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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to dump a close friend over this?

62 replies

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 08:30

Subject A and I have been friends for well over ten years, through that time we've seen boyfriends come and go, marriage and children and we are quite different but a few things have happened lately to make me reconsider the friendship. AIBU?

Her dh organises an event yearly which she originally invited me to last year. They also invited an ex as they think he is some sort of celebrity (I would argue strongly against this) although they only know him through me and he wasn't a great bf at all. My dh used to work in the same line of business as my exb and knows how awful he is to women and what a 'sociopath' he is. Exb also tried to contact me in the last year and dh wasn't happy about that!

Dh and I would have been in a really uncomfortable position attending said event and so we politely declined, I did tell A why we said no and she was very understanding. Move on a year to the same event happening next month, she called me last night and asked if we would come as she has the last tickets, then she text and said sorry my exb is coming, then she called and said 100% exb is not coming will we come? I again politely declined not really interested in being backup to my ex.

A also seems to speak to my exb frequently via text and I find that weird. A used to hide a lot from her close friends regarding who she was sleeping with and frequently got close to any of our exes as soon as we'd broken up. I thought since getting married and having dc it may have changed, not that it is my business but her moral compass doesn't seem to have moved.

AIBU to feel like we should be her priority over exb and that she mustn't value me as a friend? Or is it up to her to decide who she wants to invite and as it is our problem it is our decision not to go?

The other reason I am not sure about our friendship is she started to wean her dc at 4 weeks!? I felt IWBU to end the friendship over this but I did tell A how it is strongly not advised by hv's to put it lightly.

I hope I didn't ramble too much. Please don't flame me over unacceptable grammar .

OP posts:

lesley33 · 17/02/2012 08:39

Sorry I think YABU. It is totally up to her who she is friends with. You are basically asking her to choose 1 friend - you - over another. The ex may or may not be a good friend, but that really isn't the point. You don't have to like him, just respect her right to have whatever friends she wants including ex and you.

In terms of the yearly event I think she was actually being thoughtful telling you if ex would be there or not. It is what I would have done. I wouldn't have chosen which friend I wanted to come. I would have just invited both and left it up to each of them to decide whether they wanted to or not.

Yes weaning at 4 weeks is far too early. But unless abuse is involved, falling out with someone over their parenting methods is a rocky road to travel as you will find few people with whom you totally agree with the parenting choices they make.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 17/02/2012 08:39

YABU. It sounds like your friend is still friends with your ex. Nothing wrong with that she's allowed to have as many friends as she likes even if you don't approve of them.

ragged · 17/02/2012 08:45

Meh, you shouldn't force your friend to choose between you & she should respect the fact you don't want to spend time with the exB.

carabos · 17/02/2012 08:50

YABU.
a) your friend can be friends with whomever she likes, regardless of how you feel about that.
b) the exact nature of her relationship with, or interest in, your ex is none of your business.
c) she can wean her baby when she likes.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 17/02/2012 08:56

WTF has when she weans her baby got to do with your friendship?

Proudnscary · 17/02/2012 08:58

I really, really don't get these kind of posts. Seems so hand wringing and childish.

troisgarcons · 17/02/2012 08:58

Bizzare, but thats MN for you.

OlympicGoldPennies · 17/02/2012 09:01

YABU

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 17/02/2012 09:02

With regards to your ex, whether or not YABU would depend on how you broke up and the kind of relationship you had with him, IMO. For example, my friend broke up with her husband after he repeatedly hit her and was abusive towards her, and one of her best friends said she wasn't taking sides and continued to probably see more of the ex than of my friend. She really wasn't there for my friend during the break up and didn't really give my friend any support. If it was those kind of circumstances then I can understand you not wanting to be friends with her now. If you just had a casual relationship with him and broke up by mutual agreement or just drifted apart, then I wouldn't have a problem with your friend keeping in touch with him.

I'm actually wondering if you still love/have feelings for your ex as you seem quite hung up on what he's doing...

Original poster

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 09:02

Ha, v helpful proudnscary. How annoying it is when people have freedom of speech on an anonymous forum .

It doesn't have anything to do with me but I thought it might harm the baby and I find that really upsetting.

Looks like iabu. (even though inside I still feel like I'm not).

OP posts:

Original poster

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 09:07

She wasn't friends with him when we were together, they bumped into each other after and swapped numbers.

I'm not bothered by him it is more my dh. I am bothered because I feel if it were the other way around I would put my close friends as a priority and if they felt uncomfortable with someone being at a party that person wouldn't be invited. I do realise that not everyone is the same though and perhaps I am a bit too precious sometimes.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 17/02/2012 09:12

You have freedom of speech, as do we (not sure what you meant exactly) - and the general feeling is you need to grab hold of this

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 17/02/2012 09:14

Perhaps she'd always fancied him then?

