Should I tell my pregnant friend my views on abortion?

[HelpNotHinder]

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine confided in me that she is pregnant, and that she has no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. The situation with her ex/exes is complicated, she has just started a new but unstable job, and she has just moved back in with her mum. She is obviously really upset at the whole situation. She has a doctors appointment this afternoon to discuss this, but from what I can gather she is about 5 weeks. I have known this girl all my life and although we are like chalk and cheese, we have always been good friends. I feel I am the only person she really trusts, and am the only one she has told about this.

She has said she will come to see me after her appointment this afternoon. Initially she was quite upset but determined 'deal with it' (her words), and never to tell anyone. I tried to remain neutral and was supportive of her decisions. But we have been exchanging emails, and a couple of times she has asked the dreaded question- 'what would you do?'. I glossed over with supportive statements about how it's her own decision, and not to allow other people's opinions to affect you blah blah. But I know she will ask again when I see her...

...Honestly? We are so different and in such different positions I find it hard to imagine myself living her life. What should she do? Whatever she will feel happiest with in the long term, but how can you really know that? What would I do? Well, I have a DD who is 8mths old and a wonderful DH, have never been in a toxic relationship and am generally content with my life. But imagining myself the best I can in her position, single and with an unwanted pregnancy, I still think I would end up keeping the baby. But that's me, and looking at my beautiful daughter, I couldn't think anything else. I really don't know what she should do, so I don't want to guess and upset her.

So, in my long winded way, I'm asking if it would be reasonable to try and refuse to get into a discussion about what I would do. Or would it be better to tell her how I feel about it (even though it's an abstract idea to me and irrelevant to her situation), or better to lie and tell her what I think she wants to hear i.e.- I would do the same, without question.

I just want to be supportive, but am starting to feel the burden of responsibility. Anyone with experience, please help me be a better friend.

Carry on refusing to get into a discussion on this. You can still support your friend's choices and rights to make a decision without being complicit in them.

I've been in an identical situation; just don't be drawn.

I would gloss over my views tbh and bounce everything back 'Never mind about me, how are YOU feeling, Do you want me to come over?' That sort of thing tbh.

Just be totally honest with her and tell her you don't know what you'd do in her position.

Because you don't actually know, do you?

Just be supportive of her decision...if she asks you what would you do just explain that it's an impossible answer for you to give her as you are not in her situation so cannot say.

Just be there for her, that's all you can do really.

You don't know what you'd do. So say that and hold her hand and be grateful you will hopefully never have to know. I have views on abortion but I would never ever judge someone else on them. I am not in their shoes.

I would just tell her that you do not know how you would feel in her position, because you don't. You might feel that you would never have an abortion, I do too, but I don't think I could say 100% that I wouldn't.

I don't think you should lie and say that you would have an abortion. She is asking that to make herself feel less guilty, but she won't feel less guilty even if you say you would do it.

She needs to talk to someone who can help her decide how she really feels so she can work out what to do for the best. With the best will in the world, you cannot do that for her. I would suggest she talks it through with a counsellor or the Samaritans.

If she had asked me directly what I would do, I would probably tell her but follow up with it being about her and what she needs to do.

Your views shouldn't come into it. You don't want to be in a position where she goes along with something because of your advice. If she regrets her decision she will resent you.

If she asks you again, just say something like "I have no idea what it's really like to be you, let alone what I would do in your situation."

Be supportive, help her see a possible way round her living/relationship/job circumstances if she wants the baby deep down, and be gentle with her if she doesn't.

What others have suggested about being truthful in telling her you don't know, because your circumstances are so different, feels authentic and suitably gentle.

You sound like a lovely friend.

Thanks everyone. You are right, I don't know, so I can't honestly say.

Arrrgh, it's just so hard when she is so upset, and in all honesty she has always been the more assertive one between us and it's difficult now not to be drawn into the discussion she wants.

Best not to even discuss if at all possible then? Got it.

I forgot to say at the top, I have namechanged for this because I don't want either of us to be recognisable.

