Should I tell my pregnant friend my views on abortion?

[HelpNotHinder]

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine confided in me that she is pregnant, and that she has no choice but to terminate the pregnancy. The situation with her ex/exes is complicated, she has just started a new but unstable job, and she has just moved back in with her mum. She is obviously really upset at the whole situation. She has a doctors appointment this afternoon to discuss this, but from what I can gather she is about 5 weeks. I have known this girl all my life and although we are like chalk and cheese, we have always been good friends. I feel I am the only person she really trusts, and am the only one she has told about this.

She has said she will come to see me after her appointment this afternoon. Initially she was quite upset but determined 'deal with it' (her words), and never to tell anyone. I tried to remain neutral and was supportive of her decisions. But we have been exchanging emails, and a couple of times she has asked the dreaded question- 'what would you do?'. I glossed over with supportive statements about how it's her own decision, and not to allow other people's opinions to affect you blah blah. But I know she will ask again when I see her...

...Honestly? We are so different and in such different positions I find it hard to imagine myself living her life. What should she do? Whatever she will feel happiest with in the long term, but how can you really know that? What would I do? Well, I have a DD who is 8mths old and a wonderful DH, have never been in a toxic relationship and am generally content with my life. But imagining myself the best I can in her position, single and with an unwanted pregnancy, I still think I would end up keeping the baby. But that's me, and looking at my beautiful daughter, I couldn't think anything else. I really don't know what she should do, so I don't want to guess and upset her.

So, in my long winded way, I'm asking if it would be reasonable to try and refuse to get into a discussion about what I would do. Or would it be better to tell her how I feel about it (even though it's an abstract idea to me and irrelevant to her situation), or better to lie and tell her what I think she wants to hear i.e.- I would do the same, without question.

I just want to be supportive, but am starting to feel the burden of responsibility. Anyone with experience, please help me be a better friend.

cheesesarnie- I did offer, she said no. I didn't push.

The answer to 'what would you do?' is simple...'It really doesn't matter what I would do, this is not my life and i am not in your situation but I will 100% support you to do whatever you choose to do'

And it sounds to me like that is your intention. Be there for her, she's going to need you x

Actually Nigel SOME people do.

Help You say "What I would choose irrelevant as I can't walk in her shoes.." Why not say this to her?

What you would choose doesn't matter. Not at all. You can tell her what you think you would do, but that doesn't make her decision the wrong one.

I have been in this position, where I would choose not to terminate, and a friend who was pg did. She knew that my decision would be a different one to hers and that was OK. I went with her to the scan to confirm her dates and to make the appointment, and I went with her to the clinic on the day.

The main thing is that she knows that you will support her, whatever she wants to do, and that you won't judge her or think any less of her for making a different decision to the one you would make.

helpnothinder-see a good friend
just be there to support her no matter what-sounds like you will anyway.

"I have wondered whether she is looking for 'permission' to consider the option of keeping it, even if she ultimately doesn't. "

Yes, that's what I was thinking...hard to say anything though without, as you say, making it seem as if you are trying to persuade her one way or another. I think lying and saying that you would have an abortion in her situation is also kind of persuasive in the other direction which I don't think is right either.

There are circumstances in life when "honesty" isn't the best thing. White lies soften the hard corners of life and does a friend having an abortion really need to know what someone who is not her would do ? No, she doesn't. She just needs support to come to terms with her decision

That's exactly my point Nigel

But the OP can 'honestly' say she doesn't know what she'd do and then carry on supporting her friend.

I see where you're coming from OhdearNigel, but I think if I was faced with the same situation I would say "I don't think I would terminate, but my life is very different to yours so I can't say what I would do in your situation." I think it's fine to give your view on it, if she has asked directly, without being judgemental about it. It would also be important to let her know that if she does have a termination you won't judge her or be disappointed in her, you'll support her all the way. If she knows you well she's probably already completely aware of how you feel about it (I know my friends would be) and so she might be asking and asking so that she can explore the reasons for not having an abortion with you.

I agree with you, Help, that she might be looking for reasons to consider keeping the baby and that's why she's pushing the issue. I think for many termination seems like the sensible option, especially when life isn't going well, and deciding to keep the baby can seem foolish. I would worry that if you don't tell her how you feel that she'll think you're secretly judging her, whereas if you're completely honest then she'll know that it's not what you'd choose but you're still supportive all the same.

FWIW I really don't think you'll persuade her one way or the other. For such a big decision, discussing it with a friend will help you make up your own mind, but it certainly won't sway you towards one way or another against your will. You won't be putting any pressure on her, you'll just give her a chance to talk things through which is exactly what she needs.

Do you actually know that from personal experience bumbleymummy ?

I also think there might be an element of "will you still like me if I have an abortion" going on here. She may be seeking reassurance that you will still be her friend if she goes through with it, that it won't become a wedge between you.
My best friends know my history but there are some people that I would never, ever mention it to because I would be worried about the effect on their opinion of me.

