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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you if you have a favorite?

113 replies

my2centsis · 07/02/2012 20:29

Dc?

Dps parents quite clearly have a favorite, they have 5 children between them and I have Hurd them admit to having a favorite which they make time to see at least once a week were as their other children they see once a month!

Recently 3 different people have also admitted to me they also have favorite kids??

Is this normal? I have 2 dc and love them both more then words, I don't favor 1 over the other and love different things about each of them.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
jasminerice · 08/02/2012 10:33

I love both mine equally but differently. But I definately get on better with one of them due to a personality clash with the other one. They are both fab though, especially right now whilst they are both at school!

jasminerice · 08/02/2012 10:36

I think there is a bit of truth in that springy. About how much the DC's fight/get on. If they both feel happy, loved and secure I think they are less likely to fight over and above 'normal' fighting.

jasminerice · 08/02/2012 10:39

My parents each had a favourite. It caused huge problems in our family. Still does to this day. They never bothered to hide it. Used to compare us all the time, criticise one, praise the other. I had truly shit parents. Luckily I don't see them anymore, best decision I ever made.

NotMostPeople · 08/02/2012 10:40

Yes

then tomorrow it will be a different one and then the next day another one. In fact this can change hour by hour. Overall it's equal and bloody great.

seeker · 08/02/2012 10:54

My dp's little sister is everyone's favourite- parents, siblings, grandparents.......... She is a 35 year old spoiled brat!

springydaffs · 08/02/2012 10:55

best decision I ever made

sounds like it!!

Fleurdebleurgh · 08/02/2012 11:23

I love them both equally. But i still have a favourite.
DP favours my non-favourite though, so they get equal favouritism from us.

Maryz · 08/02/2012 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsjay · 08/02/2012 11:43

I agree with what maryz said a few pages ago , I have to spread my time between teens so it could be seen that i have a favourite , dd1 was hard work as a teen she is now an adult and said she wasnt difficult just Mysterious Grin which now is funny then i couldve choked her , dd2 is easy going a little chatter box and easier to talk to , But she is now going into that mysterious phase Hmm so is becoming a bit more challenging , its swings and roundabouts i think ,

jasminerice · 08/02/2012 11:45

Maryz, I can relate to that. I was very good as a child, think I was trying to get praise/attention which never came. Whereas my sister, the favourite, was naughty but got away with it. She's an arrogant, obnoxious adult now. I steer well clear of her.

Springy, it certainly was my best ever decision! I dread to think what life would be like if I hadn't walked away from my family without a backward glance. No doubt I would be enduring a lifetime of being ignored, belittled, criticised and put down and excluded. Some parents, ie mine, should never have been allowed to have children.

mrsjay · 08/02/2012 11:46

seeker my 29 year old sister is a spoiled Brat I cant even say she acts like a teen cos my teens behave better than she does ,

Poledra · 08/02/2012 12:22

I don't have favourites - each of my children has things I love particularly about them and I adore all 3. However, DD2 doesn't need me in the same way that DDs 1 and 3 do. For example, if we sit down to watch something on TV, DDs 1 and 3 will sit on next to me, whereas DD2 will choose to sit on her own. DDs 1 and 3 want to hold my hand when we're walking, whereas DD2 is the child prancing on ahead. I worry that DD2 will perceive this as favouritism as she gets older. I've discussed this with my own mother, who says she sees me offering the same sort of contact/attention to DD2 as I do to the others, but that DD2 only takes it up when she wants it, which just isn't as often as the other two. In my mother's opinion, as long as I keep offering it to DD2, then there's no harm done.

I still worry, though, that I tend to think of DD2 as my independent-minded girl, and I don't want to get boxed into that sort of thinking such that she gets to feel she can't come to me for whatever she needs and she has to cope with things herself.

Maryz · 08/02/2012 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 08/02/2012 13:07

Maryz- that's really sweet. What a lovely idea.

redlac · 08/02/2012 13:17

I only have one DD so yes she is my favourite!

I am not the favourite in my family eldest of 2 girls and a boy and the other two are so obviously the favoured two. But its tough cos its me who has been left living nearest my DM & DF as the other two have buggered off and it will be me who picks their nursing home :) I have had years of DSis is so wonderful and DBro can do NO wrong and how everything they do is so much better that what I can manage - it still grates now and then but I have pretty much learned to live with it and think "so what, who cares"

ChooChooWowWow · 08/02/2012 14:43

I don't have a favourite I love them all equally. I do go through periods of getting more enjoyment out of spending time with certain dc. Sometimes I find myself liking one more than another but that changes daily.

My mum had a favourite (it wasn't me) the older I get the more I realise how much that has impacted on my personality and not in a good way. She also admits to having a favourite dc which is my dd1 which I hate.

shagmundfreud · 08/02/2012 14:56

I have three children.

