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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have stopped her going to a party, because she didn't want to go swimming

67 replies

flibbertywidget · 06/02/2012 13:23

Mother guilt has risen.

on saturday morning, my nearly 5yr old decided she didn't want to go to her swimming lessons. These are the ones she begged me to sign her up for ages ago. she came out with too tired, too cold, too something and pointblank refused to go.

I tried to explain economics and that I am NOT MADE OF MONEY! - it fell on deaf ears..

so she then whinged on about wanting to go to a party, that was on 1 hour later. Having insisted she was too tired and just wanted to watch TV instead of swim.

So I said no in anger and told her if she couldn't do something she had commited to doing (and previously wanted) then she couldn't go to something else.. I was trying to teach her consequences.. but not sure if I was too harsh?

She did go out yesterday to a planned playdate (so i wasn't totally horrid!)

but I am feeling everso guilty and horrid and snipey.. Sad

We did have a chat about it later and she seemed to accept it, reasonably. She also got a party bag from the same party.

hmmmmm

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 06/02/2012 13:26

Well I wouldn't let a 5 year old refuse to go swimming - she would have been taken and that would have been the end of it.

I think making her miss the party (if you hadn't told her in advance that would happen) was a bit harsh.

Also I think not going to a party you had (presumably) committed to going to is very rude to the party giver.

MrsBeakman · 06/02/2012 13:29

Had you replied to the party host to let them know whether or not you were going?

DizzyDizzyDinosaur · 06/02/2012 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knackeredmother · 06/02/2012 13:32

What about the poor child who was presumably expecting you at their party?

Mrsgradgrind · 06/02/2012 13:33

Give her a break - she's only 5! One missed lesson out of 10 is hardly the end of the world.

MicksJumperPhilsHat · 06/02/2012 13:33

I wouldn't have made my Dc go to a swimming lesson she didn't want to go to.
I would have taken her to the party.

At nearly 5 life should be about fun not responsibility - and it was toooo blimmin cold last Saturday to contemplate swimming...

But then i openly admit i am quite a lax relaxed parent...

Lizcat · 06/02/2012 13:41

Flibberty I am with you on this if you are too tired to swim you are too tired to go to party. In my book you are never to young for consequences. I phone the parent of the party and apologise for DD not attending and explain this is our house rules.
In life we all have to do things we don't want to and I feel the sooner you get used to it the easier it is.
I am Harsh, I have tough rules.

Mrsgradgrind · 06/02/2012 13:44

If the party had clashed with the class would you have made her go to the class and miss the party? I would have let the party take prcedence

Maccapaccawacca · 06/02/2012 13:47

I know nothing, I only have a 1 yr old but FWIW just hope you are not beating yourself up too much.

my2centsis · 06/02/2012 14:08

I think telling her if you don't go to your swimming lesson that mum has paid for that you wanted to do then you won't be going to your party was EXACTLY the right thing to do!

It's showing her consequences. Well done OP

ENormaSnob · 06/02/2012 14:13

Very unfair on the party child and parent IMO.

Yabu

mojitomania · 06/02/2012 14:16

Maybe swimming isn't what she thought it would be? Is she keen to go next week?

I wouldn't have stopped her going to the party. I would have just told her that I'd cancel the lessons and get my money back.

arghmyear · 06/02/2012 14:17

Agree that the party was about the birthday child and the parents who had organised it so yabu to not go if you had said yes.

Re the swimming. Your decision, not the child's. I would have made her do the lesson.

Gumby · 06/02/2012 14:18

She's only 4 for goodness sake!
I feel sad for her

diddl · 06/02/2012 14:19

I agree that too tired to swim=too tired for a party.

ChitChatFlyingby · 06/02/2012 14:20

Very unfair on party child. My DH threatened our DS1 with non attendance at a party if he kept up with being badly behaved- I pulled him aside and told him to pick another punishment because something that punishes ANOTHER child was not fair at all (especially as it was a fairly small party gathering).

If she was too tired to go swimming she sure as heck shouldn't have been allowed to lounge around watching tv - back to bed and being completely and utterly bored would have been a better thing to make her do.

MrsBeakman · 06/02/2012 14:20

You said that your dd begged you to sign her up for the swimming lessons ages ago, but do you check with her each term whether she would like to continue? If she has been at school all week then i think she shouldnt be made to do things she doesn't enjoy at the weekend. I think it was rude to back out of the party at the last minute and it sets a bad example. I hope the mother wasn't paying per head. Different if she had been too ill to attend of course.

giraffes · 06/02/2012 14:22

chitchatflyingby - yes, definitely don't let her watch tv then - tell her that if she's tired she must be ill so either back to bed, or to the doctor, and certainly no party.

lisad123 · 06/02/2012 14:23

I agree, no swimming = no party. My girls beg for groups and clubs, they cost a huge amount, and require commitment, even at 5 years.

TheParanoidAndroid · 06/02/2012 14:24

She's 4, its so odd that a lecture on economics didn't convince her. Hmm

Man up and make her go where you decide.

Ragwort · 06/02/2012 14:27

I don't understand why you gave your child the 'choice' not to attend the swimming lesson - my DS often says he doesn't want to go to swimming lessons/sports clubs/scouts/Church etc but he doesn't get the choice - if he has made a comittment to these clubs/activities he has to go (unless genuinely ill of course). He always seems to end up enjoying it anyway.

I agree that you needed to give a punishment but it is a bit harsh on the birthday child that you refused to allow your DD to go to the party - but then let her have the party bag Hmm.

JustHecate · 06/02/2012 14:31

I can see why you did what you did. You wanted to 'punish' her. Hit her where it would hurt, so to speak. But I think it was unreasonable of you to choose the party because it was utterly inconsiderate to the person throwing the party. They were expecting your child and it had cost them money!

Far better to cancel the swimming lessons. If she doesn't want to do them - it's not worth battling it out.

But I do think it wasn't on to affect someone else.

And I certainly wouldn't have let her have the goodie bag!

Mrsgradgrind · 06/02/2012 14:33

I think you're all meany mummies - she's 5, and it was one swimming lesson (although I'd let her miss the odd one I wouldn't let her miss more)

Gumby · 06/02/2012 14:39

She's not 5, she's only 4!

She was probably knackered after a week at school

Matches · 06/02/2012 14:39

she's 4!! (ok, nearly 5)

I can understand she felt too tired to go to a swimming lesson but not too tired to go to a party, because I feel exactly the same. YOU should have made her go to the party and not punished her for a decision that YOU should have made.

Of course she is going to 'whinge' about not wanting to go swimming, because there is a difference between wanting to do something in theory and then the practice, and she will be thinking short-term not long-term, and because it is a palaver to go to swimming lessons on a Saturday and children are tired then, and she is too young to understand that she committed to something and that you will loose money.

That's why you, as the adult, have to gently explain all that and then insist she go to the swimming class.

So YABU

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