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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you if you have a favorite?

113 replies

my2centsis · 07/02/2012 20:29

Dc?

Dps parents quite clearly have a favorite, they have 5 children between them and I have Hurd them admit to having a favorite which they make time to see at least once a week were as their other children they see once a month!

Recently 3 different people have also admitted to me they also have favorite kids??

Is this normal? I have 2 dc and love them both more then words, I don't favor 1 over the other and love different things about each of them.

What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
my2centsis · 08/02/2012 01:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aurynne · 08/02/2012 01:27

To all the lovely ladies in this thread stating so categorically that they absolutely have no favorites... I would love to ask all your children in, let's say, 10 years time and check whether they share the same opinion :)

aurynne · 08/02/2012 01:30

my2centsis, another one in Christchurch here... my mum and sister were visiting from Spain, they arrived on the 20th Dec. I told them not to worry about earthquakes, as we hadn't had any significant one in weeks. Cue the 23rd...

WillCrossThatBridge · 08/02/2012 01:34

Aurynne - I have said I have a preferred or favourite at the moment but I don't think it would be the least bit obvious to her or to him at all.

Even my OH (just asked him) wouldn't have been aware!

Spermysextowel · 08/02/2012 01:57

I think that Aurynne's point was that despite most posters saying that they don't have a favourite, in the Mumsnet years to come there'll be a swathe of offspring of posters who posit a very different opinion. Whether you think you favour one or not, there will be some choice you've made that will forever hang over your head.

Original poster
my2centsis · 08/02/2012 02:03

Aurynne it's horrible isn't it? How are your Dc's handling the EQ's? Oh your poor mum and sister it probably scares the life out of them! What great timing!

OP posts:
flyingspaghettimonster · 08/02/2012 02:44

I have an order of favourites :(

The toddler has totally stolen my heart and I could hug and kiss him all day and tell him I love him all the time. I never thought I could adore anyone so much.

I am proud and attached to my daughter too and love doing special girlie things with her. I always wanted a little girl and she was everything I could wish for and more.

My middle child I could cry for. I had terrible pnd with him and never bonded. 6 years on and I can say I love him, but he reminds me so much of all the negative aspects of myself and he frustrates me terribly. I seem to spend all my time trying to make him feel equally loved as I never want him to know how much of a struggle it is for me.

I am sure nobody wants to have a favourite. It is not fun. I am making progress this year and middle child now actually hugs me sometimes and I hug him too. That probably sounds like nothing to most people, but I find being physically affectionate really hard so I am thrilled to find these small moments becoming more frequent and easier. I hope he will never realise he was not the favourite and will certainly never tell the kids.

springydaffs · 08/02/2012 09:07

My heart goes out to you my2censis. I hope you can find some peace about it. YOu did the right thing - one was marginally more vulnerable than the other and you had to make a snap decision. Thank God they were both safe.

My heart also goes out to mothers who have struggled to bond with a child for various reasons. I always think I was lucky this never happened with mine, as it so could have - luck of the draw. I thought of that when I was replying to my thread and applaud your courage for posting about it spaghetti, as I doubt you are alone. Have you had some therapy about it? It isn't uncommon.

Of course at one time or another I gel more with one child than another, it doesn't mean that child is my favourite. They are all my favourites. Completely different personalities - some I 'get' more than others, at different stages of their development.

I mean by someone who has a clear and abiding favourite, clearly over and above the others, that they don't love that child, as the favouritism is about them, not that child (and certainly not the other children). I'm talking about parents who blatantly have a favourite and make no attempt to disguise it, not your average parent who is doing all they can to be fair and balanced.

As for children believing they aren't loved as much as a sibling - that's as old as the hills and quaintly termed 'sibling rivalry', a source of real or perceived pain.

springydaffs · 08/02/2012 09:08

my thread? no, not my thread Blush

FlyingLugholes · 08/02/2012 09:17

Interesting thread.

I have 4 dds, 2 teens and 2 pre-teens. They are all different personality wise but have to admit I find two of them easier to get along with and to relate to.

This is a personality issue though, more than a favourites issue I believe. Two of them are very like me and that can cause a bit of tension sometimes as there are clashes of personality.

But it can change. Some days/months I can feel particularly close to one of the other two, especially if they are going through something and I am spending more than the usual time individually with them (although this can often have the opposite effect!). Swings and roundabouts.

Just because you gave birth to them doesn't necessarily mean your personalities are going click equally with them all.

I do love them all equally though, would give my life for all of them at the drop of a hat, and give my time and energy to them in equal measure.

Like maryz's post. (As usual!)

YouOldSlag · 08/02/2012 09:31

No favourites here but I do have some days when the 5yo is a demon and the 2yo is an angel and vice versa. I don't have a favourite even on those days, but I can enjoy being with the angelic one more than I enjoy being with the demonic one.

Sometimes I look from one to the other and I just can't believe my luck. I just can't. I could burst.

My mum however, loves my sister best, and although she denies it and says we are all equal to her , it's screamingly obvious to a blind man and anyone who knows her. My elder sister behaves appallingly (late 40s) but Mum always has a ready excuse for her and "babies" her [vom]. It's been really damaging and I have had Depression and self esteem issues from always being the third favourite out of three.

