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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to change appointment due to holiday

69 replies

DressDownFriday · 16/02/2012 09:22

We are due to go away next week in a cottage - DH, me and 2 DC. Check in on Monday 4pm and leave Friday 10am. Been booked since Christmas - DC really excited. Travelling time about 90 minutes from home.

FIL is currently receiving treatment for a terminal illness. MIL has problems with anxiety and depression and so DH, an only child, has been going to hospital appointments with FIL instead of MIL. There has been a lot hospital visits, appointment etc and DH has had to struggle working long hours and being there for his parents - which of course, anyone would do.

FIL has an appointment next Thursday at 11.30. MIL has asked DH to attend the appointment with FIL which will mean DH missing out on 1 day of, effectively, a 3 day holiday. (Travelling time there and back + appointment + waiting time = more or less the full day). Unfortunately, there is no-one else that can attend the appointment with FIL.

AIBU to have asked DH if the appointment can be moved? I can appreciate that this may not be doable but would like him to try all the same, OR am I being a selfish bitch? I suggested this last night to DH and was met with silence.

This is my first AIBU .

OP posts:

gettingalifenow · 16/02/2012 13:48

It sounds harsh but bytheway is right. When your parents and in laws are in ill health and in their 80 s, the rest of life just can't stop - my MiL has not been Able to leave the house for 5 years and is very dependent but those 5 years coincide with my kids being teenagers - to stay home and not go far is just not fair on them. And she may still be with us 5 years from now - you just don't know.

friday it sounds like you are still in the phase of not really knowing where you stand and not yet having a plan worked out so it does sound like it would be better if your DH could be there...

If its centre parcs you're heading to,you can go early Monday and leave late friday to extend the holiday time...

Vix286 · 16/02/2012 13:49

YANBU I don't give a monkeys if I sound callous, my Dad died of cancer and then MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer a week after he died and unless you have lived through the draining experience of having a terminal illness in a family for years you don't realise what one day's break actually means.

And I tell you what OP, those holidays you can have once he is gone? Forget it, MIL will be along as well and if she's not you'll be feeling guilty that she isn't.

Great that everyone loves their parents so much but our life has never been the same since our parents died as we have to always change our life to meet their needs and if we don't then we feel guilty about it!

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 16/02/2012 13:50

My comment about nuisance was not directed at you OP, just a general observation that I have made from similiar threads were there has been an inlaw whose needs have appeared to be a rude interruption into family life.....A perfect example...

Well obviously that was aimed at me Squeaky and I kind of expected that response and of course I can see its validity but I stand by what I said: I honestly believe that a couple's first responsibility is to their off spring rather than their forebears. In an ideal world there would be no clash of course. And as I said, I am much nearer to being the older generation than the younger one so it's not a wholly self interested pov. And mainly I was offering moral support to the OP

Still, each to his/her own!

AThingInYourLife · 16/02/2012 14:07

You need to talk to your DH about his long term plans.

He can't really expect to put your family life on hold completely for the next 9 years.

You both need to figure out what is doable for FIL while balancing his needs with those of your own family. As he declines, obviously you will need to offer more and more support, but what you have now is a medium-term diagnosis, so treating it as an ongoing emergency is not sustainable.

It sounds like this is an important appointment for your DH to be at, so he should go.

But there is no way his work and your children will be patient and understanding if he continues to prioritise his father above all else for the best part of a decade.

bemybebe · 17/02/2012 00:12

"I do have young adult children who have children of their own and I make it clear all the time that I expect nothing of them other than that they look after each other and their children."

My ex-h was brought up by a mother who "expected nothing" of him. He turned out to be a selfish prat who walked over people to get where he wanted in life. Have done very well for himself career-wise and financially, but I am happy to be rid of him.

GrahamTribe · 17/02/2012 00:17

I'm shocked that you'd even consider it. The man is dying for Pete's sake.

Smurfy1 · 17/02/2012 05:40

Yes you are! Your FIL, your husband's father and your children's grandfather is dying

Is it really appropriate to be that selfish over 1 day of your holiday, its not like your having to cancel it altogether

gettingalifenow · 17/02/2012 08:01

This is one of those threads where the latest posters haven't read the full thread - he's not dying he's terminal - the OP has already said he may have years And years to live.....he may not, though, and that is what the OP is conflicted about, that's what she needs help with talking through.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 17/02/2012 08:23

YANBU I think asking whether appointment can be moved to previous or following week is very sensible. If doctor says no then you know where you stand. If you husband can have an uninterrupted holiday and go to the appointment that surely the best outcome.

diddl · 17/02/2012 08:37

Isn´t it up to the husband & FIL though?

Perhaps this is an appointment that FIL would rather not delay & husband is OK with missing one day of his holiday?

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 17/02/2012 08:44

I think op gets a say too as it impacts on her too. She is not trying to stop DH going just asking him to find out whether it can be changed.

diddl · 17/02/2012 08:51

Well she has had her say-she asked.

And I agree that it impacts her-but for me it would seem that it´s more fuss to change things than to leave it tbh.

For me I can´t imagine saying more than "what a shame that you´ll miss some of your holiday".

With his mother not supporting her husband, OPs husband probably feels that not changing appointments is the least he can do for his father!

I agree that it might not be sustainable indefinitely though.

AThingInYourLife · 17/02/2012 08:52

Yes, it impacts on her and on the children.

So it is not just about what FIL and DH want.

There's a whole family here whose needs need to be balanced.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 17/02/2012 09:54

But Diddl asking whether appointment can be changed is far less hassle than travelling back from family holiday. I honestly cannot see the harm in asking. It's the sensible thing to do and fairest all round.

diddl · 17/02/2012 10:18

But perhaps husband would rather do it whilst he has holiday booked than take more time off work?

And fairest to whom?

OP & children for not having to have holiday time without their husband/father.

But for husband & FIL it still has to be done at some point.

giraffes · 17/02/2012 10:37

I think blu is rightest - 'I think it will be most supportive if you can refrain fom being another source of pressure on him at this worst of times'
I see where you are coming from totally, and that you're not just being selfish but considering your dh's well-being, but as your suggestion was met with silence, I think pursuing it any further with your dh would be unhelpful. Even if he didn't go to the appointment or changed it, I don't imagine either of you would be totally happy, so for now just be the bigger person and be there for your dh.
You'll have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings together, as well as all day Tuesday and Wednesday and some of Monday and Friday - so its more like a 4 day holiday.
I know it sounds like you want a total break but if your FIL is very ill then in a way there's no way to fully escape that. Good luck.

Original poster

DressDownFriday · 17/02/2012 15:40

Apologies, I thought the thread had finished and didn't realise people were still posting.

Think you all for posting - lots of interesting view points.

I have not mentioned the appointment again and fully respect dh decision to go.

With hindsight I do feel a little selfish and just to make me feel worse dh came back from seeing his parents last and they had given him cash equivalent to the price of the holiday. They were disappointed they couldn't come with us and wanted us to have the money (dh did say they were very insistent despite his protests). Lets hope he will be well enough go somewhere in a couple of months time.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 17/02/2012 16:10

I think that you might have to accept that this year is going to be tough and better to not organize weekends or holidays for all of you but only for you and dcs.

Your dh is not unreasonable at all to want to support his parents but you are also not unreasonable to want a break for yourself. Many women holiday alone with the dcs or with a friend and dcs.

It must be stressfull and tiring for all of you

AThingInYourLife · 17/02/2012 17:45

Going on holidays alone with your children isn't much of a break for yourself.

Nor does it address the issue of the children's need to spend time with their father.

You shouldn't write off an entire year of family life - there is a balance to be struck here.

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