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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have stopped her going to a party, because she didn't want to go swimming

67 replies

flibbertywidget · 06/02/2012 13:23

Mother guilt has risen.

on saturday morning, my nearly 5yr old decided she didn't want to go to her swimming lessons. These are the ones she begged me to sign her up for ages ago. she came out with too tired, too cold, too something and pointblank refused to go.

I tried to explain economics and that I am NOT MADE OF MONEY! - it fell on deaf ears..

so she then whinged on about wanting to go to a party, that was on 1 hour later. Having insisted she was too tired and just wanted to watch TV instead of swim.

So I said no in anger and told her if she couldn't do something she had commited to doing (and previously wanted) then she couldn't go to something else.. I was trying to teach her consequences.. but not sure if I was too harsh?

She did go out yesterday to a planned playdate (so i wasn't totally horrid!)

but I am feeling everso guilty and horrid and snipey..

We did have a chat about it later and she seemed to accept it, reasonably. She also got a party bag from the same party.

hmmmmm

OP posts:

plantsitter · 06/02/2012 14:39

MDon't feel guilty - it's too late anyway! Might've been better to tell her no swimming no party before the rejected lesson. But otherwise, you made a decision and stuck to it. Who cares what other people think? Not going to a party isn't going to kill her (and not having a whingy tired party guest is not so bad for the party child either...)

Matches · 06/02/2012 14:40

Sorry, typo - you should have made go SWIMMING and then let her go to the party

Mrsgradgrind · 06/02/2012 14:41

PlAntsitter the OP cares what other people think, hence she wrote her post here

plantsitter · 06/02/2012 14:53

Well, yes, ok, Gradgrind. But, although I suppose you can't help feeling guilty about it if you do, I don't think there's any point in acting on the guilt in this case (but then obv th OP shouldn't care what I think :o).

sue52 · 06/02/2012 14:57

Friends parties come before swimming lessons. A 4 year old would not understand that you sign up for several weeks of lessons and she might very well not want to attend every one.

fatlazymummy · 06/02/2012 15:01

Sorry, but I agree it was rude and unfair to the 'party' child and parents. Hopefully the other guests were more considerate. I would have just found a different punishment, also cancel the swimming lessons.

CringeyButtocks · 06/02/2012 15:12

I think you should have just taken her swimming - she might have enjoyed it when she got there. Then she could have gone to the party too. Even if she had just tried it would be better than not going at all. I don't think it is up to a 4 yo to dictate what happens when, if it's something they usually enjoy, have asked to do, and are not ill.

I had exactly the same issue with 4.9 yo ds this weekend - he didn't want to go to his sports class, lots of lame reasons why not. I also used the economics argument which cut no ice.

I stayed firm, took him but was also nice and stayed to watch (I usually sneak off to drink coffee and read the paper do errands). He had a great time and had totally forgotten his opposition to it within a nano-second of arriving.

They can be so persuasive at this age and grind you down with nagging and negotiation. Better to remain in charge and not give in. Win win all round.

ENormaSnob · 06/02/2012 15:14

plantsitter, I presume the child who was waiting for her arrival and the parent who had paid for her place would care.

What excuse did you give for not attending?

Ladymuck · 06/02/2012 16:10

Love the irony that you give your dd a lecture on how the swimming lessons have cost you money and shouldn't be wasted, and then go on to waste someone else's money. What lesson on economics did your dd learn?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 06/02/2012 16:11

YANBU, but I would have made her go to the swimming lesson.

BackforGood · 06/02/2012 16:15

I think it was very rude to the hosts of the party.
I also agree with others who say that, at 4 (or indeed, into their teens, come to that) if they've signed up to a course of swimming lessons, then they go until that course is complete. I wouldn't have given her the idea there was an option (unless ill of course).

Takeresponsibility · 06/02/2012 16:18

No guilt cos in my book too ill to go swimming = too ill to go partying.

If my kids were too ill to go to school they didn't go out in the evening.

