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Original poster

Teenage meltdown

55 replies

Divorcedand2teenDDs · 14/02/2012 11:34

After a calm couple of days I had melt down with my younger (14) daughter last night. I was tired and wanting her to be grateful for all she has (and I work so hard for) and she was doing the usual, bolshie teenager thing that I have recently been so much better at not getting riled by. So, it was my fault and childish of me to tip water on her. I have apologised but she's not talking to me and I feel really vulnerable. She threatened last night to go to her father (who left me 2yrs ago after 20years marriage) and she and her sister are out with him today. So here I am on my tod on valentine's day, in need of reassurance and a morale boost. Can anyone help, please?

OP posts:
Kayano · 14/02/2012 11:37

You tipped water on her?

What had she actually done? Or had you just decided that she should be grateful? I'm confused Confused

LilacWaltz · 14/02/2012 11:39

You tipped water on her? That's a bit harsh, but you already know that.

Sorry op, it's hard work with teens. Deep breath and carry on as you were

PurplePidjin · 14/02/2012 11:41

From what you've posted, going to live with dad would be a bloody goid idea! Do you regularly physically, and I assume it was done in anger so verbally, abuse your children?

KWL51 · 14/02/2012 11:41

oh sorry but i did lol at tipping water on her. so many times i have been tempted to do the same to ds1.
The only thing I cna offer is that there are many in the same boat. ds1 is the same in not seeming to notice how lucky he is to have such a good lifestyle, that we work hard for. Like you i'm divorced from the man I was with for 18 yrs almost.
But i guess teens don;t see it that way. I do beleive that deep down they do appreciate everythign we do for them and that in time they will say thank you.
I also imagine that it was just a threat to leave. ds1 left and went to his dads last year, but was soon pleading to come home, it was a long way from his friends and school and his dad works long hours so he'd often be home from after school to 9 at night and have to fend for himself.
Try and enjoy the peace and quiet and make the most of the day to yourself, don;t dwell on it being valentines day, just another day. But one you get to do what you want to do, eat what you want to eat, watch what you want.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 14/02/2012 11:41

Teenagers are never grateful for what they have because they do not have anything to compare it to (like not having anything). They just take it all for granted.

With my son at that age I told him that, if he wasn't satisfied with what he had, I would pack his suitcase and IF his father would have him then he could go and live with him. He didn't go, of course.

You could always try a week with no pocket money, no phone, no internet, no tv, and minimal food?

inchoccyheaven · 14/02/2012 11:42

It was only water and you apologised. It will be fine, we all have our off days and you realised that was one of yours.

Enjoy the peace and do something for yourself Brew today.

usualsuspect · 14/02/2012 11:42

I think you need to pick your battles .

LeBOF · 14/02/2012 11:44

How hot was the water?

noddyholder · 14/02/2012 11:44

Agree with picking your battles You will never win with a teenager even when you think you have they are plotting your demise behind the fake smile and the sullen sorry! Walking away often saves the day

KWL51 · 14/02/2012 11:45

ooh harsh feedback for the water. I'm assuming it was a glassfull of coll water and not a kettle of boiling hot water? Some people are lucky and have teens that they don't clash with or let it wash over them, but others have teens that can wind them up and water seems relativley painless to me. I've never done it to my teen or younger children but can very mush see why in the heat of the moment op did it.

KWL51 · 14/02/2012 11:45

cool not coll

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 11:46

Glass of water is better than a slap round the face. Teenagers push us to our very limits, quite deliberately, pushing boundaries.

You've apologised. She's sulking. We can see who the adult is.

Trouble with teenagers is - they know it all - they forget we know all the tricks in the book because we invented it.

A cup of water if they wontget out of bed or get off the sofa and do chores is hardly going to make them shrink.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2012 11:51

I don't think it's the actual 'glass of water' that's the issue here.

The issue is you were obviously out of control when you did that.

Are you sure a few weeks at her Dad's wouldn't do you both the world of good?

Perhaps you need a break from one another.

You wouldn't be the first parent to need a break and you won't be the last.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 14/02/2012 11:51

You have apologised. Teenagers do push parents' buttons - sometimes just for effect, sometimes because something is troubling them and they act out their fears and frustrations and they know the parent is a safe target (usually) to vent on. Have you read the teenage-rearing bible here?

