To ask DH to change appointment due to holiday

[DressDownFriday]

We are due to go away next week in a cottage - DH, me and 2 DC. Check in on Monday 4pm and leave Friday 10am. Been booked since Christmas - DC really excited. Travelling time about 90 minutes from home.

FIL is currently receiving treatment for a terminal illness. MIL has problems with anxiety and depression and so DH, an only child, has been going to hospital appointments with FIL instead of MIL. There has been a lot hospital visits, appointment etc and DH has had to struggle working long hours and being there for his parents - which of course, anyone would do.

FIL has an appointment next Thursday at 11.30. MIL has asked DH to attend the appointment with FIL which will mean DH missing out on 1 day of, effectively, a 3 day holiday. (Travelling time there and back + appointment + waiting time = more or less the full day). Unfortunately, there is no-one else that can attend the appointment with FIL.

AIBU to have asked DH if the appointment can be moved? I can appreciate that this may not be doable but would like him to try all the same, OR am I being a selfish bitch? I suggested this last night to DH and was met with silence.

This is my first AIBU .

Well it´s only one day of the holiday-surely it´s as easy for the appointment to stay as it is rather than husband take another day off work?

What is MIL going to do when on her own?

I mean practically from day to day if she can´t get to shops/chemist?

Does FIL need/want someone with him every visit?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask his parents to arrange ambulance transport for that one appointment. Does MIL never leave the house? I would have thought she could attend one appointment with her husband. I suspect your husband could do with a break for a few days as "terminal" illnesses can go on for months and be very draining for all concerned, not just the ill person.
Whether or not the appointment can be changed will depend on the type of appointment it is. If it isn't for chemo and just for a general check up then it may be possible to move it back a week. Your husband could enquire.

OP whether or not YABU will depend on a lot of things.

How urgent is the appointment and what it's for? Chemo treatment session, for example, urgent and non-negotiable. BP check and how are you chat with nurse, movable by a bit.

How likely are you to get another family holiday and how long has it been? If this is the first of three this year and you went away loads last year, you're BU. If this is the only break you've had in ages and the only one you can afford for another age, then you've got way more right to try and conserve the time.

And finally, how 'terminal' is 'terminal'? Some things are 'terminal' because there is nothing more that can be done. That doesn't always mean death is imminent. If your FIL has only a few weeks left, then of course your DH wants (and should) be there as much as possible. If this is something that could potentially go on for months or even years, then something has to give. You can't continually back-seat your children and family life and your DH's employers aren't (probably) going to carry on being so understanding.

I only ask all this because I've had a relative in a similar scenario who, although 'terminal', lived for almost two years post diagnosis. The constant 'but she's dying' drained everyone immensely, as nothing else was ever, ever allowed to interfere even slightly, and frankly, probably, did more to ruin her quality of life in those two years than the actual illness did. In fact, only the last 6 weeks really showed she was, actually, 'dying'. She could have had a full, reasonably normal life to that point, but didn't, because of all the hype around the 'terminal' diagnosis.

Can understand both arguments here. Where is the appointment? Could perhaps FIL get a taxi and MIL go with him? But it really boils down to whether or not your DH wants to go with his father, I think it's his choice & you need to respect his decision.

YABU. When my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness with a poor prognosis, DH and I went out of our way to make sure we were available to help as much as we could and to spend as much time as possible with dad. We would not have contemplated going on holiday, planned or not, at the expense of being around for both my dad and mum. Think how you would feel if it was your parents and your DH was putting a holiday above them.

YABU - his dad is dying for god sake!!! I am not surprised your request was met with silence.......I hope you are a bit more supportive of your DH in the future!

I agree with euro - it depends on what the appointment is for.

Your DH still needs time to relax and his children need to spend time with him.

You can make something your top priority without disregarding everything else.

If it's a routine appointment that could be easily moved, it seems silly to for a man under so much pressure to miss out on holiday to attend it.

What do people think single people do when they have to go to hospital? It's not compulsory to have someone attend appointments with you. My 84 year old Granny manages it when her children have to work.

No, it isnt compulsory, and I am sure most people could manage if they had to, but that isnt the point really. The point is that most people care enough about their parents to WANT to be there for them when that parent is dying.

I am often (but less so as time goes on) gobsmacked by the selfishness of people on this board, who seem to think that their inlaws become some sort of inconvenient nuisance who have no importance or place in immediate family once a husband or wife is on the scene.

Your mum in law is most likely reluctant to accept your help as she knows how grudgingly it's offered. She probably feels the hostility.

90 minutes drive there, even an hour tops for appt, 90 mins back, is four hours of your holiday...

I think the silence from your DH is strongly indicative of his wish to be there for his father.

YABU - supporting a dying parent is important.

I agree with ginnybag it depends on many things. Not least, what type of appointment it is and secondly how ill he currently is - just because he's terminal doesn't mean he can't still cope with an appointment on his own ( although if he has had lots of recent appointments it doesn't sound as though he's very well right now).

Terminally ill doesn't always the end is imminent - luckily some people still have many years in front of them

Thanks for all the replies. I knew this might not have gone down well.

I'm going to go with my original thought and not mention the appointment again to DH. I know he would like to go in order to get full answers and explanations. It is a general 'what to do next' appointment and FIL does not always question things (not suprising when there's so much to take in) so DH will take in more of what's happening. MIL would get very upset at an appointment.

