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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teenage meltdown

55 replies

Divorcedand2teenDDs · 14/02/2012 11:34

After a calm couple of days I had melt down with my younger (14) daughter last night. I was tired and wanting her to be grateful for all she has (and I work so hard for) and she was doing the usual, bolshie teenager thing that I have recently been so much better at not getting riled by. So, it was my fault and childish of me to tip water on her. I have apologised but she's not talking to me and I feel really vulnerable. She threatened last night to go to her father (who left me 2yrs ago after 20years marriage) and she and her sister are out with him today. So here I am on my tod on valentine's day, in need of reassurance and a morale boost. Can anyone help, please?

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 14/02/2012 12:07

What OrmIrian said

Original poster

Divorcedand2teenDDs · 14/02/2012 12:12

Thanks to all of you who've been there and shown understanding and perspective. It does help to know I'm not the only one who loses it occasionally. And that it will blow over. I'll ignore the ones who clearly don't have teenagers, or are just perfect parents themselves. Single parenting is not easy and I guess DDs must feel pretty rejected given they gets 1 or 2 evenings a week with their dad since he became too busy bringing up the 3 kids of his new partner (the one I found out he was sending flowers to 2 years before he declared he was leaving...). Have a good day all you single parents out there. It's nice to think maybe our kids will appreciate our efforts one day.

OP posts:

KinkyDorito · 14/02/2012 12:14

My mum turned the hosepipe on me in anger when I was in my 20s. I forgave her. Have a restful day and eat chocolate. I'm sure she will calm down soon.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 14/02/2012 12:14

Oh I agree Orm, although it's bloody difficult sometimes to remember that when they clearly have no appreciation for the things they have over and above a particular threshold.

I remember thinking "well I never asked to be born". Which is fair enough, really. I was an ungrateful little cow though.

diddl · 14/02/2012 12:17

Well, I wonder how many children are just "parented" these days.

OrmIrian · 14/02/2012 12:19

BTW I have a teenage son, and a soon-to-be teenage DD. They aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. I just don't expect them to be grateful.

OrmIrian · 14/02/2012 12:20

And IIRC actually being a teenage was a hideous experience.

BackforGood · 14/02/2012 12:20

Same as Orm - I have 2 teenagers (+ 1 in waiting), and I don't expect mine to be grateful either. Sometimes though, they do come up and thank you but that's a bonus, not an expectation.

troisgarcons · 14/02/2012 12:23

FWIW, when my office mate and I are having that Monday morning moan, she looks at me pityingly and says"The trouble with you is, you're still married to their father so you can't pack them off" Don't think she's joking either!

I don't ever remember being like my eldest, I was more like Middle who will have an eye roll and a sigh then do what ever is asked without moaning. He also learned at a young age that "I need XYZ for school, are you able to get it on payday?" works wonders to the "I want" hystrionics of my eldest.

Children don't come with manuals, mores the pity, you do your best and hope your best is good enough. Enough saints in Heaven for my liking

Aribura · 14/02/2012 12:23

"The differencein reaction in her tipping water on her child and if a man had tipped water on his partner"

Because they're not the same. Try telling Mumsnet you gave your child a little smack for misbehaving and you will not get the same reaction, shockingly, as saying that your husband smacked you.

usualsuspect · 14/02/2012 12:23

I have 1 teenager and have 2 grown up dds ,I'm not perfect neither are my kids but I never expected them to be eternally grateful to me

I never wanted to spend all their teenage years fighting with them either , so I picked my battles

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 12:24

Killing myself at hosepipe mum. Legend.

Maryz · 14/02/2012 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shagmundfreud · 14/02/2012 12:38

The opposite of 'grateful' is actually 'entitled' when it comes to teenagers. Not a good thing.

OP - I feel for you. My 12 year old dd can be really obnoxious and has driven me to the edge of reason and beyond. I have taken a hand to her in the past year once or twice, which I regret sorely (by which I've smacked her arm when she's been screaming and swearing at me - not that I've whacked her round the face or taken a belt to her). I've promised myself that I'll never do it again. Finding it a challenge though. A couple of weeks ago she pulled laundry out all over the floor in the kitchen after I'd (politely) asked her to empty the washing machine for me. Her response was to saunter right up to me, invading my personal space, and say 'I'm not picking it up. And what are you going to do about it? You can't touch me. If you touch me I'm calling the police'.

Her behaviour has been deeply unpleasant towards me in particular. She uses me as a punch bag and sometimes it's very hard to take.

How you cope with TWO girls on your own is beyond me OP.

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 14/02/2012 12:38

Abuse? GET REAL!!!!!

IDontLikeBaking · 14/02/2012 12:40

I did that, when my 13 y/0 DS said he was going to live with grandma, I asked him if he wanted any sandwiches for the journey :)
It actually made us both laugh

Kayano · 14/02/2012 12:41

I don't get the 'thanks to the posters who agree, I'll ignore the
Posters who don't as they clearly
Don't have teenagers'

Ok so why not post in teenagers if you only want certain answers...

Maryz · 14/02/2012 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyClarissaArseQuack · 14/02/2012 12:43

You lost your temper.
Don't beat yourself up over it. You are neither Ghandi or the United Nations.
Shit happens; none of us are perfect.

OrmIrian · 14/02/2012 12:45

I would expect gratitude for things they are given - ie new phone, b'day presents etc, just like anyone else. I don't think however they should have a generalised sense of gratitude towards their parents who are simply doing what they should. And of course they should feel entitled - who more so?

OrmIrian · 14/02/2012 12:48

But yes, I've lost my rag with DS1 at times. It would try the patience of a saint not to. He loses his with me sometimes as well Don't beat yourself about that.

MCos · 14/02/2012 12:48

Expect them to be grateful - Not really
Expect them to be ungrateful brats - not that either.
There is a middle ground there somewhere.

I have a teen in waiting who can be very ungrateful. On a bad day, it seems like nothing is good enough for her, and nothing or nobody can please her. Drives me crazy sometimes, and I do snap at her sometimes about it.

So you have my sympathy.

Pandemoniaa · 14/02/2012 12:50

YABU in expecting gratitude. No child has to feel grateful and certainly, it isn't a condition that comes easily to teenagers. It's a turbulent time for them (I was a single parent when mine were teenagers too) and the best thing you can offer is security and understanding. Even when they are being bloody difficult. I've not forgotten the day when I threw a strop and chucked the (just decorated) Christmas Tree out in the garden because I'd had enough of the moody bickering. To say they were shocked was an understatement since they'd always assumed that they had the monopoly on having a strop and it was my job to be the voice of calm reason. So losing it occasionally does less harm than you might think.

As it happens, you might be surprised at your daughter's attitude when she gets older and the emotional tempest has calmed a little. Only both my sons (now 30 and 29) have thanked me for keeping things together and providing what they now say was a very happy and secure upbringing. But I never expected this.

It doesn't hurt to apologise to your dd but also, pick your battles and leave "gratitude" out of your discussions with her.

Voidka · 14/02/2012 12:55

I cant believe you tipped water on her!

Meglet · 14/02/2012 12:57

My mum threw a glass of water at me when I was a teenager and refusing to get up for school. I was a fucking nightmare though.

I stayed with my Grandparents for a week when it got really bad. It stopped one of us being done for murder.

Heaven knows how I'll deal with my teens when the time comes. OP, you have my sympathy.

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