That said, perhaps you could send a text saying something like, I did something stupid. I am sorry. Can we talk?

Put the ball in her court and try not to worry to much about what you did. If it's a one off then you may both have learned a valuable lesson. If you are finding it really tough to stay calm andnot lash out like this, parenting groups can provide support.

Final thought, she has lost her stability because her DF left - she may be testing you to see if you will walk out too? (Amateur psychology apology).

IDontLikeBaking · 14/02/2012 11:53

My DD 14 and DS 13 could compete at Olympic level for sulking and being ungrateful.
She prob knows that not talking to you is really upsetting you which is why she is still doing it.
We all have days where we do things we maybe wouldn't normally do, if it makes you feel better I had a running battle with my DD about constantly slamming the bedroom door which of course she kept doing so I took a screwdriver and took the door off it's hindges. I know it's very childish (and probably mean and abusive) but sometimes they push you to your limit.
Sit back and relax, it will get better xx

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 11:53

Bouncing children between parents because one 'needs' a break is rarely a good idea. It stops continuity and causes a great deal of further behaviour which usually manifests in school due the insecurity of the home situation. It rams home the message "Im naughty, mum doesnt want me"

plainwhitet · 14/02/2012 11:54

well I completely sympathise, OP (in fact my name should be SeparatedandtwoteenDDs) so I am fully in tune with your situation ... 15yr old has been horrible twice this half term - always sounds petty when put down in writing but god they can be so maddening. Have not resorted to the glass of water but easily could ... my word for it is "entitled" they think they are so blasted entitled and have no idea how lucky they are. Hate complaining to Ex though as of course he is the perfect parent . Easy when you see them just for two weekends in a three week cycle.
Hope you have a really good day on your own today - I think in the end they will appreciate us.
Could you get a good film to watch on tv with the girls tonight? Often works with us (if they can be dragged off i player etc ....)

Kayano · 14/02/2012 11:54

The differencein reaction in her tipping water on her child and if a man had tipped water on his partner

Ah mumsnet...

Seriously... What was the context? We're you arguing?
You mention about DH leaving you after 20 years... She will have had a hell of an upheaval too and was only 12 at the
Time. Not excusing bad behaviour but could she be having difficulties with you bein apart?

Nagoo · 14/02/2012 11:55

Grin @ expecting her to be grateful.

I don't think I can make you feel better, but I'm quietly confident (having been in your daughter's position) that she'll come round, and you can have a chat when she comes back and this will be forgotten.

I sympathise, and I think that while the water wasn't something you'll want to be repeating, it wasn't a terrible unforgiveable thing to do in the heat of the moment.

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 11:57

Nothing but sympathy from me. My DD is nearly 17 and I remember this phase well. It WILL pass. You're not alone. My dd could sulk for Britain and she also used to run to daddy. I learned to use the space from her to reassert myself and remember that I was the adult. Water never hurt anyone, and anyone using the term 'abuse' in this thread should be ignored. You've apologised, put the matter to bed. You'll both look back and laugh. Promise.

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 12:01

You should try living with a mardy 17yo boy in your face with entitlement ..... that would put a whole new perspective on it.

BackforGood · 14/02/2012 12:01

I think the "wanting her to be grateful for all that she has" bit is where you went wrong. Teenagers aren't wired that way.
You need to come back and explain the fact you tipped water on her, to us, as that really isn't normal behaviour for an adult, however much your teens (or any age child) is winding you up.

Whatmeworry · 14/02/2012 12:02

Glass of water is better than a slap round the face. Teenagers push us to our very limits, quite deliberately, pushing boundaries.

That.

diddl · 14/02/2012 12:03

You "punished" her with the water, she´s "punishing" you by not talking to you.

Enjoy it whilst it lasts I say.

And have a bag packed ready for next time she threatens to leaveGrin

OrmIrian · 14/02/2012 12:06

I hate that bloody word! Grateful! Why are children supposed to be grateful for being loved, cared for and looked after. I think it is a word that should be expunged from the Parent-Child dictionary. Children Don't Have To Be GRATEFUL for being parented.

But the odd 'thanks mum ' is always appreciated but I have found it's more forthcoming if you don't use the G-word,