I love all three of them so much.

But I have an especially passionate relationship with my youngest. I just.... utterly adore him, think about him all the time. Feel bad admitting it but I can't help it. I think my other children know and the rest of the family can see it, and comment on it.

My youngest has ASD and ADHD. I don't know if this contributes to how I feel - that he's more vulnerable and somehow 'special'.

I just think he's the most wonderful child I've ever met.

porcamiseria · 08/02/2012 14:58

I dont. THANKS GOD

Pinkjenny · 08/02/2012 15:08

I definitely don't have a favourite, but I see a lot of people that do. It's very uncomfortable to be around, actually.

jasminerice · 09/02/2012 09:22

shagmund, I'm sorry, but that's awful for your other DC's. They should not be aware that you think your youngest is special, more so than them. Sad

bytheMoonlight · 09/02/2012 09:43

dd1 was born and changed me complelty. The moment I was alone with her with the first time, I remember looking at her and the love just hitting me, and thinking I finally have a family that no one can take from me.

I discovered that I could be a good mum, despite most of my family telling me as a child and teen that I wasn't suited to parenthood. Being a mum is the best thing that ever happened to me and dd1 showed me things about myself I never knew.

She has also been through a lot with us, she was there when we got married and she kept me going when I lost my mum and felt like running from everything and everyone.

DD2 was born last year and I was worried, dd1 had been my world for four years. But dd2 is a bundle of fun and cuddles, she has a complelty different personality to dd1 and there isn't a day she doesn't make me laugh or amaze me.

They are different people, I love they are so different and wouldn't change them in anyway. I love them more than are words. I don't know where I would be without them. They are my world. And I think I may tell them a bit too often!!

lisylisylou · 09/02/2012 10:20

My daughter is 6 and I understand her. She is so easy and is always happy, I bonded with her very quickly. I struggled with my oldest boy from 2 onwards, he can be moody and can shout. I don't understand him and we are complete poles apart and he is 7 and a half. I have taken the decision to scale my work down now and it means I am spending more time at home. Now I have to be honest, I still don't understand him and i understand him even less when he says on the way to school he didn't put any pants on even though I have to stood over him and I walked out for a split second. I understand him even less when the headteacher tells me that it took him 25 minutes to get changed after p.e. yesterday and find out that he tells the teachers he hasn't got any homework (also permission slips for trips and medical slips) to hand in when we'd been doing it the night before and it was completed. I understand him even less when he comes out in the snow after school with no coat or jumper on and he's dragging them along the snow. I understand him even less when he's just lost a brand new coat that I'd just bought him, 2 pairs of gloves, hats, plimsolls all within the space of 2 days.

I struggled bonding with him as a baby, as a toddler, and going through school with bullying. Now, it's nice with him, he has a good heart and he is who he is and I guess I've accepted it more now as I have more time to watch him and get involved with him. I've had to put more time into him and yet the bond was always there with my dd. My dd asked me last night how can you love 2 children the same? just last night and I told her that your heart can stretch to let in double the love and I sometimes don't like them as equally depending on what they're up to but I do love them both as much. I heard a story on the news or a documentary about an arab woman having to choose between her children to die from a soldier and I won't go on. That has lived with me as it is my worst fear.

Poledra · 09/02/2012 10:30

Maryz, thanks for that thought- I really do need to make time for her on her own. DD3 gets me to herself on Fridays when I don't work, and DD1 gets me for 20 minutes every night when the other two have gone to bed. I'm taking DD2 out for lunch tomorrow on her own, as DD1 is at a birthday party and DD3 is going to her little friend's house. I'll just need to make sure that I keep it up!

VikingLady · 09/02/2012 10:35

I worry about this a lot, as I am 35w with dc1 and planning to have a few.

My parents definitely had favourites, though they tried hard not to show it. Unfortunately I was df's favourite and he died. Dm tries hard not to show db is the one she loves and likes most, but it really does show and always has done. And telling her was not a good move.... It all came out in a big row a few years ago, which is apparently all my fault, despite db starting it. Just one example of how I know!

Dh's parents had a favourite too, and it wasn't him. He can't compete with his db the way I can't stop myself doing, as his db died young so was clearly an angel, but how unfair is it not to be the favourite kid when you are the only one left and you do everything for them?

We cope by telling ourselves that he is my dm's favourite and I am his dm's favourite. It is true, which is weirder!

aurynne · 11/02/2012 05:05

my2centsis sorry I missed your question before! We don't have DCs, our house is ok and we didn't lose anyone close to us, so I am one of the very lucky Christchurch residents. My work was severely affected, but I have decided to make the best of it and use the chance to retrain and have just started Midwifery at the CPIT. 2012 definitely looks much better than 2011 :)