Nectar · 08/02/2012 09:39

Interesting to read these posts. I don't have a favourite child but I clearly remember being about 10 yrs old and overhearing my mum saying to my nan how my sister and I are so different, and that if we both had to go away for any reason she admits she'd miss my sister moreSad

I never told her I'd overheard and never would, but it's not something I'll forget. Even now I feel it sometimes, we often as a family all get together on a Sunday with our various kids, partners etc and although Mum chats to us all she's just that bit more enthusiastic with her chat to my sister and family.

Mind you she's rarely had a good word to say about my dad's side of the family, (I get on with them a lot better than she does!). She's often said that I take after them and my sister is much more similar to her side of the family, valid reason to prefer my sister's company I suppose but overhearing that comment at that young age was hard to take.

springydaffs · 08/02/2012 09:51

I never told her I'd overheard and never would

why not? I would! What she said is not something I'd ever say out loud if I even thought it.

Whatmeworry · 08/02/2012 09:53

I also think some kids are more jealous of attention the others get and are more prone to see favourites when there are none..

TheParanoidAndroid · 08/02/2012 09:54

I generally prefer whichever one is not here. Absent children are always the most adorable.

AspirantPirate · 08/02/2012 10:03

Interesting.

If I'm completely honest, I feel like I have a much deeper connection with my DS2 than with either DS1 or 3 - I just sort of 'recognise' him, and did from the very moment he was born (whereas I felt it took me a while to get to know the others). BUT that is absolutely NOT the same thing as him being a 'favourite' or loving him more than the others. It's just that I 'get' him. I don't have to work out what he is thinking / how he is feeling because I just know. The other two (especially my eldest) I have to sort of 'work out' as I go along.

As I said, though, it's not the same thing as loving one more than the others, but I do still feel guilty over that instant, overwhelming rush of love and recognition that I felt when DS2 was born, that I simply didn't experience at the birth of the other two.

BluddyMoFo · 08/02/2012 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 08/02/2012 10:09

My children seem to go through phases of a) thinking they themselves are the favourite or b) feeling hard-done by and being sure the other is the favourite.

In actual fact, they are so very different that they are both my favourite, but in different departments IYSWIM. So if you had various checklists of 'points that make you the favourite', they could both come out top on different lists.

Whatmeworry · 08/02/2012 10:10

I generally prefer whichever one is not here. Absent children are always the most adorable.

Very true. Presence = irritation :)

Nectar · 08/02/2012 10:10

I don't know really SPRINGY. I suppose at that age my mum was often going on about me being "over sensitive", a worrier etc etc, not sure I was really but if I'd told her she'd have either said that again, or made out I'd misheard or misunderstood.

It wouldn't feel right mentioning it all these years later but I still feel it sometimes, for instance at Christmas my sister and family sometimes stay with her in-laws, whereas we often have my in-laws to ours and invite Mum and Dad too, tbh we do that whether in-laws are here or not!

They always come but last time Mum said she'd "give anything" for my sister and family to walk through the door, and just seems so disappointed if they can't be here too for any reason. She's sometimes said to me she finds my sister's husband easier to talk to than mine, or petty I know, will point out something my sister's dd is wearing and ask why I don't get something similar for MY dd's, instead of "what they normally wear".

If my dds are wearing new clothes they've picked themselves and are happy with, I find that quite hurtful. Don't get me wrong, in terms of treating all the kids, pocket money, trips out etc she's VERY fair, treats them all the same but things slip out in conversation that just make me feel a bit Sad sometimes.

springydaffs · 08/02/2012 10:18

Not petty at all! she's a silly woman imo (flagrantly judges). ach, I am angry on your behalf and could smack her one if the truth be told Angry

I hate to bring up the t word but this is toxic behaviour - says everything about her and nothing about you.

ReallyTired · 08/02/2012 10:18

This is an interesting article.

www.canadianliving.com/moms/parenting/parenting_secrets_teach_your_kids_to_get_along_2.php

" One of the best gauges of whether you're inadvertently showing favouritism is to think about how your kids get along. The more the kids squabble, tease and torment one another, the greater the likelihood that favouritism is a problem."

DaenerysTargaryenButCallMeDany · 08/02/2012 10:26

I love them both with all my heart but I have a special bond with Dd1 who is 6 that I don't yet have with Dd2 who is only just 5 months .

It comes from Dd1 being my only child for 6 years I guess. She's my number one girl and she was here first and we've been through a lot together.

But I couldn't call her my favourite. dd2 is super adorable :)

exoticfruits · 08/02/2012 10:32

I wouldn't find it possible. I love them all unconditionally and this seems to say that it is conditional and you will love one more because.........

springydaffs · 08/02/2012 10:33

One of the best gauges of whether you're inadvertently showing favouritism is to think about how your kids get along. The more the kids squabble, tease and torment one another, the greater the likelihood that favouritism is a problem

I think that's a crap/crass maxim for whether there is favouritism - perceived or not - in a family. though my (adult) kids are as thick as thieves!

however, my siblings - dear me, they still make comments about whose card is still on the mantlepiece well after the event (to the point that my mum has to cut off the written part to keep the picture - it's the picture she likes). The eldest is in his 60s. Vicious 'sibling rivalry' is alive and well in my family.