WinkyWinkola · 17/02/2012 09:15

I don't think yabu but I also don't think you should sweat it at all.

Your friend is pals with your ex. Let her of course which you are doing.

As for being second best at the event, well, it was you who said you wouldn't go if your ex was there. Presumably he has no issue with you being present? So you can't really complain when your friend says your ex he's not coming so now you can.

It does sound like perhaps you have different values so perhaps you should just fade from view slowly and let the friendship gently slide? It's quite easy, you know and avoids any unnecessary drama.

desperatenotstupid · 17/02/2012 09:29

LMAO at her weaning her baby at four weeks being a criterion for ending a friendship - what a bitch, as for the rest of it, yeah, shes probably shagging him

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 17/02/2012 09:49

They also invited an ex as they think he is some sort of celebrity (I would argue strongly against this) although they only know him through me and he wasn't a great bf at all.

I think this is totally pivotal to the whole argument and we cannot possibly make a rational judgement unless we know who the 'celebrity' is, so do please tell us right away

QuintessentialyHollow · 17/02/2012 10:12

You and your dh seem to give this man a lot of importance in your life, given that he is an ex. Most people would move on, but it seems you haven't?

I don't quite understand why you and your husband cant attend the same event as him. It seems utterly childish. Even big A list celebrities can attend events where their exes are, and behave in polite and decent manners, and in front of the press. Why cant you guys? I imagine the Oscar or Grammy parties would have a pretty low turn out if people could not go as their exes, or their partners ex were there!

You seem quite judgmental. The way you speak about this man, how your friend invite him because she thinks he is a celebrity, while you think he is not, and how you consider ending a friendship over somebody's weening! The worst part is however your judgement over her moral conduct from years ago...

She might have met him through you, but developed their friendship independently of you. You have no first priority. Yet there you are trying to influence the guest list!

Remember, YOU were the ones who declined the invites last year because he was there. HE was not bothered.

You say she has been arranging this event for the last 10 years, and you were only invited for the first time last year? Maybe she does not value the friendship as highly as you do. The event will go on without you, as it has, and as it will.
She seems a fun type of girl, arranging events, inviting those she likes without getting into the politics of the friendships of the people she is inviting. I would have her as a friend!

Original poster

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 10:26

Read my post properly please, we have been friends for over 10 years, the event started last year and it is arranged by her dh although she is the one who invited exb.

I don't feel I am being judgemental I am just stating facts.

I do take your point on the Oscars and Grammys though but remember they have to go to those events because of their work and it could affect their chances of work of they don't go. I'm sure they feel uncomfortable sometimes too.

OP posts:

QuintessentialyHollow · 17/02/2012 10:33

Sorry if I have misread your OP, it was rather garbled.

I dont get why you cant mingle with him. He is an ex, and you are not interested. Does your husband have any control or jealousy problems?

It is also her husband arranging it though, so maybe the guest list is not entirely down to your friend?

QuintessentialyHollow · 17/02/2012 10:34

You might think you are just stating facts, but what has her sexual partners in the past got to do with this situation?

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 10:37

It's entirely up to her who she is friends with and if this even requires tickets, it's probably a large enough venue for your to ignore you ex (should you feel the need to)

That ^ bizarre 'reason' has made me laugh so much I've just spouted burning hot coffee through my nostrils lol!!

WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 10:38

*event!

Sorry, was too busy laughing at the weaning 'reason'

LadyRabbit · 17/02/2012 10:51

YANBU OP, I think I understand what you mean. It's about loyalty and there are certain unspoken rules of friendship. I think the supposed celebrity of you ex-b is an issue too, ie your friend and her dh would invite him first over you. I'd be pissed off at being back-up too. And one can and should of course move on but it's hard if supposedly close friends insist on inviting an ex to things. I wouldn't do it to a close friend of mine, it's just rude. I have in occasion ended up better friends with the ex of a friend and been careful to do separate things socially or gradually move on from friendship with original acquaintance, politely and kindly.

What is friendship if it isn't about shared values? If my friend started weaning a baby at 4 weeks (WTF?!) then I'd wonder a little. And if, as you suspect, she is a little wonky on the extra-marital front then I'd also start to wonder why I was mates with her.

Don't make a big deal of it, just politely decline invitations, gradually lose contact and move on. Spend more quality with your closer friends and family. Life's too short to waste it on people who may have different ideas of friendship from you.

WinkyWinkola · 17/02/2012 10:54

The op wasn't garbled at all.

QuintessentialyHollow · 17/02/2012 11:05

Maybe garbled is the wrong word, but I think the op is unclear.

"Subject A and I have been friends for well over ten years,
(...)
Her dh organises an event yearly which she originally invited me to last year. "

This is what I misunderstood. I thought the event had been going on for a lot longer, as she said the event was yearly. The op did not state that last year was the first time the event was organized, as well as the first time she was invited.

But this is hardly the point?

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