Far too young for the economics argument though.

talkingtomyselfhere · 06/02/2012 16:19

Yabu ......this is the sort of stuff I went through as a child with piano lessons and it totally put me off playing....she isn't training for the Olympics for god sake, surely at 4 swimming should be fun not an ordeal! My son plays a lot of sport ( he is 6 ) but occasionally he doesn't want to go....... Big deal, we all have days like that don't we?

SecretSquirrels · 06/02/2012 16:19

DS1 was once upset that a child didn't turn up to his party. I was brave enough to tackle the mother when I saw her (Oh did you forget you said DD could come to DSs party?).
She said her DD had been naughty and was grounded.
Should pick a different punishment.

ExitPursuedByaBear · 06/02/2012 16:20

Consequences. I love consequences. I would have made her go swimming. Bit mean to the Birthday girl/boy - there are always threads on here about poor children who have parties were noone turns up.

Had the same argument with my DD on Sunday as she wanted to carry on sledging with her mates rather than go to netball. I made her go to netball and they only had 6 players, so if she had not gone the game would have been forfeited.

FunnysInTheGarden · 06/02/2012 16:23

If DS1 were in the same situation I prob would have not sent him swimming anyway as a party and swimming straight after each other is quite a lot for a 5yo. I try not to do more than 1 activity a day as DS1 is generally shattered with school as it is.

So yes i do think YABU, and quite mean.

SarahSlaughter · 06/02/2012 16:24

I have two four year olds. In your circumstances I would have insisted they go swimming. IME they usually have fun once they get there.

However, I do agree that too tired for swimming equals too tired for a party so I don't think you were being unreasonable (apart from possibly to the party hosts). I wouldn't have given her the party bag though.

Swimming, a party and a playdate does seem like quite a lot though for one day.

Quite surprised at those posters saying a four yo wouldn't understand about the committment or the costs though. My (just) 4yo dd dropped a class last year at her own request but understood that she had to finish out the term as I had paid in advance.

usualsuspect · 06/02/2012 16:24

YABU

FunnysInTheGarden · 06/02/2012 16:27

oh and like talking I think my attitude is a result of being made to do a lot of activities as a child. I am a far more lax parent than mine were. I let my DC get away with murder in comparison!

sheepgomeep · 06/02/2012 16:39

My 4 year old wouldn't understand the money side of it either but she is a young 4 year old I think.

I think yabu. I feel very sorry for the party child. There should have been another consequence in place.

But I would have taken her swimming and not taken no for an answer tbh and then had a rethink afterwards whether or not continue with the swimming lessons.

exoticfruits · 06/02/2012 16:41

You are rather punishing the party DC (and the parent-I would be a bit fed up to have a late cancellation).

I would just have taken her swimming. It is the one thing that was non negotiable-a life skill that everyone needs.

SarahSlaughter · 06/02/2012 16:57

Exotic I agree, swimming is the one activity my DCs won't be allowed to give up until they can swim a bit.

exoticfruits · 06/02/2012 17:06

I let them choose any other activity. However they have to swim (and adults who can't should go and learn!)
I would just say -'tough -you will thank me if it saves your life one day'. I let them stop, if they wanted to, when they were water confident, could swim a few lengths and knew how to float.

2rebecca · 06/02/2012 17:07

I doubt you could get money back. I would have made her go until the end of that session then cancelled for a while if she wasn't keen, although I did make mine go until they could swim a length, I felt that was part of my duty as a parent, after that it was optional but mine enjoyed it on the whole.

Chandon · 06/02/2012 17:15

It was the right decision OP.

Agree with those that say they would not let their kids refuse to go swimming.

My DC NEVER want to go swimming, but they have no choice. I never let them off the hook, as I feel it makes them think there is room for negotiation. I DO bribe them with a treat though (don't think I have it all sorted! No perfect mothers here).

Especially with a 5 year old I would not do explanations about cost etc. I would just say, as I do with mine, that swimming is an essential life skill, and they just have to do it.

But everyone has their own style of parenting , mine is bossy and old fashioned I guess...

Ditch the guilt though, whatever you do.

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