There's a suggestion that I'm treating MIL and FIL as a nuisance. That's completely wrong. They are both lovely people and we spend alot of time with them. When I originally booked the holiday I was hoping that they would have both come with us if FIL had been well enough

His illness is terminal but we don't know any time scales. His consultant said he has treated people for 7/9 years with this illness. other people we have spoken to have mentioned only 1 or 2 years. His illness was diagnosed early and I suppose it depends how well the treatment goes. He had an operation 2 months ago and has been going through a slow recovery with a lot of pain.

MIL is of good mobility and has shops not too far from where she lives.

I may be asking for a borrow of your hard hat Friday because I think some of the people who say YABU are being a bit harsh.

As others have said, it depends on the exact circumstances: I won't repeat what Ginnybagsaid but I think she has it beautifully covered.

But I have to take issue with those who are saying you have years and years ahead of you: of course that may very well be true but it may not (gosh that's morbid and I am biting my tongue as I say it!) and your own DH/DC family time is precious too. And the other thing is that your MiL seems to be extraordinarily needy (though of course I don't know how old she is) and it seems likely that you may well be sharing your DH with her for huge amounts of time after FiL sadly dies. In other cultures this may well be the norm and may well be a better model, but like a lot of westerners, it makes me wince a bit. My own view is that she should be encoraged to 'sort herself out' (though I agree that's a fairly callous way of putting it

And I know I am sounding more and more awful with every word...so in my defence (a bit) I should point out that I am no-one's DiL but I do have young adult children who have children of their own and I make it clear all the time that I expect nothing of them other than that they look after each other and their children.

Good luck Friday If it helps I think yiou sound very sensitive and I really understand your dilemma

I suppose I am being selfish in wanting DH there for the holiday. He has worked long hours recently - as well as weekends - and is looking drained. My father died a number of years ago and it too was a long illness. I can certainly remember wanting to be there for him, so I fully understand what DH is going through BUT I am also aware of the toll it is taking on him and to be "on call" all the time may have a detrimental effect on his own health.

I think it is very important that he does attend that appointment then, to be honest. It cant be easy for a patient, or their husband/wife to be discussing a terminal illness. :( and very understandable that your MIL is likely to be very upset at such an appointment too.

My comment about nuisance was not directed at you OP, just a general observation that I have made from similiar threads were there has been an inlaw whose needs have appeared to be a rude interruption into family life.

And the other thing is that your MiL seems to be extraordinarily needy (though of course I don't know how old she is) and it seems likely that you may well be sharing your DH with her for huge amounts of time after FiL sadly dies. In other cultures this may well be the norm and may well be a better model, but like a lot of westerners, it makes me wince a bit. My own view is that she should be encoraged to 'sort herself out' (though I agree that's a fairly callous way of putting it

A perfect example... :(

YABalittleU but I can understand where you are coming from.

Make sure you make most of the Monday and Friday. Check in from 4pm but you can arrive early and use all the facilities, same on Friday

Hi - we are in a very similar position -

FIL is terminally ill, but the prognosis is anything up to 6 years - we only found this out because MIL played the "you can't have ANY FUN AT ALL - your father is dying and I need you to ferry me about card" once too often and DH went into an appointment with him and found that short term prognosis is good, medium term ok and long term is the only issue - he is already 82!!!

So, sorry MN, but we booked a holiday - he had a blood test appointment come up in the middle, MIL played the usual merry Hell, so we booked hospital transport for him and all went just fine.

Family life does not stop or go on hold because someone may die in the next 6 years.... or does everyone with elderly parents just not go anywhere or do anything just in case?

squeakytoy I'm not sure whether or not you agree with what you quoted. I agree with it. I lost my DH at home a year ago (expected) and have two DSS with families. They were so supportive (my DS lives abroad and does what he can). I have tried and succeeded in carrying on with my life, still doing what my DH and I did before. I had to make myself do it though. I cannot sit at home relying on others - I am not a taker. I did 'sort myself out' because my DH would have wanted me to carry on what he did. I still have weepy times occasionally but they are in private. Perhaps MiL could speak to a counsellor or speak to a palliative nurse. They are good to listen to and can prepare you for what is coming.

YANBU. There is nothing wrong with needed a short (it's only a few days, people!) break from a life full of demands. I'm sre it would do you all the world of good.

It's worth trying to change it, if you DH wants to, but it may be too short notice.

MIL has spoken to Macmillan nurse who has been very helpful. MIL has the biggest heart and is the kindest person I have ever met but gets weepy very easily. I think she is worried about "showing herself up" at the appointments by crying too much and much prefers to stay at home.

If the appointment is changed it will presumably be to a time when your DH has to juggle it with work, thereby putting more pressure on his time?

You have the weekends either side of this to be with him, I think it will be most supportive if you can refrain fom being another source of pressure on him at this worst of times. He'll be back for the evening all together, and if the place is only 90 mins away you can have the day away after you have cleared out of the cottage at 10 (usual time).You'll have most of the Monday, too. It's not as if you have 2 long travel days.

No wonder you were met by silence. Yabu.

Of course YANBU. This is not a 'few weeks' situation. It seems it is an illness, that, whilst terminal, could be ongoing for years. It's not unreasonable to suggest that this appointment might be able to be rearranged for the following week. You mention MacMillan so I'm assuming it's cancer, and, believe me, all the medical staff I've met in those circumstances emphasise that it does not matter if something is done this week or next week. You say this is an appointment to talk about 'where to go next' - they will be happy to reschedule to a time when your dh can be there. Your dh is clearly under a lot of stress too , and a short break will no doubt do him the world of good.
How sad though, that people (your in laws in this case) do not have anyone close enough to attend appointments with them when they feel they need to. I had many people offer to go with me to things, to save me either being on my own or dh having to take more time off work. Friends, not relatives.