lovely hair' - the unspoken part being what a crashing disappointment my massive bum is. I don't think there's any malice in them, but the ten years I've been part of this family have really knocked my self-confidence. Just little things from always being given chocolates and smellies as presents when everyone else gets clothes (don't want to draw attention to my size or assume that I don't like clothes as I'm always eating chocolate?) to being told at a recent family wedding that the other buffet table was full of 'healthy options' (BIL had just clocked the slice of cake on my plate!). It's never overt and always implicit and DH thinks I'm paranoid (but then he would, wouldn't he? He's as thin as a rake - he's no disappointment! No hints for him!) but I'm not and it's there and it's really depressing.
So I'm with you - let's stand firm and say that fair enough, we're a bit fat. And we might not be happy about it but it's entirely our OWN business and if we decide to do something about it, it'll be because we want to, not because a legion of Grandma's is nagging us!

Wow - that was massive! Must have touched a nerve! Sorry about that - I just wanted to say I'm on your side!

YANBU! How nasty. Try sending her tombstone catalogues. My lovely Dad and step mum have been known to buy me beautiful clothes, several sizes too small because "it will be nice to have something to wear when you're a normal size again". Now, I know I'm a little overweight, but even if I became anorexic I could never fit into a size 8!

Oh dear your GM sounds absolutely horrible!

I think you have done well to put up with her this long. Do you have to see this woman again? If you do, tell her to stick her holiday right up her skinny arse.

the weight is your own issue but she obviously is very worried about the health aspect and loves you very much. I agree shes behaving badly though

Some of this is a generation thing I think - DHs parents are terrible for thoughtless weight comments. It doesn't, however, excuse bad manners like this.

I am fat curvy and my DCs, whilst never fat had the odd times when they were younger when they filled out a bit (usually just before a growth spurt) Both of them can still quote the comments made to them by GPs years later. Ours stopped almost after I told them politely it was offensive.

Yours sounds much worse so I think you will have to be very strong but, if you don't stand up to her, you are allowing her bullying you to continue.

"Yes grandmother, I am overweight; but I can always diet. You, on the other hand, are a bit stuffed, as a total personality transplant is not yet available ..."