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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to dump a close friend over this?

62 replies

StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 08:30

Subject A and I have been friends for well over ten years, through that time we've seen boyfriends come and go, marriage and children and we are quite different but a few things have happened lately to make me reconsider the friendship. AIBU?

Her dh organises an event yearly which she originally invited me to last year. They also invited an ex as they think he is some sort of celebrity (I would argue strongly against this) although they only know him through me and he wasn't a great bf at all. My dh used to work in the same line of business as my exb and knows how awful he is to women and what a 'sociopath' he is. Exb also tried to contact me in the last year and dh wasn't happy about that!

Dh and I would have been in a really uncomfortable position attending said event and so we politely declined, I did tell A why we said no and she was very understanding. Move on a year to the same event happening next month, she called me last night and asked if we would come as she has the last tickets, then she text and said sorry my exb is coming, then she called and said 100% exb is not coming will we come? I again politely declined not really interested in being backup to my ex.

A also seems to speak to my exb frequently via text and I find that weird. A used to hide a lot from her close friends regarding who she was sleeping with and frequently got close to any of our exes as soon as we'd broken up. I thought since getting married and having dc it may have changed, not that it is my business but her moral compass doesn't seem to have moved.

AIBU to feel like we should be her priority over exb and that she mustn't value me as a friend? Or is it up to her to decide who she wants to invite and as it is our problem it is our decision not to go?

The other reason I am not sure about our friendship is she started to wean her dc at 4 weeks!? I felt IWBU to end the friendship over this but I did tell A how it is strongly not advised by hv's to put it lightly.

I hope I didn't ramble too much. Please don't flame me over unacceptable grammar Blush.

OP posts:
SooticaTheWitchesCat · 17/02/2012 11:17

I don't think it is worth losing a good friendship over, just don't go to the event. She is obviously friends with your ex too so if you don't want to go where he is just decline the invite. Don't waste time worrying bout it.

As for weaning her baby at 4 weeks, that is pretty odd but again not something to lose a friend about. I'm sure she will have enough people telling her it isn't right and her baby will no doubt sick up the food anyway so she will figure out she is doing something wrong on her own.

mojitomania · 17/02/2012 11:23

OP it doesn't sound as if you particularly like her so don't see here anymore.

LoveHandles88 · 17/02/2012 11:30

I am intrigued as to what kind of 'celebrity' your ex is :)
I would be a bit put out in your situation. But people do what they do. You can't change them.

troisgarcons · 17/02/2012 11:33

I know!I know! I bet the Op shagged a TOWIE !!!!! Only someone like that would think stopping BFing equated to weaning and would 'damage' the baby.

Mentalists every thread I open today!

fallenpetal · 17/02/2012 12:13

OP I feel your angst a bit (not with the weaning, her baby not yours what ever your opinion)

My ex was very off put by a previous ex of mine who turned up after we had been together 5 years! He is an extremely charming chap and lots of men are intimidated by him. It has caused a slightly similar issue at a birthday party I had that was joint with a mutual friend. He was invited, I didnt know but it was assumed Id be fine as the other girl and I had pretty much all the same friends and we had remained on good terms.
My then partner went off on one for ages about him and I felt I had to avoid him for ages. It was silly but I respected my partners insecurities because of how people were with this chap.
Other friends did not really understand the problem and I ended up loosing/changing friendship groups and I regret some of the friends I lost. Not all now I see how they have turned out I think we would have drifted anyway.

Anyway what I am getting at is think hard about what your friend really means to you, if you suspect she is not really worth the effort then maybe you should drift away. If you want her friendship, suck it up and get over her friendship with your ex.

GoingForGoalWeight · 17/02/2012 13:15

If you do not like your friend, dump her!

What need is being fulfilled within YOU, OP by hanging on to a friend you secretly disapprove of? voice of experience here Good luck :)

Haziedoll · 17/02/2012 13:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Yes she has the freedom too see who she wants to see but it does sound as if she is priortising your ex over you.

You also have the freedom to see who you want to see and in your shoes I would let it fizzle out with the friend, she doesn't sound like a nice person.

Haziedoll · 17/02/2012 13:22

Why is everyone thinking it's not a big deal to wean a baby at 4 weeks?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/02/2012 13:36

OP your DH is being unreasonable. It's your ex who has been invited and who may or may not go. If you can put up with him being there then your DH should be able to cope.

You are being slightly less unreasonable in feeling hurt that your friend hasn't prioritised your attendance over that of your ex. But only slightly. She can be friends with and invite whoever she likes, and you admit you wouldn't be bothered by your ex if your DH wasn't bothered by him.

You are also being a bit unreasonable to refuse to go even now she has said your ex is not going. Perhaps she's realised that she'd rather you were there than him and asked him not to go. Perhaps not, but this is your chance to go along and prove how to her much better this event is with you there and him not there. You might not get this chance again.

You've turned her down twice, this second time even though you know he won't be going. She might not even ask you next year now, based on that. She may wonder what the point of inviting you is, if you turn her down regardless of his attendance, and stick to asking him.

If you want to keep your friendship, swallow your pride, tell your DH to swallow his, and go and have fun.

scortja · 17/02/2012 15:51

When you say 'weaning' do you mean moving from BFing to formula, or to solid food?

