Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To ask DH to change appointment due to holiday

69 replies

DressDownFriday · 16/02/2012 09:22

We are due to go away next week in a cottage - DH, me and 2 DC. Check in on Monday 4pm and leave Friday 10am. Been booked since Christmas - DC really excited. Travelling time about 90 minutes from home.

FIL is currently receiving treatment for a terminal illness. MIL has problems with anxiety and depression and so DH, an only child, has been going to hospital appointments with FIL instead of MIL. There has been a lot hospital visits, appointment etc and DH has had to struggle working long hours and being there for his parents - which of course, anyone would do.

FIL has an appointment next Thursday at 11.30. MIL has asked DH to attend the appointment with FIL which will mean DH missing out on 1 day of, effectively, a 3 day holiday. (Travelling time there and back + appointment + waiting time = more or less the full day). Unfortunately, there is no-one else that can attend the appointment with FIL.

AIBU to have asked DH if the appointment can be moved? I can appreciate that this may not be doable but would like him to try all the same, OR am I being a selfish bitch? I suggested this last night to DH and was met with silence.

This is my first AIBU .

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 16/02/2012 09:24

YABU, if it is only 90 minutes away, you can cope without your Husband for a day of a holiday, because at some point, he and his mother will be coping without your FIL forever...

LilacWaltz · 16/02/2012 09:25

He's terminally ill.

You can go on other holidays. YABU

DinahMoHum · 16/02/2012 09:25

YANBU, its very sad about your FIL, but its not up to him to go to every single appointment, and maybe your MIL needs to sort out the appropriate medication or help for her own problems rather than getting your dh to do things she should be able to do/help with

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 16/02/2012 09:26

I think you'll need your hard hat. I understand your need for a holiday but you must also understand your dh's need to be there for his Dad at such a difficult and horrible time. YABU.
I'd apologise to dh and explain to him why you asked.
If his Dad is terminal then he'll be wanting to do his very utmost to help him in any way while he still can. You've got years ahead to have nice holidays with your husband, he hasn't got that time with his father.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 16/02/2012 09:27

I don't think YABU, but it depends how urgent this appointment is. If it can be change to a few days later then I would want it changed, if they can't give another appointment for another three weeks, then I think you will just have to put up with it.

Your dh should be prepared to phone and find out if it can be changed to another time, but if it can't be then it can't be.

If MIL and FIL want your dh to go to these appointments, they have to accept that they need to be flexible to fit in with his family too.

I also think that there are likely to be tough times ahead if this is a terminal illness, so your dc should have normality for as long as possible before the worst happens.

lilbreeze · 16/02/2012 09:28

yanbu. if the appointment can be changed easily then everyone's happy. do pils realise there's a clash?

quitehappywithhubbythanks · 16/02/2012 09:29

Sorry but yes yabu.

shewhowines · 16/02/2012 09:32

You've already said it's ok if it's not doable so YANBU to see if it can be changed by a day or two.

Original poster

DressDownFriday · 16/02/2012 09:39

I can understand completely that DH wants to be there for his dad. I was asking him to try the appointment for only a day or 2 - I certainly wouldn't expect it to be delayed for anything longer than that.

DH has taken a lot of time off work lately for hospital appointments. Luckily his work are very understanding and accomodating. He has also been taking his mum places as she does not drive - shopping, collecting prescriptions etc. I have been popping in myself and offering to do things but MIL feels that she is putting me out by taking me up on my offer. I work part time and would happily help but I don't know if it's her anxiety/depression that is making a barrier to her asking me iyswim.

I accept that there are tough times ahead and this is why I would like DH to enjoy a full break with us.

OP posts:

COCKadoodledooo · 16/02/2012 09:41

Sorry, but YABU. His dad is dying. There'll be plenty of time for uninterrupted holidays.

LIZS · 16/02/2012 09:43

Depends on the type of appointment. Can it reasonably be delayed or is it part of a specific surgery time? Could FIL go on his own (by taxi or hospital transport if needs be) or could it be later in the day and you come home after lunch?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 16/02/2012 09:43

Is your dh prepared to even try to change the day of the appointment?

LilacWaltz · 16/02/2012 09:47

Well it WILL be more than 'a day or two' won't it!?

His appointment is on thurs. So it's very likely they could only accommodate the following week as I assume weekends the hosp dept will be shut!

starfishmummy · 16/02/2012 09:58

YANBU. It is a sad situation and I do sympathise and I understand that your DH wants to be there for his father. However I think your MIL and FIL need to sort themselves out because you or your DH may not always be available.

squeakytoy · 16/02/2012 10:06

However I think your MIL and FIL need to sort themselves out because you or your DH may not always be available

Yes, when you are dying, you must of course sort yourself out...

If it were one of my parents, I would put them first in this situation, not a holiday, that can be taken at any time.

Maybe the husband WANTS to be with his Dad at this time, I know if it were me, helping my father would take precedence over one day of a holiday.

LilacWaltz · 16/02/2012 10:08

I would for my parents too squeaky!! In a heartbeat!

A holiday in bloody February is something which can be cut short IMO!

duckdodgers · 16/02/2012 10:12

However I think your MIL and FIL need to sort themselves out because you or your DH may not always be available.

Did you mean that to sound as heartless as it does! This poor man is dying and his wife will be trying to deal with that to - this is OPs husbands parents, of course hes going to want to help. As always in these situations OP ask yourself if you would do it for your Dad if he was dying.

eurochick · 16/02/2012 10:14

For me, whether or not you are being unreasonable depends on how urgent the appointment is and what it is for. If it is fairly routine, it would be reasonable to see if it could be changed. Leaving aside your own desire for a holiday, it would probably be in your husband's interest to have some fun time with the family. If it needs to happen next week, or it is to pick up some results and he waiting is causing your PIL stress, then he should cut the holiday short.

Clytaemnestra · 16/02/2012 10:15

You're not unreasonable to ask if they can change it, you would be extremely unreasonable to tell him not to go if it can't be changed.

Voidka · 16/02/2012 10:21

I have to say I think you are being quite selfish - your FIL is dying and you are worried about a holiday.

Imagine the other way around, Your DH was terminally ill and you had asked your PIL to babysit your children while you went to the hospital, then they said they couldnt come then because they were going on holiday, so could you rearrange it.

chipsplease · 16/02/2012 10:27

How long has your husband been this involved in helping them?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 16/02/2012 10:32

I don't think it's selfish to want your husband to spend some quality time with you and your children at all.

bemybebe · 16/02/2012 10:35

Holiday or a help to a dying parent... hmm... a real toughie I wonder what your dc's choice will be when the time comes.

FuckUAndTheHorseURodeInOn · 16/02/2012 10:41

My father is terminally ill OP and i do all i can to help.

However, I understand your feelings, of course. YANBU.

tiddleypompom · 16/02/2012 10:42

I can completely understand why you are so disappointed but dont think you can ask your husband to make that choice. If anything happened to your FIL whilst you were away or as a result of missing the appt you would never forgive yourself (and DH might not either).

Shame to disrupt your much anticipated holiday but you must.

Flip

1 2 3