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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my dh BU to think we cant live on £45 grand a year?

160 replies

Bellstar · 09/02/2012 12:56

Inspired by the other thread re household incomes.

A lot of people thought 45 thousand was a very good income and I agree. It is roughly our household income.

Dh thinks that it is impossible to live on this amount and i constantly moaning about it.

Is he BU?

OP posts:
Charlotteperkins · 09/02/2012 13:27

What are your outgoings? If you don't have money for a caravan holiday or basic home maintenance on that income something has gone VERY wrong somewhere.

EirikurNoromaour · 09/02/2012 13:27

I think the problem is that you are not involved enough in the finances! Do you know what your total outgoings are? You should do. He is not the decision maker and boss because he brings in the salary!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/02/2012 13:33

If what you're saying is that you have a household income of £45k but you're living like a pauper then you need to know where it's going. No amount of income is 'enough' if you waste it or if your outgoings are too high. Money has to be managed and prioritised. Budgeting is essential.

Give your finances a spring-clean. Both of you keep a spending diary for a few weeks... see where the money goes and if there's anywhere obvious you can save. Have a look at all your Direct Debits and make sure you're getting the best deal on things like utilities and other bills. Consider remortgaging if that gets you a better deal. Start a savings account and pay yourself first. just £10/week grossed up over a year will get you a weekend in a caravan or some new kitchen cupboards.

BTW never compare yourself with people who seem to 'have it all' or you'll go crazy. As I found recently, those with the fanciest lifestyles have often financed it on credit....

FredFredGeorge · 09/02/2012 13:33

Bellstar you're obviously not prioritising housing, but must be spending it on something else - servicing debt for previous choices (or much lower income) presumably.

TwllBach · 09/02/2012 13:34

DP and I currently manage on about 23k total. We can manage the day to day expenses, but we would suffer if we didn't budget every single little thing, down to planning a take away a month and a half in advance. To me, 45k might as well be a million for all the chance we have of earning it :) but I understand that with DC and stuff your outgoings go up, plus it your income goes up you find ways of increasing your outgoIngs I'm sure.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 09/02/2012 13:34

It sounds like he is being an arse about money in general tbh. In terms of income 45k is plenty. It is considerably above average. We have way way less and I feel fine - very little 'disposable income' but bills/food/kids clothes all covered ok.

Outgoings are the issue, and it sounds really odd to me that you do not have the full facts about where your family money is going.
If I were you I would make it an urgent priority get all the statements together and work out what is going where.

GypsyMoth · 09/02/2012 13:39

How is your marriage in general?

Sounds like there is something massively wrong somewhere

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/02/2012 13:40

Wanted to add.... do you have your own money? e.g. an account into which you pay things like CB, CTCs or any wages you get. If you've got a DH that is hiding the truth from you, keeping you short and doesn't want to talk about money it is very important to squirrel something away that he can't spend. Can be a lifeline.

squeakytoy · 09/02/2012 13:42

If you earn 45k, then your outgoings must be relatively high if you cant afford a new boiler or kitchen cupboards...

or it could be that you have a husband like mine, who comes up with the same excuse, because he is too tight/lazy to do the jobs... Grin and the "we cant afford it" is his get out clause..

LydiaWickham · 09/02/2012 13:45

Yep, your problem isn't the size of the pot of money, it's that your DH doesn't consider you to be an equal partner in deciding how it's spent.

cobwebthegrey · 09/02/2012 13:46

Agree with Cigito about the comparison thing...I used to compare our lives with others until one of those I had envied broke down one day and admitted they were paying £600 a month just to service their non mortgage debt. She couldn't sleep at night for worrying about it. They have recently sold their house to pay it all off and have to now start again...no amount of 'have it all' lifestyle is worth that worry.

lisylisylou · 09/02/2012 13:53

I think the problem is that alot of couples live up to their means. My hubby earns alot and I'm not going to say how much but we struggle and are not saving. Anything over £35k is 40% tax bracket. S0 20% up to 35k is £7000 tax comes off up which is £28k. Then an additional £4000 tax gets taken off above the 40% so in total he brings home £34k. Then there are outgoings:

Pension and Ni contributions
Mortgage
Buildings Insurance/Contents insurance/Life insurance
Council tax
Electricity/gas
Phone bills/internet/mobile phone?
Car loans/Car tax/insurance/petrol
Food
The emergencies i.e. dishwasher breaking/washing machine breaking
Gas Servicing (£100 a time in my house)
School dinner money
School trips
school uniforms and shoes
Christmas/birthdays
Other kids birthdays
Pocket money for the kids?
Trips to the hairdressers for the kids
Pet insurance/vet bills (excess to pay each time)
Money going into kids child trust fund (government run one)?