Don't lie that would be the worst option.

I think you can let her know your real views and still be supportive.

I know its possible because I've done it myself. I couldn't conceal my views because they were already well known to my friend but fortunately she also trusted me enough to know I'd be there for her whatever. I told her honestly that I would keep the baby but when she decided to have a termination I actually went along with her and stayed to look after her.

I think honesty is always the best policy. As long as you are not putting pressure and you make it clear you will be there for her whatever she decides.

Keep being supportive, but I agree with others that you shouldn't share your views. It's not about you, and you never really know what you'll do in a situation until you're in it. If she decides to terminate, and she knows that you're against that, there is a likliehood that the friendship would suffer.

Just be a good friend, and don't make it about you.

I'm not against termination, and have made it clear to her that my overwhelming view is that the woman has the right to choose. What I would choose irrelevant as I can't walk in her shoes. I feel so sorry for her :(

I would say "I really don't know how I would act if I found myself in this situation. I suppose I would have to ask myself, do I think I will ever regret having an abortion? Do I think I will ever regret having a child?"

In my mind, I couldn't imagine ever regretting having a baby (though of course, I may regret the situation surrounding it arising from)....what would dissuade me from an abortion the most is the worry that it would haunt me forever. I couldn't guarantee I'd be fine with the decision for the rest of my life.

However, what I would say may not reflect your views on abortion.

I would definitley not just tell her what she wants to hear.

The question "what would you do" does not require an actual answer in this circumstance. She wants you to reassure her that her plan of action is OK, that she isn't doing something awful.

The friend's answer to "what would you do" in a moral dilemma where the questioner is only really considering one option is "just what you're doing, sweetheart". Whether that is true or not - lie if necessary. If her only option is abortion she doesn't need to know how wonderful being a mother is. You need to support her in her decision and help her come to the conclusion that it is the best decision in the circumstances.

I speak as the veteran of 2 abortions.

You don't have to lie because she's not actually asking you for your views on abortion.

She's asking what you would do.

And as you say in your OP, you don't actually know...so you can stick with that and be truthful and supportive.

If she goes ahead you must never ever air your views to her in the future. She is obviously asking for your back-up in her decision, i.e. she needs someone close to her to tell her that she is doing the right thing.

But is she asking just to have her views confirmed? Don't people just sometimes want to explore with a sympathetic friend alternative options even so that they can be sure they really won't work.

My friend made the opposite decision to the one I would have made but I know she appreciated the chance to talk about it so she could be clearer in her own mind that it wasn't for her.

I wouldn't just tell her what you think she wants to hear and I would say how you feel because it's honest and she may FEEL like she has no alternative but actually want someone to say that actually, she does. I think she should talk the options through in full so she can make the decision knowing that she has considered all the possibilities rather than rushing into the decision because she thinks it is the best choice based on a snap judgement.

could you offer to go to gp with her?
just continue to be there for her and be honest,you dont know because youve not been in the same situation and that when it comes down to it,it's her choice.she needs to get as much info and support as she can,either way.
you do sound like a lovely friend

Worra - I asked several people what would they do. The only answer I ever wanted to hear was affirmation that I was not a heartless, babykilling bitch that would rue my decision until the end of my days. She knows what the options available are and it sounds to me as if she has made her decision already
There are circumstances in life when "honesty" isn't the best thing. White lies soften the hard corners of life and does a friend having an abortion really need to know what someone who is not her would do ? No, she doesn't. She just needs support to come to terms with her decision.

Bumbleymummy - nobody makes a "snap decision" to have an abortion

mamadoc, bumbleymummy, I have wondered whether she is looking for 'permission' to consider the option of keeping it, even if she ultimately doesn't. Or maybe she just wants reassurance on a decision already made. I don't know. But I am cautious about appearing to be trying to 'persuade' her to keep the baby, which I most certainly don't want to do. I want to help her make the choice she will ulitmately be happiest with.

Thanks all for your responses.