WinkyWinkola · 17/02/2012 16:21

I would imagine she means solids.

Original poster
StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 16:30

I couldn't say who he is but he kicks a ball for a living, not much better than towie I know and the reason I said IMO he's no celeb.

Yes I mean weaning onto solids.

Quite a split opinion on this but it's nice to see some people don't think iabu.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 16:33

Why would your 'close friend's' feeding choices even feature on your radar and make you consider wanting to dump her?

Do all your other friends have to meet with your approval in all their personal choices too, or risk being 'dumped'?

I just don't get that?

Original poster
StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 16:34

noonesgoingtoeatyoureyes I did wonder earlier whether I should just go now and have a great time and prove that it's surely better that I'm there! Then I thought why should I have to? And my problem isn't not going to the event it is her opinion that an ex comes before a best friend an I don't think going would change that.

OP posts:
Original poster
StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 16:37

I was worried that weaning a baby at 4 weeks onto solids so that it would sleep longer was very damaging to the baby, I can't stand it when people hurt their babies unnecessarily.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/02/2012 16:40

Well it's certainly not recommended but bloody hell it's no reason do dump a 'close friend' surely?

lisaro · 17/02/2012 16:43

TBH you sound left out and jealous and a little bit precious.

LaBoccaDellaVerita · 17/02/2012 16:44

You just want to dump the friend don't you? And you're scrabbling around for reasons to do so without causing yourself too much guilt. That must be it surely.

Because..........None of your business AT ALL when she weans her baby but if you think it's a child protection issue I'm sure you know what to do. And she mixes with your ex? And you don't like what he does? So take out a full page ad in a sleb magazine and warn all those poor women out there who haven't got the wits to spot an absolute shit when it floats right in front of their faces.
You sound a bit weird.

Original poster
StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 16:46

I'm sorry if I sound it but I am definitely none of the above, just questioning a friendship Grin as I'm sure we all do now and again.

OP posts:
CotesduRhone · 17/02/2012 16:48

You sound like you're looking for reasons to dump her, rather than anything else. YABU.

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 17/02/2012 17:04

I do sort of get where you are coming from OP...

I also had a friend [now downgraded to acquaintance] who decided to stay in touch with an ex of mine and took it upon herself to invite him to all the parties and events that our mutual social circle attended.

It had not been a pleasant amicable break up. It was a mutual split but occurred after I discovered ex had been cheating on me for quite a while with his previous partner. However this was actually secondary to other betrayals where I discovered he had been speaking badly of me to other people and had also been quite emotionally manipulative and cruel [making out I was flirting with other people when I wasn't, all the time he was shagging around].

Any hoo, I was actually happy to be rid and wished him well in his life expecting not to have to socialise with him. Yes, it was my friend's right to be friends with whoever she wanted but really, isn't there an unspoken rule [which surely everyone gets] that friends don't validate someone who has hurt and humiliated a friend of theirs?

I have never sought to stay friends with an ex partner of a good friend and particularly wouldn't if I felt my friend had been wronged in some way. I just wouldn't do it. So I was left with the conclusion that my ex friend was not a real friend of mine and now I purely associate with her on the periphery of my social circle. Perhaps this may be an option you consider with your friend depending how strongly you feel about it?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/02/2012 18:02

It's hard to say without knowing what the event is, but if it's to promote their business or raise money for charity or something than even a TOWIE type sleb could be worth having if it attracts a bit of local media attention.

If that's the lines they are thinking along then they might not want him as much as you think, from a friendship point of view, he's just a useful guest rather than wanted one.

But I think you are going to have to talk to your friend, and I still think your DH is a big part of the problem. If he's the one that's unwilling to go because your ex might be there then your friend might not see it as choosing between you and your ex as choosing between your DH and your ex.

I don't know if your DH has a good reason or not for disliking your ex, because all we have to go on is the fact that he is your ex, is a footballer, and your DH thinks he is a bit of a womaniser/user, based on the fact that they were once in the same industry at work.

On their own, they aren't really big enough reasons to avoid someone and perhaps your friend doesn't think they are good enough reasons to have to chose between your DH and him. You said she was very understanding when you explained those reasons, but without much better ones it wouldn't be unreasonable of her to think your DH could at least manage to be in the same room with him and be civil if necessary.

If you know otherwise, that there are better reasons, and so does she then I'd say to either speak to her again or do as you really seem to want to and just end the friendship.

Can I just ask though, does your husband like your friend? And does she like him?

BillyBollyBandy · 17/02/2012 18:08

I have had a friend like this who actually valued any man's attention over our friendship. Including my exes however terribly they treated me.

I would be wary of anyone who wanted to be friends with someone they only knew through me and had treated me badly.

So for that YANBU

For the weaning Yabu although I would have done a double take too.

Original poster
StrawberrytallCAKE · 17/02/2012 20:41

My dh isn't keen on my friend, neither are my family so he isn't the only one.

My friend does seem to like my dh, she has never said otherwise....it would be crazy for her not to like him as he is wonderful! Then again that is coming from someone who married him.

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 17/02/2012 21:10

I'm a 'wean as close to 6 months as possible' type but I have friends who weaned their kids at 3 and 4 months and it would never even be an issue. 4 weeks would make me Hmm though. Of course people parent differently but when it is VERY different friendships rarely last.