God I feel exhausted now, that's depressed me I'm going off for a drink!!

lisylisylou · 09/02/2012 13:54

Dammn also forgot to put in tv licence

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/02/2012 13:57

Bellstar, with the details you have given (small house, small mortgage, car loan, state schools, no holidays) I would say that your husband is unreasonable to think you can't live on £45,000/year. So why does HE think you can't? Where is the money going?

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 09/02/2012 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hammy02 · 09/02/2012 14:00

Depends on your perspective. £45k wouldn't even cover 2 kids going to a top private school per year so if you are from that sort of background, it is naff all.

CarrieInAnotherTWOBabiTWINS · 09/02/2012 14:03

it all depends on the out goings!

45k is not alot, to alot of peopel

PigletJohn · 09/02/2012 14:04

"Anything over £35k is 40% tax bracket. S0 20% up to 35k is £7000 tax comes off up which is £28k. Then an additional £4000 tax gets taken off above the 40% so in total he brings home £34k"

You're saying he doesn't get a tax allowance?

Or a tax rebate on pension contributions?

Mortage and cars? anybody can decide to buy expensive cars and houses and complain that they have no money left. That's because you've spent it!

CTF? It's saving. If you are putting money into a savings scheme, you're doing well to have enough left over to afford it.

Same as the pension sontributions. I have no idea what % of your income goes into it, but again, if you can afford to put some away, you're doing better than people who can't.

I think perhaps you putting a spin on it.

We al have things to spend our money on. Some people always spend everything they have, and have nothing left. Some people spend more than they have, and can't get by or get into debt. The lucky ones learn to spernd a bit less than they have.

LydiaWickham · 09/02/2012 14:04

Agree it could be 'living up to the edge of your means' issue - you would probably find that if he was on £50k you'd have the same problem if you aren't budgetting for things like decoration etc. Again, you can't do anything about it if you can't sit down and work out a sensible budget and have equal say in how the money is spent, or not spent (which is more of an issue it seems)

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 09/02/2012 14:05

Don't want to alarm you Bellstar, but I had an acquaintance whose dp controlled the finances and always said they couldn't afford to do this that or the other.
Turned out he was spending over 200 a week on prostitutes and phone lines.

Of course, before anyone jumps on me, I am NOT saying this is the case for you. What I am saying is, you need to get some control, look at the information on statements etc, and work out WHY he is saying this, and what you can do about it together. Money should not be in one persons control in a marriage, if you sort it out you can decide if his moaning is justifiable or not.

Do you think this is his way of suggesting you should work/work more/change career ?

MidnightWorry · 09/02/2012 14:05

we earn about 33k BEFORE tax deductions. We put 900 away every month in savings, rent is about 800 a month, we have 2 small children one in school who does 2 activities. We have debt that is being paid off and are paying almost twice as much in council tax for these few months.

If you cant get by on 45k (which your dp seems to think so) then there really are issues that need to be discussed.

yellowraincoat · 09/02/2012 14:07

It really depends what you mean by "live". I never quite get it when people say "but what if the kids are in private school?" or "what if you have a huge mortgage?". Then you take the kids out of private school and you get a smaller house. Those things aren't essential to your life and therefore, yes, you can "live" on £45000, obviously.

My partner is the same, forever moaning that he can't live on 30K plus numerous benefits (free laptop, internet connection, phone etc).

Drives me mad.

historyrepeats · 09/02/2012 14:10

Midnight, how do you manage to put £900 a month away on that celery with £800 rent. Shock

MidnightWorry · 09/02/2012 14:10

I guess when I say live, i mean we rent (cant buy) at the lowest cost in our area and our children are in state school.

I do agree though, its all well to say live but include a massive mortage. You can always move.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/02/2012 14:10

OP do you know how much debt you have, and what the repayments are costing? Because that could be eating up a fair amount of your income.

I cannot believe he won't discuss finances with you, that is really shocking. But it does sound to me as if there are more outgoings than you know.