No way. I was in a similar position to you once and I just kept my opinions to myself. She's between a rock and a hard place, poor lady.

Yes I do Nigel, not me personally, but other people. Just because you don't know someone who didn't rush into the decision doesn't mean that they don't exist.

I was in a position like this while I was pregnant myself. I was talking to someone who was deciding whether or not to terminate - I just listened and gave pros and cons of each side and let her make her own mind up. I never said what I would do in her position, just tried to lay out the facts. She made a different decision to the one I would have made but there are no 'right' or 'wrong' choices in a situation like that.

Unless she asks you outright what your views are, I wouldn't bring them into the discussion as they are irrelevant.

What I think is really important is that you give her an unjudgemental space to really explore how she feels about her options and that she is making a fully informed decision either way.

"I also think there might be an element of "will you still like me if I have an abortion" going on here. She may be seeking reassurance that you will still be her friend if she goes through with it, that it won't become a wedge between you."

I don't think so. If she was concerned about that, why would she choose to tell me? The 'father' is a complete waste of space, she has plenty of other friends but they come and go and would be very shocked if they heard the whole truth of it. She gets on with her mum who would be supportive I'm sure, although she is ill and she doesn't want to burden her. At the risk of sounding up my own arse, I think I am the one person she is completely confident will not judge or hassle her, or tell anyone. I am the boring, dependable friend. We are so different we drove each other bonkers in our school years, yet we have always been friends, and I hope she feels confident we always will be.

God, what a mess.

Just a little update.

She didn't turn up, or call me as promised. Fair enough I suppose, but I was worried so emailed her. She has just replied in one sentence that they confirmed dates and she has tablets. I replied, but don't expect another response.

I'm the only one who knows, I hate to think of her shutting herself away and dealing with it alone, but I suppose I've got to let her do it her way and let her know I'm here. I was tempted to call her mum's house (lost her mobile), but I don't want to put her under any pressure so I won't. Hiding away seems logical I suppose, just so sad :(

Thanks for all the advice given, I appreciate it.

I had exactly the same situation with a friend, she to went on to have an abortion and although I personally wouldn't contemplate having one myself I tried to be supportive. I'm ashamed to say I don't think I supported her enough, I sent a few texts, met up a few times but tried to avoid the topic of abortion as I didn't want to end up giving my opinion on it. We drifted apart after that which I totally blame myself for as I really should have made the effort to meet more, and spotted that she was struggling. She ended up in a really bad place emotionally and physically.

We are close again now, and have discussed this since, she doesn't blame me at all and says she didn't want anyone around her. However, I feel so guilty for being a rubbish friend. If I had my time again I would let her grieve alone if she wanted, but then make a lot more effort to physically meet up, even just for a coffee, or go over to see her. I think it's better to be there,even if you say the wrong thing, than be too scared to discuss it like I was.

I could have written Backtobedlam's post an d still I wish I'd made more effort for my own friend. All you can do is be there. I hope your friend's okay, HelpNotHinder.

OP tough situation, but I had similar with my ex boss, who confided in me that she was PG and wanted a termination (not for any of the above reasons and lord knows why she confided in me!), I just tried to listen and understand and ensure she wouldn't regret it in the future.

Sometimes we don't agree with what people do, we just have to support and try not to judge, tough as that might be. Take a big deep breath and help her through it

If it were me i would be honest with her and say if i were you i would continue with the pregnancy . when i was pregnant at 22 , the vast majority of my friends were 'oh how wonderful you are going to have a ickle baby' , except one who was very blunt with her 'are you fucking mad' and ' you will have a crap life and be poor' etc etc . I actually respected her view more than the others because she was totally honest. I still had my son and yes at times my life was a bit crap and yes i was a bit poor ,but he was 100% worth it . When making a huge descision like this it helps to have people give you both sides of the argument so you can reach an informed decision. You will of course respect that decision and support her regardless of it .

Before the pro lifers jump on me , i had a termination three years later in totally different circumstances , if it had of been possible to keep that child i would of , but it wasnt , i am pro choice.

frumpet I hope no pro-lifers (I am one) would have jumped on you for your lovely post.

OP, it's good of you to spend time thinking about how to respond without being too directional. She may well be hoping to explore possibilities with you and I suppose all you can do is be open to whatever options she sketches out for you. Because there is sense in either route but only she will ever be in a position to work out which one she could deal with.

OP think it may well be normal to want to 'hide away' - there can be physiological repercussions from chemical abortions such as bleeding and other side effects (DSis felt v ill afterwards, e.g.). She may feel crappy and just not want to talk/ answer phone/ deal with looking presentable.

If I were you I'd leave it till tomorrow and then text her to say you hope she's okay and you'd love to see her when she's ready.

I think you should phone her and tell her you're there for her. Email can be a bit impersonal and it can be very hard to read someone's feelings through text or email.